((An old fic written litteral years ago but its being posted for all. 2 of you who watch this blog.))
Eder was up before the alarm. No, that wasnât right, he had been awake since far earlier. Since the scream down the hall, the glint of metal, the frantic footsteps, the slamming of the backdoor.
Since Skully told them to just wait until sunlight, since Ark had cleaned the cut on his cheek they were both sure would scar. His fingers brushed the pad that had been taped over it as he sat up, not bothering with changing, merely grabbing his robe and shoving his feet into his boots.
He was stopped by a hand on his wrist.
âSlow down.â Ark was just as awake as him, but seemed far more calm about their current situation.Â
Eder frowned- he couldnât, they had to make sure that everything was okay, or well okay as it possibly could be.Â
âHe will be there, I promise. Just slow down.â
Finally his shoulders sagged. Ark, finally let go of his wrist, grabbing his jacket and putting his shoes on, with an actual pair of socks this time. âIt is still cold out,â Ark reminded him, tossing a pair across the bed to land in front of him.
Eder reluctantly went through the process of taking his boots off to put them on. He looked up halfway through the process when he heard Ark approach their door.Â
âI am grabbing his jacket. The goats would have kept him warm, but not warm enough.âÂ
Eders brow furrowed. How was Ark certain that he had even decided to stay on the property? Yet with the certainty some of his anxiety eased.
-
He met Ark in the kitchen, where he was heating up oatmeal, the jacket with the strange combination of grey, brown, and blue draped over one of the nearby chairs.
Eder was impatient still, but Ark seemed to know what he was doing, stirring it to make sure it had the right consistency then adding extra cinnamon to it. Despite the circumstance, Eder smiled a little- Toby always complained that the premade mix tasted fake.Â
It was one of the few things Skully agreed with him on.
Ark dumped it into a thermos while Eder grabbed a napkin and spoon. Unthinking he drapped the jacket over his arm while Ark screwed on the lid.
"He does not have a hat." It was an absurd thought to have now of all times.
"Does not need one. He prefers his hood." Still, Ark treated it the same way he would have in any other situation.
Eder made a noise of agreement before leaving the kitchen.Â
Toby was exactly where Ark said he would be. Between the two goats, unlike last time they found themselves here though he was awake, petting the goats and speaking quietly to them.Â
The motion froze as he heard something grab the door. He flinched when it was pulled open, the quiet peace he had found finally shattered
Shit did they hate to see that.Â
Ark stepped in first, accepting the jacket that was handed to him as he walked by his husband. He was slow, too much like approaching a cornered animal.
Toby hated it, but a bitter part of him thought it was only fair. He had acted like one, and he had caused hurt because of it.
"Can I come closer?" His voice was flat, hard to read. It always was.
"Doesn't matter." Toby didn't feel up to longer statements.
Ark frowned and stayed where he was. "It does."
"Why?" Fuck Toby hated how he struggled with w's. How it made him feel the same way he did two years ago. Just as cornered.
Ark frowned. Was he afraid of them? "You already know the answer to that." Because they wanted to respect his boundaries. Wanted him to be comfortable. They didn't want him to constantly shut down the way he had for the first few months he had lived there.
But they would never berate him if he did.
"I don't. You should just- you should have just let Skully kill me day one."Â
Ark frowned, glancing at Eder whoâs expression mirrored his. He wasnât aware Toby knew anything about that.
âWas not an option then, is not an option now.â
Toby was silent, shoulders pulling up to his ears sharply twice, then finally, âYou can be closer.â
He heard Ark step closer then settle a few feet from the goats. âBrought your jacket.â He said simply.
Toby accepted it when it was held out to him, pulling it on. He felt surprisingly better feeling it around him. âCan we go inside?â He asked after a few moments of silence.
Ark agreed, offering a hand which was ignored by Toby. It returned to his side as he watched Toby glance at the barn doors, then positioned himself opposite of the side he could see Ederâs shadow on.
Ark frowned but said nothing.
"Tell him I changed the hay- for the goats."
Ark paused at the door while Toby walked toward the house, pace quicker for the first few meters.Â
Eder watched him go "Should I stay away?" He asked, then flinched as Toby spoke from across the yard.
"No, it's fine."Â
Eder looked a little guilty in his direction. The look he gave Ark though was clear.Â
'Tell me if that changes.'
Ark felt guilty having to be the bridge between them but he understood both of their hesitancy. Eder could tell Toby was afraid of him, didn't want to make him feel cornered. Toby was waiting for the other shoe to drop- that is, he didn't expect Eder not to retaliate. Ironic considering if it had happened four months earlier it would have been Ark retaliating.
