Journal.

Clarity & Stoicism

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About the past... No need for words friend.

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Reset...

I've been using a mood journal, and tracking how I feel day to day. It's somedays I feel genuinely okay at the start then to just say I'm good to try to go in that direction. Trying to just practice clarity, because if it was just like any other day it would be like I'm sort of flimsy and not knowing if the day will be as good. It takes a good amount of effort, and it's good to have a solid base line.

If it wasn't for me having a journal, i'd be stuck in some places with temporary happiness and momentary relapse. It would be really hard to say that I have contentment just idling by. I wasn't all in about having therapy, and I was just wanting to have independence with medications practicing positive affirmations.

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Day At A Time...

Trying to associate my mood with positivity everyday. I was trying to get through days with no agenda as best I could. I feel like i'm wearing a genuine smile. calm and not trying. Trying not to associate moodiness with negative validation. I feel suppressed and still feel an emotional soreness dragging along since I've been trying to relax. Morning is the most awkward time for me, I wake up some days it's okay I'm fine, and some days are not great like feeling burnt out.

Every morning I give myself a chance to just breathe and be by the sunlight to have a chance to just feel calm and still.

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Mental Exhaustion...

I thought I had more space to breathe, I'm assuming it just takes patience. I'm still sticking to the plan and enjoying positivity. Currently facing my fatigue, and It's a struggle to feel good about my day at the moment. It's much like burnout I have faced in the past.

I'm going to really need to consider taking Apriprazole and Brupropion again to balance out my energy. At least it seems like a good option given that I had better day to day energy despite any moodiness.

either way, I'm going to try drinking water and powering through given I still am with a mood stabilizer Olanzapine.

irritable...

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Emotional Reasoning...

I haven't felt genuinely secure even in having a stable job. It's like I have an immaturity that works without my consent. I try to be capable and direct myself in ways to ordinarily function, but because I have strong feelings it's like I'm stuck with how I feel sad, and I also feel like I have logic rather than emotions though I have nervous breakdowns. I just focus on getting through the motions everyday with minimal overthinking. I feel hardships and I've already logically moved on though I emotionally feel like I am not improving or that I'm still a failure.

It's like crying even though you can smile (Feel Happiness and Sadness). The reason I can smile is because I know Its temporary. I know that it isn't always bad days and I know that it still gets easier. Sometimes music triggers my anxiety, or it's just my day is that slow. I feel like comforting myself doesn't even last very long either. The reason I relate to music sometimes is because I still always kind of feel a reflection of my reality and that it's hard to change. I go back and forth with myself, happy because I'm trying to have a satisfaction of productivity. I often feel like I still haven't gotten any better. It's times alone I feel like I need to breathe with all this suppression.

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Catastrophizing and Self-Criticism, 28 years old...

I did have a bleak outlook throughout my life, I always had nervous tensions and doubts in life that made me feel like I wasn't capable enough or that I lacked some sort of sophistication about my character. I always thought it was temporary sadness or doubt, though I've felt this concern a few many times a month or if there was something going to happen that was way more extroverted than I was comfortable. I thought it was just part of myself that I preferred the sidelines to things considering more about book work and other forms of detail oriented work that didn't require a lot of outgoing communication. Now and Days in adult life, I try to find comfort in tasks and thoroughness as a capable work skill rather. I've managed roles before that I didn't like to question of such as Cashier or Concession work. I had a good run with treatment when I had medical insurance coverage. I was able to cope with the fast paced environment at the register with perfectly okay communication.

lately being unemployed and getting older I find myself with disinterest in things I used to like, though I tried validating against my opinion given time on my hands. Thinking I lack or I'm wasting my time enjoying my free time doing things I enjoyed before I was 20 years old. Really came to the answer that I should be able to be a mature adult copable of anything even though I had a very youthful past. It really came to me that I didn't want to be young anymore, to have more sophistication of myself especially now that I'm way older. I've been coping with depression because I am just stuck with so much time on my hands and there's absolutely nothing to do so much. It's like I had lost a sense of satisfaction though and coping with relief in less childisih aspects of my life. I often enjoyed exercising, and trying to feel more interested in my education path for college watching law and order, good cop and other more mature films.

Stuck with so much time on my hands...

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Little The Same Everyday...

I jumpstart every morning with coffee. It's easier to have momentary relief in picturing how a lifestyle would be and my main concern is feeling "burnt out."

Trying to internalize a familiarity in my day by day. Trying to be patient and getting through the day with low maintenance activity like Tv or music. Just remembering while I go through the motions to just keep carrying on somehow. I thought I could fool my body to try and fight sensations that carry over the past day. I'm realizing it was my past medications that made it way easier ; Apriprazole and Brupropion. Truth is It's either I exercise the morning as well or have some place to just be to be more distracted against my nervous reaction other wise it's just mellow gloomy still at times. Trying for functional.

Trying to have a still direction with finding contentment.

It's been a few months taking Olanzapine only at night before bed.

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Clarity...

It's funny because I was trying to anticipate a clearing between moods, and I was wondering why all my life it is always somewhat gloomy. I thought having a structure in life like I did I could get out of moodiness. I forgot what it was like to be without medicine and my anxiety came back. Though I've been trying to really internalize positively and I have the time to just get better inside. Don't get me wrong I know some days it's just bleh and bleh can be average sometimes though it's nice to acknowledge that you have space. I'm really trying to do breathing exercise and just pacing not because I have expectations of milestones in life, but because there is a significance in being more genuinely okay like that missing link that you see other people can just cope and its like whatever.

A gentle up beat rhythm that's not too fast like blissful pumping with balance of a calm melody.

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Mellow Smile... (Olanzapine)

Drowned out, I forgot that I can kind of try to smile a little bit. Just to find contentment, curating a mellow happy playlist on Spotify. To remind myself of what I've lost in the habit of productivity without too drastic of a mood change. I've been trying just okay and it's more average though I still often feel grief from anxiety, but I realized today that I could be mellow happy at least when I can that way I have a habit of just feeling genuinely more just okay. I was struggling with the disinterest in old hobbies and silence everyday was difficult to find comfort.

It was just going through the motions, and trying to have confidence in my capability, but that wasn't enough to just be okay sometimes. I felt a disconnection between highs and lows. I was thinking of getting a sense of routine, showering and coffee in the morning. I was trying to find a bridge between. It's like I can just at least enjoy the music and feel a little bit better. I'm trying to let things pass and it's like a focus without focusing. Instead of suppressing my emotions that gave me nervous breakdowns.

It's just that mellow is the bridge.