And we promised to never build again

It tastes like death and looks like fun but don't you get the wrong impression, it's just business with the worst intentions.

[asalwaysandregrettably]

I owe it to myself To leave right now In the middle of the night You asked me to stay But neither of us know what that means The problem was I never felt you in my lungs The smoke always held heavier And more honest You remind me of coffee in the late morning I don't need you But you're a familiar taste to face the day with Your silence never felt uncomfortable But I always tried to ruin it with a story. You always had better stories.

[sevenreasons]

I used to think poetry was the pretty ways I could tell you I adored you. Now I know it’s the way your skin feels against mine, the way you pause when kissing me and how your eyes lure my soul outside to play.

I should have gone to bed that night. via Sevenreasons (via sevenreasons)

[asalwaysandregrettably]

Let's be cliché...

There’s something about being unable to sleep all night and watching the room slowly fill with the soft light of the awakening sun that does something to your insides. Something in that tinted glow of the morning that rejuvenates your soul and reminds you that as each day begins anew, your path is not carved in stone. Yesterday may have seen you a color you are not proud of but as you witness this new day begin before anyone else, you too can can shed the past's weight and start again.  Or maybe it’s just your body telling you that it’s time to sleep. Yeah, probably that… 

[asalwaysandregrettably]

Helium.

August 23, 2009

I finally let that balloon go today.  I’ve been holding on to it for all the wrong reasons. I’ve been keeping it from the only direction it wanted to go and today I untied it from around my wrist and just let go. I watched it climb as high as it could go, as far from me as the air would take it. My emotions kept calm and I almost felt the slightest relief, one that I envisioned it to share. It’s been with me for a while and I created quite a fondness for it, but I was just trapping it down by the weight of my attachment. If it wants to go who am I to stop it. 

[asalwaysandregrettably]

One Last Letter.

July 9, 2009

Once again, almost like I call them to me, A coincidence finds me.  July ninth. Exactly 5 months since you broke your promise. Another walks into my life completely by a fated chance. Let me paint you another picture  I know that you were never good at deciphering my riddles  So I’ll try to keep it short The sun finds it travels cut short  As it sinks behind the Californian hills  It’s light slowly darkens the faces of strangers gathering  For a common purpose. The crowded park of people chattering  Fills the air Nothing distinct,  Just noise. Orchestra music that you would have never sat through Sounds in the background  Setting the night up to be one of a kind. I noticed that the fading light Enhanced the breathing trees That you have always fancied Stars try to break out against the sky  And I find a rhyme emitting from my mouth  That I had thought left my memory long ago I wish on a star Hoping the stable ones hold more luck then the falling ones. I knew if I turned to my left I’d find myself following your advice For you are so far from my mind in that moment A search party would have to be sent for your name My eyes would meet a face that made me feel  More at home in a few days then our months had. Later, as I reviewed the evening, I found myself almost convinced that I had made the right decision; And for that, I thank you. Had you not destroyed me then I would have never had the courage to leave the East behind. Once again, Thank you.

[asalwaysandregrettably]

False sense pt.3

Here I go again Third time’s the charm Something tells me that you’re not listening But I’ve invested too much time Into proving you wrong  So I’ll be damned if I quit now And that’s for sure I’ll once again remind myself That you have the time to grow  And one day you’ll admit your faults Like you’ve noted mine You change your mind  Quicker than I can find the words  For a comparison that matches The magnitude of your indecision  You once stated the desire  For someone to care enough to chase you And there I was  In a one player game of tag Like the only second grader  That was not picked for kickball And even though my efforts go unnoticed  I’ll keep trying ‘Cause I am an unconditional friend  Sorry if that inconveniences you You would do well to follow suit Not that I’m a trend setter It’s just good advice I am well aware that you  Have little knowledge  Of what I actually mean So let me water it down for you To the point of no longer guessing I fell for you in the hardest way You let me live in the contentment  Of an imaginary world  Where people meant what they said And broken hearts were only a myth You gave me enough hope That I actually believed  It could be real But with six simple words  That hold no meaning out of context I watched you burn the world I created Just because you could  If I call you a liar  You’d just ask me to prove it And we both know I can’t  But insufficient facts aside  We both know that You didn’t hang the moon after all It was just a camera trick And now that I have witnessed  The man behind the curtain The illusions no longer hold the spark they once did And I won’t be falling for them again.

