Hi! Uhmm..I have a question, I guess. You don't have to answer this if it's too much of a bother, of course.
The thing is, I'm afab, use she/her, have been using these all my life, but recently I've started trying she/they. I started trying these online, and I've finally told one of my closest friends I wouldn't mind if someone used they/them (although I was still not very sure I felt totally comfortable with they/them), but as soon as I told them, something didn't feel right. Finally, I've decided to tell them not to use they, but online I still don't mind it (I think).
Do you know if this could be a normal thing when telling someone for the first time, or it could mean that maybe they/them isn't for me? Or maybe I'm okay with it online but not offline, idk
Anyway, thank you so much!
Don’t worry about bothering me, it’s fine!
Honestly, it could be either way, and ultimately that answer has to be up to you. But I do want to lend legitimacy to the possibility that you possibly aren’t used to it more than it’s inherently “wrong” for you. A lot in my own gender journey felt awkward and uncomfortable when first giving it a try, from pronouns to (sometimes still!) calling myself “trans” and not just nonbinary alone. And that last one? Sometimes I still question myself about it!
It’s hard to know how much of this kind of discomfort is from external pressure (in my case, truscum, in yours, just society at large), and how much is legitimately feeling as if it doesn’t suit us. Sometimes we just have to experiment for a while, and that’s okay! If you wanted, you do have this one friend who you felt comfortable asking to use these pronouns, so whether you choose to expand the circle at all or not, I would just explain something like, “I’m not really sure where I stand on these pronouns, but I’d appreciate if you used they/them pronouns with me sometimes as sort of a trial for me so I can see how comfortable I am with it now and possibly moving forward. It may not be permanent, and my preference might switch.” I imagine the person you felt comfortable with would understand such a thing, if you trusted them with (and they were respectful of) this change in the first place.
Also, there’s a shade of legitimacy to only being “ourselves” online, certainly while we’re figuring ourselves out. The shelter of anonymity that exists online allows us to feel safer from the ugliness of bigotry. Even if you only ever felt comfortable this way online, would that make it less true to you? It’s sort of like being in the closet in any regard--that doesn’t make a person less LGBTQ+, ya know? It just means maybe they aren’t comfortable or safe being open in all aspects of their life, and that’s okay. Only you can know when and if making the switch to the offline world is right for you. But don’t let discomfort in that regard in the very beginning be your deciding factor. Give yourself time, whether that time is to become comfortable with new pronouns, or to decide you like the ones you’ve always used.
And remember that using your assigned at birth pronouns is no kind of deciding factor in whether you are or are not nonbinary. Again, that is wholly a personal decision, and one not inherently tied to your pronouns. I know lots of nonbinary people who simply like their AAB pronouns, and don’t plan to change them--and that’s totally legit. It’s about what makes you comfortable and happy, not what you feel will make your gender more palatable or legitimate in the eyes of others. So if you try out new pronouns for a bit and hate them? Fuck it, be she/her for life. You are still who you are.
