Here resides the Lady Wrecker

The name's Verity Carlo, former Wrecker ally and lone female on the crew of the Xantium. I am now located on the Cybertronian starcraft, the Lost Light; however, I also have quarters in Jasper, Nevada, United States. Consider this blog my permanent residence. I now have a job, as well as other duties, so understand that I won't always be able to answer your asks right away. Still, I like having friends from time to time, and knowing smart, open-minded folks to chat with. Ask or submit something; priority for Autobots and their allies. Unless you're a Decepticon that doesn't want me dead. Then you're good. Basically, if you're not a big asshole, you're good. {{This is an independent personal/RP blog for Verity Carlo of the infamous IDW comics. CURRENT LOCATION: Aboard the Lost Light CURRENT M!A: None}}

[ask-verity-carlo]

((Hey all.

After several months of being gone from this blog, I've decided to at least return to it.

I think I've processed my grief enough that I can enjoy Transformers again and still remember Louis without wanting to cry.

Why did it take so long?

I don't know, I'm exhausted. Been keeping myself busy.

Hope you all have been well.

-Verity-mun))

[ask-verity-carlo]

p>I met him here. On this blog was where I first met him.

We both loved transformers so much. That's how we bonded. I'm trying to see if u have some of his old messages here.

Trigger warnings for death and other sensitive topics. Let me explain.

This guy you see here? His name is Louis. Born May 6, 1990. He used to have an Ironfist RP blog here.

He was my friend. And I loved him. I love him still.

But that doesn’t matter anymore, because he’s dead.

He died a few weeks ago. An emergency surgery he didn’t survive.

He had already been very sick, and I feel terrible about this whole thing because I had told him that my feelings for him had changed. That is still loved him, but I wasn’t gonna wait for him.

He lived in Europe and I live in Hawaii. He lived in France up until he got the diagnosis that he didn’t have long to live, then moved to Russia.

Throughout the three-and-a-half years we knew each other, he always had hesitations about coming to visit. And excuses.

He had work. He didn’t have enough money. He was afraid of what my family or friends would think. Then when he got sick, he hesitated because he didn’t want to “burden” me with “a walking, blood-coughing skeleton.”

The problem was he may have been a compulsive liar. Or just generally a coward. He lied enough times that if things were complicated, or whatever he told me seemed far-fetched, I would doubt him.

But his life was not a good one, similar to the life of many characters we RP. He had mental problems, especially PTSD, and because I have depression, I understood the struggle of mental illness.

When he mentioned the whole sickness thing, I thought it was him being a coward.

I was wrong. So wrong.

His last words to me were words praising how brave I was, and that he never wanted me to suffer for his sake. He said that he was happy he wouldn’t be an emotional shackle to me.

I feel like I had a hand in his passing. What if I hadn’t told him the truth? What if I held my tongue? Would he still be alive, so he could come and see me for once?

He was always tired mentally and emotionally. He was a bit of a misanthrope, and loved me because he sensed “goodness” in me (lol what all i am is awful and selfish) and we were both nerds and loved similar things.

He saw me as the exception to humanity. Me and six other people. He only trusted us, it seems. Not even his family knew about his condition until he passed on.

As he got worse, he described the sky going grey and food losing taste. He did crazy things like get wasted drunk and try drugs and have sex with complete strangers. This made me angry, since I thought he was using his “condition” to be reckless.

But I shouldn’t have been. I shouldn’t have been angry, or even told him that I had emotionally moved on.

I met him here on tumblr. We hit things off, he began messaging me (this was way before the chat option), he sent me his picture, and I sent mine to him. He described my eyes as ‘like a night sky, full of stars’. It seemed perfect.

Even when things weren’t perfect, we communicated and managed to work things out. He and I got better as the months went by.

It wasn’t the greatest relationship, but….it was real. At least we got to talk to one another. Talk face-to-face through Skype. We knew each other’s names.

It was real. And I disregarded it because I got tired of waiting for him to come visit me and prove he was real.

Well, I learned from one of his friends through her work email (she’s a nurse), that not only was he real, but that he held me in high esteem. One of his last wishes was that a package would be sent to me if he died. Then I’d know for sure.

For those of you wondering, he served in the French military, is a survivor of child sexual abuse and, later, rape as an adult, he used to be suicidal, and he owned his own house in France because he wanted a family.

I don’t want to have to prove he was real, or even how I got to know him.

I’m in shock, my best friend (a psychologist) said. I still feel numb, though I did have a little cry in my workplace bathroom the day I found out.

I cannot cry. I don’t even have my own room to cry in. And if people IRL ask me why I’m sad?

“Because this European guy I met online who I never held hands with or even touched died and he didn’t deserve that.”