Eder met them in the kitchen after feeding the goats and changing their water, quicker than he normally would have. He was glad to see that the thermos was empty in the sink. Before he could settle into the open chair at the table Toby spoke up again.Â
"Can we go back to bed?"
Eder nodded. He wanted to say he didn't have to ask, instead he simply said "Of course."
Toby paused at their doorway, a question in his eye he didn't get to voice as Ark walked in, hand still surrounded by Toby's.
"It's stupid." Toby frowned, toeing off his shoes.
Eder shrugged "Nothing stupid about wanting physical comfort."Â
It was overlapped by Ark's "If it is not stupid to the goats it is not stupid to us."Â
Toby thought it was too warm for blankets but Eder disagreed, though he tried to keep it off the teen.
Toby sighed, finally feeling safe between the two men he had been learning to trust. "I'm sorry." His voice was quiet but didn't hold the tremble and desperation it used to when he would say that phrase. For once he didn't expect harsh words of condemnation he usually got, despite others wanting to hear him apologize. Wanting the ammunition to beat him down as far as they could.
For the first time he got a hum of acknowledgement "Not your fault."
Toby wanted to argue- it was his hands who did it. But even Eder knew him better than Toby had given him credit for. "I am not going to hold you accountable for fears you do not have control over. You did not know where you were or who we were. That is not your fault."
Vent fic below cut. Warning for drug use, and probably ptsd. Brief mentions of past hospitilization, and mentions of vomit.
The tldr is that Eder is going fucking through it and for now he gets no comfort.
The worst part about it was that Eder knew it was stupid. Had seen how it could negatively impact someone first hand. How it could effect everyone around oneself. And yet, despite having a life he had not even once imagined. Despite being alive, and loved, and having his own to take care of. Something always nagged at him, a deep ravenous pit, that called.
He didn't know if it was the lasting effects of The Ark. The deep seated selfness, the feeling that no matter what you didn't belong. Until it finally chipped away at you and brought you to the pit's edge.
Or in Eder's case to a back alleyway, a place Brian had been to a few times once he was released from the hospital and before he skipped town for a place where there were no trees. Maybe Brian did have the right idea by staying high off his ass for 8 months before things had gotten so bad a combination of Eder and at the time their neighbor got him clean.
Eder knew exactly how stupid it was. Yet he still flicked the syringe twice before plunging it into his veins. And surprisingly everything was fine for a while, fine enough that he had begun the trek back home- beginning with worry that he had made the biggest mistake he'd made in years which then petered out to relief because well. Nothing was happening.
And then his vision would tilt from time to time. He paid it little mind until it became intense enough that he had to sit for a moment and close his eyes just to reorient. He didn't feel great, but he did need to get home. He opened his eyes, able to focus on the trees around him. Okay, this was fine. He lived in the woods. He knew that. He blinked. Wait no. He lived in a house in the woods not in the woods. He needed to remember that. It was an important distinction. He felt his heartbeat speed up. His focus was lacking.
"Huge surprise there" a voice in the back of his head supplied, though with far more bitterness and disgust than Eder had felt in years. He shook his head, swiping at it ever so lightly, trying to dispel the thoughts that were his but were not.
He breathed deeply. He needed to get home. The world tilted. How was he going to get home? He knew it was up this road but. He had no idea how he was going to actually make it up there. And what he would do once he was there. "Be berated for being an idiot" his brain supplied again.Â
Everything had been going too well. This would probably be the final straw then, what finally got him abandoned. He shook his head. No. That's what it wanted him to think. Fuck. If he couldn't even control his thoughts how was he going to be able to fend it off.
His heart sped up. This was a bad idea. This was a bad idea.Â
"Breathe." A voice that was not his own. That he hadn't heard in years. Despite still being on the side of the road he forced himself to take in a ragged breath, hold it then release it.
Mentally he was kneeling in a dark bathroom, light only coming in through the frosted window. Making shadows larger, and everything deeper. He was hundreds of miles away, years ago, but a warm hand was on his shoulder, another combing gently through his hair. It wasn't nearly long enough to worry about it picking up his vomit, the gesture was purely for his comfort.
He shook violently. He was too hot yet too cold at the same time. Everything was blurred but the gentle voice encouraged him through it. The steady hand on shoulder despite everything else in his world shaking.
