"Eu estava lutando para pensar em o que dizer, então eu parei de pensar. Eu estava convencido de que eu não sabia que eu queria ser. E então eu percebi, a resposta foi ao meu redor. Eu quero ser alguém que esteja disposto a perdoar. Eu quero ser alguém que se preocupa mais com os outros do que a si mesmos. Eu quero ser alguém que pode dizer como ele é. Eu quero ser alguém que iria desistir de tudo pelo motivo certo. Eu quero ser alguém que vê o melhor em todos. Eu quero ser alguém que é um verdadeiro amigo. Eu quero ser alguém que sempre tenta ser uma pessoa melhor, e alguém que aprende com seus erros. Eu acho que eu só quero ser alguém que engloba todas essas coisas para que eu possa finalmente ser aquela menina que não precisa de um rapaz para ser feliz, porque eu vou sabe dançar tudo por minha conta. " — Jenna Hamilton, Awkward
"i don't want to be your burden" (never let me go, ep. 12)
for many, palm's decision to leave nueng in the finale of never let me go was surprising and seemed like an out-of-character, lazy way of writing in last-minute drama. i'd like to argue that it was actually completely consistent with palm's character. thinking that leaving nueng is the best thing he can do for him is a culmination of all palm's deep-seated insecurities:
that he is worthless if he is not of service
that loving him is burdensome
that he does not deserve the love of someone like nueng
let's consider the roots of each of these insecurities, how they influence palm's decision to leave, and how nueng ultimately addresses them, allowing them to move forward in their relationship as true equals.
that he is worthless if he is not of service
palm inherits this particular insecurity from chanon, the absent father who instills in him a strong sense of duty and reprimands him when he fails to fulfill said duties. the clearest example of this dynamic is when chanon scolds palm for failing to stop nueng from drinking alcohol at the party in episode 4. ignoring the injuries palm has sustained protecting nueng in the fight that broke out, chanon brutally tears into him, yelling that palm is undeserving of his trust (and affection, apparently). he says he is completely disappointed in palm, and when palm begs his dad to show an ounce of concern about his broken arm, questioning why he must care more about nueng's family, chanon responds with a harsh slap across the face.
being able to perform his duty well is critical to palm's sense of self-worth. we see this in a positive sense whenever he gains happiness and confidence from taking care of nueng (e.g., "when i see you are feeling relaxed, i feel i've done my job well"). but in the face of failure, his fragile confidence shatters, revealing a deep sense of inadequacy. after his mother is killed, nueng tells palm that his mother must have loved him and been very proud of him. but palm rejects the idea, saying there's nothing about him to be proud of because he "can't protect anyone."
when palm realizes his leg is paralyzed, all his fears about not being able to perform his duty come to fruition. his duty is all he feels that he has to offer nueng, but now he's bedridden, incapable of taking care of him. it's an especially hard blow considering the way the series has framed palm as the "body" to nueng's mind. what is he now, without this body?
his conversation with tanya at the hospital only further confirms his insecurities about no longer being able to take care of nueng. tanya notes that nueng is "mature and self-sufficient" now. (and how can palm disagree, seeing nueng stride confidently out the door to take an international work call, all suit and tie and polished english accent?) meaning well, tanya tells palm he doesn't have to take care of nueng anymore, that she can find someone else to do the job. the alarm in palm's eyes at hearing this is palpable, his mother's warning that he's replaceable to nueng's family surely ringing in the back of his head.
that loving him is burdensome
speaking of palm's mother - this next insecurity comes primarily from her. mam left chanon and palm because she felt she "couldn't breathe" under the weight of the responsibilities of motherhood. she tells palm that being a mother was too tiring, that it robbed her of the ability to follow her dreams and live her life in the way she wanted. the message palm receives is that it is a burden to love and take care of him, one that even his own mother was unwilling to shoulder.
after the wedding, mam expands on this idea that love, more generally, is a burden. she tells palm that love can rob people of their freedom and reminds him to consider that there is more to life than love. palm leaves nueng because he does not want to stifle his freedom in the way that chanon's love stifled that of his mother.
palm's fear of holding nueng back emerges in full force when he is injured and reliant on nueng for help. he worries about the work nueng is missing, asking why he is "wasting his time" taking care of him at the hospital. nueng tries to reassure him that it's normal for lovers to be there for each other "both in good and bad times," but in palm's experience, that hasn't been the case. when has his father been there for him? his mother? moreover, his parents didn't stick by each other through thick and thin either. not wanting to repeat their mistakes, palm refuses to be a "burden" to nueng.
that he does not deserve the love of someone like nueng
on top of these insecurities, palm must contend with the doubt that a working-class boy like him is a fitting partner for nueng, the heir of a prominent business conglomerate. reminders of palm and nueng's status difference have abounded throughout the series and come from spectators of all kinds. chanon continually warns palm to "know his place" (i.e., the kitchen, the back of the car, the small bedroom they share). palm's friends, aun and maggie, both question why palm cares so much about nueng, giving that he's so above their social standing. and there's kit, who derisively calls palm part of tanya's "charity work." (it's no mistake that palm pointedly tells chopper that he doesn't want to be anyone's "charity project" when he offers to pay for his medical bills.)
palm is keenly aware that nueng may soon move onto someone "better" than him. when he gets nueng's name tatooed on his back, it's so he has a reminder of him, assuming they are not together in the future. when nueng asks him about the future in episode 11, palm still keeps his expectations low. he says even though he wants to be with nueng, he's not sure nueng will still want to be with him, given how "different" they are.
palm is especially worried about what tanya will think of their relationship, telling nueng it might be "too early" to tell her about it. nueng, who has the privilege to overlook the awkward position palm is in, is happy to leave palm alone in tanya's room to tell her about their "lives on the island." of course, palm chooses not to tell her anything about their relationship. and when tanya says she hopes nueng won't face any more obstacles in his life, all palm can do is look on in wary silence, knowing that a life with him (physical injuries aside) will be far less cushy than one with someone wealthy.
the goodbye letter
palm's goodbye letter is full of language indicative of these three insecurities, conveying his deep-seated belief that he is not worthy of nueng's love. i've copied an excerpt of his letter below and put the especially relevant pieces in bold:
I'm sorry that I can't keep the promise I gave you.
