#notes to self

[breelynnsblog]

A Quandary

My return to Tumblr has not been what I expected. Really, I don't what I was expecting. I left because I had to deal with losing loved ones who had become so close, so absolutely close to my heart.

No need to rehash.

I came back to chase a dream. I now realize it was more like a fantasy. Selfishly, I had hoped that the pain of loss would be nursed by someone who could identify with my struggle. And, therefore, we would connect.

What I had not anticipated was that people react differently to loss over time. I had made an assumption on my part, and I have only myself to blame. There is no written manual for losing loved ones. For me, the first chapter of loss began when I was young. 12 years old seems like a lifetime ago.

My dilemma is that I gave my heart to someone who has taken steps with me on this journey called life. One is loved because one is loved. You don't have to give a reason. No reason is needed for loving.

She has now found a new love, begun a different chapter, started a fresh story. Just being real while I support and cheer for her and wish nothing but the best, deep inside me I know we would have made the stars sing to us as we laid on the beach, and we would have heard the wind whistling to us through the pines in Georgia.

Here's the quandary: If it is true that there are two things you will never have to chase, true friends and true love; what do you do if you want your true love to be more than your true friend?

Nobody remembers those who came in second, do they?

~B~

[a-postcard-from-reality]

[filenesdebasement]

Tonsil stones r (increasingly) back! If still here when AQI not crazy then infection IS back and i do know what infection subjectively feels like in myself as primarily increased brain fog!!

[a-postcard-from-reality]

I really enjoy watching this lady's channel. She is very ballsy, in the sense that she gives anything a go. She builds things, grows food, makes her own clothes and even converted an old Landrover so she could camp in it. I started following her because she was renovating an old farm previously owned by her Grandmother, but I enjoy all the posts.

This particular video gives a great concept of making sketch/scrap books, it's almost like Tumblr in physical form.

If you have any creative side, or mental block in that regards, a lot of her videos I think are quite inspiring.

[thatchungleestyle]

[anicespaceforme]

Almost passed out today, water bottle and food in my bag, don’t let this happen again

[anicespaceforme]

Eventually we’re going to have to stop caring about legality

[filenesdebasement]

making Posts abt these things aids in memory and retention so. multiple times recently my boyfriend has said to me "oh i can do that" about some minor household task, and i have activated like a sleeper agent and started doing it myself to the point of like colliding with him because neither of us can stop actions mid-plan. and he will be like WHAT'S HAPPENING. whatever i'm doing is self-evident to me but makes no sense to him. anyway it seems that my family growing up trained me to hear "i can do that" as a passive-aggressive indication to Help that you have to say as a kind of ritual, akin to how people fight over who pays for the check.

(this is insane bc if you actually want to do something yourself in this kind of environment, you basically have to wait until no one is watching and tell no one)