"Breathe, son." Eder didn't really understand the words she used to say it at the time, but he later asked, and came to appreciate the endearment. She never used it with Brian. She somehow always knew he wasn't.Â
"This part is the hardest. You just have to get through it. Remember why you're doing it."
It had been for Brian at the time. He had been taking them off this bullshit. His purpose at the time had been to protect, but now he barely seemed able to protect himself. Now he had indulged in the same thing Brian had been for stupid selfish reasons. At least Brian had semi- legitimate reasons to want to escape his reality. He shook. Forced himself to breathe in again. He hadn't realized he had been forgetting to.
He remembered the kindness she had shown the one time Brian managed to get something in the house and into their system. Brian hadn't known fully about her help in getting him clean until that day. He knew she would understand. But forgiveness came for those who deserved it, like Brian. He breathed. He wasn't Brian. He didn't deserve it from her, or anyone else. He wouldn't get it from-
The image of a mask flashed in front of his face briefly. Red details on black, similar to his own. Fuck he is a disappointment. He breathed. Shaking, he got to his feet and veered off into the woods. He knew it was a bad idea but he just couldn't. Couldn't face him. His fuck ups never should have been Ark's responsibility in the first place. Yet they always were. And he knew there was retribution for them. Ark always hid the consequences he faced from him. Once given by the operator nowâŠgiven by himself.
He'd seen Ark spiral. He didn't need to contribute to that. He noted his legs shook slightly as he tramped through the woods, legs far heavier than they should have been. Yet he knew he'd find his destination, even out of control of his own mind. He'd found his way home with no problems before though usually it wasn't nearly as self inflicted.Â
Stupid he reminded himself. Eventually the woods cleared out a bit and he found himself staring at railroad tracks. He breathed. He was tired. This was familiar, and he remembered it being safe enough- though it was only about the halfway point to where he wished to be.
Dark, enclosed, safe. No one could sneak up on him in the maintenance tunnels and if anyone tried to help well.
He was doing them a favor by fending them off.
"A wild animal." is what Eder had heard doctors refer to Brian as while they talked, hushed, but not hushed enough while he lay strapped to the hospital bed for his "own safety." Didn't they understand that they were in danger? Both Brian and Eder and everyone near them? That they needed to run? Even when Brian's spine wouldn't be nearly enough to support them?Â
And maybe they were right. Eder was nothing more than a wild dog, even as he played at domestication. He knew that it was only a matter of time until he was left again for something better. More evenly tempered.Â
But now he noted, he was tired, even as he continued to move after settling down near a tree where the base was covered in brush. Involuntary muscle twitches made their way around his back, limbs randomly tensing then releasing out of his control.Â
Even feral animals needed rest, and his eyes momentarily slipped closed.
He woke up to darkness, and what wasn't actually pain, but was just an awful feeling. Like everything shook minutely even as he was only planting his hands on his sides to reorient himself into sitting up.Â
He went slowly, breathing heavily as he sat up and keened softly. He felt queasy, out of control of his own body, and a deep nagging guilt. More intense than it was when he sought out his high.Â
He fucked up. He knew it, and partially hoped the tree would consume himâŠwhich if he stayed here too long then it might actually happen. He breathed deeply, three times, forcing himself up on the third exhale. It was time to face the consequences. He only hoped he could hide it from both the kids. Ark, he had no hope of hiding this from. He was sure his eyes were still messed up, he probably looked awful in a way he was scared to guess, and he wouldn't be surprised if he threw up at least once on the way home.
With resignation he began walking along the railroad tracks, in what he hoped was the direction of where they crossed the road to their home.
With some reluctance he pulled out his phone, turning it on, squinting at the bright light then forcing it into his pocket once the on animation began to run. He dreaded what he would find.Â
Guilt washed over him at the sight of his screensaver. Ark, smiling gently at Sunny- it was an older photo, from before Lil and Toby. Eder spent little time reflecting on it though, quickly typing in his pass code and pulling up his contacts so he didn't have to think about the disappointment he'd find in his husband's eyes upon his return home.Â
He was halfway through typing a text to Skully when the texts he had missed started to appear on the top screen.
He stuttered in a breath.Â
Ark đ: While you are out can you pick up some canned pumpkin? Lil is planning something.
Ark đ: Darling, are you okay? You have been out awhile?
Ark đ: Eder? Are you still in town?
Ark đ: Eder? Where are you??
Ark đ: Brian and I are coming out to look for you.
His eyes welled up. Stupid, the voice insisted on reminding him, but it wasn't as anger filled as before. It was his own again. How could you think you were alone?
He sent out his message to Skully.
