“I just don’t think people on pot should drive because everyone now is going 20 mi/hr & it’s makin’ me nuts.” - J. Kirkman
“Fucking man up & don’t be so sensitive to women stories in the bad way sensitive. If you can’t even handle a hashtag, imagine how we fucking feel every god-damn day.” - J. Kirkman (around 42:00, ep. “Elephant in the Room)
"And I think show business is a lot more corporate than people think." - J. Kirkman
"No other question! No other question is a bartender allowed to ask me before he has asked me, 'What can I get for you?'" - J. Kirkman
"I was going to order one of those skinny versions that's not all sugar, but I didn't wanna talk anymore. He all ready ruined it. I all ready knew he was a talky-talkerson. So I had to suck it up & get the sugar kind. Boo hoo." - J. Kirkman
"I'm early 'cause I misjudged traffic. He said, 'Yeah, I know it's backed up out there.' He wasn't even listening." - J. Kirkman
"I'm making a to-do list. I want to. I've been dying to do this. Like dying to do it the way that like someone can't wait to get home to see their puppy. The way that someone feels before they order a cheese plate. Just anticipation of what fun I'm gonna have. Don't think I don't have a fun pen, assholes!" - J. Kirkman
(in reference to bartenders making stupid small talk) "A to-do list. First thing on it. Stop talkin' to you." - J. Kirkman
"I was making lists of lists to make." - J. Kirkman
"I can. Just watch me not look at you juggle. I'll win an award for it." - J. Kirkman
"Not facetime on yr phone, but showing face. Facetime used to mean just showing yr face to the boss." - J. Kirkman
"I just can't imagine that you do less at home than you would in the office. The office is so boring you have to distract yrself. At home y'r just like let me get the work done & then I can dance around my mop & pretend I'm Fred Astaire. That's what people do, right? Don't think I do that. I'm not that weird." - J. Kirkman
"What is late? Sorry you guys are so hung up on time." - J. Kirkman
"Yeah, don't get so hung up on time because time's just gonna hang up on you." - A. Biddinger
"Reruns is what old people say." - J. Kirkman
"Your stand-up's the kind of stand-up where, once you watch it, then, in a weird way, you can be in interactions in life and then go, 'God, I wish Jen was here to comment on this'." - Bert Kreischer, Bertcast's Podcast
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