unfinished

because I'm not done yet and if you're reading this, neither are you, and that's hope

[ash-for-humanity]

Language I like: "haber", em dash —, quotation marks, lowercase, "avergonzado," "el espíritu," "atsui," "yasashikute," “konchem ishtam, konchem kashtam,” “atatakai,” “yours” at the end of letters.

[ash-for-humanity]

proof of improvement, strength

so I went back and read through all my old posts today and was tempted to change things because there were things I didn’t agree with anymore or things that didn’t upset me anymore but I stopped myself because

this is me, raw and uncensored

shouldn’t I be allowed to exist that way?

and more than that, because

this shows my growth.  I go back, I read, I reconnect with old struggles and when I don’t find myself facing those same problems today, it means I’ve grown, I’ve evolved, I’M BETTER THAN HOW I WAS BEFORE. In the way I think, I write, what I deem is important, all of that.

Remember growth is important and therefore, I won’t change a thing.

I am stronger than I think and weaker than I think and both of those things, I must remember.

[ash-for-humanity]

flaw appraisal, first snow

I’m thinking about my insides right now, how dark or white I make them seem to myself, how they really are, and whether there’s anything there besides guts and things I’d rather not dissect.

/takes a deep breath

It is snowing outside, the very first snow of the season.  I’m satisfied.  Usually, it comes early and we all think, “BUT IT’S AUGUST” or “BUT IT’S SEPTEMBER” or “BUT IT’S OCTOBER” but this year, it came at the right time, the time we’d expect, the time that gives us a big enough slice of fall that I feel good when it comes, like I am welcoming an old friend that I have not seen in a while and I am glad. November 21st.  Around a month before Christmas.  PERFECT.  Thank you, God, for the poetry in it.

My insides...

I woke up and when I saw the beautiful scene, saw it actively snowing, thought utsukushii, I moved the plants next to the window and made space for myself.  I still haven’t forgot that lesson I learned.  #spacemaker, amirite?

My insides are what tell me these things.  Does it seem whimsical?  That I would roll out of bed and act on the first thing I see?  Follow my feelings to a tee?  Seriously channel the magic and FOLLOW MY HEART?  To me, that’s complete freedom.  I mean, I’ve been thinking about meditating anyway because of what happened yesterday (cried two times and was near tears a third time, all in the span of one day) and how this past week, my emotions have been everywhere - great and then, lower than low.  I rather love my insides though.  The way of thinking, unhesitant (Spell Check tells me that’s not a word -- what does Spell Check know?), unquestioning, pure, intense, fireworking, that I have developed over the past seventeen years...

I love it.

I love me.

I love how I am.

I love the way I exist.

When it is not snowing, I forget, though.  That is, all the things I love about myself.

I feel like a lot of people do.  What can we do to remind ourselves of the things that matter?  The things we love, the lessons we have learned over and over?  That we are creating problems for ourselves by worrying too much and putting ourselves down or thinking too hard about something small or drawing things to be disappointed about from the warm summer air forgetting that it is summer or, that there is no sense picking ifs and buts from the future because the future has not been decided yet.

If I cry a lot, Mom says it’s bad for my sinuses, that it’ll freeze everything up in the future, that it’ll hurt me.  I don’t want to go through that.  I have to cry less.  Not all the reasons I cry for are good reasons to cry, which frustrates me because my tears are valuable.  That’s what I choose to believe.  In order to cry less, I have to remember that MUSIC MAKES ME HAPPY and which music makes me happy and that GOD IS WITH ME and when I am sad, I must talk to Him and remember I am not alone.  I have to remember that I love myself, that there are people who love me, I have to remember my family, I have to remember THE REST of my friends, that I love adventure, that even if I don’t know of the future, IT WILL BE OKAY, NOT EVERYTHING HAS TO BE IN MY CONTROL, that THIS IS WHAT MAKES LIFE FUN, that there is no sense in worrying of the future, that there is no sense worrying about that which you cannot control, that I should leave all that to God, that people cannot read my mind, that sometimes, I need to tell people I need a hug when I need it.  That I have been raised right.  That if I am thoughtful and someone else isn’t in the way I want, that is NO reason to cry.

I have to remember what I am thankful for, all the things I have to be thankful for, I have to remember the snow, what is right, what is good, I have to remember that which makes me smile.

So, what is my next frontier?  The flaw I must overcome before 2016?

I have to learn how to drive in the snow.

