Eat or die

Welcome, friend. Why don't you stay with us for dinner? Hiero and I are having a barbecue and you will see that I make steaks to die for. Ask-Colonel-Ives is an AU Ives independent rp blog. This blog is on a semi-hiatus. Sorry about that!

[ask-colonel-ives]

(OOC: Afk until saturday evening)

(Because of this!)

[ask-colonel-ives]

"Which is the method in which you'd like to die?"

None. 

Perks of being strong and immortal. I don’t have to choose.

[minaharkerdailymirror]

“I actually didn’t care. Giving you the option was me desperately trying to get in my good deed for the day,” the monster hunter told him and fired. 

[ask-colonel-ives]

The bullets hit him square in the chest. Ooooh. Good shot.

“Urgh…” Ives stumbled backward a bit. He was immune to death, but certainly not to pain. A good thing he was a well fed wendigo: that shot could have killed him had he been careless. “Now now, lass.” The colonel growled, straightening. “What are you doing on my property?”

[minaharkerdailymirror]

Oh, that didn’t work. Oh fuck. Mina pulled out a handgun that should blow him backwards if he got closer, “Going hunting.” She said, and it was a ridiculous line, but he wasn’t going to be alive for long to mock her for it

[ask-colonel-ives]

“Well now, looks like I’ve got myself a trespassing hunter then.” Ives said with a toothy grin. On his chest, the bullet wound was slowly healing itself. Too bad the healing properties of human flesh did not extend to clothes. His new shirt and vest are ruined. “You look armed for some pretty big pray.”

[ask-colonel-ives]

"Which is the method in which you'd like to die?"

None. 

Perks of being strong and immortal. I don’t have to choose.

[minaharkerdailymirror]

“I actually didn’t care. Giving you the option was me desperately trying to get in my good deed for the day,” the monster hunter told him and fired. 

[ask-colonel-ives]

The bullets hit him square in the chest. Ooooh. Good shot.

“Urgh…” Ives stumbled backward a bit. He was immortal, but certainly not immune to pain. A good thing he was a well fed wendigo: that shot could have killed him had he been careless. “Now now, lass.” The colonel growled, straightening. “What are you doing on my property?”

[gfnhxghzfgj]

W-W-W-Wendigo

[ask-colonel-ives]

"Which is the method in which you'd like to die?"

None. 

Perks of being strong and immortal. I don’t have to choose.

[ask-colonel-ives]

Well. It seems like I have a bit of extra time on my hands.

Everyone is doing God knows what and I am here. Alone. And I have nothing else to butcher.

I suppose I can answer a question or too for the braves who dare to ask.

[ask-hierophant]

*places umbrella over Hiero to shield from angst* :’l 

[ask-colonel-ives]

*log bashes the angst*

[ask-colonel-ives]

I have decided to redecorate the house a bit

The cat brought a mummified finger on the doormat the other day. I’m sure it meant well, but I think it says a lot on the state of my property.

So you know...

Re-arranging the furniture.

Baby-proofing the sockets.

Transferring the bodies buried in yard to the garage so I can bury them under fresh new shiny cement.

I was thinking of painting my basement in a dark shade of burgundy. Maybe I could add a few torches too. And an organ.

(OOC: I’M PIMPING THE BLOG A BIT! It’s going to be weird for a bit so sorry about that! Thank you peeps!)

[ask-colonel-ives]

So, what has Ives been up too lately?

Uuurgh... hmphfff... hello?

“Yeah hello I need to speak to some fockin’ ‘Colonel’ or something. "

Yes you’ve... who’s this?

“Jest put the fockin’ Colonel on the phone will ye?”

Colonel Ives speaking, who are you and what do you want?

“OH thank God! Look, me boss told me to call ye if some shite happened and ‘some shite’ happened if ye know what I mean?”

No. Who are you?

“Do ye think I’m fockin’ stupid? I won’t tell ye on the phone but I’m on a job for M. Devine and some ‘SHITE’ happened and I really need tae do something about it and quick before tae ga-”

Well well, I didn’t know Daniel hired people has mouthy as he! No wonder you failed your job.

“Oi! Hang on, I didn’t fockin’ fail my job, I never said I fockin’ failed my job it’s just that some shite happened and-”

Oh just shut up and bring your ‘shite’ to me. I’ll see what I can do.

“Actually we’re already at the front door.”

---

The Colonel has been quite busy during the past month/year, dealing first with a very pregnant Hiero, his growing fondness for MacAvoy and then his two little pups. Twins they were and with Hierophant being physically unable to stop killing for two damn seconds and MacAvoy being busy with the church, Ives would become a stay-at-home dad and take care of the kids. Besides, being at home at all time meant he now had more time for his little evidence clearing business with the government, business he later extended to the Mob! Oh please, the government doesn’t have to know everything.

The pups where growing fast, too fast for Ives who would rather have them stay little and bright eyed all their lives. They are his pride and joy as far as he is concerned. With his growing pack, Francis is the happiest he has ever been in a very, very long time.

---

So? What do we have here?

“Just some sad fock who thought he could fool me, but I showed him.”

Yes, you sure did. And now the entire car is a mess. As you are.

“Yes and I really need to be home in two hours or I’ll miss the game so if ye could please stop bitchin’, do yer fockin’ job and let me do mine, we’ll-”

You will keep your voice down. The children are sleeping.

“U-ugh...”

And you will be very, very polite with me and you will handle me ‘bitching’ if it’s what you must do to be back home in time for your stupid game. Unless you want me to tell M. Devine that you killed the man who owed him over 10 000 dollars BEFORE he could pay up.

“How d-”

And you will call me Colonel... and that is all.

“Uuuuuurgh! Ah! Ye’re fockin’ insane!”

...

