Pop your eyes out, my lover.
It has been a lazy week, full of Work from homes and field works.
I noticed I didn't really make a Valentines poem.
It is not because life had been boring.
but the office works drains you differently.
and any special holiday is the evidence of it.
And what of, going back to the memories?
Of love ones who don't love you back, of parents, sisters,
former friends and lovers?
I think they do not deserve the call out anymore.
They had their dues, it was payback, karma.
I realize, I'm giving them more ammunition to hurt me
by my hate and I'm really not about that life that much.
I would rather consume the things I love and play
with or with out a fellow fan or friend beside me.
I've recently read her name, in a book.
Rarely any Filipino book written in the Philippines catches my eye.
It's mostly messy romance tropes and writing styles I can't get a hang of
but it was a Lesbian stories anthology.
I figured, “maybe I should buy it, it would affirm my sexuality.”
I'm not out to my family, except my one sister,
who could not kept her mouth shut and told my eldest.
The book was full of wanderings about girls, of course
but my old Humanities subject Professor from my University,
The sex-capade (sex escapade, the fucking, the hook up).
I know I'm old as an adult
but my Lesbian is very Bambi.
I feel as though this is when my Lesbianism halts
and my Aromantic Asexual introduces itself.
I skimmed the pages, I get it.
You met a pretty girl, either your Filipina ex girlfriend
or a local, a Singaporean that you glanced
I scanned the pages. I don't really care that much.
She was a horrible professor,
the one that didn't sign my recommendation
She's partnered last time I saw her
and I don't care about the fuckfest and post nut clarity
“amidst the sight of Merlion” or whatever.
My Bambi side is sort of mad, infuriated
You know it's been that way because I've been single
It's partly intentional, partly my fault.
Every time I eat Popeyes, I always thought it was bar food.
I hate treating it as fast food when I go out for Fieldworks.
One time, a group of students were so damn noisy near our table,
it was like a zoo, like the first time they ate their.
I looked at them as I asked my colleague to get our food,
while only two or three students could afford
They got insecure fast, as people stare at them and their big group.
but with kids, teens, highschoolers and college goers in groups
and cisgendered heteresexual couples in public
acting insecure when they see me in public.
They are a bunch of insecure fucks,
I know, it is because I was one before
but the thing is, I got money and I only go out
of my house if I'm needed for work,
It threatens their chill, nonchalant,
“fast food” of an attitude when they see me
with my personalized stuffs as my work bag
and my weight, not caring if people think I'm fat or too fat.
I strut and run stuff without a care,
insecure people do not pay my bills and expenses.
I have to say it before it breaks my heart and soul,
I really do hate intense, homoerotic platonic friendships.
I know it fulfills and satisfies the side of my Trans-ness and Polyamory
but I either hate it so or am apathetic to it lately.
It is mainly because of my recent friends,
it is international – which is, surprise,
I'm the one who's the Atlas of the entire friendship dynamic again.
I do love my Russian, Turkic and Indonesian
but it really is not the same as making friends
when you were in preschool
I think the one true friend I got and cherished
was the one I'm not even sure I'm still friends with.
Her name was Francheska, we call her Ches.
She used to be a part of an already set clique formed in college
but with my recent hang out and falling out to my former classmate,
even they don't know where she is and what she's doing in life.
She's Italian-Filipino, I didn't know that at first.
Ches always had that “rich kid” flair about her,
though I only found out years in University after.
She's rich to the point that there was always a car ready
to drop her to school or pick her up after class.
We used to tease each other, although I try to control myself
because unlike my ex best friend who I no longer cared or considered as one,
I do not want to be seen as a bully.
I know the damage and complex it gives to a person.
I am not so sure if I wrote about Ches before.
You know, we bonded over the game “Overwatch”.
I did not know much about it yet I mentioned it to her
and I genuinely just love to hear her talk about her game play.
I am sure that not a lot of people talked to her about her interests.
I knew were friends when she gave me an Adventure Time Finn wallet.
I gave her stickers because I love stickers,
I still do, even at my big age.
The friendship was intense when we got left out
and we recited at the same time
but our professor did not find my answer satisfying.
I felt down in the dumps and her car ride for home
She took me to CFAD, the College of Fine Arts,
I personally didn't know they had a small art fair going on.
