Vesper

[athebyneduchess]

Unsure how to approach the subject, Vesper went straight for it. “What does Percy do when he’s not with me? Like proper things? Does he talk to people?” She asked stupidly. “You know, like.. I don’t know how to ask without.. saying too much..”

[thefieryhart]

Pippa's face wrinkled in confusion. What was Vesper on about? "What do you mean? Of course he talks to people..." Vesper confused Pippa sometimes. She could be so direct at times while at others, being so vague as to be annoying. "He mostly hangs out with Valentine if I don't bring him along to something."

[athebyneduchess]

“Alright. Yes. Good.” She nodded. “Hey, so,” she coughed, squishing Fisher’s cheeks gently again. “What do I do with Percy when we’re not having sex?”

[athebyneduchess]

“Yes,” she said without hesitation. “Percy, yes.”She looked at him properly. “Give me the note.”she said, her tone brooking no argument. “I want to see it. I want to see what she said properly.” She held out her hand.

“Why are you keeping this? Why are you torturing yourself? After everything she did, do you truly blame yourself?”

[themodernhart]

Percy didn't answer. Instead, he silently handed her the note as he flopped over, resting his head in Vesper's lap. He was quiet as he let her read it.

July 29, 2014

My darling boy,

I won't ask you to forgive me for what I am about to do. But I know that you'll do it anyway, in time, because you have forgiven me for everything I have ever done. Even the unforgivable things. I am starting to think that what everyone says is true. I truly don't deserve you.

The weight of what I've done becomes harder and harder to bear every day. I am a threat to you, a threat to our son. I will not endanger him again. I have almost taken your life twice now. I won't do it a third time. Not this way, the way that you dread.

I am sorry. For everything. For all of it. I truly, truly hope I didn't ruin you. You were too young. Too good. But I know that you will go out into the world and you will live the most beautiful life. You will find the love of your life.

I wish you so much happiness, Percy. Even if it's with Arlise. Everything I ever said about her was fueled by jealousy. You two were meant for each other, and I hope she can heal the wounds I gave you. I'm sorry for taking you from her. Tell her to take care of our son for me...unless it's too late and I've ruined that for you too.

I know you didn't want him, but you are so wonderful for him. If I did anything right, it was choosing you for Fisher's father. I won't regret him, as I know you won't either. Kiss our boy for me.

You were right, when you told me I can't give up control. Everything could have been different if I could have relaxed, if I had let you come to me instead of taking from you. I can't give up control, even now.

I love you more than life itself, Percy, so I give up my life to give you yours. To give Fisher his. I'm sorry for how you'll find me. I know it will be a mess. But you told me once that it didn't hurt much this way, and I'm too much of a coward to do this in a way that will hurt. I've always been selfish. I guess it tracks that I would be selfish now. I will selfishly ask that you tell Fisher of me, of his mother who died for him. Tell him I loved him. I loved him more than anything and he is my most precious gift. Like you did, he deserves a better mother than the one he got. I hope you can find him one.

I didn't mean the things I said about your mother. It wasn't your fault what she did to you, the same way it wasn't your fault what I did to you. She was selfish, just like me. She couldn't resist loving you anymore than I could. I know you worry I'll turn into her, hurt Fisher the way she hurt you. I guess a part of me does too, that's why I have to do this.

Goodbye, my darling boy. I hope I'll see you again, though I don't deserve it. You are the love of my life.

All my love,

Your Alysa

"Why does it feel like everyone who's supposed to love me just ends up hurting me? Are they right? Is that all I'm worth? Is that all I'm good for, sexual gratification? I mean, Alys...Jocelyne..." His voice trailed off. Outside of recent therapy, he hadn't opened up about what had happened with Jocelyne...with his mother, in years. Not to Valentine, not to Arlise...even his sisters still didn't know. In fact, the last person he had told was Alysa herself, and look how that had turned out...

[athebyneduchess]

Instead of feeling empathy, instead of feeling compassion, sympathy - Vesper found herself shaking with anger at the manipulation dripping from Alysa’s words. She wanted to crumple the paper. She wanted to tear it up and set it on fire. She wanted to dig up Alysa and shove it down her throat. She couldn’t show Percy anger, not now, but she knew the moment she got home, her first call would be to Alex. And then, her friend Roger, who always listened to her yelling.

“This..” she started, having no idea where to begin. “This isn’t.. she’s.. even now, she’s..” she shook her head. “I don’t know what to say, Percy.. I can’t.. believe it. She was.. unwell, Percy..”

[athebyneduchess]

“Yeah,” she nodded slowly, not breaking eye contact with Percy. “He’s fine..”

Vesper eventually looked away but not for too long, knowing that somehow she would have to mention it again. They had often avoided deep conversations, and it seemed this was the universes way of telling them to listen.

“Percy?” She tilted her head, hoping she had conveyed what she was trying to ask.

[themodernhart]

"Vesper." He replied flatly. He wasn't going to say anything unless she said something. That's how he had always been about his self harm...but he wasn't quite who he used to be anymore, and the look on Vesper's face...

He let out a sigh that could be mistaken as a huff. "Ves, if I show you something, will you promise not to tell anyone about it? Especially not my sisters...especially not Pip?"