Eder: I fucked up. Coordinates below.
Skully đ±: I Saw. Forwarding to Ark. Bringing Brian home.
That at least, was a mild relief. He walked to the road, then sat once he found it.
He wasn't waiting long. Headlights appeared, coming from town, going much faster than they normally would have taken the dirt road. It stopped rapidly once he was within light sight, the brakes squeaking as it came to a stop. Ark didn't even turn off the engine before pushing open the door, and coming to kneel at Eder's side.
Before Eder could stand, hands were on him, shoulders first, then sides, coming back to his head briefly, before returning to his shoulders. Eder knew it was an injury check, though it was a quick one.Â
He wondered if it was also a reality check.Â
"Eder." Eders attention came back to Ark before he could spiral into thought. "I asked if you are okay."
Spiral too far into thought.
Rather than give a real answer Eder just shrugged "Can we just go home?"
Ark frowned, but agreed by beginning to stand up, arms naturally bringing Eder up with him.
"You are not injured are you?" He asked once they were fully standing, eyes wandering over him then his legs now that they were more visible. The visual injury check. Eder expected at least 3 more of those even with reassurance.
"No." Eder answered truthfully. Beginning to walk to the passenger side of the vehicle. He knew there would be no escape to the backseat. Too out of view when Ark was this worried. Ark walked with him, arms still supporting him, which Eder didn't need per say but the contact was nice. Though Eder knew Ark must've felt the tremors running through him.
This was confirmed when Ark eventually got into the vehicle after Eder had settled. His hand immediately cranked up the heat. Eder frowned, reaching out. He noted his fingers were still trembling. He turned it to a more tolerable middle ground. Ark glanced at him, but left it. The vehicle began to move. Everything stayed still then suddenly snapped into place, brain taking a moment still to react to the stimulus.
Eder rubbed a hand across his right eyebrow, closing his eyes, before the hand ran through his hair. He kept his eyes shut.
He missed Ark looking at him out of the corner of his eye. "You could have told me you were sick." It sounded guilty. Eder kind of wished it was accusatory. "I would have got you." He felt his stomach clench. Not from the moving vehicle.
"It wasn't that."Â
He kept his eyes closed, yet he could hear the frown and confusion in Ark's voice.Â
"What was it then?"
Eder wanted to hide. Wanted to keep it a secret, but the side of him that had grown stronger in the past few years, despite this slip up, then nudged him gently. You are loved. Tell him.Â
He breathed in, then out. Brought his hands from his head to his left sleeve and pulled it up just above the elbow. Keeping his eyes closed he put the uncovered skin on the center console. He forced himself to breathe, to keep doing just that as he felt the car come to a stop, as heard the cabin lights flick on, and could see the light even behind his closed lids.
He kept breathing even as he felt fingers inspect the arm, knowing Ark found it when he heard a sharp inhale, then a far too gentle.Â
"Oh, loveâŠ" the hand that had been prodding him slipped between his fingers. Stayed.
Vent fic below cut. Warning for drug use, and probably ptsd. Brief mentions of past hospitilization, and mentions of vomit.
The tldr is that Eder is going fucking through it and for now he gets no comfort.
The worst part about it was that Eder knew it was stupid. Had seen how it could negatively impact someone first hand. How it could effect everyone around oneself. And yet, despite having a life he had not even once imagined. Despite being alive, and loved, and having his own to take care of. Something always nagged at him, a deep ravenous pit, that called.
He didn't know if it was the lasting effects of The Ark. The deep seated selfness, the feeling that no matter what you didn't belong. Until it finally chipped away at you and brought you to the pit's edge.
Or in Eder's case to a back alleyway, a place Brian had been to a few times once he was released from the hospital and before he skipped town for a place where there were no trees. Maybe Brian did have the right idea by staying high off his ass for 8 months before things had gotten so bad a combination of Eder and at the time their neighbor got him clean.
Eder knew exactly how stupid it was. Yet he still flicked the syringe twice before plunging it into his veins. And surprisingly everything was fine for a while, fine enough that he had begun the trek back home- beginning with worry that he had made the biggest mistake he'd made in years which then petered out to relief because well. Nothing was happening.
And then his vision would tilt from time to time. He paid it little mind until it became intense enough that he had to sit for a moment and close his eyes just to reorient. He didn't feel great, but he did need to get home. He opened his eyes, able to focus on the trees around him. Okay, this was fine. He lived in the woods. He knew that. He blinked. Wait no. He lived in a house in the woods not in the woods. He needed to remember that. It was an important distinction. He felt his heartbeat speed up. His focus was lacking.