Please don't waste your time on me anymore.
I know that you love me. Thank you so much.
But I want you to love yourself more.
You should live your life without worrying about me.For all these times, being loved by you, I'm so lucky to have that.It's more than I could ever dream of.
If you really love me, please don't look for me.
Because this is what I want.
it's interesting to compare palm's goodbye letter to nueng's, because in many ways, palm's letter is a response to his.
This letter is an order to you. I'll order you as a boss and you need to follow my order.
...
This is the problem that I will face for the rest of my life. You and your dad can't fix it. This is the problem that my mom and I need to fix ourselves.
...
I hope you will start a new life with someone who can truly love you. One day, when everything is over and I am still alive, I'll be waiting to meet the person that you love.
I wish you to have a happy life and a good family.
Don't worry about our story. I'll keep it a secret. You won't have any problem because of it.
in their letters, both nueng and palm use language acknowledging that they cannot stay together, suggesting that they see themselves as burdens to one another, and hoping their lives will be happier without them in it. (their parallel lack of self-worth is a subject for a whole other post.) the key difference is in tone: nueng's letter is formal, a polite but distanced order from boss to subordinate; meanwhile, palm's letter is emotional, a plea from one lover to another. this difference is also indicative of palm's insecurities: just as all palm can offer nueng is his love, his love is all he can use as leverage to persuade nueng to obey his command.
reunion and resolution
once palm and nueng are reunited at the beach, they revisit and address each of palm's insecurities, ensuring that they are able to resume their relationship on equal footing.
that he is worthless if he is not of service
when palm admits that he left because he was worried he couldn't take care of nueng, nueng assures palm that he doesn't need to *do* anything to deserve his love, addressing palm's doubt that he is only worthy of love as long as he is useful. nueng tells palm he's proud of him already and that he has nothing to "prove" because all nueng cares about is that palm loves him.
2. that loving him is burdensome
nueng disabuses palm of the idea that loving him is a burden first by telling him how much their separation was a burden to him ("do you know how terrible it felt to be worried about you all the time?"). then, nueng honors palm's wish to "build everything on his own" rather than rely on nueng's money to do so, easing palm's concerns about taking advantage of him. finally, they agree to each pursue their independent dreams while recognizing that their romantic relationship can withstand their physical separation.
3. that he does not deserve the love of someone like nueng
palm and nueng finally resolve the status difference between them when palm agrees to call nueng by name, without honorifics, and talk to him in an impolite register. this linguistic shift is indicative of the fact that they are no longer boss/subordinate, but rather equals. (and nueng also reiterates that he has never cared about palm's status, clarifying that he's been flirting with him from the start.)
with all of palm's insecurities addressed and resolved, there is no doubt or ambiguity between nueng and him anymore. rather than a last-ditch attempt to add drama, palm leaving nueng was a clever and well-thought-out writing decision. it forces all of the lingering issues in their relationship to their surface and pushes nueng to fight for palm, just as palm has fought for nueng. it completes the role reversal that has stretched across the whole series - starting with palm taking care of nueng and making him stronger, more confident person and shifting to nueng doing the same for palm. what could have been a very one-sided relationship was in reality always about mutuality and reciprocity. both palm and nueng had to choose each other, and they did.
dancing, dreams, and despair - scene analysis (never let me go, ep. 9)
in a drunken, bereaved stupor after his mother's death, palm reaches out to nueng, asking for the dance he's dreamed of since episode 3. but this dance is far different from the one he once imagined. in both dance sequences, we see palm and nueng grappling with the impossibility of their love, but from different perspectives. while the dance in episode 3 is hopeful yet rigid, a fantasy palm uses to escape the new confines of his life as a servant, the dance in episode 9 is somber yet fluid, a tender farewell from nueng before he leaves in order to protect palm.
the tenderness and intimacy of palm and nueng's dance in episode 9 is intensified by the formality and sterility of their dance in episode 3. in palm's imagination, nueng and him are back in the dance studio, arms interlocked as they perform a tight, fast, somewhat stiff waltz. this stiffness (although likely due to the fact that this dance scene was improvised day-of and pond and phuwin couldn't practice together beforehand) can be interpreted as symbolic of the societal prohibitions and internal repression that keep them apart. palm knows a relationship between nueng and him is impossible, and this knowledge seeps into his fantasy, distorting the image.
despite the rigidity of the dance, the tone of the scene is hopeful. palm gets a chance to take the leading role, a reprieve from his subordination as a servant in nueng's house. the light, although hazy, is bright, and when palm and nueng's eyes meet at the end of the dance, there's a whisper of possibility between them.
it's this glimmer of possibility, and the comfort that it brings, that makes palm smile to himself in his bedroom. even though nueng and him cannot be together in real life, they can dance together in his mind - a place where he can pretend to be in control, a place where he can pretend to be wanted. it's telling that in episode 9, feeling vulnerable and alone after his mother's death and nueng threatening to leave, palm asks nueng to dance with him. he wants to retreat back to this safe space of control and desire; but this time, it's real.
unfortunately, palm's lack of control and the impossibility of his relationship with nueng are real too. when they begin to dance, palm takes the lead, putting nueng's hand on his shoulder and his hand on nueng's waist. but he quickly falters, movements uncharacteristically slow in his grief. in contrast to the sterile and rigid dance scene in episode 3, this scene is full of warm tones and indicators of palm and nueng's intimacy. rather then taking quick steps to the time of the beat, they move slowly, melting into each other. nueng pulls him into a hug, comforting him, and they stay like that, swaying as nueng sends palm his warmth.