Yes, perfect, exactly what I should tell my whole family, much less complete strangers. -_-

I also don’t want to hear about how he wasn’t real, or that he’s going to hell because he wasn’t a Christian and was angry at God, or have to hear about how this is punishment for me, for some unknown sin.

He was sweet and kind and always tried to make me happy and give me hope when I was going through a lot of hard stuff. All he wanted to do was do good. All he wanted was goodness in all the crap of this world.

I still feel numb, but the tears are building in my eyes. I’m starting to fully comprehend that he’s dead.

What do I do??? I’m an emotional mess on the inside.

I don’t know. I don’t know anymore.

Fuck.

I’m….I’m trying to figure out what the fuck i do from here.

I’m sorry, you guys. I really am. My free time and access to a laptop and keyboard are so short already, and this blog has been so stagnant….

I might end up redoing this whole thing. Or just outright dropping RP for good. At least you guys know. I just wanted to let you guys know what’s happening in life.

I had to tell. It’s not to bottle it up, my best friend/psychologist says.

I’m sorry, all of you. I know this is a lot. I’ll be better soon, I promise.

I think.

{{ RIP Louis Cuenot (May 6, 1990 - August 3, 2016)

I will always love you.}}

[ask-verity-carlo]

((I LIVE))

((Hello all. This is Ylysha, the original mun of ask-verity-carlo. Life has been fucking terrible, but I've decided to return to this account, to try and at least do something with it. At one point, I passed it to a friend of mine, but there were some issues, and I decided to take it back. Right now, I'm not too sure what direction I want to go in. But some of you have stuck with me despite my long absence, and I am so grateful for all of you. Until I firmly decide what to do from here, just know that I am alive. And still very much a transformers fan. Just a quick update, this'll be. I'll see you all real soon. -Ylysha, aka Verity-mun.))

[ask-verity-carlo]

((PSA:))

((I should be ashamed of myself right now, which I am, but I feel I need to let you guys know what's been happening in my life, as well as why I haven't been roleplaying for so long. - I've lost my only stable job in Feburary, and was unemployed until this June - I've been slowly trying to lower my depression through inexpensive methods (teas, St. John's Wort, music, etc.) - I've been making all the necessary arrangements to move out of my parent's place, due to emotional and financial abuse on my mother's part - Thoughts of suicide began occuring again during May - Trying to find a way to pay my college $404, so that I can apply for classes again if I wish.  My account has been suspended due to that pesky $404 bill, and it's fucking up my credit.  I've tried to raise money for it here, but no success.   I've been trying to fill up my Queue, at least, to keep things consistent, but damn, everything in my life has been falling apart. I'm not deleting this blog or anything.  I've met some amazing people through this blog, so I'm not giving it up so easily. I'm just.......taking a hiatus for now.  I really should've made this clear when I started job hunting in March, but due to that, as well as family, church, and other responsibilities I have to respect while I still live with my parents, I wasn't able to formally announce this. I am now. This isn't goodbye, friends.  Just a see you later.  I'll let you guys know, first chance I get, when things are better. Stay strong, and have fun, and eat and sleep and be content. ~Verity-mun

[aerokah]

[atomicmagik]

Im dying, this is perfect!!

[lozalot]

oh god… thier faces… cant decide who i love more…

[autobotprime]

My two favorite things in one package.

[ask-verity-carlo]

((OOC: Cute and cuddly, Autobots.  Cute and cuddly."))

[motherlight]

chromia&windblade uwu

[teal-mafioso-deactivated2025062]

"Soo.. Can we keep ‘em?”

[dulyappointedenforcer]

You Make My Kokoro Go Doki Doki?

[non-eadem]

[hwic-blog1]

nerd

[attndotcom]

My new favorite bumper sticker.

[aiderknight]

Good morning~

[rinpin]

"Shaken, not stirred."

[morganida]

copannan’s request: whirl with real hands

[axylh]

Artist KHAAMAR   Deviant/Tumblr Dare you say that’s not pure beauty.

[happygoldfish]

Welcome to Transformers.

[petronellastirling]

Do Not Link allows you to ethically criticize bad content

Do Not Link allows skeptics to ethically link to content we wish to criticize, without unintentionally promoting it.

So you know how when you criticise an article on a horrible site like the Daily Mail and link so people can see the original page, search engines see that as “someone is interested in this page,” and activity by people criticising the page looks just like activity by people liking it?  So the horrible site goes up the Google search results?  And the horrible site goes “whooo, lots of hits and links, guess that article was popular” and decides to create more horrible articles like it? 

When you’re linking to horrible sites, use DNL: from the user end it works like tinyurl or bit.ly, but it doesn’t give the website attention.

[nudiemuse]

This is GREAT.