[athebyneduchess]

Vesper nodded. “Of course I won’t. I swear.” She looked at him purposefully, urging him to continue.

She figured Percy had always been hiding something; the two of them barely talked about actual things outside what they had done that day. She felt ice drop into her stomach with the idea that maybe they weren’t capable of those conversations, but she figured she was about to find out.

[themodernhart]

He began to rub at his scar on his left wrist, his nervous tic now. Where the hell did he even start? "I know I don't...I don't talk about Alys...and I know I should...I shouldn't keep it all bottled up but it's like...it's like I can't talk about her. Not because I don't want to, but because anytime I try, I'm just met with such...such disdain and annoyance." He held Vesper's gaze as he talked.

"It's like, everyone just wants me to move on but how the hell am I supposed to move on? I loved her, she was the mother of my child, and she bled out in my fucking arms, and I'm just supposed to move on?" He could hear his voice rising and paused, raking his hands through his hair. He needed to calm down, he'd wake up Fisher down the hall if he started yelling...he'd attract attention he didn't want.

He shot off the bed and began to pace, trying to get the energy out another way, as the words began to pour out of him. "I loved her...in some way...I know I did. Even if it wasn't right. Even if it wasn't healthy...but I'm treated like I'm not allowed to feel my feelings. So I bottle them up and it comes out like this." He flashed Vesper his arm, and then paused. This wasn't Vesper's fault. In fact, he'd never talked about anything particularly serious with Vesper before.

He stood still and looked at her. "We found a note..." He said, revealing the secret he'd been keeping from his family. "We only found it recently, when they wanted to clear the apartment out. I didn't...I didn't know she'd left a note." Slowly, he crossed to his desk and pulled the letter out. He hesitated, looking at Vesper again. "My family doesn't know about this...I don't...I don't know if I should even show you...but..." His voice trailed off as he held it out to her, offering her the choice. "I won't be offended if you don't want to read it...if you don't want to hear anymore about it...but I'd... I'd like an outside opinion...someone who isn't family, you know?"

[athebyneduchess]

She shouldn’t, of course, it was an arrogant thing, but Vesper felt somewhat honoured that Percy had offered to share Alysa’s note. She didn’t want to read it, not really, but if Percy trusted her enough to offer, she had no right to turn it down.

She nodded. “I want to,” she lied. “Let me read it.” Vesper couldn’t help what she said next. Maybe it was the wrong thing to say, but she couldn’t not. “I don’t blame you. I don’t think you’re crazy, or wrong, or weak. No one knows what it’s like for you. Sometimes it’s easier to think that they do so you can accept their help. But.. they’re not helping you.” She looked down, unsure if she was even helping. “But, Percy..” she stood up to walk over to him, taking his arm and making him sit back down on the bed. “Is this.. is this you blaming yourself for what she did? Because I don’t even have to read it to know that you’re wrong..”

[themodernhart]

"But it is my fault." He said, almost automatically. Wasn't that what he'd learned I've the years? That he was soft and weak and fragile and people took advantage of that. That his misery was self induced.

He shook his head. "I shouldn't have left her alone that day. I knew she wasn't well. I knew...I knew what that looked like....I should have pushed harder, should have gotten her help...but I..." Absentmindedly, he reached out and grabbed Vesper's hands in his.

"I left her alone when she was vulnerable and I came back and...and she was dying..." He hadn't opened up to anyone about what exactly had happened that day, outside of therapy. Most people wouldn't understand, didn't want to hear about it...and he couldn't talk about it with his family. He couldn't risk retraumatizing them.

"There's a smell." He said softly, looking down. "When there's that much blood. There's a specific smell. Nobody ever mentions that, but that's...that's what sticks in my head the most. The smell of the blood and the sound of Fisher screaming down the hall..." He pulled his hands out of Vesper's. He wanted to curl in on himself, force himself to stop remembering.

"She timed it so that I would be the one to find her...so that she'd still be alive when I found her, just barely..." His voice felt thick now, as he voiced a question he hadn't dared ask before. "Did she want me to save her? Because the note makes it seem like she didn't...the way she cut herself made it seem like she didn't...so..." He looked up at Vesper's face, feeling tears prick at his eyes. "Why?" He asked, his voice even softer. "Why did she do that? Why did she make me watch her die?"

[athebyneduchess]

Vesper tried to gasp at his fingers before he pulled them back. Unsure how to answer, she found herself talking anyway. “Percy,” she started, “she’s done nothing but hurt you the entire time she knew you. That’s not loving someone.. that’s ruining someone..” she fiddled in her lap, trying to be the stronger of the two in this conversation and feeling as if she was failing miserably.

“Letting you see that.. leaving Fisher, knowing you’d blame yourself. That was her last chance to hurt you. It’s what she did, you know that..”

[themodernhart]

"But why? What was the point?" He stared at Vesper's face. "Why tell me that she loves me, that she wants this life with me....have a child with me...just to...just to do that?" He shook his head and looked up, willing himself not cry. "I just don't get it."