“I have loved you from the first day. I think I will love you forever.”

[asalwaysandregrettably]

False sense pt.2

No, you’re right I never mattered  This never existed So just keep ignoring me Like you already are As if I wasn't about to make a decision  To change my life Maybe for the better  But probably for the worse  So I’ll take this moment to thank you For saving me from the fate That I was falling towards But that is all you get So sit back and listen To the rhythm That you didn’t learn the first time Repeating the same words In a different tune Hoping they will find the ears  You tend to close off to any reality That goes against your own Go ahead and laugh at me now Before you flinch at my words For they almost leave more of an after burn Than you would have hoped for Just keep that head high  Like you didn’t know that you were falling But I can see it  And you know you are Though if it is a game of pretend you want Then I’m in Let’s play I’ll stay out of your way And keep to my analogies  And limited vocabulary That I still have to constantly diminish  For you to comprehend  Just follow your crowd As you try to fit in But you stick out like a physical third eye Yet still I bet even it couldn’t see What was coming As your internal structure collapses upon itself For the Spine and soul That once gave your core support Seems to have walked away Taking with it your sense of understanding And ability to grasp the situation at hand Though once again  I will give you the benefit of a doubt  And assume that you’ll have the opportunity to grow Instead of dooming you to the idea of mental retardation  It’s a funny thing to think you have someone  Right where you want them In the palm of your hand  When really all you have is water Slipping through the tiniest cracks Slowly Oh so very slowly Decreasing it’s interest in staying  Until one day Right before your very eyes It’s completely  Gone.

[asalwaysandregrettably]

False Sense

I could make you feel [Like] there’s no one else In [the world] But what [was] I thinking  After all, I’m [just] a girl Shielding[low] blows  Holding high [hopes] Yeah, that’s me Wishing to be the conflict That you could never fight off Those dreams start to age Becoming no more Then the shadow of a long lost thought But what’s in a thought When it’s coming from you Though I never was one to judge  The mentally challenged Isn’t that what you are? Challenged by your  Ever-so- slightly Dropping-by-the-minute Mental capacity Yeah, that’s a word Look it up Enlighten my conversation Are you offended By the fact that I’m always right? Creative discussions were always the time For call-outs and obscene remarks  Towards the behaviour I’ve been exhibiting  And yes That word’s in there too And it means a lot more  Then you could ever show Do I really mean it? Well, you always told me  Not to lie So the answer’s not a no So Just hold your head high  And I’ll wait for you to fall In line with the dirt On the pavement Below my feet That was always your place Where people could Step all over you.

[ofheightsandhollows-deactivated]

I Once Dated A Writer and

[asalwaysandregrettably]

Writers are forgetful, but they remember everything. They forget appointments and anniversaries, but remember what you wore, how you smelled, on your first date… They remember every story you’ve ever told them - like ever, but forget what you’ve just said. They don’t remember to water the plants or take out the trash, but they don’t forget how to make you laugh. . Writers are forgetful because they’re busy remembering the important things.

[asalwaysandregrettably]

[asalwaysandregrettably]

Come take a walk with me

I just want to find someone who will wander around the roots of any city with me and just get lost in being a stranger. Sharing a new story around every corner about how growing up is hard while trying to figure out where the lines of each other’s integrity are drawn, joking at all the strange people or things that we don’t understand and realizing that everyone has problems with themselves that we cannot even begin to fathom. 

[asalwaysandregrettably]

Oh glorious mistakes

He had reality written on his wrist and danger drawn on his hip while each step towards me piqued my curiosity of what other words he was hiding, like mistake or passion. 

But I found a god-complex in his strength and love scrawled in italics under his collarbone. Fear lived on his shoulder while desperation tip-toed around his ankle, threatening to trip him at any moment. 

His core screamed power while his spine whispered vulnerable under my fingertips running lightly and methodically back and forth over it. Everywhere I looked proved that dedication had found it's home within each toned muscle under his skin.Each touch spelled out skill but every kiss spoke broken. 