~ Thanks for existing,

Ash

[ash-for-humanity]

happiness isn’t as hard to catch as sadness ends up making you think

tfw you finally figure out that the reason your music player wasn’t working was because you were being lazy

but I’m REALLY happy - I was sad before - now that I have it working. it’s not the reason I was sad but... I came online thinking, “I NEED TO WRITE I’M BREAKING DOWN” and as I was manually editing the playlist, I calmed down and the music lifted my spirit and I’m really happy now.  I’M READY TO ROCK MY MATH TEST TOMORROW, that’s what’s up!

Also, I found a message my friend sent me a while ago and it made me happy, reminded me I wasn’t alone.

I love music.  I love my friends.  I am not alone.

[ash-for-humanity]

there is some sufficient freak-outage going on right now in Ash land and I cannot deny it

back to the blog

why am I feeling stressed and like there’s too much going on right now?

1) College essays - last rough draft left for supplemental question #3 for this one college, then I have to work on UChicago’s

2) Physics test tomorrow - I have done no studying as of yet

3) Physics lab also due tomorrow - I have not done the actual write-up

4) Math internal assessment rewrite with some advanced-ish mathematics added in - gotta do it and print out a final for Wed

5) history video to watch

6) my room is messy

7) my calendar isn’t up to date

8) I haven’t finished my cosplay yet

9) convention’s coming up and I don’t have a crew to go conning with

10, 11, 12) other things I’m probably forgetting

I just have to remind myself now that I’ve been through worse. I’ve crammed for more in the past.  I’ve done more work in less time.  If I made it through that, I can make it through this.  Everything will be okay.

[ash-for-humanity]

time to start this thing again

Not stressed yet. Have I told you this was meant to be a stress-relief blog?  Well, it is.  School year’s back and kicking.  Math internal assessment, extended essay, college apps, and scholarship forms.  I can do this.

I got this.

[ash-for-humanity]

finals week

everyone is studying and we are stressed about the same things, but we’re so close that we’re able to almost… let it go?

which is cool. I don’t feel that tension in the air any more.

[ash-for-humanity]

hA and then MATH COMES. 

this is okay this is okay. onemoreday. onemoreday. ONE MORE DAY.

[ash-for-humanity]

finals week

everyone is studying and we are stressed about the same things, but we’re so close that we’re able to almost... let it go?

which is cool. I don’t feel that tension in the air any more.

[ash-for-humanity]

the most incredible thing

So the most incredible thing happened to me today; I just came back from school and I absolutely want to write it down.

But first, a little bit of context.

The past few weeks, I have been totally one-track minded and focused on efficiency and getting things done and just making it through the day and barrelling through people.  It almost became a perpetual apathy, I didn’t care about anything or anyone, and I felt tired no matter how much sleep I got, not energetic, not myself.  I started this negative train of thought towards people around me that just kept going and going and even if I stopped it once, it’d appear again.  If you know me at all, you’d know that I love people, I love human beings, I love being around others, I love meeting people, I’m always smiling.  Ashu and Satya sometimes called me over and asked, “Is something wrong?”

I always answered, “No,” because I didn’t realize that something was wrong for a specific reason - I thought I was just tired.

The past week, I became disgusted with myself because I had to think about smiling before I smiled.  That was...weird.  Not me.  I had to think about saying “thank you” or “sorry” or “please” or “God bless you” before saying it.  That’s not me, but because I couldn’t figure out a reason why, I thought, “Am I really so weak as to let my tiredness get to me to this extent?”  I didn’t know what to do and I didn’t try to do anything because I didn’t know what was wrong, and sometimes, I didn’t even know anything was wrong.

And then, Tuesday happened.  The most incredible thing.

So I do the pledge on announcements, I’m talking to James, he’s talking to me, we’re friends, and this probably started the whole thing because for some reason that day, I had a super-negative outlook and earlier, I’d said something and he hadn’t been super-responsive so up until that point, I’d thought that maybe I’d done something wrong - I was very self-centered during that day, didn’t think about people’s other reasons like “James was in the play last night he’s probably tired” but anyway, when he spoke to me, I was relieved.  That was the first thing - then, it jump-started what I did next, which was join my friends in their after school sitting-on-the-floor club.

Now, more context.  For the past few weeks, on top of me feeling strange for some reason, some of my friends were also feeling incredibly down, people were being mean to each other, losing their tempers, feeling sad and lonely, ignoring each other, and I was somewhere in the middle of all this, apart of it, but not?  Everyone had really angry, dark auras and I found that I had fewer and fewer people to talk to because it felt like everyone was that way.  That sort of sentiment existed within me.  A friend wasn’t talking to me, another friend just seemed so upset or angry or irritable that I couldn’t bring myself to talk to him, and a friend that’s usually the happy, tolerating one was bitter, sad, and what upset me was that normally, none of those were that way.  For some reason, they’d been that way, with the tension rising, for the past couple weeks, and I’d been avoiding talking to some of them because their auras discouraged me, the feeling that they gave off discouraged me.

