Arting at the Dinner Table

because i live in a small apartment

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Just dropped my toenail clippers in my morning coffee. It’s gonna be a good day.

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I’ve already unwrapped all the thoughts & prayers. Now off to don a white dress and dunk my head in the toilet … How do you celebrate your baptism birthday?

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I’m tired of apologizing for being my true self. I farted in the office today & I am not going to say excuse me.

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If you’re over 70 & the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, that’s elder abuse.

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Re: 3,000 Years of Longing

No way the Queen of Sheba passes on Idris Elba for the “let’s bisect a baby” guy.

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Frogged a project & now it looks like I’m making the severed arm of an acrylic golem

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Anyone else using “I’m gonna sweat later” as an excuse for not showering?

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New rock for my rock collection!

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The new roommate

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I’m going to start saying “my eyeballs are peeing” whenever I start to cry because no one ever asks, “why are you peeing?”

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😢❓

🤷🏼💨

If you’re feeling low, here’s a suggestion from the 5yo who lives in my brain:

Search “colonoscopy farts” on YouTube.

Nothing has brought me more joy (or made hospitals less intimidating) than watching ppl film their loopy, post-colonoscopy loved ones release audacious air farts into the world …

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It. Is. finished.

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Mood Board in F Minor

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Oh, Cher she is! Just 15 rows to go!

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We’re almost Cher! 🤩 🧶 Just 25 rows to go! 🥳

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Caramel blood is on my hands … and my eyeglasses.

Found said glasses in the trashcan at my bedside surrounded by the 40-odd husks of Harvest Apple candy chews that I killed last night.

Services to be held at St. Werther’s Original Cathedral, 6:30 Sunday evening. The families have asked me not to attend.

Happy try-avoiding-the candy-aisles season!

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“Who Wears Shart Shorts?”

Episode 1, fake Season 3, of my fake new show Shart Watch starts tonight on Fizzney Plus!

Kelly takes a laxative and a long road trip. Meanwhile, Kevin’s locked at home gorging on beans and Toby’s got a case of the poop Mondays (aka diarrhea).

Who will lose their shit first? Tune in at 11 to find out.