Apathetic. Apathy is a lack of feeling, emotions, interest, or concern. I never understood this word until being told I have apathetic behaviors. It means I feel very little. I can count the number of feelings I had today on one hand. I woke up and I was sad. I cuddled my dog and I was content. I danced and I was empty at the end.
I didn't notice that I wasn't feeling things any more. I still go out with friends, go to work, talk to my family. I still smile and laugh.
But its not genuine. I recognize when I should be happy and I smile, when I should be excited, when I should be interested. I struggle to remember upset or unhappy. Sometimes I can't tell how upset I should be or if the incident is relevant to me. In those moments, I can see my apathy. People looking at me like, "this horrible thing happened, why do you look like you didn't hear a word I said" and I remember to move my face into the unhappy position and say something. "That's terrible! I can't believe that. People can be the worst." (I can't even tell you how often I use that exact phrase because its the only thing I think of. Its so hard to have a conversation when you can't get involved).
I know I've woven myself into this because I was hurt too often and too deep. So I packaged up my feelings and put them away. It started small - letting go of annoyance over behavior or attitude - and grew. It has taken nearly five years for me to get here. I rarely experience any positive emotion. I can remember them and get a kinda shadow feeling but it makes me anxious and I stop remembering. Overwhelmingly the only feeling I have is anxious. I am anxious all the time. Sometimes its punctuated by loneliness. When that happens I start crying. It happens at the most inconvenient times.
I'm in the process of unraveling my apathy. I'm suppose going to be able to open myself up again. Which is beyond scary. All my emotions are in this little tiny box waiting to explode and I don't know how I'm going to handle it. Part of me doesn't want to feel ever again. I remember not being able to breath, laying on my floor clutching my chest and forcing air into my lungs. I remember crying through classes. I remember not eating for days. I don't ever want to hurt again. Its been enough for a lifetime.
But I'm going to try because I deserve a happy life with love and commitment and respect. Because I am a loving person with the ability to be happy. Because hurting has to exist otherwise you lose the happy.