But for the first time in weeks, I sat down with them.

I existed beside them. 

Quietly, or loudly, eating my sandwich, I talked to them.  I called the friend that I thought was ignoring me out and we got that settled and now we’re friends again, I think?  I talked to the other friend and he said he was fine and he was himself for the few minutes I talked to him.  And finally, the one thing that started me off on this ridiculous, wonderful, incredible thing was I waved to someone that I had never spoken to before and they waved back and that was when it hit me, it hit me, y’know?  I am surrounded by kind people.  His smile was one of the most beautiful things for me to see, in the middle of that disgusting apathy.  It reminded me of why I love human beings in the first place, because of all their sides - even if those sides are flaws - and their laughs and smiles and bringing them back up when they’ve fallen.  It reminded me of everything that I felt.  That I had to feel, because I loved.  It hit me.  I have many friends.  Even though some of my friends might be tense or in pain right now, I’ve met enough human beings to know that in the end, it will be alright.  Hope flooded back, feelings flooded back.  This person, this person’s smile, the fact that they waved even if they don’t really know me.  And then, people kept coming down that hallway after Golam and all of them made me feel even more incredible things and all this thankfulness and immense appreciation for these individuals that I get to exist beside of, wow.  Like Mursaleen comes over and I’m waving frantically, but I’m not waving him over, but he comes over anyway like I’m gonna talk to him about some student council business or something serious and oh my goodness, that’s hilarious and amazing and he’s got this small smile he gives me and I love it.  And then, I see my locker buddy Alexandra and the girl with the pretty name Evelyn and Toma and I wave to them and they wave back and I think, “Oh my God, I’m so thankful to be surrounded by all these kind people.”  And it’s just waving and smiling, that’s all they did, but suddenly, as I’m telling my circle of friends this story that day, “Oh I waved to Golam and he waved back even if he doesn’t know me” I started crying because I was so happy.  

I guess even if I didn’t recognize it, because everyone else seemed to be in their own bubble with their own worries, I was lonely.  And those people reminded me that I’m not alone and I’m surrounded by friends and cute people I can talk to.

And for the first time in three weeks, I laughed out loud and I couldn’t stop laughing and I was crying at the same time, I cried for the full thirty minutes until Full Orchestra started and in the middle, I’d stop crying and then I’d wave to another person and they’d wave back and they’d smile at me as if they’re amused and just - knowing that I get to exist with other people - it sounds basic, but it made me start crying from  happiness all over again.

It was all three weeks of enthusiasm, happiness, and laughter and it was all coming out at once and Kelly and Shahin know this because they were walking with me all five times that I went around the building.  Or maybe it was more, but they were with me and every time I started crying after someone waved back, like Taleed who asked for what time it was or something, Kelly was like, “Oh my goodness, Ash, no one hates you.  Everyone’s not walking around with a Reject-Ash button!”  And no, that’s not it, I’m not sad and I wasn’t waiting to be rejected, but I guess I was, a little, and no one did.  No one rejected me.  Everyone accepted me and they were kind and that made me happy.

I finally sneezed away my feelings to a less extreme amount right before Full Orchestra when I had to play my French horn BUT I cried and cried and cried from happiness all that time.  I felt like a dam had opened up and all these facial expressions that I’d unknowingly held back these weeks were all coming out at once and it was wonderful.  

All of this, from people waving.

All of this, from people being kind, even if it is shown in a small way.  You think that the small things don’t matter, but they do.  Oh, and Golam, this was the weird thing that I told you I told Giulia.  This story of how I said hi to you and I started crying.  It’s much bigger than that, but at the same time, it’s that simple.  I’m so thankful that I can feel again, that I can smile at strangers, laugh with abandon.

I’ve never felt so happy as when I was walking through these halls thinking that I was surrounded by love and acceptance.  I know that some of you are going through tough times right now, but I promise, it gets better.  You’re going to be better.  And the only reason I can say that is because I’m better, else I wouldn’t be able to encourage anyone.

Thank you, to all those who waved.

You saved me.

~ Ash for Humanity

[ash-for-humanity]

many good things

many things good have happened to me this year/month like:

- I’m one of the school’s new announcers (which is fun and also helps me to boost my confidence)

- I won a thing.  Not too big, but not too small either.