Pain colored a darkness in the middle of his chest where several words were written over each other. Weakness sat at the nape of his neck as it invited my lips to grace it. I paused when I found secrets snaking around his ear but my heart skipped when I almost missed predator hiding in his hairline.  Listen had dismembered itself on his triceps and I had to think to connect the letters. His forearm held pride in an intricate loud font and equality was exed out on his palm. Blame ran down his index finger as innocent hung off his thumb. 

[asalwaysandregrettably]

I need to be home.

Someone asked me where I was from and all I could think of was walking down the street while passing back and forth a pipe between us at one in the morning, listening to the "I love yous" that skated under our conversation and staring at the falling stars hoping I never have to leave you, but instead I gave them the name of the town that I grew  up in that took its namesake after independence yet never had the decency to let me find any.  Someone asked me where I live and all I could think of was you running your hand down my leg and kissing my back while we stood in a hot shower at three am, stoned out of our minds, our endless affection rang out in the thick steam, but I just smiled and asked another question that would reveal their geographical knowledge whilst wishing I could forget it entirely.  Someone asked me where I call home and the only thing I could think of were your arms wrapped around me while I fall sleep with those silent ‘I love you’s’ drifting me off into another existence, but I just answered with the name of my state of residence like it could even pretend to equal to the safety and comfort my heart finds in you. 

[asalwaysandregrettably]

You should have fought for me to stay

Before I met you, I couldn’t quite understand when someone would talk about missing another person. People come and go in and out of our lives all the time. I couldn’t fathom how one person could make your core physically hurt in the absence of them in your life. The idea of needing someone seemed a weakness in my eyes.

But here I am, broken down in the middle of the night on the floor of my sister’s living room, clutching my aching chest as my heart cries for your strong arms around me and my skin pines for the light trail of kisses down my neck as you reassure me that everything will be okay. And there you are, three thousand miles away at my will as I try to find the remnants of my former self in the place where I lost it. Missing you every second.

[asalwaysandregrettably]

It's waiting for me to begin.

I had a conversation with a friend this week about how I feel like so much has happened in my life and I’m only 20. His theory is that I’m going to die young (thanks -_-) but I’m going to die at peace that I’ve lived an alright life. 

Then we became under the influence and I started talking about how much I have left to do with my life before I settle down. I want to live in a New York flat with 5 other people that go out dancing all the time and I would get even more into my acting. I want to be a foreign exchange student in Italy, living with a real Italian mother that can teach me amazing ways to cook and fall in love with one of the locals. I want to live in Seattle and open my own small cafe that would have two open mic nights a week and have improv every other Friday and live in a small studio apartment while I write my first novel. I want to be able to accept an invite from an attractive stranger to a coffee shop and have a great conversation over mocha lattes.  And then when all my adventures are over, after I learn all that I can and steal the rich secrets of the world, I want to come back home and snuggle deep in Los Angeles and I want to teach. 

I am so young, my life is just waiting for me.

[asalwaysandregrettably]

Once upon a night...

...that made me inquisitive about the state of the world In a land of rolling hills so far behind me I fear I will never get them back My eyes stayed open regardless of my attempt to sleep; instead, images of every kind found the ceiling above me. Two young people stood at the edge of the world. I could almost feel the warm water ebbing around their feet Almost smell the scent that the tide drug in with it. As the boy stares into the vast emptiness of the sea before them The girl says to him with a voice so soft that if it was not I that conjured it up I would have never heard it “I could be the only one here for you, no one else has to exist.” He turned his head to face her rolled his eyes And replied simply, “Doubtful.”

[asalwaysandregrettably]

Dear Broken Bone,

Your cavern that was once filled with marrow, With essence of life, Is now as empty as the soul to blame for your death. Once did organisms find the space within you, Around you, Surrounding you with evidence of your purpose.  I'll spend the last moments of your wake  Convincing myself it was all for the better, Yet I know I lie. You were my brace when I fell. Your scarred walls held reminder of my stupidity And you've helped me grow. The life you once harbored has abandoned you With no other choice  And now so must I.