when palm pulls away, he looks at nueng with an emptiness in his eyes that is startling from a boy who holds so much light inside of him. he is very much an open wound in this scene, and nueng offers himself up to palm to fill it. the way palm kisses nueng is hard, aggressive, and desperate. he wants to fill that yawning emptiness in his chest with the warmth of nueng's lips, the knowledge of his love. they wrap their arms around each other, both clinging to each other's bodies as despair closes in around them.
despair is closing in on both of them, because during this entire scene, nueng knows he is going to leave palm later that night. palm is grieving his mother, but nueng is grieving too, knowing he must say goodbye to palm. he pulls palm into him, arm around his neck, knowing that this is the last time he will get to kiss him.
but they cannot distract themselves from their mutual despair for long. tears run down palm's cheeks as they kiss, and feeling them against his skin, nueng pulls away. he wipes the tears from palm's cheeks softly, looking at him with eyes full of concern and devastation. because he sees the broken boy in front of him, and all he can think is that he is the one that has ruined him. nueng believes he is the reason for all of palm's suffering, so now, he drinks in palm's features, trying to memorize his face before he leaves him forever.
it is a bitter irony that the first insight we got into palm's feelings for nueng was his dream of them dancing together, and only now, on their last night together, does his dream "come true." in episode 3, palm was the one grappling with the impossibility of their relationship; in episode 9, it is nueng who feels their relationship is impossible. not because of their class difference per se, but because everyone close to nueng is inevitably in danger, and he cannot bear to be the reason palm gets hurt.
the lyrics of the song playing in the background (monsoons by johannes bornlof and le june) underscore the feeling of tragic love that suffocates the scene, as well as the dance's role as just a momentary escape from the realities that will separate palm and nueng. here's a breakdown of the main verses:
An ocean
A cave
A dream that no one could save
A shelter
Our whole lives
A lie that dies with the night
You and I, we got our differences
Yet I thought that we were more alike than unalike
the ocean and cave mentioned evoke images of palm and nueng's secret beach, which can only be accessed via a pathway through a cave. the "dream that no one could save" is palm and nueng's happiness together on the island; short-lived and inevitably temporary, despite how much palm and nueng may wish to stay. the "lie that dies with the night" could refer to nueng's lie that he never loved palm (as he proves his love by leaving in order to protect him). but from palm's perspective, nueng leaving may prove his initial declaration of love to be a lie. lastly, palm and nueng are from "different worlds," and thus have their "differences," but from the very beginning, nueng pinpointed similarities between them ("we are both our father's puppets). they are "more alike than unalike" in that they both have no one but each other and are trapped in a narrative that has assigned them roles they never wanted.
Monsoon rain and chest pain
What's the plan?
Hard to breathe and staying sane
Grab my hand
Everything is great inside this narrow maze
"monsoon rain and chest pain" call to mind how palm and nueng initially entered each other's lives. it was raining heavily the night nueng's father was murdered, the event that triggered chanon to bring palm to bangkok as nueng's bodyguard. meanwhile, chanon and palm are indebted to nueng's family in the first place because nueng's father paid for palm's life-saving heart surgery when he was young. the next lines convey the uncertainty of palm and nueng's current situation; both are unsure what their next steps should be and are fracturing under the pressure of it all. but for this moment, while they are dancing, they can grab each other's hand and feel "everything is great" amid the narrow maze closing in around them (no clear way out).
We speak but
Of nothing
We run our separate ways
Do you ever think about me?
Or are you busy with someone else
before nueng leaves palm in the middle of the night (going their "separate ways"), he confesses that he thinks palm would have a happier life with someone else. in his goodbye note, nueng says he hopes one day he'll meet the person palm falls in love with in the future (thinking about him "busy with someone else").
this masterful song selection, with all the parallels to palm and nueng's story, heightens the somber mood of the farewell dance in episode 9. for a moment, palm and nueng try to escape their tumultuous reality and drown their sorrow in one another. but in the end, they must separate. their dances, much like their love, belong to the world of dreams.
we were first introduced to the metaphor of body and mind for palm and nueng, respectively, in episode 3 (read my post on it here). nueng tells palm that he will be "the brain" while palm is "the muscle" so that they will make a "good match". in episode 8, the body/mind motif resurfaces to underscore the framing of palm and nueng as soulmates and each other's "other half." it is not despite their differences, but because of them, that palm and nueng belong together.
palm and nueng are much like wu and david, who are "so different" but see these differences as a good thing because they can learn about and from each other. (note: wu also calls david his soulmate.) nueng shares his knowledge with palm, and palm shares his defense skills with nueng. at the beginning of the episode, palm asks nueng to tell him what he learned about the philosophy of love from plato's symposium. after nueng comes to palm and maggie's rescue, he says he learned how to fight by spending time with palm. the mind (nueng) develops the body (palm), and vice versa.
as body and mind, palm and nueng also balance each other out, making up for one another's weaknesses. when palm and nueng first attempt to rescue palm's mom from her creditor, palm is too aggressive and impulsive; he kicks one of the bodyguards, escalating the situation such that guns are drawn. nueng, able to be strategic and rational, convinces palm to let him confront the creditor by himself when he delivers the money to him, saying palm is "too hot-headed.
when nueng confronts the creditor, he employs all his wit and accumulated knowledge from growing up as the heir to a business conglomerate with underground dealings. in sharp contrast to palm's embodied, explosive reaction earlier, nueng is thoughtful and controlled. when the creditor pulls a gun on him, he is completely unfazed, reasoning that the creditor won't go through the trouble of shooting him and calling him on his bluff. just like the body needs the mind to direct its movements, palm needs nueng to channel his righteous anger into effective action.