She knew I was an artist and didn't really judged my ugly art back then
and instinctively, she knew
she knew art would make me so happy.
None of my old friends did that, they could not be even bothered to repost or like my art.
Even my exes who were artists didn't knew me like this.
I remember her because of the case in ICC recently.
I do hope he's charged for his war crimes,
Americans, Israeli, Russians and Chinese politicians should also be next
Last I've heard from Ches' profile in Facebook is that she works
I'm guessing at the Netherlands, at the Hague as well.
I'm also guessing that her family got her in, since she did not want
to inherit the family businesses she got in Italy.
I miss my Italian-Filipino so much.
It was an intense friendship but it wasn't homoerotic.
It did not make my heart bleed
People don't have friends and friendships like that anymore.
I'm happy it came one in a lifetime.
I try to look for Ches in every friend I had and made.
If I am to be alone or without a true friend
at least my heart knows what it's like for my soul to be known
V. Pastillas y Marshmallows = Pastil-mallows
I know I should have been fasting this Lent,
yet I'm a self identified atheist.
Weekends slip away too fast.
My lawyer sister 1 did not come home, said she had a trip to Tagaytay.
It's probably not a solo trip so my doctor sister 2 came home.
We are not that close. She knows I've dated a girl before.
Then the news spread and my sister 1 knows.
My parents might have a slight hint but they're boomers at heart,
they might have intellectual capacity
but their emotional intelligence is worse than a 2 year old.
I did not say any heys and hi to her.
She's only here for the food, the dog and the ice cream I bought.
I prefer to go out with the heat of the Sun.
At morning or early afternoon.
The Tambays are always there.
They either consist of kids and teens, mostly boys that look like they're bullies.
The girls with them are equally uncouth.
They're either sitting in front of our gates or two of the neighbors gates in front.
They might as well grow tiny dicks,
if they keep hanging out with disgusting boys
and parading themselves sitting wide open on the floor like that.
I always see them with the CCTV.
I've scolded them before.
They don't fear anyone from our original neighborhood, not the Tanods or the Police.
If God strikes them down or they get heatstroke,
no one's going to save these runts.
Isn't it obvious how much I hate kids and animals?
VI. Semana, Banal banalan
that my sister whom I shared my room with
was not around Semana Santa, or Holy Week in English.
I'm a closeted adult in a lot of facets of my life
and I'm an atheist at heart.
Every time I say that or someone catches wind,
Filipinos cannot compute.
They do not like atheists or other theists.
I love this week, because I am already working.
No need for “nilay-nilay” or simba.
The best fucks and rubs I got were during Semana.
And when Christ had risen, so did my mood.
I do not mind staying at home,
as long as I have my own room
wherein I could play with phone
VII. Ala, tick tock tick tock...hunghang
It's always like this, isn't it ?
I had always hate social media ever since I was a child.
It's not the bullying that gets to me,
I do not want to be around a rude environment.
I want to be able to like my things without people judging me for it.
I guess that's why I keep my own interests inside of me,
I am not a “gooner” and no one,
not one person in this world can knock me down
or make me lose interests of my interests.
This isn't pre-school or high school.
These kids and teens who beg for adults' love need to try harder.
Because every time I interact with anyone online,
it is cold, calculated and well-planned.
I'm not charity case. I'm someone who's literally
single by choice but polyamorous.
So I deleted my app on a random Friday or Saturday
and moved back to the old reliable.
I don't care for popularity anyway.
I better pull back before I say or do something I might regret.
Making a new friend is rare to me,
it's rarer now that I'm an adult.
I like my new friend so much,
she reminds me of my previous Southeast Asians.
A young Vietnamese kid, an Chinese- Indonesian man,
I had talked to her longer than some of my relationships,
We already joked about exes, about China,
about our governments, about gacha games.
I've tried to get along with other nationalities
but really nothing beats home.
I don't want this friendship to be as deep as it was heartbreaking
or developing a hidden crush.
and failing once more with probably send me
I need to focus on myself,
a new career, better art and writing
and new horizons, wherever that is.
I try to mourn of friends from afar
not replying to messages in a timely matter
but I'm not the only friend
and I'm not a potential love interest.
Being the first one to pack the bags
If I need love and companionship,
She accepts me for who I am
and we literally play the same game.
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