- I also won a poetry contest (2nd place) and I’m getting published in the magazine.

- I stabbed my ear with a q-tip and for two and a half days, hearing was super-muffled in my left ear, but then I went to the doctor’s and it was fixed!  I’m so grateful for both my ears right now. /touches gently

- I’m the teen intern at my local library, which I already knew but I guess I’ll say it again.

- the trip to the art museum went well

- I reconnected with my religion.

- I fixed my laptop and I have around 99 gigs of free space as well as anti-virus now. Thank God, Oliver.

- my anime club board is finally set.  I have four great individuals that I know I can mold into the perfect heirs to my anime club.

- consequently, I also fixed my life and realized what had been wrong with me, that hadn’t been allowing me to watch the anime I wanted and read the books I wanted and do the things that I wanted to do.

The Answer: I’d forgotten to make space for myself.  I’d forgotten that I was a space-maker. The yoga instructor whose videos I watch reminded me of that - yay for Tara Stiles.  Linger where it feels good to linger, she says.  Absolutely.  It had been my mantra and somewhere along the line, with all the classes and stuff going on, I’d forgotten to do what I’d wanted to do.  I’d forgotten the MM muse.  I’d forgotten my influences, I’d forgotten myself.

And now, I remember and I’m even better than before.

There are so many things good that have happened to me this year/month and all throughout my life as well - I can’t possibly remember them all and I know I’ve forgotten something vital already, but I’m very, very thankful.

Now, onto things I want to do, my goals:

- I’d like to better balance myself - because right now, I’m sacrificing exercise for homework and my own personality for efficiency and I hate that.  My motto is “efficiency and kindness” but I’d like to have something that encompasses everything I am/want to be/want to stay - “cheerful, thankful, inspirational, reflective, adaptable” as in cheerful because that’s who I am, thankful for all the wonderful human beings in my life, inspirational to all who know me, reflective 25/8 about all my decisions - think before I act and next time I act remember all the lessons, and able to adjust to whatever life throws at me.

- write a story completely in Spanish for my Spanish teacher to read and grammar-correct

- write letters to the teachers that would appreciate my thoughts

- finish physics internal assessment

- figure out and write my teacher rec and counselor rec stuff

- Write a smashing student council speech to get re-elected.

- Work hard to study for the ACT and raise my score to p e r f e c t.

~ Thank you for existing,

Ash

[ash-for-humanity]

Music and liberation.

Liberated (adj.)

Getting new headphones after an extended period of time without them.

[ash-for-humanity]

the best advice

sometimes, I look at my friends and I wonder, “Should I be doing what they’re doing and focusing all my energies on one thing instead of doing everything I want to?”

I’m good at Spanish, I love language, I dabble in Japanese, I love language - Catalan (t’estimo <3), Italian, French, accents, Turkish (o degil de, Ekim), I explore English, I write, perform poetry, 

adventure into the hull of the sounds, the heart of the music,

I play all sorts of instruments - bari sax, percussion, piano, flute, alto sax, French horn, and guitar.  I’m in my band because I love people and it was the first team I ever got to be apart of (I never got to play any sports when I was little, didn’t know any better), the connections I make, the people I meet, the stories I hear, when we’re all playing the same chord, on the same wavelength, and we sound amazing,

I read, I practically live at the library, but I also love going outside and exploring everywhere, the forest in the back, the nature path behind the park even after it has rained and everything is muddy and there are things in my way,

I live to explore.

But am I doing this - life - am I doing it wrong by trying to do everything I want?-- 

is what I thought, anyway

So I went to my physics teacher, who knows more than me because she has lived longer than me and who I love and respect because she appreciates humanity like I do and in her, I found a kindred spirit, and I’m honored to have met her, and she is my role model, and a beautiful human being, one of the most lively, ageless, dreamful people I have ever met, and her aura, what an aura she has.

It’s dazzling.

I went to her and I asked for her advice.

“I feel like I can do this, so should I?  I want to explore what someone who dedicates themselves to something with all their heart feels.”

And she told me a story, her story, exactly what I needed to hear,

I love stories.

“Sounds to me like you’re trying to force yourself into doing something that doesn’t make you go--” And she opens her arms as if she is opening herself up to the whole, entire world, petals to the sky.  She asks me, “If you were to focus on any one thing, what would it be?”

                                                                                 breathe

The first thought that comes to mind is spoken poetry, but I do not say it because the fear of giving up anything else is too jarring.

