Ask Sam Cassidy

I worked for years as Malcolm Tucker's PA. Feel free to ask me anything you'd like. (This is an RP blog. I have no claims to this character or any other aspect of The Thick of It.)

[askmalcolmtucker]

You should grow a beard. I think that would be fucking sexy.

Sam objects to that. Oral with a beard feels like being rubbed with fucking sandpaper.

[asksamcassidy]

It would look sexy, but I have my priorities straight.

[askmalcolmtucker]

You've been awfully quiet.. what's up?

My fucking knob

[asksamcassidy]

We could do something about that if you'd like.

[askmalcolmtucker]

At least your dogs don't try to get in on the fun. If I don't kick him out my staffie tries to hump my leg when I'm shagging my boyfriend. Yes, we did cut his nads off. No, that didn't stop him. The patterdale, however, merely stands by the door and vibrates worriedly, but to be fair he vibrates worriedly all the time.

If 5 ton of fucking dog that is Shep tried tae get in on the action then I’d be another fucking statistic in the A&E department due to every bone in my skinny body being crushed tae fuck.

No. It wasn’t *my* fucking idea to get a dog that weighs more than the Thames Flood Barrier.

[asksamcassidy]

You wouldn't trade Shep for anything.

[asksamcassidy]

Xmas plans. We stay in, lock the dogs in another room an' I fuck ye silly - Malc.x

I have a new pair of red stockings I've been saving for a special occasion. 

[askmalcolmtucker]

*leaves a sacrifice of virgin olive oil on your doorstep*

It was funny as fuck watching all the trick and treaters go arse over tit on that oil slick. Nice one.

[asksamcassidy]

The dogs have been licking the step for the past 20 minutes.

[captryanclark]

Malcolm “Tux” Tucker a.k.a Scottish James Bond The Thick of It - 3x3 [6/x]

[the-crazy-geek]

And lets have some Malcolm in a tux that I’d love to rip off him and jump on that bed and ravish him senseless ahem because reasons

[asksamcassidy]

He does look good in a tux.

[asksamcassidy]

No more dogs after these two though. Unless ye can figure out a way to lash them to the front of the merc so I can save on peterol. - Malc.x

We have enough dog to make a dozen dogs, so you are probably right. 

[askmalcolmtucker]

Where are the bodies buried, Malcolm? You can whisper in my ear.

You have tae ask Jamie or Sam for that one, my ancient auld memory can’t remember.

I’d make sure you’re up to date on tetanus shots before asking wee Jamie though.

[asksamcassidy]

Mostly we dissolved the bodies.

[askmalcolmtucker]

Do you want a hug? I feel that all you really want is a hug.

Were you thrown at walls a lot as a kid?

[asksamcassidy]

Rule #1: Do not touch the Malcolm.

[askmalcolmtucker]

Do you ever regret never having a family?

No. I regret fucking nothing.

Ever.

[asksamcassidy]

I think the dogs are all the family we can handle.

[asksamcassidy]

It's been a long time since I posted a dog update. Despite Malcolm's best efforts, Shep remains completely unHellhound-like. Jamie's a bit of a softie as well (mostly). 

[askmalcolmtucker]

What a bastard you are. Albeit a justified one. I just wanted to say that, in between moments of wanting to shank you with a straight razor, I appreciate the fact that you keep shit running in a lovely, runny, brown flow.

Sweet talk like that just gets me all turned on ye know.

[asksamcassidy]

Down, boy.

[askmalcolmtucker]

I'm taking the beasts to the park to burn off some of their energy. Care to join us? -- S. xx.

Do I get coffee? I’d fucking show my hairy balls tae Murray right now if it got me a fucking coffee.

Stop lookin’ fucking innocent too - I know your fucking game love. You get that young bouncy golden retriever tae walk and get adoring eyes at, and I get dragged down the fucking round by 3 tons of fucking Mountain Dog.

[asksamcassidy]

You can have all the coffee you desire, but yes you are in charge of Shep.

I am sure I can come up with a satisfactory way to make it up to you later.

[askmalcolmtucker]

Fucking evil woman. Why do I put up with all this? I fucking ache like I been in the pub fights with Jamie. That dog, that fucking dog pulled me straight over on tae my face in front of a load of fucking jobless twats with camera phones.

And don’t think I didn’t hear you laughing.

[asksamcassidy]

I was laughing rather loudly. 

How about a nice hot shower? And maybe some company of the non-canine variety?

[askmalcolmtucker]

I'm taking the beasts to the park to burn off some of their energy. Care to join us? -- S. xx.

Do I get coffee? I’d fucking show my hairy balls tae Murray right now if it got me a fucking coffee.

Stop lookin’ fucking innocent too - I know your fucking game love. You get that young bouncy golden retriever tae walk and get adoring eyes at, and I get dragged down the fucking round by 3 tons of fucking Mountain Dog.

[asksamcassidy]

You can have all the coffee you desire, but yes you are in charge of Shep.

I am sure I can come up with a satisfactory way to make it up to you later.

[asksamcassidy]

Jesus I'm glad I'm retired. If we still worked at that fucking pit I'd be taking ye twice a day in cupboards all over Westminster. - Malc.x

We'd have caused quite the scandal. 

[asksamcassidy]

'old'?! Fucking OLD?! You're no' supposed to agree with these fucks ye know. By the way, Jamie just shat in ye shoes. - Malc.x

I said I was lucky, didn't I? Age breeds experience. 

[asksamcassidy]

he's a randy one isn't he for an old man

I'm very lucky.