He sucked in a breath and looked at Vesper. "I keep reading this note, over and over, hoping it will help me make sense of it. It says she'd been trying to change...she was trying to do better...be better..." He stared down at the letter in his hand. "So, why hurt me if she was trying to build something different? Or..." He swallowed hard before looking back at Vesper. "Is this note just to fuck with me too?"

[athebyneduchess]

“Yes,” she said without hesitation. “Percy, yes.”She looked at him properly. “Give me the note.”she said, her tone brooking no argument. “I want to see it. I want to see what she said properly.” She held out her hand.

“Why are you keeping this? Why are you torturing yourself? After everything she did, do you truly blame yourself?”

[athebyneduchess]

“Okay, sure, if that’s what you want. You said it, not me.” She nodded, trying to avoid looking directly into the camera. “Okay, well, kiss Fisher for me - bye!” She gave the fakest smile she had ever created, then hastily hung up.

[themodernhart]

Percy didn't have the energy to deal with Vesper's deflections right now. Instead, he set an alarm and fell asleep...

Hours later, he rolled up to her apartment, supplies in hand. She had said she didn't want a date night, but it seemed like maybe she wanted a date night but didn't want to ask for a date night...so, he had a bottle of wine tucked under his arm, some cheap grocery store flowers in one hand, and a pizza in the other. "Hi, Ves." He said as she swung open the door. "Hungry?" He asked, holding out the pizza.

[athebyneduchess]

Vesper had changed into her sweatpants and jumper, far from the way she usually dressed up to be with Percy. When she heard him knock, she opened the door, relieved that Percy seemed to be in similar attire.

“Yes,” she nodded, glad it was less awkward in person. “Starving.”

[themodernhart]

"Great." He replied, stepping inside. He set the pizza and wine on the kitchen table before he turned to face her. "Um, I...uh...here." he held out the flowers to her. It was a simple bouquet of daisies and such, but he had thought she might like it.

[athebyneduchess]

“Thank you..” she smiled genuinely, then leaned over to give him a kiss on the cheek. “I hope this isn’t weird, I just thought we should.. you know, hang out. Officially. Properly.” She nodded, internally cringing. The sudden fear that Percy wouldn’t like her at all if he spent time with her other than having sex made her uncomfortable.

[themodernhart]

He gave her a smile. "That sounds fun. What did you have in mind? Movie night on the couch?" He leaned down and took her hand in his. "Because honestly? I could use a chill night. Last night at work was absolutely crazy." He was still tired...he hadn't ended up sleeping very much. Fisher was growing a tooth and miserable about it.

[athebyneduchess]

“Work! Tell me about work!” She jumped, happy he had given her something to ask him about. She had already been trying to figure out something to tell him about her week, but couldn’t come up with anything other than she had accidentally killed a snail by stepping on it and finally managed to parallel park.

[themodernhart]

He gave her an amused look. He didn't know what was going on with Vesper today, but he couldn't help but find it slightly adorable. She was trying something new and that wasn't a bad thing. "Why don't we get settled on the couch and I'll tell you all about it?" He said, setting the flowers on the table and moving to the cabinet to grab some plates.

[athebyneduchess]

“Yes, tell me - tell me all. Tell me everything.” She nodded again, sitting on the couch with her feet underneath here. She realised, embarrassingly, she had absolutely no idea what Percy did for work. “How is.. your.. work thing? That you do?”

[thefieryhart]

Status: closed except for @athebyneduchess

Location: Hart Residence

Date: November 2014

Pippa shifted her hold on Fisher as she rose and answered the door. "Vesper!" She exclaimed as the door swung open. "Are you here to see me or my brother?" She asked, stepping aside to let Vesper inside. "Because if you're here to see him, he's sleeping right now."

She closed the door behind Vesper. "But if you're here to see me, hi! Let's go in the living room!" She carted Fisher back into the living room and resumed her spot on the couch. "Do you want to hold him?" She asked, motioning towards Fisher.

[athebyneduchess]

Vesper had already held out her arms for Fisher before the door had opened, before she had even acknowledged Pippa. “Yes please.” She reached for him, hardly waiting for Pippa to hand him over. He was a good distraction, and also Vesper’s baby, so she made sure to give her full attention to him whenever she could.

“Yes, I’m also here for you too. Hey Pippa.” She gave a small smile, gently squishing Fisher on the cheek.

[thefieryhart]

Pippa couldn't help but smile as she watched Fisher with Vesper. He let out a little giggle as she squished his cheek. "Isn't he just the cutiest patootiest thing?" She said, leaning over and tickling his back, which made him giggle again. "And I swear, he looks more like Percy every day... especially with these sweet little curls growing in." She ran a hand through the soft little hairs that were just starting to curl at the back of Fisher's head.

She looked up at Vesper. "Percy doesn't like when I say it, but I'm sure you'll agree with me that it's probably for the best that Fishy looks like him, you know? He doesn't need that reminder every day."

[athebyneduchess]

Vesper didn’t look at Pippa, only at Fisher, but she nodded. “He looks just like him. And only him.” She poked him on the nose, then sat him properly on her lap. “So.” She finally looked up at Pippa. “How have you been? How’s Percy been?”

