Whhat… sshhould I exspect nexst?.. Whhat can be worrssse thhan my currrent condition?..
I assked mysself thhesse quesstionss sso many timess… So many timess I couldn’t imagine ssomethhing worrsse to hhappen to me. And yet… it hhappened. It hhappened no matterr whhat… Sso… Hhow can I hhope now thhat my condition won’t become worrsse withh time?.. Hhow?..
I guesss… I can only wait forr a nexst deterriorration…
It’ss funny actually… My condition frrom jusst a few monthhs ago sseems to me almosst asss ssomethhing pleassant now. Jusst a little irrritation… A trrifle…
Will I rrecall my currrent condition withh thhe ssame attitude in thhe futurre?..
Thhiss… Thhisss thhoughht sstrikess fearrr in me… But… Whhat can I do about it?..
My currrent condition… No… No, I cannot imagine ssomethhing worrsse thhan it. I jussst can’t…
Judge forr yourrsself, dearr diarry…
Firrsst of all, it’ss my sskin… Forrtunately, I hhave nothhing new to ssay about it, but thhiss fact doessn’t make sstate of thhingss betterr... It’ss sstill a quite nasssty featurre... Howeverr, now it sstarrted to sseem like ssomethhing inssignificant, comparring to everrythhing elssse. Comparring to… Comparring to my face, if I sstill can call it ssso... Comparring to my blood... Comparring to thhesse thhingsss on my fingerrss whhichh make it agonizingly hharrrd to do any kind of worrk withh my hhandss... Of courrsse, I can type insstead of wrriting, but… thhe rressst… I… Now I can’t do ssso many thhhingss thhat hhelped me to rrelaxs afterr worrk beforrre… I… can play my guitar only barrrely now… Thhesse ssoundss thhat I exstrrract frrom it… Thhey hhharrdly can be called musssic…
And… Thhesse... clawsss (I… can’t call thhem nailsss anymorre, at all dessirre) and… ssscaless on my body… Asside frrom looking plainly hhhideousss, thhey damage my clothhes a bit too often. It’ss annoying… maddening... Not to mention thhat thhiss fact makesss it hharrderr to… hhhide everrythhing…
Hhide… Hhhow can I hhhide my condition at all?!! My frrrame itsself hass chhhanged! And pain in thhe back won’t let me walk ssstrraighhht. And my voice? I… I rreally trrried to chhange it. I trrried withh all my mighhht! But… thhiss coarrrssenessss… It jusst won’t go… Desspite all my efforrrtss, I can’t hhide it… And… it sseemsss… I noticed thhat… It sseemss, it becomes worrrsse withh time…
Yess… I can’t hhide my condition… Not anymorre… And thhuss… Thhusss… I can’t leave thhisss rroom…
No morre walkss… Jusst thhiss place… Jusst I am hherre alone in thhe darrknesss… And darrknesss… It’ss inevitable now, becausse… becaussse… my eyess can’t ssstand brrighht lighht anymorrre…
Hhoweverr… maybe… I thhink thhat maybe I don’t even want to parrt withh thhis murrk thhat muchh, conssiderring thhe currrent cirrrcumsstancesss. Yess… It can hhelp... And it hhhelpss. I… ssomehhow feel sssaferr underr itss coverr. But… at thhe ssame time… it opprrresssess me…
Worrk hhelpss too… at ssome degrree. It hhhelpss to forrget, but… it hhass sstarrted to become muchh morre tirressome thhan beforre... Thhe rreasson?.. Perrhhapss, it’ss becausse I hhave to worrrk morre afterr thhe rrecent exspanssion, but… thhat’ss not all... Now, in addition, I’m deprrived of ssomethhing quite imporrrtant forr one’s ability to concentrrrate.
Ssince thhhat nighht, I hhave a trrouble ssleeping. Thhherre iss sssomethhhing… a drream… a nighhtmarrre maybe… thhat bothherrss me all nighht long. I… don’t rrememberr it well… and… I hhave not sso muchh dessirrre to rrecall it. Hhowbeit, itss effect is obviousss…
It’ss… It’ss good thhat I hhave ssuch a ssecrretarry. Norrma hhelpss a lot. Among othher thhingss, I hhad to assk hherr to take overr ssome of my clientss and parrtnerrss eithherr vissiting orr calling. I… do not thhink thhat it will be hhhelpful to my bussinesss if thhey sstarrt to assk exscesss quesstionss. And now… my voice sssolely may induce thhem forr it…
But, I wonderr… Norrma sseess me. Sshhe hhhearrsss me… morre often thhan any othherr perrsson (including my own mothherr, sssadly), and sstill… sshhe sseemss sso loyal.