"Huge surprise there" a voice in the back of his head supplied, though with far more bitterness and disgust than Eder had felt in years. He shook his head, swiping at it ever so lightly, trying to dispel the thoughts that were his but were not.
He breathed deeply. He needed to get home. The world tilted. How was he going to get home? He knew it was up this road but. He had no idea how he was going to actually make it up there. And what he would do once he was there. "Be berated for being an idiot" his brain supplied again.Â
Everything had been going too well. This would probably be the final straw then, what finally got him abandoned. He shook his head. No. That's what it wanted him to think. Fuck. If he couldn't even control his thoughts how was he going to be able to fend it off.
His heart sped up. This was a bad idea. This was a bad idea.Â
"Breathe." A voice that was not his own. That he hadn't heard in years. Despite still being on the side of the road he forced himself to take in a ragged breath, hold it then release it.
Mentally he was kneeling in a dark bathroom, light only coming in through the frosted window. Making shadows larger, and everything deeper. He was hundreds of miles away, years ago, but a warm hand was on his shoulder, another combing gently through his hair. It wasn't nearly long enough to worry about it picking up his vomit, the gesture was purely for his comfort.
He shook violently. He was too hot yet too cold at the same time. Everything was blurred but the gentle voice encouraged him through it. The steady hand on shoulder despite everything else in his world shaking.
"Breathe, son." Eder didn't really understand the words she used to say it at the time, but he later asked, and came to appreciate the endearment. She never used it with Brian. She somehow always knew he wasn't.Â
"This part is the hardest. You just have to get through it. Remember why you're doing it."
It had been for Brian at the time. He had been taking them off this bullshit. His purpose at the time had been to protect, but now he barely seemed able to protect himself. Now he had indulged in the same thing Brian had been for stupid selfish reasons. At least Brian had semi- legitimate reasons to want to escape his reality. He shook. Forced himself to breathe in again. He hadn't realized he had been forgetting to.
He remembered the kindness she had shown the one time Brian managed to get something in the house and into their system. Brian hadn't known fully about her help in getting him clean until that day. He knew she would understand. But forgiveness came for those who deserved it, like Brian. He breathed. He wasn't Brian. He didn't deserve it from her, or anyone else. He wouldn't get it from-
The image of a mask flashed in front of his face briefly. Red details on black, similar to his own. Fuck he is a disappointment. He breathed. Shaking, he got to his feet and veered off into the woods. He knew it was a bad idea but he just couldn't. Couldn't face him. His fuck ups never should have been Ark's responsibility in the first place. Yet they always were. And he knew there was retribution for them. Ark always hid the consequences he faced from him. Once given by the operator nowâŠgiven by himself.
He'd seen Ark spiral. He didn't need to contribute to that. He noted his legs shook slightly as he tramped through the woods, legs far heavier than they should have been. Yet he knew he'd find his destination, even out of control of his own mind. He'd found his way home with no problems before though usually it wasn't nearly as self inflicted.Â
Stupid he reminded himself. Eventually the woods cleared out a bit and he found himself staring at railroad tracks. He breathed. He was tired. This was familiar, and he remembered it being safe enough- though it was only about the halfway point to where he wished to be.
Dark, enclosed, safe. No one could sneak up on him in the maintenance tunnels and if anyone tried to help well.
He was doing them a favor by fending them off.
"A wild animal." is what Eder had heard doctors refer to Brian as while they talked, hushed, but not hushed enough while he lay strapped to the hospital bed for his "own safety." Didn't they understand that they were in danger? Both Brian and Eder and everyone near them? That they needed to run? Even when Brian's spine wouldn't be nearly enough to support them?Â
And maybe they were right. Eder was nothing more than a wild dog, even as he played at domestication. He knew that it was only a matter of time until he was left again for something better. More evenly tempered.Â
But now he noted, he was tired, even as he continued to move after settling down near a tree where the base was covered in brush. Involuntary muscle twitches made their way around his back, limbs randomly tensing then releasing out of his control.Â
Even feral animals needed rest, and his eyes momentarily slipped closed.
Itâs finally time! These are your official prompts for AI-less Whumptober 2023! We have 31 days of wonderful whump prompts. Each day has a set of 3 different prompts to choose from! Alternative prompts will be posted under the cut.
Happy whumping!
Here are the alternative prompts for AI-less Whumptober 2023! There is one alternative prompt for every day in October.
origamiaround
yousharknotpass
dailybridgerton
stormborns
snowghoul