[thefieryhart]

"Oh, I'm fine. Got school shit going on. Same old, same old with me. Percy...seems fine...but you know how he is. It would be easier to herd alligators than get him to open up." She sighed. "How are you? Anything exciting planned for the weekend?"

[athebyneduchess]

Unsure how to approach the subject, Vesper went straight for it. “What does Percy do when he’s not with me? Like proper things? Does he talk to people?” She asked stupidly. “You know, like.. I don’t know how to ask without.. saying too much..”

[athebyneduchess]

“Yeah,” she nodded slowly, not breaking eye contact with Percy. “He’s fine..”

Vesper eventually looked away but not for too long, knowing that somehow she would have to mention it again. They had often avoided deep conversations, and it seemed this was the universes way of telling them to listen.

“Percy?” She tilted her head, hoping she had conveyed what she was trying to ask.

[themodernhart]

"Vesper." He replied flatly. He wasn't going to say anything unless she said something. That's how he had always been about his self harm...but he wasn't quite who he used to be anymore, and the look on Vesper's face...

He let out a sigh that could be mistaken as a huff. "Ves, if I show you something, will you promise not to tell anyone about it? Especially not my sisters...especially not Pip?"

[athebyneduchess]

Vesper nodded. “Of course I won’t. I swear.” She looked at him purposefully, urging him to continue.

She figured Percy had always been hiding something; the two of them barely talked about actual things outside what they had done that day. She felt ice drop into her stomach with the idea that maybe they weren’t capable of those conversations, but she figured she was about to find out.

[themodernhart]

He began to rub at his scar on his left wrist, his nervous tic now. Where the hell did he even start? "I know I don't...I don't talk about Alys...and I know I should...I shouldn't keep it all bottled up but it's like...it's like I can't talk about her. Not because I don't want to, but because anytime I try, I'm just met with such...such disdain and annoyance." He held Vesper's gaze as he talked.

"It's like, everyone just wants me to move on but how the hell am I supposed to move on? I loved her, she was the mother of my child, and she bled out in my fucking arms, and I'm just supposed to move on?" He could hear his voice rising and paused, raking his hands through his hair. He needed to calm down, he'd wake up Fisher down the hall if he started yelling...he'd attract attention he didn't want.

He shot off the bed and began to pace, trying to get the energy out another way, as the words began to pour out of him. "I loved her...in some way...I know I did. Even if it wasn't right. Even if it wasn't healthy...but I'm treated like I'm not allowed to feel my feelings. So I bottle them up and it comes out like this." He flashed Vesper his arm, and then paused. This wasn't Vesper's fault. In fact, he'd never talked about anything particularly serious with Vesper before.

He stood still and looked at her. "We found a note..." He said, revealing the secret he'd been keeping from his family. "We only found it recently, when they wanted to clear the apartment out. I didn't...I didn't know she'd left a note." Slowly, he crossed to his desk and pulled the letter out. He hesitated, looking at Vesper again. "My family doesn't know about this...I don't...I don't know if I should even show you...but..." His voice trailed off as he held it out to her, offering her the choice. "I won't be offended if you don't want to read it...if you don't want to hear anymore about it...but I'd... I'd like an outside opinion...someone who isn't family, you know?"

[athebyneduchess]

She shouldn’t, of course, it was an arrogant thing, but Vesper felt somewhat honoured that Percy had offered to share Alysa’s note. She didn’t want to read it, not really, but if Percy trusted her enough to offer, she had no right to turn it down.

She nodded. “I want to,” she lied. “Let me read it.” Vesper couldn’t help what she said next. Maybe it was the wrong thing to say, but she couldn’t not. “I don’t blame you. I don’t think you’re crazy, or wrong, or weak. No one knows what it’s like for you. Sometimes it’s easier to think that they do so you can accept their help. But.. they’re not helping you.” She looked down, unsure if she was even helping. “But, Percy..” she stood up to walk over to him, taking his arm and making him sit back down on the bed. “Is this.. is this you blaming yourself for what she did? Because I don’t even have to read it to know that you’re wrong..”

[themodernhart]

"But it is my fault." He said, almost automatically. Wasn't that what he'd learned I've the years? That he was soft and weak and fragile and people took advantage of that. That his misery was self induced.

He shook his head. "I shouldn't have left her alone that day. I knew she wasn't well. I knew...I knew what that looked like....I should have pushed harder, should have gotten her help...but I..." Absentmindedly, he reached out and grabbed Vesper's hands in his.

"I left her alone when she was vulnerable and I came back and...and she was dying..." He hadn't opened up to anyone about what exactly had happened that day, outside of therapy. Most people wouldn't understand, didn't want to hear about it...and he couldn't talk about it with his family. He couldn't risk retraumatizing them.

"There's a smell." He said softly, looking down. "When there's that much blood. There's a specific smell. Nobody ever mentions that, but that's...that's what sticks in my head the most. The smell of the blood and the sound of Fisher screaming down the hall..." He pulled his hands out of Vesper's. He wanted to curl in on himself, force himself to stop remembering.

