i might've ascended to heaven for real...
WHAT A WAY TO START THE SERIES.
both hands on the crucifix, saving it from falling—illustrating the questions of unrelenting faith and pure instinct to be a saviour.
God. it's amazing. it's perfect.
it has been so long since i felt this alive. such a great story opener. i think p'aof never misses when it comes to first episodes. it sets the tone/direction of the story so well. so many foreshadowings, too! God! the conversations between tanrak and father arnon, tanrak and kongdech, tanrak and barth... they're hinting so many things about future episodes, and i'm BUZZING with excitement because God, it's just amazing to keep these important points in mind while watching future episodes and tying them all together!
all this time, i truly believed that i'd be more attached to tanrak, but i'm honestly relating to barth a lot more! maybe it's because i went through that phase when i was younger, around their age. "your God didn't help me at all," I FELT THAT TO MY BONES 💔 i can feel the defeat and devastation barth's feeling. however, i do believe this resentment is valid. because... as someone who believes in God more than anything, like i said, i went through something similar. when things fucked you up and you turned to God, but He didn't answer you then—when He did, it was too late, and you lost all hope in Him... isn't that what we call growing up? that part really hits the spot in my heart, wow. i'll think about that line for the rest of the week.
i LOVE barth. i kept screaming bartholomew! when he's on screen 🤭😂 (consider me gone for this broken young fella 😅)
he's just so charismatic and i love how gemini execute him! i think he did such a great job at portraying this troublemaker who's just so lost and broken and lonely...
(tanrak, i understand you. i understand you so much.)
i see my younger self in him and it's making me emotional because that journey from being a believer to a sinner, then to a believer again, will always be difficult. it's going to be suffocating, but i'm sure barth will be breathing above water soon... of course, with a new batch of obstacles (that he can face, as long as tanrak is by his side).
i think barth and tanrak are experiencing so many 'firsts' together. barth feels seen and understood for the first time. tanrak feels the potent need to help someone—not only because tanrak is inherently kind, but he's genuinely seeing some parts of himself in barth that he can't say aloud or face. for example, this conversation in the pool:
in my opinion, barth asks this question because he might've questioned, to what extent is tanrak's faith in God, and has it ever wavered?
i find it interesting that tanrak doesn't really answer barth's question, as his reply feels a bit generic and 'expected' to me, because that split second of hesitation in tanrak's face speaks A LOT more than what he's saying afterwards.
it's open to interpretation, but the way i see it (and from personal experience), "i believe God is real" doesn't necessarily equate to
"i believe in God." i think this is such a pivotal point moving forward with the series because we'll see tanrak battling with his faith and desire to be with his parents in heaven or... follow his heart that leads to... barth.
i have to say, tanrak looks... sad. his eyes. his smile. his voice. there's that bone-deep sadness, almost resignation, with the way he carries himself. even when he's smiling, he doesn't look happy... (and my heart's breaking for my broken booboo 😭💔)
it's like... he has truly relinquished himself to God. that's not a bad thing. it s a good thing. but is there true happiness by doing so?
it's true, from what fourth said in the special ep, that tanrak feels too much, but no one sees those emotions. for me, it's not that tanrak is a good liar or a keeper of his real thoughts, but i think it's because everyone at school perceives tanrak as the 'good scholarship boy' and nothing else, which makes it more difficult for tanrak to be open to others—and most importantly, to himself. i see so many moments of tanrak contemplating to speak his mind or act out his thoughts, but those instances are overcome when it comes to barth... so i wonder if barth will become tanrak's exception, or better, salvation.
younger!tanrak is accepted to the 'house of God' so that he can be closer to his parents in heaven. i think, since that belief has been injected in tanrak since he was little, he doesn't really question a lot of things about God and the religion—because it has always been the right thing, the should be—not what would be.
it's true that God listens and keeps us safe. it's true that heaven is where we'll be for eternity—but is it?
and that question might've existed, or will surface, within tanrak, as he finds himself thinking, why is this path not making me feel truly fulfilled?
what i love about this series so far is the play of lighting when it comes to barth and tanrak. i notice that light is always shining on barth, but it's interesting that we know he's drowning in darkness (losing faith and the spark to live). and it's interesting, somewhat ironic, that darkness sometimes consumes tanrak. i find that intriguing because it's such a great irony to the inner battles tanrak experiences—further enhanced when barth enters his life.
lights/colours of yellow/white surrounding barth, signifying that God is always there for him, but he doesn't see it in that manner.
it's a bit different with tanrak, in my opinion...
these are instances, i believe, that tanrak allows himself to be seen, with the darkness that is like stillwater in his heart, but no one seems to notice the cracks, until barth...
what truly surprises me is that i can't believe they actually start the story with the current timeline! i'm so stoked that this series is told from the present to past! it makes a lot of sense to me. and God older!barth tho 😭 it's just so good Lord it's good 😭❤️ i'm going to be so sick if the series ends with older!barthtanrak finally meeting again after 20 years... and that marriage equality bill they hinted in the opening? i'm manifesting that barthtanrak will get married by then, and father arnon could be officiating their marriage! 😭😭😭 (in p'aof i trust 😭)
light is now on him... and i believe that must mean something deeper. perhaps, in the future, he's a believer—maybe not entirely of God, but always, of tanrak.
