Ashley

23,F,RVA Satanist by day, diva by night IG/TT ASHLWILSN

[ashl-wilsl]

I miss u

[ashl-wilsl]

Imy

[ashl-wilsl]

Hi

Hiiiiii

[ashl-wilsl]

I want more tattoos plz help fund my tattoo addiction <3

[ashl-wilsl]

Hi

[ashl-wilsl]

Hi my loves what’s everyone up to

[ashl-wilsl]

Hi I missed y’all. Work has been crazy!!

[ashl-wilsl]

what's your favorite and least favorite thing about rva?

Fav is the ppl and the aesthetic. Least is hmmm the cost is insanely ridiculous

[thoughtkick]

“Fall for someone who makes you love yourself a bit more.”

— Unknown

[bestabs2015]

[perfectfeelings]

“Never give up on something that you can’t go a day without thinking about.”

— Winston Churchill

[pavlover-boy]

it is now socially acceptable to post christmas

[ashl-wilsl]

Journal again

TW: self harm, suicidal thoughts

In the night, I feel my best.

Like the whole world has stopped and it’s my time to be alone, not swayed by others, not left to my own thoughts regarding your behaviors. All I am left with to think and ponder is what you said to me or did the day before. However, it’s long past my memory by the time night falls. I feel calm and peace. In the day, I feel chaos, uncomfortable, energy, and overstimulation. In the night, those feelings have all melted. It’s peace, the closest to peace on earth I will ever find is in the night.

In the day, you’re awake, you’re texting me, talking to me, with me, you’re overtaking all of me. I can’t handle it but I can’t get enough. You are all I think of. You are all I want to love, you are what I want to love me. I hope you do one day. I hope that day is before my demise, but you make me feel like making my demise happen.

When you accidentally leave me on read, delivered, ignore the call, step back. I can’t handle rejection, it’s physical pain. It’s a burn from a cigarette. It hurts like fuck. While upon a clearer reflection later, you were busy, but on an immediate reflection, you hate me, I fucked up, I did something, you always hated me, you were just pretending, I mean nothing. I am nothing. So there for I push myself into a trench of self hatred and self destruction. You dictate my mood, my emotions and my experience. When you’re happy I’m happy, when you’re sad I’m sad and so on it goes. You are my favorite person. Therefore when I don’t feel I’m your favorite person I must destroy our relationship. To make you feel, you meant nothing to me just as you hurt me.

Written by me

[mellowcomet]

i work at a bookstore. my job lets me get away with way too much

[ashl-wilsl]

Journal: how im feeling now

Tw: suicidal thoughts, ED, and self hatred.

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I feel like I am a burden. My irresponsibility and immaturity has affected those around me. I don’t eat, I don’t sleep, I don’t really do anything. I don’t like the person I am becoming. I look at my old photos and don’t recognize myself. I look in the mirror and see myself as being so far disconnected from who I once was. Like I don’t know myself, my interests, my personality, where I fit in. I feel like I am just a different person for all those around me. Like only a few know me for me, well the me that is the most true to internal self me. I loved life, I loved my life at one point. I feel there is absolutely no hope for me and I don’t want to feel any of this anymore. I don’t want to feel anything anymore. I don’t want to be me anymore. I don’t want to be here anymore. I don’t want to look at myself again, I don’t want to be alive. But I won’t just commit to doing it. I cannot commit to anything or any real aspiration or goal. It’s just run for the fucking hills. I want to wake up n feel like I can do it. But I don’t, I haven’t in a long time. I haven’t felt happiness in a long time. It feels like it’s just day by day growing more and more and more depressed. I hope one day it stops. I just have lost hope that one day it’ll be better that I was sold a long time ago. As if my brain just cannot embrace life and joy. Like a chemical imbalance and a processing error causes me to stay miserable and unable to see the good in things. All I can write and portray is my own selfish emotions and thoughts. I can write out the way I feel and can make people feel the emotions I feel or felt when I wrote it. But that’s it. It’s sort of like I’m this dark mass in a room, I suck the life and fun out of it by the anger, depression and hopelessness I portray. I guess that’s why I have always felt the best working in hospitals with the sick. It’s like, I feel comfortable with the pain and sorrow that possesses the building. I’ve never felt comfortable with people who are okay just people in pain. I don’t feel like a burden to those who are miserable. I feel like a burden to those who are happy. My emotions are too strong and uncontrollable they dictate every action I make and every problem I create for myself. They overtake me and are hard to tame. Hard to identify and name.

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I wrote this out in August I believe. It’s still relevant for the most part. Enjoy.

[ashl-wilsl]

I cut v bangs today.

[thoughtkick]

“First love does not mean best love. And best friends may not mean best friends forever. But they both mean at some point, somewhere, someone did care. And their memories still there.”

— Crywank - Welcome To Castle Irwell