"She timed it so that I would be the one to find her...so that she'd still be alive when I found her, just barely..." His voice felt thick now, as he voiced a question he hadn't dared ask before. "Did she want me to save her? Because the note makes it seem like she didn't...the way she cut herself made it seem like she didn't...so..." He looked up at Vesper's face, feeling tears prick at his eyes. "Why?" He asked, his voice even softer. "Why did she do that? Why did she make me watch her die?"

[athebyneduchess]

Vesper tried to gasp at his fingers before he pulled them back. Unsure how to answer, she found herself talking anyway. “Percy,” she started, “she’s done nothing but hurt you the entire time she knew you. That’s not loving someone.. that’s ruining someone..” she fiddled in her lap, trying to be the stronger of the two in this conversation and feeling as if she was failing miserably.

“Letting you see that.. leaving Fisher, knowing you’d blame yourself. That was her last chance to hurt you. It’s what she did, you know that..”

[athebyneduchess]

“Okay, sure, if that’s what you want. You said it, not me.” She nodded, trying to avoid looking directly into the camera. “Okay, well, kiss Fisher for me - bye!” She gave the fakest smile she had ever created, then hastily hung up.

[themodernhart]

Percy didn't have the energy to deal with Vesper's deflections right now. Instead, he set an alarm and fell asleep...

Hours later, he rolled up to her apartment, supplies in hand. She had said she didn't want a date night, but it seemed like maybe she wanted a date night but didn't want to ask for a date night...so, he had a bottle of wine tucked under his arm, some cheap grocery store flowers in one hand, and a pizza in the other. "Hi, Ves." He said as she swung open the door. "Hungry?" He asked, holding out the pizza.

[athebyneduchess]

Vesper had changed into her sweatpants and jumper, far from the way she usually dressed up to be with Percy. When she heard him knock, she opened the door, relieved that Percy seemed to be in similar attire.

“Yes,” she nodded, glad it was less awkward in person. “Starving.”

[themodernhart]

"Great." He replied, stepping inside. He set the pizza and wine on the kitchen table before he turned to face her. "Um, I...uh...here." he held out the flowers to her. It was a simple bouquet of daisies and such, but he had thought she might like it.

[athebyneduchess]

“Thank you..” she smiled genuinely, then leaned over to give him a kiss on the cheek. “I hope this isn’t weird, I just thought we should.. you know, hang out. Officially. Properly.” She nodded, internally cringing. The sudden fear that Percy wouldn’t like her at all if he spent time with her other than having sex made her uncomfortable.

[themodernhart]

He gave her a smile. "That sounds fun. What did you have in mind? Movie night on the couch?" He leaned down and took her hand in his. "Because honestly? I could use a chill night. Last night at work was absolutely crazy." He was still tired...he hadn't ended up sleeping very much. Fisher was growing a tooth and miserable about it.

[athebyneduchess]

“Work! Tell me about work!” She jumped, happy he had given her something to ask him about. She had already been trying to figure out something to tell him about her week, but couldn’t come up with anything other than she had accidentally killed a snail by stepping on it and finally managed to parallel park.

[thefieryhart]

Status: closed except for @athebyneduchess

Location: Hart Residence

Date: November 2014

Pippa shifted her hold on Fisher as she rose and answered the door. "Vesper!" She exclaimed as the door swung open. "Are you here to see me or my brother?" She asked, stepping aside to let Vesper inside. "Because if you're here to see him, he's sleeping right now."

She closed the door behind Vesper. "But if you're here to see me, hi! Let's go in the living room!" She carted Fisher back into the living room and resumed her spot on the couch. "Do you want to hold him?" She asked, motioning towards Fisher.

[athebyneduchess]

Vesper had already held out her arms for Fisher before the door had opened, before she had even acknowledged Pippa. “Yes please.” She reached for him, hardly waiting for Pippa to hand him over. He was a good distraction, and also Vesper’s baby, so she made sure to give her full attention to him whenever she could.

“Yes, I’m also here for you too. Hey Pippa.” She gave a small smile, gently squishing Fisher on the cheek.

[thefieryhart]

Pippa couldn't help but smile as she watched Fisher with Vesper. He let out a little giggle as she squished his cheek. "Isn't he just the cutiest patootiest thing?" She said, leaning over and tickling his back, which made him giggle again. "And I swear, he looks more like Percy every day... especially with these sweet little curls growing in." She ran a hand through the soft little hairs that were just starting to curl at the back of Fisher's head.

She looked up at Vesper. "Percy doesn't like when I say it, but I'm sure you'll agree with me that it's probably for the best that Fishy looks like him, you know? He doesn't need that reminder every day."

[athebyneduchess]

Vesper didn’t look at Pippa, only at Fisher, but she nodded. “He looks just like him. And only him.” She poked him on the nose, then sat him properly on her lap. “So.” She finally looked up at Pippa. “How have you been? How’s Percy been?”

[athebyneduchess]

“Okay, sure, if that’s what you want. You said it, not me.” She nodded, trying to avoid looking directly into the camera. “Okay, well, kiss Fisher for me - bye!” She gave the fakest smile she had ever created, then hastily hung up.

[themodernhart]

Percy didn't have the energy to deal with Vesper's deflections right now. Instead, he set an alarm and fell asleep...

