Now I'm dead. I know I'm dead because I killed myself. I just couldn't do it anymore. It was selfish but sometimes you have to put yourself first and to hell with everyone else. They can grieve and cry and then move on. Or they can hold a grudge for all eternity, I don't care. I needed peace, and I did not find it in myself or others; not in food, or sex, or art or music. But I found it in death.
Peace in a way I never thought possible. Growing up I always heard that what I've done is a sin and a one way, non-refundable ticket straight to Hell. I struggled for years with the decision until I just gave up.
There was a lot of pain, I remember vaguely here, and crying. I just kept telling myself that it was temporary and soon I'd feel nothing. I was wrong. When it was over, after the coldness and misery had faded away, there was warmth and light and peace.
Oh, the satisfaction of it. All the fear and dread being washed away like mud and blood in a hot, soothing shower. I can't say for sure how long I was just there, existing yet not, when I felt a presence. It wasn't a startling thing to notice, it just was.
"I'm very pleased to see you again. My sympathies for your long turmoil. Not everyone likes being human all the time."
"I don't understand."
"You were human before, but you liked it much better that time. You hadn't been human for a few lifetimes and decided to give it another go, had so much fun you wanted to do it again. Sadly, it did not go so well this time around.:
I understand possibly less. "Are you...?"
"God? Yes, I suppose I am. At least in some cultures. You're all very interesting when human. I love you all so much, to have seen you suffer brought me great sadness. But you're here now, and I'm so glad to see you again. Are you still unhappy?"
A moment goes by as I consider everything. I'm confused by the information I've just been given.
"I... No, I guess I'm not. But if you're God, why didn't you make my life better? If you were sad because I was sad, why didn't you fix it?" I think I'm angry but I am unsure. Maybe I'm just curious. Yet another stretch of silence falls between us. God is collecting his--or her--thoughts. Surely this was not the first time it had been asked this question?
"No, it is not. But I like to find new ways of explaining. If I always give the same answer, I'd feel like I didn't care enough each time." I can't remember if I spoke. "You don't have to actively speak to me. I made you. I know you completely. you are a part of me.
"As for why I didn't intervene, well... I'll use an example from your life. Do you remember when you climbed the tall tree in your back yard after your mother told you it was dangerous and you could fall and hurt yourself?"
Yes, I remember. I did fall and broke my arm in two places.
"You were warned but the thrill of the climb was more important that the possibility of injury. After hurting yourself so badly, you were upset with your mother--you blamed her for a long time for what happened."
I feel the remnants of guilt. I did that, blamed my mother when she'd tried to stop me and I didn't listen. But how was that connected to this?
"Becuase I wanred you. I always warn you before sending you out as human that you may go through a tough time, your whole life may turn out to be one long and seemingly neverending tough time." God sounds like a good friend of mine from high school. "Sometimes you remember things I've said and some find it helpful."
If I'm able to blush then I know I am. My thoughts aren't safe.
"Nor are they dangerous. I will not be offended. Remember, I know you. But that is the explanation. I said it might be hard, you said you'd do it anyway. I do not interfere much or at all after you leave me."
"When do you?" Until now I've not been concerned over the fact I cannot see God. I want to now, to look into Its eyes.
"Forgive me, but it is not time for you to see my face. No one is to see me before it's time."
"Judgement Day?"
"Something like that."
What happens now? Will I be punished for taking my own life?
"No, of course not. You were not punished for calling your mother to take you from a friend's slumber party early when you were scared."
So life is like a sleep over? What's the point of it then?
"42. I am joking." God has a sense of humor, that's comforting. "The point of your life is make it your own. You are the point. Random events in your life can be negative or positive; it's up to you to make the most of your time."
"Or to end it?"
"Yes. Some call it 'going home'."
"And is this really home? Is this the final place? Just me and you and... Nothing?"
"No, this is more like a rest stop. A place for you to relax a while before talking with me."
"Then what?"
"You go back."
I feel strange. A memory of panic.
"Calm, child, shhh... You can go back as anything you please. You can be vague or specific."
"But... I don't understand? I don't want to go back! I killed myself for a reason!"
"I know. And you're here now, aren't you?"
"Yes, and I want to stay here!"
"Darling, my darling, you cannot stay here. I am not ready for you to stay."
"Are you doing something? How are you not ready?"
"Yes, I am doing a lot of renovations to prepare for you and everyone else. I am very particular, and everyone will have a place especially for them to be happy for the rest of time."
"What about terrible people?"
"Do you mean people like Hitler?"
Am I embarrassed that he was the one I thought of first, or because God can read my mind?
"It is all right. What he did was truly horrible, even I had quite a time overcoming that. He and I talked for a long time."
"Was he sorry for what he did?"
It's been some time since the last bit of silence, but this time is much heavier. I can feel the sadness coming off of God.
"He is back on Earth but he will never be allowed to be anything larger than a bettle, and nothing more dangerous than a fire ant."
I want to laugh but I know not to. God doesn't want to punsih, but in this case there seemed no other way. God is a parent, Adolf was--is--its child. No parent wants to punsih their child, but when given no other options...
"Perhpaps someday he will come around to his senses but until then he will remain a cawling thing."
"And when the end of the world comes? What then?"
"If he repents and is sincere, I may make a way for him to gain forgiveness. But that's quite a long time from now."
"But the end of the world? Will he have a place in... Heaven? Or does Hell exist?"
"No, no. He and others will remain as creatures until something changes. There's plenty of time for that, I promise."
So staying on Earth as a bug is in a way hell. Or purgatory, really.
"Exactly. Maybe someday they will be able to come to me, but until that time..."
Well, then, death really isn't the end. We just keep going back.
"Everyone in existence is the same as back in the beginning."
But there's so many people in the world, and you said some are creatures.
"Yes. Many of the wicked people are finally repenting and want to human again. Less creatures, more people. You are energy, and you cannot be destroyed, and you cannot stay with me yet."
But I can be transformed from one form to another. It's endless. Why don't I remember my past lives?
"You have some memories but for the most part you go into a new life as fresh and clean and new as possible. It makes life more fascinating that way."
How interesting this is. I expected the other side to be different. For so long I had been afraid. God was also much more pleasant than I ever could have hoped, also.
"You always feel that way, and I am always glad for it. Now, it's time for you to go back. What would like to be this time?
It was a question I had no real answer to at the moment. I vowed if given this chance I would not be human again. God was patient as I thought about this. Anything? At all?
"On the planet, and within reason."
So becoming a star was out.
"Yes, I apologize. But way to dream big, my darling."
More time passed.
"Yes, I can do that. It will be painless for you and when you've reached a certain point you will come back here again. No, for you it will be a long life unless you ar ebroken. I hope whoever you are with is inspired and uses you for good and beautiful things.
"Goodbye, my darling. Be happy. I will see you again soon."
I feel a warmth radiating into me and I recognize it as a hug, and maybe a kiss. God surely is a mother.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
God, or something like that, looked fondly after the child once it had gone it its new life.
"That's the fifth time you've wanted to be a pencil," God said to itself with a loving chuckle. Then it was moving on to greet another child.
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