the body/mind dichotomy emerges again when palm and nueng confess their true feelings for each other at the end of the episode. trying to appease nueng, who is sulking due to his jealousy over maggie, palm asks nueng how he can show him that he belongs to him. he hugs him and kisses his cheek, because for palm, the body, physical expressions of love are enough. but nueng, the mind, needs palm to verbalize his feelings. accordingly, he tells palm he wants to "hear the words from a tight-lipped person like you."
palm and nueng also reveal their orientations as body and mind in their love declarations themselves. when palm says he loves nueng, he doesn't hesitate. he knows it like he knows his heartbeat; it's an instinctive, physical thing. it lives under his skin, in the blood in his veins. he knows he loves nueng, because he bleeds for him.
nueng, on the other hand, approaches love not as a gut-feeling but as an abstract concept, something to be studied and broken apart into a rational philosophy. he lays out how he feels about palm like a mathematician doing a proof. he wants to wake up next to palm every day. he wants to go to sleep next to him every night. he wants to be with palm every moment. since these three things are true, it must be true that he loves palm. (side note: nueng's "i think i love you" is better translated as "i love you the same").
palm and nueng honor each other's requests and expressions of love in turn. the cycle starts with palm trying to express his love through physical affection. nueng asks for verbal affirmation instead, and palm complies. palm also honors nueng's preference for verbalizing feelings by asking nueng to tell him his true feelings as well. then, when palm asks if he can "express his ownership" of nueng, they circle back to expressing love physically, the way palm prefers. nueng consents, and the cycle is complete. both palm and nueng recognize and accept how the other prefers to give and receive love. (i talk about this in relation to acts of service and acts of agency here).
palm and nueng may have different approaches to love, but this doesn't mean one loves each other more or less than the other. in fact, their different approaches to love, like their other differences that map onto the metaphor of body and mind, are exactly why they work so well together. instead of conflicting with one another, palm and nueng complement and complete each other, just as the body and mind complete each other. the series may tell us palm and nueng are soulmates, but it is through their framing as body and mind that it shows us they are the "other half" each is searching for.
giving + giving in - scene analyses (never let me go, ep. 7)
in this post, i talked about how palm and nueng express their love for one another in different ways - palm by performing acts of service of his own volition, and nueng by recognizing palm's autonomy in a way no one else does. back in bangkok, where their status difference was in the foreground, they couldn't accept love in these forms. palm's acts of service appeared like acts of duty, and nueng's demands for palm to act like his equal appeared idealistic and ignorant. but on the island, with their temporary freedom from their status differences and the example of wu and david's wedding as catalysts, palm and nueng are finally able to accept the way the other gives them love and give in to their feelings for each other.
at the beginning of the episode, nueng rejects palm's offer to make the bed for him, saying that they are equals while on the island. similarly, he initially protests when palm offers to give him a foot massage. although giving someone a foot massage would be interpreted as a servile act in most cultures, it is an especially meaningful instance of lowering oneself in thai culture, where feet are believed to be the dirtiest, most profane part of the body. in giving nueng a foot massage, palm is demonstrating his deep devotion to him.
as he places nueng's foot in the water, palm says, "let me help you." he's begging for nueng to understand that he wants to do this, that he wants to take care of him in this way. critically, nueng relents, and as the scene progresses, nueng recognizes palm's offer as an act of deep care rather than one of obligatory duty. looking at the smile on palm's face as he performs work befitting a servant, something clicks for nueng. recognizing palm's act of devotion for what it is, he brings up how in love people must feel in order to decide to marry each other.
mirroring the scene in episode 5 in which nueng asks palm if he ever felt wanted by someone, nueng asks him if he has ever been that deeply in love with someone. whereas nueng felt wanted by ben, palm said he had never felt wanted by someone in episode 5. when it comes to deeply loving someone, however, palm and nueng are on equal footing. both say they haven't felt that way about anyone before (which isn't surprising, considering they're in high school). the implication, of course, is that each will come to love one another in this way.
nueng confesses that he doesn't think anyone will love him this much (recall his words on the rooftop in episode 5: 'no one wants me'). he says he's a "bad-luck guy" with a "bad temper" - who would be able to put up with him? palm reassures him that he'll find the right person one day, then proceeds to demonstrate that he himself is that person by seeing nueng's supposedly intolerable anger in a positive light, joking that he is just a little stubborn.
emboldened now that nueng has accepted his care, palm has the courage to reach a comforting hand out to nueng as he struggles to sleep in the following scene. nueng used to be skeptical of palm's kindness and care ("you never really wanted to be my friend"). but now that he understands this care is motivated by palm's true feelings, he accepts it, smiling softly at palm's touch. their newfound intimacy here contrasts sharply with the sleep scene in episode 6, when nueng, believing palm kissed him only out of a sense of duty, rolled as far away as possible from him.
meanwhile, throughout the episode nueng gives palm permission to act according to his true feelings. he 'frees' him from his obligation to nueng's family at the temple, telling him that his life is his own to live. when palm skirts around his feelings, saying that nueng makes "the people around him" happy when he smiles, nueng pushes him to admit that it makes him happy. since he was conscripted as nueng's bodyguard, palm hasn't had ownership of his feelings or the agency to act on them ("i don't have a right to be mad at you"). on the island, we see him recognizing his feelings as important for the first time (e.g., admitting to his mom that kissing nueng felt good).
leading up to the kiss, we see both palm and nueng's forms of love at play. when nueng says he doesn't have a home anymore because his mother, the only one who cares for him, is in a coma, palm reaches out to hold his hand, reminding nueng that he is here to take care of him too. perhaps encouraged by palm's touch, nueng talks about how seeing david and wu's love made him want a boyfriend of his own. david and wu are an example for palm and nueng of how two people from different backgrounds can be together despite the odds, so it is not surprising that their wedding catalyzes nueng asking palm to be his boyfriend in this scene.