“See? That means you don’t love it enough!”

And that, for a second, causes me to panic, but then she explains her own love and how it has taken her till adulthood to find it, “there’s no rush, but it will come to you, and when it does, you will know.”

Relief.

So this is okay?

Yes.

“It’ll be like whoaaaaaaa!” Petals to the sky.

It is some of the best, most heart-calming advice I have ever received and her delivery was fantastic - she made sure to be politically correct “in my opinion, it’s better to be well-rounded and do lots of things” and “I appreciate your uncle’s trying to introduce you to a different perspective” - and calm calm calm it’s okay it’s okay it’s okay you’re on the right path you’re doing great.

I’m so happy.

I’m okay!  There’s nothing wrong with me, I’m not broken, I’m okay, and I’m going to be okay, and I’m doing this right.

Thanks for existing,

Ash

[ash-for-humanity]

Be fierce with your freedom.

Ash for Humanity

[ash-for-humanity]

it’s all in my head

My friend told me

“I can’t help but imagine all of my characters as Indian”

and she actually meant it and I’m here thinking “It’s me, always me, it was always only me that thought the worst of myself.”  I was my own cage, my own shackles, my own alcohol holding me back, my own dissonance not allowing myself to break free of the way I was thinking, it was always me.

Well, damn.

I’d better change, then.  /excited

My next frontier, I’ve found it.

[ash-for-humanity]

y’gotta wonder - when will it finally be okay to call an adult by their first name - I mean, will you ever go back and talk to your teachers like “Hey Jeff” because I can’t even imagine it

but even at work in the future, when there’re people older than you, when is old old enough to call “Mr./Mrs./Miss/Ms.” vs. old but not too old so you can just first-name it?

[ash-for-humanity]

back to therapy, impatience, and loneliness, that was not a list

I’ve been on the verge of tears ever since someone yelled at me because they were stressed they were going to be late to a meeting

(yelled at, yelled at ~echoes~)

but it’s not because of that incident

I miss my home and my grandparents and I don’t want my dad to go on his trip, I want him to stay home, and I want things to be closer than how they are but I don’t know how to get it that way and I want my milk but it’s downstairs I’m going to go to sleep without it and I feel really really really lonely 

I’m going to sleep it off.

The minute I hear a knock, I jump,

I don’t want anyone (I love) to see me crying because that would make them sad, so I rub the tears off my face, and my skin is screaming, “No, you’re not done!” but that’s it, I’m done, I can’t 

I can.

This is a-okay.

I just need to sneeze all my troubles away and I hope I’m not making any typos

I need more friends.

I’m lonely.

I have a friend, her name is Kathryn, and I love her very much, many of her friends are my friends as well, but I feel like she’s always surrounded by such dazzling people all the time 24/7 

she is a writer, but I never talk to her about my writing, I’m too self-conscious, these dazzling people, around her, flitting like moths to a light, they’re not like me (but they are (but they’re not))

I’m afraid so I don’t speak to her except for the stolen moments when we see each other and she smiles and I smile back and we’re both smiling super-wide, dorky, we’re best friends, but I’m so afraid I’m not good enough for her, or anyone, at all,

I’m going to go wash my face before my mom co

I went, I miss India.

except for the stolen moments when I rub her shoulder when I’m passing her in the hallway, reassuringly, like Miss Weatherhead and my golf teacher’s taught me, with love, as if “I am here” and I don’t know if she hears me (but I’m pretty sure she does)

Emerson said speak in hard words

So much easier said than done, Em.

Tomorrow, Shakespeare Abridged.  God, I love Shakespeare.  I would have liked to know him, one human being to another, what was your favorite word, wordsmith?  I would have liked to ask him.

Shining, teary, trembling eyes, quivering, knocking, awkward elbows, that’s me, Ash.

God, I love so many people.  I’m so glad for them, glad they exist, happy I’ve gotten to meet them, and I made a Twitter and followed one of my officially favorite authors and I sent Maggie that message “I’m glad you exist” because I felt like if I died without expressing my gratitude for her words, that set fire to my own muse, showed me 3rd person was the way to go, then I would have regretted it,

and I sent one of the characters I fell in love with a tweet about a spoken poem by a strong girl with a voice that made me smile, I would like to know this girl when I grow up, one human being to another “Would you speak some more for me?”

Oh, I’ve helped myself feel better, this actually is therapeutic, sorry I ever doubted you.

Thanks for existing,

Ash

[ash-for-humanity]

Be selfish with your humanity.

Ash for Humanity