An apology
tw: abuse, abuser rhetoric, abuse apologism, transphobia, transmisogyny, intersexism, nsfw text, sexual abuse, body shaming, verbal abuse, emotional abuse
A few days ago I wrote an apology about the post I made about genital preferences and while I did express that I know what I wrote was wrong, I didn't go into depth into why it was wrong and I did not acknowledge the harmful rhetoric that I was spreading either. What I wrote in the original post suggested that the problem with genital preference could be 'fixed' by asking your partner if you could just simply not interact with their genitals. I severely misunderstood and oversimplified how far and deep the issue goes and I will explain the multiple ways that I did. Saying that your partner should be allowed to express discomfort/disgust with your body at all is still 100% transphobic and intersexist anyways but also abuser rhetoric as well. Nobody has the right to ask if they can just simply 'avoid' a part of your body and treat any part of you like you're disgusting or treat you like you're subhuman. If they do feel that way at all then they should not be trying to date you, let alone anyone. I should have not been validating the abuse that so many trans and intersex people have gone through. I did not think about the most vulnerable members of the trans community -- transfeminine people. Genital preference is a common talking point with terfs and with what I said I was more or less parroting them and spreading their ideology. I cannot claim to care about them and at the same time spew the same kind of words that terfs say to inflict violence on them. People who have genital preferences also inflict sexual and physical violence (not just psychological/emotional) onto transfem people more often than anyone else in the trans community. I need to apologize to two specific people in this apology post as well. To the transfeminine anon, I owe you an apology for my response to you and the transmisogyny I posted . The way I replied to you was dismissive of your feelings and it was honestly quite rude as well. I should've responded to you with more tact and understanding. I hope that this apology shows that I took your words to heart and that I fully understand what I did wrong. To Eli, I apologize for validating the abuse you went through. As an abuse victim myself, I know I would be absolutely livid if I saw a post implying what I went through was in any way okay. I betrayed your trust as your friend not just in a personal way but with the messages I was conveying as well. I apologize to all of you but I especially apologize to the groups and the people I've mentioned above. I became an abuse apologist, a transphobe, a transmisogynist and an intersexist due to the poor handling of my words. I caused people a lot of pain and having to relive trauma due to the callousness of what I said. I learned that I really need to think hard and long when it comes to talking about serious topics such as this because regardless of what my intention might be, I can and very well may end up hurting so many people with my words (especially vulnerable communities). I could be ending up validating mindsets of horrible and dangerous groups of people. My intention is for something like this to never happen again when I use my words to speak about issues similar to this one. I will be adding the screenshots of what I said to the bottom of this post and I will be also including the one ask and the reblogs of the people who called me out as screenshots. This is for keeping me accountable and to give you all the full story as. I will also be making this a pinned post for easy accessibility. Thank you for reading this and thank you to those who called me out. I mostl likely would've never realized the severity of my words if you didn't. ------- The Screeshots My Post
[Image Description: A screeshot of tumblr user aselilian saying “Trans person: It’s fine to have trauma/a preference when it comes to genitalia just don’t assume things about our bodies! Ask your partner if you can both find a way not to interact with that body part (or some shit idk)! Communication is key! Cis person: huh what i can’t hear anyways stop making us trying to have sex with you!!!! >:(((( “” The second part below reads ” I think I should maybe clarify a couple of things. 1. I don’t think ‘I have a genital preference!!!!!’ is a valid or excuse not to date trans people or assume things about our bodies at all. I would never insinuate anything like that at all. 2. What I’m trying to say is that if you have certain parts of the body you don’t like touching/being touched, you should talk about it instead of excluding a wide group of people. This isn’t exclusive to genitals. Like for example, if you don’t want your back being touched at all then you need to communicate your feelings. Or your partner doesn’t want their arms being touched for any reason. Part of my argument is that the genital preference argument is fucked up and part of it is communication is important. 3. I really didn’t word what I was trying to say well and I apologize to whoever I offended. When it comes to these kinds of topics I’ll either think more carefully next time (or just not say anything at all).”.]
The anon and lnvited calling me out (for some reason it’s not showing his username??)
the anon: [Image Description: A screenshot of an anon saying “ saying you have a preference is still transmisogynist and the last part about how you can avoid certain parts of your partner's body feels really fucked up to me. like you're saying that a part of their body is disgusting or scary. triggers are not an excuse for transmisogyny”]
lnvited’s response to me: [Image Description: A screenshot of tumblr user lnvited responding to my post saying “This post is ugly as fuck mate holy shit. If you have issues with someone’s genitals (or any aspect of their body lmao) don’t fucking date them. I first hand experienced a relationship where the dude was vehemently disgusted by vaginas. That shit heavily traumatized me and destroyed my self esteem. He made his boundaries quite clear while continuing to date me, someone with a vagina, and making it clear we would never be intimate and that he finds that aspect of my body disgusting. Your post is validating that behavior whether you mean it or not. Go fuck yourself.” This is followed a reblog of him saying “I feel it important to add this was another tme person who did this shit to me and I know the level of trauma it caused and so I especially fear for all the tma people out there who are now having their abuse validated by shit like this. Why the fuck would you date someone if their body disgusts or traumatizes you in any capacity. Don’t tell those freaks to “communicate” tell them to go to fucking therapy or be fucking single. That negativity will seep into the relationship regardless of how much they “communicate” bc they are fundamentally repulsed by someone who they claim to love. It’s disgusting. “]