Hours later, he rolled up to her apartment, supplies in hand. She had said she didn't want a date night, but it seemed like maybe she wanted a date night but didn't want to ask for a date night...so, he had a bottle of wine tucked under his arm, some cheap grocery store flowers in one hand, and a pizza in the other. "Hi, Ves." He said as she swung open the door. "Hungry?" He asked, holding out the pizza.

[athebyneduchess]

Vesper had changed into her sweatpants and jumper, far from the way she usually dressed up to be with Percy. When she heard him knock, she opened the door, relieved that Percy seemed to be in similar attire.

“Yes,” she nodded, glad it was less awkward in person. “Starving.”

[themodernhart]

"Great." He replied, stepping inside. He set the pizza and wine on the kitchen table before he turned to face her. "Um, I...uh...here." he held out the flowers to her. It was a simple bouquet of daisies and such, but he had thought she might like it.

[athebyneduchess]

“Thank you..” she smiled genuinely, then leaned over to give him a kiss on the cheek. “I hope this isn’t weird, I just thought we should.. you know, hang out. Officially. Properly.” She nodded, internally cringing. The sudden fear that Percy wouldn’t like her at all if he spent time with her other than having sex made her uncomfortable.

[athebyneduchess]

“Yeah,” she nodded slowly, not breaking eye contact with Percy. “He’s fine..”

Vesper eventually looked away but not for too long, knowing that somehow she would have to mention it again. They had often avoided deep conversations, and it seemed this was the universes way of telling them to listen.

“Percy?” She tilted her head, hoping she had conveyed what she was trying to ask.

[themodernhart]

"Vesper." He replied flatly. He wasn't going to say anything unless she said something. That's how he had always been about his self harm...but he wasn't quite who he used to be anymore, and the look on Vesper's face...

He let out a sigh that could be mistaken as a huff. "Ves, if I show you something, will you promise not to tell anyone about it? Especially not my sisters...especially not Pip?"

[athebyneduchess]

Vesper nodded. “Of course I won’t. I swear.” She looked at him purposefully, urging him to continue.

She figured Percy had always been hiding something; the two of them barely talked about actual things outside what they had done that day. She felt ice drop into her stomach with the idea that maybe they weren’t capable of those conversations, but she figured she was about to find out.

[themodernhart]

He began to rub at his scar on his left wrist, his nervous tic now. Where the hell did he even start? "I know I don't...I don't talk about Alys...and I know I should...I shouldn't keep it all bottled up but it's like...it's like I can't talk about her. Not because I don't want to, but because anytime I try, I'm just met with such...such disdain and annoyance." He held Vesper's gaze as he talked.

"It's like, everyone just wants me to move on but how the hell am I supposed to move on? I loved her, she was the mother of my child, and she bled out in my fucking arms, and I'm just supposed to move on?" He could hear his voice rising and paused, raking his hands through his hair. He needed to calm down, he'd wake up Fisher down the hall if he started yelling...he'd attract attention he didn't want.

He shot off the bed and began to pace, trying to get the energy out another way, as the words began to pour out of him. "I loved her...in some way...I know I did. Even if it wasn't right. Even if it wasn't healthy...but I'm treated like I'm not allowed to feel my feelings. So I bottle them up and it comes out like this." He flashed Vesper his arm, and then paused. This wasn't Vesper's fault. In fact, he'd never talked about anything particularly serious with Vesper before.

He stood still and looked at her. "We found a note..." He said, revealing the secret he'd been keeping from his family. "We only found it recently, when they wanted to clear the apartment out. I didn't...I didn't know she'd left a note." Slowly, he crossed to his desk and pulled the letter out. He hesitated, looking at Vesper again. "My family doesn't know about this...I don't...I don't know if I should even show you...but..." His voice trailed off as he held it out to her, offering her the choice. "I won't be offended if you don't want to read it...if you don't want to hear anymore about it...but I'd... I'd like an outside opinion...someone who isn't family, you know?"

[athebyneduchess]

She shouldn’t, of course, it was an arrogant thing, but Vesper felt somewhat honoured that Percy had offered to share Alysa’s note. She didn’t want to read it, not really, but if Percy trusted her enough to offer, she had no right to turn it down.

She nodded. “I want to,” she lied. “Let me read it.” Vesper couldn’t help what she said next. Maybe it was the wrong thing to say, but she couldn’t not. “I don’t blame you. I don’t think you’re crazy, or wrong, or weak. No one knows what it’s like for you. Sometimes it’s easier to think that they do so you can accept their help. But.. they’re not helping you.” She looked down, unsure if she was even helping. “But, Percy..” she stood up to walk over to him, taking his arm and making him sit back down on the bed. “Is this.. is this you blaming yourself for what she did? Because I don’t even have to read it to know that you’re wrong..”

[thefieryhart]

Status: closed except for @athebyneduchess

Location: Hart Residence

Date: November 2014

Pippa shifted her hold on Fisher as she rose and answered the door. "Vesper!" She exclaimed as the door swung open. "Are you here to see me or my brother?" She asked, stepping aside to let Vesper inside. "Because if you're here to see him, he's sleeping right now."

