At Odds With the World

20-something who wishes aliens would just blow up the planet already.

[at-odds-with-the-world]

It's all in that last 15 minutes.

It's when everything seems to come to a head. The last fifteen minutes or so before I need to leave for work are the ones that seem to churn my stomach and grip at my chest. Ready, but not wanting to leave too soon and be TOO early, but being so anxious that annoyingly early is preferable to even the slightest notion of being late. It's in this quarter of an hour that I tend to lose it. Even though I haven't eaten, the need to violently throw up my coffee and some foam usually hits right before I'm ready to walk out the door. Gripping the toilet, I'm sent into a mental tailspin. "How can I do this if I'm throwing up?" "You're just sick from worrying, you'll do it and be fine. You always do" "But what if today is different?" The inner monologue continues. Just waiting for the breaking point.

[at-odds-with-the-world]

I wouldn't wish my anxiety on my worst enemy.

However, I would wish it on Donald Trump. He'd lose it immediately.

[at-odds-with-the-world]

The world may have failed us, but that doesn't mean we have to fail ourselves.

We are more than the world we live in, and thank goodness for that.

Our 21st century existence is bizarre. Technology rules our lives, compares us to our fellow man, keeps us connected to the point that our connections are meaningless and taken for granted. Money's value is failing, jobs are becoming less and less about providing quality products and quality work environments and more about the highest profits and quickest turnarounds. The power is in the hands of the wealthy and this world is theirs, we're just living in it.

But that doesn't mean we have to give up. That doesn't mean there's no place for us, it just means we have to work a little harder. And while that's not always fair, we can only hope that the effort is worth it at the end of the day. Find a job that doesn't make you dread waking up the morning, and that may take time, and it may take a couple tries, but it's all about knowing what YOU want and what you're capable of (and you're capable of a whole lot of shit, in case you didn't know). And you may struggle, you may stumble, you may need to reach out to others for help, and that's okay.

Personally, I have gone on and off of medications for my anxiety and depression more times than I can count and almost half way through my 20s, I've realized that it is indeed something that I need and that can no longer be ignored. But that doesn't make me less of a person. It doesn't make you less of a person. Medications give us a chance at life that, unfortunately, our brain has currently made us feel is impossible. But we too have a right to be happy, to live fully, and to see and do as much as humanly possible in our time on this Earth.

When you feel like a waste of space, and don't know why you're doing this, remember that there's no one correct way to live a life. There's no right way. There's no one true path. There's no real time table of when everything should happen. What you SHOULD be worried about is your happiness. Get yourself to a place where you feel safe. Surround yourself with people who love you, and even though they may not exactly understand what you're going through, they'll do anything they can to help you through it.

Nothing about this life is easy, but that's why happiness is so sweet.

[at-odds-with-the-world]

An Anxious Brain.

To have anxiety is not just to “worry about everything”. 

Anxiety turns rain into smoke when all you want to do is catch a few drops in your palm.

Anxiety is wanting to throw up the moment you wake up because as soon as your eyes are open, your mind is filled with everything you’ll have to do that day - and most times, the thought of all of those tasks at once strikes you as utterly impossible.

Anxiety is losing touch with friends because you feel like you annoy them.

When you’re drowning in anxiety, sometimes you’re able to recognize the fact that you need to get out and do things - however, if you don’t have someone that understands you to accompany you, the world suddenly becomes much scarier - the possibility of a million terrible, embarrassing, or awkward things magnified by idea of going out alone. 

Anxiety is being afraid that you won’t be able to handle life, even though you do it every day. Literally every day feels like an uphill battle that can be so painful to get through, tomorrow seems like torture rather than a fresh start.

Don’t let this confuse you, because it’s not just “in my head”, well, it is, but that’s just the thing. It is in my head, and I can’t get it out. It's like a parasite that thrives in stress-filled environments. And every day I can't contain it, it seems to just grow and grow, enveloping my whole mind.

It’s a bug on my soul I can’t seem to find. If I could, I would’ve flicked the fucker off a long time ago.

[at-odds-with-the-world]

Please stop telling me to just live my life.

I cannot just go do what makes me happy.

I cannot just go on adventures and forget about real life.

I am not in control of my destiny. Not as long as money rules.

In order to truly do what makes me happy, to see new sights, experience new things, meet new people, find out more about myself, do you know what is required? 

Money. Money that I do not have. Money that many of us do not have. And in many cases, a lot of us don’t have money because we followed our dreams in the first place, wasting thousands and thousands of dollars of our/our parents’ hard earned money on degrees that made us happy at the time, but will not produce returns equal to the investment. Why did I major in Media Studies and Mass Communication? Because media fascinates me, I love creating it, analyzing it, delving deep into that makes it, well, whatever it is. But that’s not a career, I guess. Maybe it is somewhere, but they certainly aren’t paying me to do it. But I went with my gut, with what felt right, which ended up being so wrong.

Now, I’m almost 24 with a Bachelor’s Degree that means little to nothing and no desire to hand over any more of my or my parents’ money to get another expensive piece of paper that comes with no guarantees. So what did I do? Well, before I graduated, I got a job, and now it is the same job I’ve had since college because, despite the literal 100s of job applications I’ve submitted and the tens of interviews I’ve gone on over the last few years, no one will hire me. I’m either over or underqualified, and no one will give me a chance.

So, I figured that maybe if I got myself into a healthy relationship, the two of us could support each other and lift each other up. After opening my heart time and time again, I was broken time and time again. Until love struck the second time around. And it worked at first. But, like most sweet things, it soon went bad. It soon became all about money, or the lack of it, and it’s torn us apart to the point where I can no longer stand my situation. Money rules everything. It rules our relationships, our access to education, our access to healthy food (I can’t even tell you the last time I bought any real fruits or vegetables),

So what can I do? Move back home, start saving money again, try to go on adventures, try to go back to school and spend another $30,000+ that no one in my family has? It doesn’t REALLY work like that, maybe for some, but to try and say that it is an option or a feasible path for everyone is absurd. Sooner or later, you become a burden to someone, a source of extreme stress. And unless you are lucky enough to have the right people supporting you or around you, this takes an immense toll on your psyche. 

So tell me, how do I just go ‘live my life’?

Because honestly, it feels far too screwed to get back on track now. 

[at-odds-with-the-world]

A brief introduction.

My disdain for humanity and this whole damned world has inspired me to begin writing again. If not for anyone else other than myself, this is a means to get the words out, make them seem real, let them dance out onto the screen so they can stop pounding on the walls of my brain. I’m tired of keeping these thoughts to myself.