palm initially deflects when nueng says he wants a boyfriend, saying he told nueng that he would find "that person" one day. but nueng doesn't want to wait anymore. palm said he was "waiting for his moment," but nueng knows he has to create the moment for him. so he pushes, leaning in toward palm and whispering, "i want to have him right now" while looking him in the eyes meaningfully. nueng needs to be direct, because he knows that left to his own devices, palm won't be.
nueng may be impulsive, but he isn't a fool. he knows that they will eventually have to leave their island refuge, and that once they do, all the real-world barriers keeping palm and him apart will reemerge. that's why, when he asks palm to be his boyfriend, he gives their relationship a limited timeframe - while they are on the island. only the new version of him, the ordinary guy he gets to pretend to be on the island, is allowed to love palm.
palm employs his love language, the language of service, in his response. he asks, "what do i need to do?" and nueng asks if he can kiss him again - but this time, from his true feelings. here, nueng is giving palm the final permission he needs to give in to his own desires. what's interesting here is that they are both in dominant and subordinate positions of power simultaneously. nueng is pleading for palm to give him something, but in order to give him what he wants, palm needs nueng to give him the go ahead.
it's fitting that palm, who's most comfortable expressing his feelings through his body, says nothing before he leans in to kiss nueng. nueng leans in at the same time (instead of waiting passively to be kissed), illustrating how the two of them coming together in the scene is the result of both of them giving in to one another's love. when palm kisses nueng, he does it with his whole body. he kisses him with the same intensity he showed when his fists rained down on phum in order to protect nueng. both are acts of love, embodied. both tell nueng, you have me; this body - its violence and its tenderness - is yours to command.
continuing to follow nueng's lead, palm initially keeps his hands down by his side, refraining from touching nueng, just like when they kissed on the rooftop in episode 5. it's only when nueng reaches out to put his hand on palm's shoulder, pulling him in closer, that palm presses into nueng with his full weight. as he does, nueng reciprocates, kissing him back in a way he didn't on the rooftop. when they break apart, both of them seem a little surprised by the intensity of the other's feelings. after all, they've both spent a long time believing the other would never want them in this way.
palm playfully asks, "is this how couples kiss?" - a reference to him watching wu and david to learn "how couples act" earlier in the episode. the comment also demonstrates just how far removed the two of them are from notions of status and duty now. palm's teasing, asking nueng if he's adequately met nueng's request for a "real" kiss. the dominant/subordinate dynamic that characterized their relationship in bangkok is now something playful and flirtatious. the look nueng gives palm in response, one of wonder and a drunken sort of attraction, is the only answer he needs.
palm cups nueng's neck and pulls him in for another kiss, thumb pressed into his jaw. this is my favorite part of the scene, because it's the first time palm completely gives in to his own desire and allows himself to want more. he's been falling for nueng since the moment he met him, and now he can finally show nueng just how much he wants him. and critically, nueng shows palm how much he wants him back, pulling palm on top of him without ever breaking their kiss.
it's a cathartic and gratifying moment for them both, a moment of indulgent passion tempered by the knowledge that the special bond they share on the island is temporary. it's an embodiment of the “we both know we’re on borrowed time but we fall for each other anyways” trope, which is described beautifully in this post. i'll leave this analysis with an excerpt that resonates with palm and nueng's story so well:
“I know this will break my heart and I know I will never fully recover from this ... But for YOU I’m willing to suffer that passion and the heartache it brings, for our short time together I’m willing to spend the rest of my eternity slowly growing my agonizing way around it. Because you surpass my self-preservation and everything I could ever want and I will forgo anything if it means I can have THIS LOVE WITH YOU in my life.”
parallels, power reversals, and patterns of intimacy (never let me go, ep. 6)
as many others have noted, in episode 6, we get to see palm shine in full - he's radiant and warm, playful and bold. the separation from their regular circumstances and nueng's complete reliance on palm after the attack on his mother facilitate two related shifts: 1) an elevation of the power palm has in his relationship with nueng and 2) the freedom palm has to reciprocate and instigate flirtation. to illustrate this transition, the show provided (at least) 10 references and parallels to events in previous episodes, but with two crucial differences - now palm replaces nueng as the one in control, and romance replaces repression at every turn.
"you can call me whatever you want"
when they arrive at mam's hostel, palm asks nueng if he can drop the honorifics when speaking to him around his mother. nueng, who has been asking palm to speak to him informally from the beginning, tells him he can call him whatever he wants. sound familiar? this is exactly what palm tells nueng at the pool in episode 3. but in episode 3, this permission served to reinforce palm's subservience, whereas in episode 6, this permission puts palm and nueng on more equal footing.
2. "pengyou"
when talking to the foreign tourists, nueng casually refers to palm as his friend by using the mandarin word pengyou. this is a subtle callback to palm and nueng's argument in episode 2 over whether they could be friends or not. whereas it was forbidden to do so before, now they can call each other friends easily.
3. scolding as their preferred flirtation device
palm asks nueng if he can scold him in mandarin, a callback to when nueng threatened to scold him while working on their chinese project in episode 4. in episode 4, when they were still trapped in the confines of nueng's home (and with it, their rigid status difference), palm couldn't be receptive to nueng's flirtation. now, he actively invites it.
4. nueng telling palm to eat with him
in episode 2, nueng asks palm to eat breakfast with him, but palm is uncomfortable because the servants are usually not permitted to do so. irritated, nueng threatens to feed him and holds out a whole croissant menacingly; palm declines, saying he can eat it himself. in contrast, in episode 6, nueng holds out a spoonful of khua kling for palm to eat, and he gladly accepts.
5. homoerotic touching of swollen lips
in episode 6, palm says nueng's lips are burning and swollen after eating spicy food and proceeds to bring his fingers to the corner of his mouth, just as nueng touched palm's lips while applying ointment to his bruise after the fight with phum in episode 3. the difference is that in episode 6, we have palm initiating contact instead of nueng.
