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[ashesandashes]

I'm here again,

So many faces ready to catch my tears, and yet here I am again.

Alone and apathetic.

There is a fluttering in my chest that tells me to run.

To take everything I know and just go.

Leave and never come back.

Move far away, and leave these moments, memories, and this life I've created.

Let them tumble down just like the sands of time.

Life is slowly draining away.

Trauma on every corner.

Pasts that haunt my thoughts

Living beings I mourn

Myself, that I mourn.

One last selfish attempt at loving myself

One last dream I'll never act on.

The hourglass of time, I watch it slowly slip away.

Draining my hope and dreams.

Draining me.

Will I ever forgive myself?

Is there anything to forgive?

Or like Van Gough, will the price of living be unaffordable for me?

Will I eat the yellow paint too?

Will I end it all too?

When the worlds too much to bare, will I let myself take me?

That's always been my idea of escape.

Im ready for something to give.

Im ready to give

I'm watching the sands of time.

Afraid of it stopping

Afraid I'll be the reason

[ashesandashes]

The spark of life is fleeting when there is no passion.

The gray walls and cold floor create a emptiness that sits on your chest. It feels like weights tied around your lungs and rocks in your throat. The lack of lightness keeps you motionless, stuck with winding thoughts that are forgotten in a moment. The sparkless moment causes a stirring in your heart, like an animal clawing at life, clawing to be free. Yet the grey walls in our mind cry for color, any color, are silenced with the numbness of our souls. Wading through the waters of the what if, and regret we lose something precious. A sense of self and a dreams of glittery gold and magic. Weakness comes in like soft grey foam wrapping around you slowly giving a sense of safety. A sense of safety that lulls you away into numbness. Contentment for the dreams that fade and the glitter that soaks into the grey foam. Forgetting our dreams faster than the thoughts that echo off the walls of our minds. Until there is nothing but empty. Passionless living. Gray and empty.

[helperhoopoe]

remember to cry for help without guilt-tripping. i know it feels like you’ve been abandoned and betrayed, but it’s probably not true, and it’s not okay to accuse the people around you of something they might not have done.

“i guess none of you like me” could be better phrased as “i feel unloved right now”

“but nobody cares anyway” could be better phrased as “i feel insignificant and i need reassurance”

rather than assuming others’ feelings, give them time to explain them. you’ll usually get a much better answer.

[randomslasher]

This is really important for future predictions, too. “You’re eventually going to leave me” is impossible for someone else to disprove without just sticking around forever, but no one wants to stick around when they’re being constantly accused of future abandonment. Giving someone no choice but to either stay with you forever in order to prove you wrong or leave you and prove you right is incredibly emotionally manipulative, whether you mean it to be or not.

“I get scared sometimes because I’m afraid of being alone again” is easier to address and doesn’t leave your partner(s)/friend(s) feeling as though they’re being preemptively accused of something.  

[programaticallydelicious]

This is a neutral post

Feel free to stop here and rest before journeying to the posts below.

[spadedfox-deactivated20230116]

spreading these occasionally would be nice…

[justawriterinprogress-deactivat]

As someone with major anxiety who can’t fucking stop themself from scrolling, i appreciate posts like this

[ashesandashes]

Illnesses are something I’ve dealt with my entire life. Cancer is one I always feared. The fear of no control and losing all my resources to try and keep me alive. my biggest fear is death but it would be more selfish to extinguish my family resources if I were to be diagnosed with something severe like. I haven’t been diagnosed so it's not like its a for sure thing.. But even that possibility is enough to scare me into my thoughts. Cancer or not I’m about to be battling with the health care system again and that thought alone is enough to make the void come back. So I draw out my deepest fears so they no longer reside inside me. Just something I created and something I can destroy. Heres to the first step. I know that with the support and love from my friends and family I’ll be okay.

[oshade]

[ashesandashes]

I wished for a dystopian future when I had no control over my life.. now im gaining control and my wishes are coming true and I couldn't be more terrified.

[ashesandashes]

Flashes

It comes in flashes, not waves.

The white hot embers that fall on my stomach everytime I'm reminded of what I allowed.

PTSD visions take over my imagination. In flashes, I'm reminded of the pain I felt back then, through new possibilities that wont come into fruition.

My mind a warzone with facts just to keep myself grounded. A war with facts and emotions. To suppress the fears that my mind tries to force me to live through. Facts are real, emotions are irrational but god damn do they feel like law.

[ashesandashes]

Did I take on the fear you felt? Those days I was crying in the tub so scared of death at the age of 25? Was it because I knew deep down? Didn't you know it too? Bartering for my uncle's life with the question who deserves it more? The question in my head was why did I have to lose either? But the answer in our hearts was no parent wants to see their child die. Thats why you had to leave.. before you felt that pain too.