She closed the door behind Vesper. "But if you're here to see me, hi! Let's go in the living room!" She carted Fisher back into the living room and resumed her spot on the couch. "Do you want to hold him?" She asked, motioning towards Fisher.

[athebyneduchess]

Vesper had already held out her arms for Fisher before the door had opened, before she had even acknowledged Pippa. “Yes please.” She reached for him, hardly waiting for Pippa to hand him over. He was a good distraction, and also Vesper’s baby, so she made sure to give her full attention to him whenever she could.

“Yes, I’m also here for you too. Hey Pippa.” She gave a small smile, gently squishing Fisher on the cheek.

[athebyneduchess]

“Yeah,” she nodded slowly, not breaking eye contact with Percy. “He’s fine..”

Vesper eventually looked away but not for too long, knowing that somehow she would have to mention it again. They had often avoided deep conversations, and it seemed this was the universes way of telling them to listen.

“Percy?” She tilted her head, hoping she had conveyed what she was trying to ask.

[themodernhart]

"Vesper." He replied flatly. He wasn't going to say anything unless she said something. That's how he had always been about his self harm...but he wasn't quite who he used to be anymore, and the look on Vesper's face...

He let out a sigh that could be mistaken as a huff. "Ves, if I show you something, will you promise not to tell anyone about it? Especially not my sisters...especially not Pip?"

[athebyneduchess]

Vesper nodded. “Of course I won’t. I swear.” She looked at him purposefully, urging him to continue.

She figured Percy had always been hiding something; the two of them barely talked about actual things outside what they had done that day. She felt ice drop into her stomach with the idea that maybe they weren’t capable of those conversations, but she figured she was about to find out.

[athebyneduchess]

“Okay, sure, if that’s what you want. You said it, not me.” She nodded, trying to avoid looking directly into the camera. “Okay, well, kiss Fisher for me - bye!” She gave the fakest smile she had ever created, then hastily hung up.

[themodernhart]

Percy didn't have the energy to deal with Vesper's deflections right now. Instead, he set an alarm and fell asleep...

Hours later, he rolled up to her apartment, supplies in hand. She had said she didn't want a date night, but it seemed like maybe she wanted a date night but didn't want to ask for a date night...so, he had a bottle of wine tucked under his arm, some cheap grocery store flowers in one hand, and a pizza in the other. "Hi, Ves." He said as she swung open the door. "Hungry?" He asked, holding out the pizza.

[athebyneduchess]

Vesper had changed into her sweatpants and jumper, far from the way she usually dressed up to be with Percy. When she heard him knock, she opened the door, relieved that Percy seemed to be in similar attire.

“Yes,” she nodded, glad it was less awkward in person. “Starving.”

[athebyneduchess]

“Also, the thing is - I’m not stupid, right? I think if I listen to my dad and actually take the class they’re offering me, I’m gonna regret it. I mean, I’m supposed to be studying law and then my showgirl auditions take up the rest of the day, and you know my shoe making side business? Like, how do I even….?” Vesper trailed off, finally looking at Percy in the face. She had been talking so long she hadn’t even noticed Percy was still there until she caught movement in her peripheral.

Fearing there was something wrong with Fisher, her eyes shot to the baby monitor, but when Percy reached for it, her eyes went to his wrists.

“Oh my god, what happened?” She asked, stupidly, before realising exactly what had happened.

[themodernhart]

"Nothing." He said, knowing he said it too quickly. He snatched his arm back, glancing down at the baby monitor. Fisher had grunted as he rolled over in his sleep. That's all the noise had been.

"Fish is fine." He said, slowly putting the monitor back. What was the point in hiding them? Vesper had already seen them. He looked at her face through his curls, his head tilted down as he tried to gauge her reaction.

[athebyneduchess]

“Yeah,” she nodded slowly, not breaking eye contact with Percy. “He’s fine..”

Vesper eventually looked away but not for too long, knowing that somehow she would have to mention it again. They had often avoided deep conversations, and it seemed this was the universes way of telling them to listen.

“Percy?” She tilted her head, hoping she had conveyed what she was trying to ask.

[athebyneduchess]

“No!” She said, coughing after having raised her voice so suddenly. “I mean, like, if that’s how you see it then I don’t judge you, I was just thinking maybe.. remember when we put that documentary on the other day?” While we had sex, she omitted, “that was kinda good? I saw you watching it over my shoulder. Like, maybe we could finish that?”

[themodernhart]

Percy rubbed his hand over his face. He didn't have the mental capacity to deal with whatever Vesper was trying to communicate right now. "You didn't have to sound so offended at the suggestion." He said softly. "Look, how about I come over at about 730, sans the baby, and we can do whatever you want to do, okay?"

[athebyneduchess]

“Okay, sure, if that’s what you want. You said it, not me.” She nodded, trying to avoid looking directly into the camera. “Okay, well, kiss Fisher for me - bye!” She gave the fakest smile she had ever created, then hastily hung up.

[athebyneduchess]

{ CLOSED to @themodernhart }

Vesper had spent the last few days in a strange mindset. With all of her other partners, Vesper had never had to think about anything beyond spending the night with them. All she had ever concerned herself with was restocking her supply of Plan B and making sure she had shaved her legs.

