THAT ADRIEN & CLAW SCENE..... that steals my breath honestly. adrien has the courage to face himself--pretty much the most side of him that could have won him over: full of grief and misery and shutting himself up inside and putting up barriers. like that's his vulnerable beauty!! is that adrien claws and digs and tries his BEST to be optimistic, to move forward, to move past all that which could crumble him. we've seen him in kuro neko and jubilation (I think? depression nest adrien you know?) where he succumbs and lays in bed and curls into himself.
and the fact he is looking at Claw through all of this, but looks away right when he says "I can't say I haven't thought about it" because it's shameful! ladybug is his partner and the love of his life and STILL he's thought about different scenarios. probably multiple times. that probably leaves him feeling so guilty for even entertaining the idea. he can admit many things to himself, but this one is hard.
and we know it will STILL plagues him after this, when he talks about the idea directly to ladybug in passion.
and that gentle little nod he gives himself... like yes, our mother. yes, I know every horrible thing that's in your heart because it is mine, too. he's just so gentle with himself, it's so endearing to me. it's a kind of fragile care with yourself when you've had the same conversation over and over again and it's tired and it's a bruise that you keep going back to, checking on it, tending to it, and yet that's just how grief is.
"I'm as well as I can be, anyway" HELLO? I mean we already thought of him as coping in multiple ways, but this means everything to me?? our adrien decides every day to try again, try to be happy as emilie wanted him to be.
(will he always settle? will he always feel there's a baseline? as well as I can be, anyway.....)
this is art, to me. hang this up. core adrien moment for me.
and then I realize that he has ALL this hope for himself, all this acceptance of that hate and grief and sorrow could manifest through him like this...
and then how by the end of s5, he's TERRIFIED of becoming the chat noir in his nightmares.
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