Thinking Out Loud

I have a huge imagination. I think a lot. This is just a dump of all of my conscious and subconscious thoughts, dreams, fantasies, inspirations and afrodiasiacs. Enjoy. Disclaimer: some of my entries are scattered in topic. Kind of all over the place. Just like our thoughts. Welcome to my closet.

[ashlynforsure]

Little girl, little girl.

Try not being able to walk for 3 days. Try being in excruciating pain with little to no help for almost 24 hours. You have no idea. How much life can humble you in a weeks time. I have a new appreciation for coming out. I have a new appreciation for the simple functions of the body like pooping and passing gas, urinating. WALKING. Breathing. Humans are so privileged and I don't think that we as a species realize how much privilege we possess. Well I am one of the species that do.

I realize why spring is my favorite season. I also realize why it's the season that's the most triggering for me. Spring represents newness for me. Change. A fresh start. Fun. Friends. Brooklyn Bridge. Gatherings. Late nights, long walks. It also reminds me of quality time spent with my exes.

to be continued.

[ashlynforsure]

I wonder if I get tired when I go to write because I really need to write. I just felt a surge of sleep flush through my body as soon as I set my hands to the keyboard. look at the devil. well. its 2023. and I'm pregnant. I'm pregnant and trying to go to the beyonce concert, safely. All of her tour dates in the US fall literally a week before and less than a full month after I give birth. All I've wanted to do besides go to six flags (which I did. thank you baby) is go see beyonce. I can go on a specific date but I'll be 36 weeks pregnant. Its isn't the safest thing for me to do, seeing that I'll have to fly, but I'm willing to see what precautions that I can take.

Is this concert a small thing in comparison to me preparing to bring a life into this world. Yes. And the adult in me knows that. But the person in me who just desires to do something exclusively FOR ME. says no. they are equally as important. my dad things I've lost my mind. He always thinks i'm losing my mind when I'm making decisions that he doesn't agree with. what else is new?

I'm not happy right now and I have to find solace. I have to find a healthy escape. Cant smoke. don't want a drink. Got nowhere to really go or the energy to go anywhere. Shopping would be nice if I had the money.

If I had the money, first I'd move out of my parents house. I'd find a showing at my favorite place on Street Easy and have the money on hand with me for the downpayment. BOOM. I need to move is ASAP. I'd literally pack all of my clothes up, well the clothes that I have left. all of them and throw them away. Yup. I'd purchase brand new clothes. shoes. underwear. coats. EVERYTHING IN MY CLOSET AND DRAWERS WOULD GO. And I'd fill my closet and drawers with new things. I'd buy all new furniture, all new everything, and move into my new apartment. with new clothes. I'd prepare stuff for my baby. Crib. Bassinet. EVERYTHING. there would be no need for a baby shower. because I'd literally shower myself. I'd pay off my debt. go back to school. wear cool clothes and nice dark shades and go incognito until a cool producer, or publisher or agent finds me and discovers my work and boom. I become a millionaire. just like that.

[slfcare]

things that don’t define who you are

⊹ your disability ⊹ your mistakes ⊹ your family ⊹ your appearance ⊹ your financial situation ⊹ your past

things that do define who you are

⊹ your actions ⊹ your aspirations ⊹ your characteristics ⊹ your morals and beliefs ⊹ your attitude ⊹ how you love and care

[anniespositivity]

You do not have to look beautiful while walking down the streets. You do not have to look beautiful while eating. You do not have to look beautiful while talking. You do not have to look beautiful while laughing. While doing sports. While having sex. While singing. While dancing. You were not born to look beautiful, my love. You are here to enjoy, to feel, to live. There is no point in worrying what you look like when you are doing things you actually enjoy because that joy will be taken away by the fear of not looking good enough. Again, it is not your purpose to look beautiful, darling. Your purpose is to fall in love with life, to laugh until your belly hurts, to express your feelings, to sing from the top of your lungs, to dance as silly as you want to - without worrying about your appearance. For all that matters is that your soul is beautiful and happy.

[bluejayqueen]

I’m at a stage in my life where I am constantly encouraging myself to accept me for who I am.

[ashlynforsure]

Nomore people pleasing in 2022. You only have one life to live. It's to live it and do what the fuck you want to do. You sit with yourself at the end of the day you understand? People will be ok. That is what I am learning. Sometimes you just gotta take a risk and ignore everyone else's rationale to live your life. Your choices are yours to claim. Period. No partner, no parent, no job should take precedence over your personal happiness and self-satisfaction. Life is too short for that shit. Deadass. I'm learning that the hard way, because even as I'm typing this, I'm going to please the people around me and stay home for NYE. I don't want to, but I am settling with the fact that it's COVID anyway, so fuck it. Sometimes you just gotta psyche yourself out in order for you not want to break shit up. My advice will always be to choose you, first and let niggas deal with their personal feelings.

[thcartierrug]

@thebrownspirit

[nightlyquotes]

“I love the way you light up when you talk about what you love.”

— Unknown

[ashlynforsure]

I think I wrote something about letting go before, but I'm actually walking in it now. And I think its coming from a different place. I dont think anyone really wants to let go of something or someone who they really love. I think life, and growth forces you into letting go and you have no choice.

[neatbook]

Devin Hentz photographed by Shanita Sims for the NEATBook. 

[potledom]

[lovesick-frog]

They say that you know it's more than a crush if they change their hair and you still think they're cute. You could change anything, and I'd still feel the same. I'm not even sure what it is that I like about you. I hate to admit, but you're not stunningly beautiful. You're just right. You don't have an outstanding personality. In fact, mostly you're just annoying. There are plenty of times when I question why I feel this blush rising to my cheeks when you come near me. You bring me comfort, in a way. I suppose. I can never identify the selling point. You just feel... right. I've had crushes before, but not like this. Each time it's been looks, or personality; some defining feature that attracts me to them. With you I have none of that. You just feel like home. I'd follow you anywhere, as long as you wanted me there. If only this silent, constant yearning would disappear. If only I saw you as a friend. If only you saw me as more than a friend. If only. I wish. If only.

[lilmamabeyellin]

me after using any other social media

[ashlynforsure]

Why you gotta be so......?

Nah I be mad insecure. My person say anything about somebody else, I be like fuck outta here me too, nigga! fuck is you talkin' bout. They mention a name too frequently, laugh too much, do too much of anything, i'm questioning everything. I don't put nothing past the mind. Like why tf you saying her name so much? I be telling myself to chill but its like nah what tf.

I also don't know why Im this way. I'm always number one. I always meet the family, get the special treatment, all the things, the good head, the luxury, all the things. I guess I don't have to be insecure, but like I am... Because there's always someone else. And no, they aren't me, but... that's not the point. But then again, that is exactly the point, and it's annoying asf.

They're not me, and my person should always be raving about me. I don't care. That may be unrealistic to some, but the majority of the time those people ain't never been raved about. Like your friends should be annoyed at how much you talk about me.

Does that make me insecure? I don't think so, but like according to society, it does. Whatever.

[ashlynforsure]

[prettyvixenavenue]

getting what i want after saying that’s exactly what i was going to do:

[fendi-in-pariii]

Me all 2019,2020,2021 to infinity

[86jodeci]