When Pippa had asked her what she and Percy were doing over the weekend, Vesper wondered why his sister was interested in their sex life. It was her baby brother after all, surely she didn’t want to hear the messy details. After staring into space for a moment, Vesper finally realised that Pippa meant what were they doing aside from sex. Like, normal relationship things.

It was being so dumbfounded that made Vesper feel like such an idiot. What the hell was she supposed to do about that? What would they even do? What did he even like? What did she even like? She stared at her phone, each time she had tried to text him, she felt like an idiot. “Hey, what do you actually do every day?” felt like an insulting thing to say to someone she was supposedly dating.

Deciding not to waste any time, she finally started typing.

“Hey. Do you watch movies?”

It felt ridiculous, but it was a start.

[themodernhart]

Percy had just gotten Fisher down for a nap, and had headed back to his room to pass out as well when he heard his phone chime. He scooped it up and saw a message from Vesper.

"Hey. Do you watch movies?"

He just stared at it for a moment. He was used to weird conversation starters from Vesper, but this one might take the cake. What sort of question was that? What was she really trying to ask him?

Even worse, the more the thought about it, the more he wasn't even sure of the answer. Besides occasionally sitting with the girls while they watched TV, he couldn't even think of the last time he'd say down to watch anything.

"Honestly?" He typed back. "Couldn't even tell you the last time I watched one lol"

[athebyneduchess]

Sweating, Vesper picked up her phone again, re-reading the message she’d sent and cringing all over again.

“I also watch movies as well,” she typed, wanting to tear her eyes out. This was so different from her usual “come over” texts to Percy that she thought he may actually suspect that she was someone else.

“Do you want to watch a movie with me?? Later? As in, over here? Is that dumb?”

She pressed send before she thought about it.

“If you don’t want to that’s okay like I didn’t even want to I just was asking because I thought maybe Fisher wanted to see a movie or something like not like US”

[themodernhart]

Now, Percy was even more confused. Was she asking him to watch a movie or not? Clearly, the medium of text was not working for them in this situation.

"Can I FaceTime you?" He texted her, hoping she'd say yes. This felt like something that needed to be handled in a way where he could see her expressions and hear her tone of voice.

[athebyneduchess]

“Yeah, sure, okay!!!!!”

Ves felt her heart rate pick up. Why did she use so many exclamation marks? He wanted to FaceTime. Immediately, she pulled off her shirt and pushed up her breasts so that when she answered, she looked like she was suggesting anything other than watching a stupid movie.

[themodernhart]

He laid down on his stomach and propped his phone up on his pillows as he called her. He felt his eyes narrow as she answered and he noticed she was not wearing a shirt. Was she asking him to come over for sex? Because she'd never had any problems asking for that outright before...

"Vesper, what exactly are you asking me?" He asked, trying to stifle a yawn. He'd worked last night and he really needed to sleep... especially if he was spending the night with Vesper. "Because Fisher is an infant, and thus can't watch a movie, but if you want me to bring him over, I can...but if you're planning on hooking up I'm not bringing him...but you asked to watch a movie and--"

He froze, realization crashing into him like a ton of bricks. He was an idiot. An actual idiot. "Vesper...are you trying to have a date night?"

[athebyneduchess]

“No!” She said, coughing after having raised her voice so suddenly. “I mean, like, if that’s how you see it then I don’t judge you, I was just thinking maybe.. remember when we put that documentary on the other day?” While we had sex, she omitted, “that was kinda good? I saw you watching it over my shoulder. Like, maybe we could finish that?”

[themodernhart]

STATUS: closed except for @athebyneduchess

LOCATION: The Hart Residence

DATE: December 2014

Percy sat listlessly on his bed, listening to Vesper ramble on about her day. Well, listening wasn't the right word. He heard the sound of her voice, but he didn't absorb any of the words. His mind kept drifting back to that letter sitting in his top desk drawer. Should he show it to Vesper? That's not what Alysa had intended for him to do. But did it matter? Alysa was dead...She was dead and it was his fault. She died because of him. Because he couldn't save her. Because he was too weak. Too soft.

Absentmindedly, he took off his sweatshirt, forgetting why he was wearing it in the first place. Seb kept the house warm now, so Fisher would be warm. It was thoughtful, but annoying sometimes. Just then, he thought he heard something on the baby monitor. Fisher was supposed to be sleeping. Percy reached across the bed to grab it. He froze as he saw the exact moment Vesper's eyes locked onto those five fresh slashes across his arm, all in various states of healing.

[athebyneduchess]

“Also, the thing is - I’m not stupid, right? I think if I listen to my dad and actually take the class they’re offering me, I’m gonna regret it. I mean, I’m supposed to be studying law and then my showgirl auditions take up the rest of the day, and you know my shoe making side business? Like, how do I even….?” Vesper trailed off, finally looking at Percy in the face. She had been talking so long she hadn’t even noticed Percy was still there until she caught movement in her peripheral.

Fearing there was something wrong with Fisher, her eyes shot to the baby monitor, but when Percy reached for it, her eyes went to his wrists.

“Oh my god, what happened?” She asked, stupidly, before realising exactly what had happened.