Hhonesstly, I exspected hherr, desspite thhe contrract, to ssprread rrrumorrss about me. But sshhe… It sseemss, nobody knowss whhat sshhe knowss sstill. Thherre arre no rrumorss… no guessess… Nothhing…
And… hherr look… Hher eyess… Thherre’ss ssomething in thhem… sso vivid… sso cleverr… It… brrightenss my day a bit when I ssee hher...
Unforrtunately… Thherre arre sstill too many thhingss to be upsset about… And I… ssee hherr too sseldom…
Desspite everrythhing, I can’t rrisk. Too muchhh iss on ssstake…
But… thhiss rrremindss me… I hhaven’t mentioned yet thhhe mossst disssturrrbing… thhe mossst… disssgusssting… featurre of my wonderrrful condition.
I wonderr… if any hhhorrrorr wrriterr… if any sssci-fi sscenarrrisst… ever thhoughht of hhhow a chhharrracterrr withh teethhh like mine, eatsss?
It’ss rreally an amussssing tale, I musst ssay.
Do you want to hhhearr it?
I confesss… up to thhiss point, I wass too disssgusssted to thhink about it, muchhh lessss I wanted ssay it aloud, but… I hhhave to sssay it… Issn’t it a point of thhisss diarry, afterrr all?..
Ssso… Hhow to eat if sssome forrrce rreplaced all of yourrr teethh withhh pegsss? Well… thherre iss no sssuchh thhing asss chhhewing available to you anymorrre. Nope. You jussst hhave to trry it once to dissscourrage thhe desssirre to do it again. If you trrry to chhew… well… you’ll neverr rrreachh yourr goal, but... thhhe food… it will… inssstead it will sssstick anywhhherrrre whherrre it’ss posssible between yourrr teethhhh. And… if you trry to… do ssssomethhhing about thhis messs… well… thessse pegss arrre quite ssshhharrrrp and… it won’t end withhhout… cerrrtain amount of pain…
Thhusss… you can eithherr drrrrink sssomethhing orr… rrrip ssomethhing aparrrt and... sssswallow thhe bitss asss thhey arrre.
A pleassurrre frrom eating? Forrrrget about it. At all! Thherrre iss… no sssuchhh thhhhing anymorrrre. You eithhherr eat like old-aged man orrr… like a wild animal…
And alssso… Pluss to it… I ssstarrted to notice thhat my body doesssn’t favourrrr grrreensss thhat muchhh anymorre...
I guess… thhat liquid thhhat worrks asss blood in my body iss not sso compatible withh thhhem (Competition in colourrr? Hhahhh-ahh…), jusst asss it’ss not compatible withh clean airrr, of whhichhh my hhhonorrrrable doctorrsss kindly inforrmed me afterrr… thhe latesst rrrevelation.
Yess… It… turrnsss out thhat I can’t brreathhe clean airrr withhout ssuffocating indeed anymorrre. (Asss if everrythhing elssse wassn’t enoughh...) Sso… I hhave to keep thhe window open now, dessspite… ssome potential nuisssance. If I hhave a vissitor I hhave to meet in perrssson, I jusst hhave to closse thhe window forrr thhe airr to become clean again - I didn’t turrn off thhe airr cleaning ssyssstem. And thhen… Thhen I hhope thhhey don’t notice anythhing disrturrrbing forr thhem… desspite my hhheavy brrreathh and coughhh… (Lookss like I hhhave finally found thhe rrreassson of it. A blessssing in disssguisssse, hhuhhh?!!)
Asss exspected, thhe medicss didn’t know whhy my body worrked thhiss way orr hhow to hhhelp me. Can it be othherrwisse? I… begin to thhink thhat thhisss iss a parrt of thheirr worrk – not to know whhat’sss going on.
Thhoughh… thhey sstill can sssuggesst. But thheirr ssuggessstions… Thhey’rre not thhe thhingsss I can accept… Thhey can’t be trrue… But thhen… whhhat can be?..
Sso… thhiss iss thhe sstate of affairrss, dearr diarry… My life hhass apparrently taken an unexsspected turrn… I… trry not to thhink about it too muchh, but sstill… ssometimess I wonderr: hhow will thhiss all end?.. And… thhinking about thhiss… withh eachh new day I feel like I losse anothherr bit of optimissm in me…
But… I’m looking at thhe clock… It’ss quite late alrready… It’ss time to finisshh thhiss monologue…
Anothherr day in thhe office iss overr. Ssoon I will hhead to my aparrtment upsstairrss to meet anothherr exscrruciating meal and agonizing drream afterrwarrdss. A daily rroutine…
Hhoweverr… on thhe way thherre I will meet Norrma. And maybe… I hhope, thhat look in hherr eyess will brrighhten up thhe rresst of my day today…