6. what can i give you?
when nueng isn't impressed by the first location palm takes him to, palm says taking nueng to beautiful places is the only thing he can give to him, for he has no money. this is reminiscent of the language he used when begging nueng not to tell his dad about his secret use of the pool in episode 1. in episode 1, the interaction reinforces palm's subservience; in episode 6, the interaction carries a romantic sentiment.
7. teasing through formal address
when nueng goes to palm's room in episode 4, he flirtatiously teases palm by calling him "mr. pannakorn," a play on how palm addresses him as "mr. nueng." in episode 6, palm has the confidence to employ the same method of flirtation. he calls nueng by his full name, adding the honorific of "the great," and adds on "young master" at the end for good measure. the fact that palm can play with nueng's formal titles like this demonstrates just how much their status difference is minimized at the beach.
8. be careful with the gun!
while at the beach, nueng pulls out the gun in palm's bag and playfully points it toward the sea. palm forces him to lower the gun, warning him that handling it is dangerous. this is a callback to their interaction at the swimming pool in episode 1, when palm knocked the gun out of nueng's hands because he feared nueng would injure himself. while the basics of the scenes are the same, the tones are completely different: in episode one, the scene was tense and palm was cowering; in episode 6, the tone is playful and palm smiles while telling nueng to let the guns be "his job."
9. "aren't you going to join me?"
at the end of episode 6, palm and nueng swim together at the beach. this contrasts with the scene in episode 2 where nueng rejects palm's offer to swim with him and asks to simply watch him instead. in episode 2, nueng stands higher (symbolic of his power) and palm is uncomfortable. in episode 6, nueng is looking up at palm from below as he asks him to swim, and nueng agrees. this is yet another demonstration of them now being on more equal footing.
10. i won't take my eyes off you
when nueng is initially reluctant to swim in the ocean because he isn't a good swimmer, palm tells him not to worry because he won't let him out of his sight. this is a variation on what palm said when nueng accused him of only paying attention to maggie during their first visit to the dance studio. in episode 2, palm's response was defensive and more easily interpreted as in line with his bodyguard role. in episode 6, the promise is weighted with more romantic intention.
phew! that's a lot of parallels. some are more obvious than others, but all of them serve the same purpose: communicating to viewers that (at least at the beach) palm and nueng have become equals in each other's eyes and are entering a stage where a romantic relationship is not so far out of reach. furthermore, the repetition of these beats helps establish patterns of intimacy that viewers consciously or unconsciously pick up on, helping us visualize palm and nueng as a couple in anticipation of their forthcoming confessions.
"the first kiss in your new memory" - scene analysis (never let me go, ep. 5)
when they arrive at the rooftop, nueng is reeling from ben's betrayal of his trust, and palm's subservient status is still fresh in his mind. given that nueng has just been hurt by opening up to someone and that chanon has just reminded palm he is just a "running dog" for nuengdiao's family, it's startling that palm has the confidence to offer to kiss nueng, and that nueng trusts him enough to let him. a few key moments during the conversation leading up to the kiss are critical to convincing each of them to take the risk.
first, nuengdiao takes accountability for the harsh words he said to palm at the party in episode 4. whereas earlier, nueng got defensive ("i was drunk then, don't take it personally") or used his wealth as a means to apologize (buying new basketball shoes for palm), here, he apologizes directly and verbally for his behavior. instead of "apologizing" in a way that might make himself feel better, he acknowledges that palm should be mad at him and says he is sorry without qualifications.
this heartfelt apology is necessary to repair the damage done to their relationship as a result of their altercation at the party, in part because even as palm maintains nueng has a "right" to tell people he is his servant, nueng's insistent apology makes it clear than nueng regrets it and doesn't truthfully see palm that way. with this point of tension broken, the two are put on more equal footing again.
second, nueng makes it clear that ben initiated the kiss, not him. in my analysis of their conversation by the pond in episode 4 (read here), i noted the importance of palm saying, "i saw you kissing ben" rather than "i saw ben kissing you." one reason palm was so devastated was that he believed nuengdiao had actively pursued a kiss with ben, rather than more passively accepting ben's advances.
third, palm reaffirms nuengdiao's faith in his intuition. burned after deciding to trust ben, nueng doubts his ability "to read people," calling himself "stupid" for trusting ben. palm challenges nueng's doubt by reminding him of how he identified phum as his bully and reframing his willingness to open up to people as a strength - kindness - rather than a weakness, as nueng's mother sees it. with his faith in his ability to read people bolstered, nueng is encouraged to follow his gut instinct (that he can trust palm) and allow him to kiss him, despite getting hurt for allowing ben to do the same.
fourth, nueng tells palm he doesn't love ben. when palm assumes nueng trusted ben because he loved him, nueng quickly disabuses him of the notion. he admonishes palm, telling him to "stop thinking you know how i feel," and explicitly declares that he didn't love ben. this clarification provides palm with an opening by showing him 1) that nueng doesn't harbor strong feelings for ben and 2) suggesting that palm has, up to this point, been ignorant of who nueng really likes (read: him).
fifth, palm steadies nueng once more when he starts down another self-destructive spiral. just as he held nueng when he first found him on the rooftop, anchoring him as he fought back and yelled in frustration, palm reaches out and stops nueng from hurting himself when he starts wiping furiously at his mouth, desperate to forget the sensation of ben's kiss. palm is once again demonstrating that he will always protect nueng - even from his internal demons. this provides nueng with further confidence that he is safe with palm.
now, let's talk about palm's decision to offer to kiss nuengdiao, to replace the tarnished memory of his first kiss with another, more tender, memory. when nueng admits how terrible he feels that his first kiss will now always be a bitter memory for him, you can see the gears start turning in palm's head. he's thinking, what can i do to make him feel better? what can i do to help him? despite palm's feelings for nueng, when he offers to kiss him, it is for nueng's benefit, not his own.