“C-Colonel...”

Good! Now strip. I’ll get you some other clothes. You will get cleaned up in this shower here. Limit your movements to a minimum in here, I want to make sure you leave as very little behind as possible.

“Yeah ok. Ok. Thank ye. And fer yer information, the client didn’t pay up, but he did tell me wheREAAAAAAAAAAARGH-”

Sorry. Water’s cold.

---

So yeah! That’s what Ivesey has been doing. Dissolving and burning evidences, butchering fresh corpses, feeding human flesh to his family and fucking his mates senseless in-between changing the kids’ diapers and singing lullabies.

A cold, calculative smooth bastard in a robe and silly ladybug slippers. Oh Ives! Don’t forget the baby monitor!

---

“I look like a fockin’ poof.”

You look like a man who has nothing to hide.

“What are ye going tae do with me clothes?”

Burn them.

“WOT? Ye can’t burn me clothes! Me jers-”

It’s that or you risk getting caught for your brashness.

“I’d take the risk anytime! Taking one for the team, eh?”

No. No I’m afraid, M. DeSouza, that I have to return you to M. Devine safe and sound.

“But me fockin’ jersey!”

Alas! You should have thought about it before you blew someone’s brain out in a small, enclosed space.

“Fockin’ hell!”

Aye. Very well then! Off you go, if you want to make it home in time for your game.

“OH! Shite! Yeah!”

Take the car to this address. Tell the owner of the junkyard, Gaz, that the Colonel sent you. Don’t accept payment from him, I’ll know if you do. Tell him to take his boy somewhere nice instead. You go home any way you please for there. I’ll be expecting payment from M. Devine by the end of the week. Now if you’ll excuse me, a body to destroy.

“Oi! They said a lot af things about tae ‘colonel’, and I didnae believe most af them but I have tae admit, ye’re pretty good! Pretty good eh!”

Yes well even I can make less mess while killing someone than you, and that is saying something.

“Fock off!”

Yes, buh-bye.

[clusterstruck-deactivated202405]

[ask-colonel-ives]

Ravenous (1999): Colonel Ives

[ruthdemoofins]

The only prerequisite to being my child is having seen Ravenous and accepting Ives as your lord and savior (but srsly if you hate blood or dont like it no probs) and if you haven’t please tell me and ima stREAM IT AND HAHAHAHAHAHAH IVESSSS HAHAHA

[ask-colonel-ives]

Not so sure about the savior part but lord seems about right!

[ruthdemoofins]

ives is a twat. that is all.

[ask-colonel-ives]

Now now.

[ruthdemoofins]

*passive aggressively pushes hiero x ives at u*

[ask-colonel-ives]

WHO PUSHED ME!?

WHO PUSHED HIERO!?

[ruthdemoofins]

[ruthdemoofins]

I try to roleplay to pull away stress, but it always ends up with me being stuck in the midst of drama or feeling entirely shit at my character in comparison to other muns, I feel like some muns like me for only a few days and move on to dote on someone else, part of me thought of deleting the fucking account because I’m so tired of feeling like I don’t matter when I try so hard. It’s childish, but I can’t help it.

[ask-colonel-ives]

I was pulled out of bed at... crossbow point by this bloody quebecoise and why? To comfort a teenage girl? Ridiculous.

Yeaaaah she's also the voice Hiero hears in her head.

Hierophant hears voices?

...

She never mentio-

..........

... Right...

Hello, voice inside Hierophant's head. I have been... informed of your recent qualms. Fret not, you are and will remain to me quite a... delectful companion. Yes yes, you could say I find you to be quite to my... taste... I enjoy hearing you and look forward to your posts with... appetite.

GOD FUCKING DAMN  IT COLONEL.

Ah, forgive me for teasing. I cannot help it. Playing with my food has always been a nasty habit of mine.

COLONEL!

Anywho, I hope you find once again happiness in making my dearest Hierophant come to life. Do know that while I am not around anymore, I think of her... often. And yes, I miss her too. And the nervous little priest too. And that is because of you. I suppose that I can spare you a little bit of my time to thank you then for the joy you brought me and the... crazy hat girl with the crossbow writing me. I-

Well.

I am glad to have been a part of your adventures. And I am very happily reading your new ones. I see you improve, I see you try things here and there. You are an entertaining little fellow, yes. I like it when food is entertaining.

Colonel, I'm fucking warning you.

Right. I am pretty much done talking and will go back to sleep now if Wannabe-Lannister here will let me. I, however, would like to point out to you that sometimes, reevaluating your priorities will do you lots of good. That's how I managed to get away with manslaughter so many times. Just... stop, take a step back, look around and revise your plan. Improvise. And always carry a good shovel with you. You don't want your second-hand shovel to break and having to dig your traps with your hands. It's a pain, believe me.

Ah, errr.... well, that is it then. Give my love to Hiero. And to her nervous little companion too, I suppose. Perhaps we shall meet again someday. For dinner, maybe? Of course, you are invited.

[ask-hierophant]

((For the batteries))

Honeykins, that’s a fuckin’ dolphin! Looks like a bathtub toy for the baby..?

[ask-colonel-ives]

No it's... it's not... Hiero... it's really not...

[ask-father-macavoy-deactivated2]

maaacccyyyyyy you deddddd?

I-I’m not dead! I am just….I happen to be….unwell.

That is the best word to use in these times dear.

[ruthdemoofins]

LET ME HEAL YOU. “HEAL” YOU

[mychippedbutt]

Maybe he’s preggo with Ives’ baby

[ask-father-macavoy-deactivated2]

WTF…..No! 

[ask-colonel-ives]

[ask-colonel-ives]

Sooo...I was thinkin' we should pull one of those all-nighters of constant fuckin', like the old days.