Enquire to a GENTLEMAN

The best ghostly thief on this side of the Mississippi.

[askgentlemanghost]

Happy Pride Month, Mr. Ghost! 🏳️‍🌈

Best wishes to you, as well.

[chemighoul]

How do you feel about non-human members of the ‘rogues gallery’? Ghosts, like the Gentleman Ghost, or animals, like Man-Bat or Croc (and I’ve heard rumors about Firefly).

What about the Floronic Man? Swamp Thing?

I’m not sure what part of ‘meat is meat’ confuses you, but I do not especially care how animalistic the capitalistic polluters are, mulch is their only penance. Especially the pyromaniac’s.

As for the Ghost, I can’t say I’m enthusiastic about his continued perpetuation of Gaia’s massacre through his postmortem indulgences; but I’m uncertain how to… stop. Him. … Yet.

Those last two I’ve never heard of, isn’t the swamp thing from one of the old black and white horror movies? Suffice to say; I don’t care.

The repetitive nature of your inquiries is getting irksome. It’s time to acknowledge Crane’s frantic texts, I think.

[askgentlemanghost]

Pardonnez-moi, dear lady, for the fact that some of us find it hard to satisfy our need for “postmortem indulgences” with the company of vegetables.

What would you have me do? Get an ear of corn and perform my best pantomime of a repressed farmer’s daughter?

[askgentlemanghost]

What do you even spend the money you steal on? I don’t imagine being a ghost is an expensive lifestyle (unless ghost rent is a thing??)

I’ve cheated death, I’ve cheated taxes, both sure things in life, but the fact of the matter is that dying will not keep you from the claws of those you owe debts too— especially if you’ve accrued those debts after you have passed from this mortal plane. I’ve always enjoyed betting on horse races, but I am not, as one might expect from such an illustrious gambler, the most accurate pick for a winning racer. There’s something of a humdrum routine in my afterlife: borrow money from Squire Shade on a “sure thing”, lose- I am certain that he fixes them, mark my words, I know he does- and have to pay it back three times what I took or have an Nth metal-wielding demon repossess my ectoplasmic remains. You’d think after the cycle repeated so often- after the constant throat-clearing and knuckle-rapping from Shade over late payments- I would learn my lesson, but the thrill of victory always surmounts my common sense. I always was an “instincts first” kind of gentleman, because if you aren’t opportunity may pass you by, just as misfortune will occasionally deign to visit…

And, of course, I have living souls whom I associate with that enjoy spending money on their own earthly delights. I enjoy facilitating this enjoyment, for entirely altruistic reasons. The fact that these individuals are inclined to let me get close and intimate with their warm, living flesh after the exchange of payment is merely a side-effect, an unintended happy benefit…

Mmmh…

[askgentlemanghost]

Mr. Craddock so if were to date someone I would suggest another criminal someone like Chairface Chippendale he is old fashioned lie you so I feel like you would be a great pair.

I appreciate your effort to play matchmaker, my little ghast, and this is an excellent suggestion, with one caveat… While his sense of style does complement my own, and his surfeit of wealth is more than enticing, I regret to tell you that Mr. Chippendale has a moon-sized ego and that simply makes him incompatible with someone like me.

I only have room for one diva in my unlife; whomever I share my spiritual afterworld with shall simply have to be calm, sensible, and modest, or at least, modest enough to not carve their name into a celestial body.

… And I’m not keen on a tongue full of splinters, even if I am comprised of an ectoplasmic slime…

[askgentlemanghost]

Necromancy is overrated.

[life-after-laughter]

The blog info is under construction, but my Askbox is open!

Current Arc: Arkham Inmate

[chemighoul]

Why the Halloween gimmick, anyway? Tribute to the late & great scarecrow? The former appellation being in your time, of course…

(And perhaps mine— the world is lonely for the time-travelled, isn’t it?)

It makes me happy.

You see…

Halloween is the one day a year

Where you have a chance to be anything but yourself for an evening.

[askgentlemanghost]

There's a giant bat behind you.

Unless the bat is magical, spectral, or otherwise harmful to the spirit world in nature, it is the problem of someone else.

And someone else after Halloween, don't you think? For now, it goes with the scenery.

[askgentlemanghost]

What about steed's interaction with shade's mares?

[Distant Arguing]

Gentleman Ghost: -- my night this -- hear -- me, a bad time -- Shade --

Squire Shade: -- upset -- much right as anyone -- Crane -- ?? Horses -- ?

Gentleman Ghost: STEED, YOU REMOVE YOURSELF FROM THAT HARLOT AT ONCE!

[askgentlemanghost]

Soo you,a ghost, can have sex?? HOW??! I've seen that corpses get boners, and yours is kinda preserved.

Is that how it works?

Does that mean when Nth metal touches as shows your "true form" you are always with a raging...

Far be it from me to be prudish, but I think the less detail I engage in the better.

Yes, it's complicated, no, and no, in that order.

I am in equal measure delighted and disturbed that people in this century think that you can inquire about such things with complete and perfect strangers.

[askgentlemanghost]

i dont know if this has been asked yet but GG I must know, have you encountered Hawkman yet? If so do you two get along as well as expected?

[Shadow-Thief]: Call.

[Squire Shade]: Raise.

[Gentleman Ghost]: Hold on a moment, dear fellows, that silly little device that my darling Edward gave me is making one of its little irritating chirps ...

...Oh, I have an inquiry about Hawkman.

[The Shade]: Oh, let's not get started about Hawkman tonight. Someone's still bitter over--

[Shadow-Thief]: Shut up, Shade. What about him, Craddock?