this is nothing new for palm. he desperately wants to take away all the things that cause nuengdiao pain, and he will offer up his own body and safety to do so (e.g., fighting phum to protect nueng and retrieve his necklace, ripping off his cast so that he could get to nueng before he hurt himself on the rooftop). rather than taking advantage of nuengdiao's vulnerability in order to kiss him, he is sublimating his own desires in nueng's service.
now let's talk about nueng's response to palm's offer. he swallows, then, never breaking eye contact with palm, nods firmly. there is no sarcasm or sneer, like the easygoing, arrogant front nueng put up with ben. instead, he is wordlessly honest, all his masks abandoned. the way he looks up at palm in this scene reminds me of how he gazed into his eyes while putting palm's fingers to his throat in the "pengyou" scene. the message is the same: "i am trusting you. please be gentle with me." his life, his heart, is at the command of palm's touch.
it's really important that it is palm, not nueng, who initiates the kiss. we could have easily had a scenario where nueng orders palm to kiss him, demanding it, just as he commanded palm to dance at the party. instead, palm is in control of the situation yet actively offering himself up to nueng as a source of comfort. while he is arguably still positioning himself as subservient, he does so unprompted. it is his choice to make.
although palm is tentative as he leans in, as soon as his lips touch nueng's, he is assured, leaning into nueng with earnestness. the kiss is both forceful and soft. there is an undercurrent of desperation to it, but it's palm's desperation to show nueng that he is loved, not his desperation to have nueng for himself. the fact that it is palm himself who desires nueng is almost irrelevant; all palm cares about is that nueng feels desired by someone. he wants to give his warmth to nueng, regardless of what nueng will give back to him.
it's a quite selfless act, and one that feels appropriate for palm's character. in previous posts, i've discussed how palm is a principled protector (committing acts of violence only when necessary to protect those he loves). here, i want to argue that he is also a principled lover, in that he commits acts of intimacy not to satisfy his own physical desires but rather to fulfill the emotional needs of his partner. the embodied, physical expression of his love also feels appropriate, given the societal pressures that prevent him from expressing his feelings aloud and the way in which he is constructed as the "body" to nueng's "mind."
when they finally pull away from each other, nueng is a little breathless, surprised by the intensity of the kiss (and likely, how different it felt compared to kissing ben). but palm, unshaken, looks into his eyes steadily, as if asking, "do you understand? do you feel loved now? do you feel safe?"
in answer to palm's tacit question, nueng leans his head softly on palm's shoulder, illustrating the deep sense of trust he has in palm. palm, in turn, wraps a protective arm around nueng, pulling him in closer. there's something deeply but quietly romantic about the moment - the two of them looking out at the city at night, content in each other's arms. finally, after all the waves of violence and pain, they have found peace in one another.
they don't even need to speak. they have communicated all that they needed to through their kiss - that palm wants nothing more than to give nueng his love, and that nueng trusts palm enough that he is willing to receive it.
parallels by the pond - scene analysis (never let me go, ep. 3)
at the conclusion of episode 3, palm and nuengdiao share an intimate moment by the pond in nueng's yard, paralleling the one that occurred at the beginning of episode 2 (see my analysis of the "pengyou" scene here). the parallel setting and scenario highlights both continuities in how palm and nueng support one another while noticeable differences in the interaction emphasize the evolving nature of their relationship as they grow closer.
like the "pengyou" scene in episode 2, this scene opens with palm sitting alone by the pond while feeling vulnerable. in episode 2, it was because he was practicing chinese vocabulary, which he is unfamiliar with. in episode 3, it is because he is treating his bruises from his fight with phum. seeking water when feeling uncomfortable is a pattern for palm; he first exhibits this tendency when he secretly uses the pool in epsiode 1.
each time nuengdiao finds him by the water, he offers help to palm. however, there are critical differences. in episode 2, he gives it without asking by correcting palm's pronunciation is a slightly haughty manner. in episode 3, he asks palm if he wants help first, and is tone is caring rather than condescending. similarly, although palm looks caught off guard in both instances, he addresses nuengdiao as "mr. nueng" in episode 3, whereas in episode 2 he used the formal address of "young master." these small changes mark how the two have successfully transitioned from master/servant to friends (at least in each other's eyes).
next, we have nuengdiao initiating physical contact again. in episode 2, nuengdiao brought palm's fingers to his throat, but in episode 3, he brings his own fingers to palm's face instead. he is showing that palm can be vulnerable with him, just as he can be with palm. there's also an unmistakably sexual undercurrent to the act, with nuengdiao's fingers grazing the edge of palm's lips first and moving to his cheek second. registering this, palm tries to back away and, conscious of how their bodyguard/boss relationship conflicts with this emotional intimacy, asks if nuengdiao is scared of him because of how badly he hurt phum.
however, nuengdiao does not let palm reinforce their status difference. he reassures palm that he is not afraid of palm and, furthermore, he does not see palm as a weapon. he chastises palm for lunging into a fight without thinking of his own safety, just as he did in episode 2 when palm stood up for the elderly food vendor. instead of seeing palm simply as "the muscle" (like tanya) or as a mere servant (like chanon), nuengdiao routinely prioritizes palm's personhood and safety over everything else.
palm pushes back on this, arguing that, as his bodyguard, the only person he needs to worry about is nuengdiao. but again, nuengdiao holds firm and strives to renegotiate the terms of their relationship. in episode 2, nuengdiao asked palm to be his friend rather than servant. similarly, in episode 3, he asks for palm to treat him like an equal rather than a bodyguard's charge. he tells palm to let him get hurt sometimes (a violation of his duty as a bodyguard) so he can learn important lessons in preparation for taking over his father's business empire. palm agrees to this compromise, just as nuengdiao agreed to palm's wish to call him "mr. nueng" in episode 2. they are both active participants in the renogatiation of their relationship status.
