What They DON'T Tell You...
What they don't tell you about being a hero is how much of the job requires a lot of social tact. Don't get the wires crossed... I'm not talking about charm. I've got loads of charm, whole freighter ships full of it, just ask my wife. But tact? Well...
Shocking though this may be, the guy who was raised in a jail cell and goes around dressed in black leather and spikes while blaring heavy metal is maybe NOT the most adept at picking up on subtle social signals. In fact, my incredibly brilliant brain's Weird Nonverbal Communications Receptor is pretty dysfunctional. There, I said it.
What do I mean? Here's a recent example.
Apparently, it's football season. Has been for some time. At least I think so. I did not know this because I am just not a sports person. It's just never been my thing. And because football fans seem to wear jerseys year round so, really, how am I supposed to gauge when there is something actively happening? No idea.
Anyway, I was at one of those boring political meet-and-greets that Minion insists are absolutely necessary for a hero but that, as far as I can see, only take me away from building really cool, awe-inspiring devices. And I was trying to listen to some guy who is an aid to one of Michigan's senators or something drone on and on about, you guessed it, football. Specifically, he was talking at length about the Detroit Lions.
Of which he is apparently a fan.
And this apparently makes him a rarity.
Because, apparently, by whatever mysterious criteria footballers--is that a word?--are measured, this team is generally agreed to be terrible. I mean, really terrible. Like, some citizens of their own city are embarrassed to wear their team merchandise levels of terrible.
Now, as I said, I am not a sports fan. I am not good at picking up on social signals. So I had NO IDEA that there were all these incomprehensible unspoken rules regulating football-related conversations. There are some things you are simply not supposed to say, for example:
"DETROIT HAS A FOOTBALL TEAM?!"
When he asked me how I could have lived my entire life in Michigan without knowing that, it seems that "I don't know I guess I only know about the famous teams everybody likes" was not the correct answer.
To be fair, though, at least I'm not biased. I care exactly 0% about ALL sports. I mean, I'm the guy who, when Minion insisted he wanted to go to a baseball game, sat in the bleachers shouting:
"Go, guy down there! Do basebally stuff! Go other guy! Go guy--Wait! No! You have the wrong colors on! DON'T! GO! GUY!"
So, yeah, if my complete lack of knowledge concerning sports offends you... Sorry. Your Incredibly Handsome Heroic Genius and Defender of All Metrocity really knows nothing about Cow Skin. Or Pig Skin. Or whatever bizarre name it is people call football sometimes.
But, hey, at least you've got a gorgeous blue alien rockstar genius keeping you safe, and you know I'll never be late to rescue you from a burning building because the Big Game is on. You can't have it all, am I right?
-Megamind, Defender of Metrocity
