My dreams were encouraging and accusatory last night, and Anastasia was quite similar. She is never truly an aggressor, but I seldom hear her thoughts on me, and these were passionate.
Anastasia and I had been chatting about how small I am in the universe. Zooming out of my bed, my house, my town, my city, my state, my country, my hemisphere, world, and I took note of how without any orbital lines the planets looked like someone had thrown marbles onto a starry desk, and Anastasia said we could be traveling forever with no set destination and never get anywhere or see the end.
But we came upon a star in our path, and she explained it was okay, and that we were going to go right through it unscathed. Of course this is the case, but your conscious can't help but to think of everything as a video game and say "dodge the great fiery ball careening towards you and an eternal panther floating impossibly in the space above earth."
Anastasia walked me through a guided meditation as we passed through the star, simply reminding to relax and focus on the color of the star and the feeling of the blood rushing through my veins and the energy a star must emit and that the same molecules make up humans and everything else that lives.
Finally, she said I was at a state of peace enough to ask her anything that I wished. I had started off by blurting out that I knew I was standing still out of fear like I always do, despite knowing exactly what I wanted to do and some general options or sources of ideas on how to do it.
My fears of being stuck in this endless loop of part time day jobs trying to convince myself I will be able to have one foot in both doors and propel my art career forward. I know in the current state I'm in, I have no hope of my future. I do not make enough to even afford rent, but the thought of leaving this dead end job for yet another isn't favorable.
I couldn't help but to ask Anastasia to show me what I was supposed to do with this future. She sighed heavily and said my mother may be strict, but she is not an evil woman and would let me stay a little bit longer before finally giving up and telling me to get a full time job and move out. I would do so, getting with a few queer friends who also needed a place at the time.
During this time I would convince myself it was an adult thing to have to cut losses and make happiness where I could find it. I would give up on language studies and keep art as an attempted passive income, always promising to make it a part-time career someday, but still maintaining that scared stand-still and not getting noticed.
She explains it wasn't built in substantial friendship and would most-likely quarrel and either continuously flake off roommates or we would altogether disband and I would have gotten enough savings together to settle for a strange quaint thing to fix up alone.
I remembered my dream at this moment as well as explained I didn't want to face a future like this, and I was willing to change it. Anastasia continued to insist it was a possibility and not a prediction, she was just showing me the "closest near-future outcomes to reality" for lack of a better easy description.
In this future possibility, I don't meet the man I believe to be my soulmate. He doesn't live close and is scared of travel, and this would ensure his future outcome would be something along the lines of "becoming more hermit and never amounting to his full potential"
I found that interesting, I had nearly forgotten the only reason I am ensuring something Anastasia claimed is a "fated event" is because I am so sure and steadfast in my own goals. Mind you, I still don't know this "fated event", so don't think I have something to be watching out for! It's as vague to me as to you.
Anastasia moved on to the next possibility. If this fear of mine truly lights the fire under my ass, I look into a degree in Japanese and decide the "cutting of losses" is that I am already in debt, that debt will be taken care of eventually, but that I don't need to fear it as horribly as I do, and that additional and earnest school debt will not hurt me.
Actually, she said, the school debt would most likely would get taken care of quickly due to landing a fairly liberal and well-paying and accommodating company I would become a translator for. I would be able to save up easily as well in this job, as well as manage to find a few friends relatively quickly to ease my social nerves.
These friends would lead to frequent social outings and events and eventual "fated event". Because of our joined funds, we'd be able to invest in and maintain a kyomachiya and I'd be able to spend more time creatively. Anastasia said this possibility is currently the one with "full-time artist" as a most likely career.
Then, Anastasia said, "However, the most likely possibility with your current days is this one." She said I would only reach for opportunities near and convenient for me, but it wouldn't be a complete loss. I would eventually find a good friend to move out with, and we would both be day job working artists for a while.
She said this is the scenario I had decided it was okay if I didn't move for another decade, and take things slow. That is what most likely happens, but she was interrupted when I expressed my continued distaste, and was frustrated because of course, the only one in charge of my future is me.
I hold myself back in fear of ridicule and judgement despite knowing no amount of it could ever fully deter me, and that I really have nothing to be ashamed of. Anastasia explained language skills were a great thing to have when you loved people and sharing cultures and it was something I needed to be prideful in.
She said a lot that holds me back is why I haven't done anything in any other genre of interest either; because I'm too busy getting wrapped up in judgement and not using what freedoms I have wisely. That is why I would put my plans on hold for a continued ten years, not because I ever fully give up but that I am still willing to let them be palpable as if negotiable by other forces.
My current goal is to stop holding myself back from my own goals because I continue to fear what will happen. I do not want to know what will happen for the next 5 months like my boss. I do not want the next 5 months to be overwork and underpay as my life continues to tick on away while others are already successful or closer yet simply because their fears haven't held them back.
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