[Gentleman Ghost:] It's asking if I've had the pleasure of his acquaintance, and if so, how well I get along with him. As you three are aware, I do know the fellow-- the big bird-man with wings and a rather crude Nth-metal cudgel as his primary weapon. I avoid him like the plague, when possible-- I thwarted his chance at love some years ago by stealing the heart of his woman, and he's still sore over it.

[Shadow-Thief]: Life.

[Gentleman Ghost]: Eh?

[Shadow-Thief]: You stole her life, not her heart.

[Gentleman Ghost]: Oh, yes, I do believe you are right. It's all semantics to me, anyhow.

[Squire Shade]: Richard. Call, raise, or fold.

[The Shade]: Oh, yes, yes...

[alchemicalterror]

An invitation lays on the desk.

Oh, that’s odd. That wasn’t there before… or was it?

The envelope in question is creamy-white, made of a pulpy, scratchy paper. Impossibly elegant handwriting, with bold, calligraphed lines reads JONATHAN CRANE in the absolutely perfect center.

The letter itself is cold to the touch, noticeably so compared to the rest of the room. The back of the envelope is sealed with mauve wax; a stamp has been pressed into it, leaving behind a complicated coat of arms depicting a lantern, a horse’s skull, and a twisted garland of thorny tendrils encircling them both.

There is a simple slip of thick paper inside the letter — jet-black, almost seeming to absorb the light around it when the rays have the misfortune of getting near. It almost hurts to look at.

Despite the darkness of the card, neat silver script still glints on the paper. It’s the same handwriting as on the envelope, extravagant in the painstaking care taken in ensuring its frills.

THIS INVITATION IS GOOD FOR ONE ENTRY TO THE NIGHTMARE COACH. SEE YOU IN YOUR SCREAMS!

The letter has a sense of dramatic timing; as soon as the words are comprehended by their intended reader, it sets alight. Purple flame- curiously cool, as a tongue of fire manages to lap at the fingers of the reader before the letter is hurriedly dropped- licks eagerly along the body of the letter and card, making the paper contort and writhe like a pained beast. All that remains, shortly, is a pile of snowflake-cold cinders on the desktop.

See you in your screams, indeed.

[askgentlemanghost]

Your delight horrifies and confounds me, Doctor. Nevertheless, I hope Shade gives you all you’re seeking, and more.

[askgentlemanghost]

Happy Pride Month! If you don't mind, will you share with us how you identify?

Show me a woman of marrying age, and I'll show her a good time.

Men I'm a little more, mmm, selective with, but the Gentleman Ghost does not discriminate against romantic or sexual partners by their sex.

[askgentlemanghost]

What things do you like and dislike the most about present times? I’m interested to hear you opinion

I’ve seen two indisputable upsides to the modern times: 

The Internet, and by consequence, more readily available titillating content. (Thank you for your assistance in setting it up for me, Edward!) 

As for the downsides, I have a volunteer who tried to stop me from robbing him earlier this morning. Just a second...

Uff. I swear, people have gotten heavier over the century. Regardless...

... just look at this. Ugh. Isn’t it absolutely dreadful? Those hideous “frosted tips”, as the fashion magazines call them; the scraggly wisp of chin-beard, like a pubescent's sad attempt to prove he’s matured; the pointless fingerless gloves that completely clash with the rest of the outfit; the chunky sunglasses that do nothing to add to the overall aesthetic; the striped silk shirt and stupid golden chain, like he’s a don that tried to buy his way into a chain gang! 

(Well, I took the chain, but you know what I mean.)

Male fashion in modern times is horrific. I’ve despised the path it began ever since the nineteen sixties, and it’s only gone downhill since. 

[askgentlemanghost]

How’d it go with Dr. Crane?? Did you get the Nth metal back?

I'll answer the second first:

No.

As for the latter question: I found Doctor Crane to be an altogether pleasant, refreshingly mature, and charismatic individual. We had discussions-- ones that I did not find particularly painless, mark you, but needed to hear nevertheless.

Let men cower in witless terror in his wake; let them cry in fear upon witnessing his shadow; witness them tighten their fists as he passes in anticipation of his ill deeds: I know him better than that, now. My contrite heart bleeds for the pre-judgments I rendered upon the doctor, and the rudeness that I delivered to him without fully understanding his amiable, disquisitive nature, or the true yet obfuscated circumstances of our meeting.

He-he-he. Watch out, Squire Shade.

[tearsovercaprisuns-deactivated2]

how is the kentucky derby not trending on here?? the horse with the lowest odds wins and immediately starts biting everything in its sight, that sounds like a tumblr legend to me

[sneakyspades]

oh my fucking god

[phantom-cosmos]

This horse wasn’t even supposed to be in the race. Horse number 20 (can’t remember it’s name) dropped out the day before for whatever reason, and Rich Strike was just barely able to sneak a spot into the derby before the deadline. Not to mention that this was just some garbage $30,000 horse that didn’t have any kind of impressive breeding (yes I am aware $30k is still a lot, but for a Kentucky Derby horse, that’s chump change). He was the second biggest upset in the history of the Derby, with one other horse (Donerail) winning with 91-1 odds before in 1913 (Which, for reference, I’m pretty sure Donerail with his 91-1 odds still holds the record for the worst odds in the history of the race. Just for context of how shit Rich Strike’s 80-1 odds were. Not THE worst, but definitely up there).

I am in love with this shit horse who wasn’t even supposed to be there, had some of the worst odds in the history of the race, and had the worst starting position who completely destroyed all of the favorites to win. Watching him come up to first right at the last second was THRILLING.

[hyperspacial]

how are you not going to post Rich Strike Chomping Leg.

[alchemicalterror]

I love your black nail polish! It gives off "low-key goth" vibes.

Yes, very low key, not at all dictated by workplace dress standards.

I paint ‘em.