“Yes,” she said without hesitation. “Percy, yes.”She looked at him properly. “Give me the note.”she said, her tone brooking no argument. “I want to see it. I want to see what she said properly.” She held out her hand.
“Why are you keeping this? Why are you torturing yourself? After everything she did, do you truly blame yourself?”
Percy didn't answer. Instead, he silently handed her the note as he flopped over, resting his head in Vesper's lap. He was quiet as he let her read it.
July 29, 2014
My darling boy,
I won't ask you to forgive me for what I am about to do. But I know that you'll do it anyway, in time, because you have forgiven me for everything I have ever done. Even the unforgivable things. I am starting to think that what everyone says is true. I truly don't deserve you.
The weight of what I've done becomes harder and harder to bear every day. I am a threat to you, a threat to our son. I will not endanger him again. I have almost taken your life twice now. I won't do it a third time. Not this way, the way that you dread.
I am sorry. For everything. For all of it. I truly, truly hope I didn't ruin you. You were too young. Too good. But I know that you will go out into the world and you will live the most beautiful life. You will find the love of your life.
I wish you so much happiness, Percy. Even if it's with Arlise. Everything I ever said about her was fueled by jealousy. You two were meant for each other, and I hope she can heal the wounds I gave you. I'm sorry for taking you from her. Tell her to take care of our son for me...unless it's too late and I've ruined that for you too.
I know you didn't want him, but you are so wonderful for him. If I did anything right, it was choosing you for Fisher's father. I won't regret him, as I know you won't either. Kiss our boy for me.
You were right, when you told me I can't give up control. Everything could have been different if I could have relaxed, if I had let you come to me instead of taking from you. I can't give up control, even now.
I love you more than life itself, Percy, so I give up my life to give you yours. To give Fisher his. I'm sorry for how you'll find me. I know it will be a mess. But you told me once that it didn't hurt much this way, and I'm too much of a coward to do this in a way that will hurt. I've always been selfish. I guess it tracks that I would be selfish now. I will selfishly ask that you tell Fisher of me, of his mother who died for him. Tell him I loved him. I loved him more than anything and he is my most precious gift. Like you did, he deserves a better mother than the one he got. I hope you can find him one.
I didn't mean the things I said about your mother. It wasn't your fault what she did to you, the same way it wasn't your fault what I did to you. She was selfish, just like me. She couldn't resist loving you anymore than I could. I know you worry I'll turn into her, hurt Fisher the way she hurt you. I guess a part of me does too, that's why I have to do this.
Goodbye, my darling boy. I hope I'll see you again, though I don't deserve it. You are the love of my life.
All my love,
Your Alysa
"Why does it feel like everyone who's supposed to love me just ends up hurting me? Are they right? Is that all I'm worth? Is that all I'm good for, sexual gratification? I mean, Alys...Jocelyne..." His voice trailed off. Outside of recent therapy, he hadn't opened up about what had happened with Jocelyne...with his mother, in years. Not to Valentine, not to Arlise...even his sisters still didn't know. In fact, the last person he had told was Alysa herself, and look how that had turned out...
Instead of feeling empathy, instead of feeling compassion, sympathy - Vesper found herself shaking with anger at the manipulation dripping from Alysa’s words. She wanted to crumple the paper. She wanted to tear it up and set it on fire. She wanted to dig up Alysa and shove it down her throat. She couldn’t show Percy anger, not now, but she knew the moment she got home, her first call would be to Alex. And then, her friend Roger, who always listened to her yelling.
“This..” she started, having no idea where to begin. “This isn’t.. she’s.. even now, she’s..” she shook her head. “I don’t know what to say, Percy.. I can’t.. believe it. She was.. unwell, Percy..”
Percy sat up and looked at Vesper. She was angry. Really, incredibly angry. She was trying not to show it, but he'd learned to pick up cues from people a long time ago. Wordlessly, he slipped the note out of her hand, intending to put it back in his desk before she did something to it. He changed his mind as he stood up though. He should put the note in the memento box, along with all the other things he'd started saving for Fisher.
He could relate to anger though. It was an emotion he'd been feeling quite a bit himself recently...towards Alys. Anger for what had happened. For what she had done. Anger for what she'd put him through, the memories that haunted his hours. Anger at leaving Fisher behind...at leaving him behind. After everything she'd said and done, she'd left him.
That anger boiled over in him as he stared down into the box, looking at a picture of him and Alys. It had been taken years ago, before everything went wrong...back when he still looked happy. "Fuck!" He screamed, his hands swinging out and swiping everything off his desk with a crash, including the box. Everything went flying, papers swirling through the air and glass breaking. "Fuck!" He screamed again, raking his hands through his hair.
He tried to avoid eye contact with Vesper, staring down at the mess he'd made instead. The anger went out of him then, like a flame in a gust of wind, as he noticed the picture on top. The anger was replaced by that familiar cold dread, the pit sinking in his stomach like a stone. He bent down and scooped it up. He hadn't thought he'd put this one in the box.
Percy finally glanced back at Vesper. "Has...has Pip ever talked about...talked about our mom?" He asked quietly, his hand almost subconsciously holding out the picture towards Vesper. He could visualize it without even seeing it now. Him and Mama, shortly after his 11th birthday. The way she clung to him, the way he subtly tried to pull away, the hopeless, desperate look in his eyes...as if he was pleading for help from his father, who was behind the camera.