[ashesandashes]

Greyscale

When all the colors fail and we're left with grayscale, do I reside there too?

[ashesandashes]

My love doesn't seem to run as deep as my hate seems to be.

@ashesandashes

[ashesandashes]

Missles

Grayscale of color blurred past my face as tears started to stream from my eyes. Overcast, the clouds formed a barrier to the darkened colorless sky. "The missiles, they are going to release the missles.." "We have to find a basement!" Grabbing her pulling her towards a tall empty construction building "Help someone help us!" Is heard in the complete side of the school. Entering, Debris scattered around the floor in neat piles. Only shadows play here. Dark cold and corperate. Were standing still now an eerie silence thickening between us. Loud thundering from the outside, no bird chirpings, no drizzling of rain. A light humming gradually crescendoing towards the colorless barrier of clouds. "There isn't a basement." Slight grey light peeking through the top windows bouncing off the shadow covered wall. Dust particles dancing like glitter in the slight light. Our backs against a darkened wall in this concrete prison; A prison much like our own minds. Hope loudly faded with every breath that was exhausted. Both deadweight slump to the floor and just look into eachother trembling terrified eyes. A calmness washes over. Our eyes turn soft and you'd sware you could see the light blue and green hues. Acceptance, our eyes close.

[oshade]

“Like a plant i will intertwine myself in everything you are, slowly looping, and winding, bringing your parts together, in such a way you don’t notice. I will blossom depending on how you love me. I will grant you flowers the most beautiful you’ve ever seen, that only you can possess. I will bring you fruits only you can taste, i will love you until i am no more. I will flourish and help you grow into something wonderful, beautiful, and everlasting. Yet, if you cross me, or if you have decided you are through with me, and it’s time to cut me off without warning, if you’ve abuse my love, it’ll be too late for you, I’ve already consumed you. I’ve carefully and slowly rooted into your soul. I’ll lock you down deep in the depths of the earth, and you’ll never get rid of me. Everything you do, breathe, think, say, will be a reminder of who I was, and how much I loved you. My roots will be your memory of what was and could have been. You’ll slowly suffocate in the things you no longer possess, you’ll long for what had been lost. Then you’ll realize, Even the smallest of roots, have destroyed and wiped out the largest of forests.”

—

[oshade]

Love

Love is strange, Love is wonderful, It’s unexplained, And everything you could ever hope for.

I feel I’ve been in love twice But I question if I’ve ever actually been in love. I know the high, and the buzz, And I’ve even lost my mind, All because I was in love.

Heres the thing I question Was it actually love? Can someone be in love while the other is a lie? Can you honestly be in love when you’re the only one? It’s hard to know the truth because both times I’ve loved a terrible lie.

I’m honestly not quite sure how it feels to be loved back. But while the lies were fake, at a time they were wonderful. So I’ll say I miss being in love, And maybe one day I’ll know true love. Because every love is different and that’s one I haven’t experienced. But it’s the one most spend a life time trying to find.

[oshade]

I didn’t even curl that piece :)

[oshade]

Creation/Destruction

I can’t seem to choose Which side I belong to I’ll creat art I’ll spill my heart For everyone to see For everyone to judge

Ill write it all down I’ll draw all emotions, passions, and dreams All for you All for me.

And I’ll try And try.. And try… To believe when people say They love what I’ve made

And I’ll try And.. try And try some more To love these parts of my soul Thats now on show For you all to know

But

The more I look The more I see The more I need to throw it all away I have to throw it all away.. Rip everything to pieces..

It never existed Everything I see is a flaw E.v.e.r.y.t.h.i.n.g disgusts me now

Burn it. Burn it all. Destroy all the parts of me That I created All the parts I needed to draw All the parts that makes me vulnerable Out of my head Out of my heart

And into shreds Into flames Into dust

And only when I’m happy will I wish I kept it all.

[oshade]

No

I don’t want to be the girl who will always forgive you I don’t want to be the girl who always believes you Who will love you more than she loves herself The girl who will go to the ends of the earth for you

I don’t want to be that girl The one who will always love you and will always be there The one who will chase your dreams with you No I don’t want to let you get away with murder and look past every single flaw I don’t want to think your perfect and you never make a mistake

I don’t want to be the girl who will wait on you and drop everything for you I don’t want to be the girl Who will try to be perfect for you Who will feel like shes on morphine while kissing you

I don’t want to be the girl who loves you so much she forgets herself.. I’m tired of being that girl.