the transfer of nuengdiao's necklace from palm to nuengdiao is symbolic of this agreement to act as equals. the necklace is usually a reminder of their difference in status. but when nuengdiao asks palm to put the necklace on for him and palm agrees, their status difference is bridged. nuengdiao needs palm's help to grow into his powerful future status, but he needs him as a partner, not as a servant. nuengdiao has invited palm to touch his neck again, but this time it is a slightly timid request rather than an impulsive motion, in part because they are both increasingly conscious of the sexual tension between them. palm must consent to nuengdiao's invitation, and he does.
in my analysis of the "pengyou" scene in episode 2, i noted that even when palm's fingers are on nuengdiao's neck (a very intimate position) you can see reminders of their status difference encroaching on the periphery of the shot: nuengdiao's necklace (symbolizing his wealth and pre-determined future) and palm's woven bracelet (symbolizing his humble origins and the flexibility of his future). given this, it seems important that we don't see both accessories at the same time during the entire sequence of palm putting the necklace on nuengdiao. and when nuengdiao turns to look back at palm, we don't see either the necklace or the bracelet. in the safety of the space they've created by the water, these markers of status do not matter.
when nuengdiao turns back to look at palm, his eyes are just as open and vulnerable as they were when he looked up at palm in episode 2, telling him to "remember this feeling." are they remembering that moment now, as they're sitting side by side as equals? nuengdiao's eyes are also full of a new kind of yearning here - a lustful one. the transparency of nuengdiao's desire startles palm, forcing him to drop his eyes.
hyperaware of how off-limits nuengdiao is to him as a romantic partner, palm attempts to put distance between them (in a physical and metaphorical sense) by saying he should go back to his room. this is the same tactic he used when things got a little too flirty by the pool in episode 2. the room, which he shares with chanon, is a literal manifestation of their master/servant dynamic, which is why nuengdiao wants palm to sleep in his own room in episode 4.
nuengdiao, as the one operating from a position of privilege that enables him to do so, is nearly always the one who pushes for greater levels of intimacy between palm and him. (a rare moment of palm taking the initiative is the scene at the shooting range, which i discuss here.) just as in the episode 2 pool scene, nuengdiao asks palm to stay with him. but in episode 2, he makes more of an objectifying command ("i want to watch you"), whereas in episode 3, he asks for emotional intimacy ("i want to talk to someone). after a slight pause, palm agrees.
now they are able to talk as equals (at least for the moment), enabling them to get to know each other beyond their established roles. all the while, they carefully maneuver around the desire bubbling up between them - which, of course, will eventually become unavoidable.
scene analysis - "pengyou" (never let me go, ep. 2)
i have been metaphorically living in this scene all week so i thought it was about time to write down some of my thoughts about it. this scene is absolutely foundational for palm and nuengdiao's relationship and gives us a lot of insight into their conflicting ideological standpoints. most importantly, it is the first time we see the power dynamic between them subverted, a trend we should watch out for as the two become closer.
the scene opens with palm struggling to pronounce his chinese vocabulary. he is tucked away in a somewhat private corner of the house grounds. this is a rare instance of incompetence from palm, who has many skills, and he likely doesn't want anyone to see him practicing. when nuengdiao finds him, he is at first startled and then resigned, addressing him as "young master."
nuengdiao corrects his pronunciation and comes to stand before palm. here, nuengdiao occupies the dominant position of "teacher," but the following scene, when nuengdiao brings palm's fingers to his throat, instantly breaks this power dynamic. nuengdiao is permitting palm to touch a very vulnerable part of his body, to feel his pulse as well as the vibrations of his vocal chords. the blocking of the scene, with palm crouched on higher ground looking down at nuengdiao, underscores the vulnerability nuengdiao willingly presents here.
palm's reaction to this earnestness and physical contact is interesting. he is clearly surprised and flustered, but he also holds nuengdiao's gaze. when nuengdiao tells him to "remember this feeling," palm seems to be thinking about the feeling of holding nuengdiao's life in his hands and upholding his duty to protect him. i think this is where the reality of this enormous task sets in for palm.
of course, reminders of their respective statuses are inescapable, even when nuengdiao attempts to put them on more equal footing. in the close up shot of palm's fingers on nuengdiao's neck, we can see nuengdiao's "only one" necklace (a reminder of his wealth and pre-determined future) and palm's woven bracelet (a reminder of his humble origins).
at first, nuengdiao relies on the two tactics he knows best - manipulation and command - in attempt to get palm to call him by his name. he tries to trick palm into saying his name instead of the similar-ending "pengyou," and when that doesn't work, he orders palm not to call him "young master." of note here is that these strategies, which work on everybody else in nuengdiao's life, do not work on palm.
while nuengdiao has the privilege of choosing to ignore their status difference, palm does not. nuengdiao argues (somewhat idealistically) that friends are not about time, place, or status. but this cannot be true for palm, who reminds him that he is a servant at nuengdiao's home. He also explains that his father will punish him if he does not observe traditional formalities around nuengdiao.
in contrast to their first conversation by the pool at night in episode 1, when nuengdiao insisted palm call him nuengdiao despite palm's protests, here, nuengdiao is willing to compromise. again, their physical positions reflect who has the upperhand in the argument. even though nuengdiao technically has more power than palm, in this instance, it is nuengdiao who is begging for something from palm, not the other way around. accordingly, palm sits higher than nuengdiao and is able to look down at him as they argue.
it's really important that nuengdiao relents here. it shows that he understands where palm is coming from and is willing to give him a degree of agency in defining their relationship. the compromise of "mr. nueng" allows them to begin building a true friendship without overtly violating the social expectations that keep them apart. furthermore, this scene sets up an important landmark in their future relationship development: when palm finally calls nuengdiao by his full name, without any honorifics - as an equal, a partner, a friend, and a lover.
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