My name is Christine. I'm 31 years old. I'm tired of being so fat, so I've decided to do something about it. I'm keeping track of how things go on this side blog. Start date - March 29, 2014.
I’ve spent the last several months (since Easter) trying to figure out why I feel so sick all the time and why food hates me. Turns out, I’m majorly intolerant/possibly allergic to eggs. The final straw came last week after my last avoidance-then-eat experiment I tried. I’ll spare the gory details, but the feeling of my throat swelling up, like something is stuck in it that I can’t swallow, is not a fun feeling. I almost went to the ER because I was afraid it would get worse, but thankfully it didn’t. I won’t be doing that experiment again.
So now in addition to being extremely lactose intolerant and having to avoid regular dairy that hasn’t been treated with lactase, I now have to avoid anything with eggs. I never realized they were in so many things I eat on a regular basis! Holy shit! No wonder I feel like death all the time.
If I still have digestive problems in a few months, I’ll have to pick another thing to cut out of my diet. Probably gluten. I have Hashimoto’s disease, and apparently gluten causes a lot of problems with that. I’ve tried a gluten free diet in the past. It lasted about 3 months and was a freaking nightmare. I don’t rec it unless it’s something that you have no choice over. So hard, and MAJOR expensive!
I know I should just switch to a vegan diet, possibly even a gluten free vegan diet, but I just cannot afford something like that. I’ve looked at recipes on pinterest, and some of those dishes would cost more to make than my entire family’s food budget for the week. Anyone have any advice for cheap and easy vegan food that doesn’t take a million ingredients that I can’t find in the store or take 6 hours to make? And ideally doesn’t taste like cardboard?
Pretty sure I say this every time I post because I do it so rarely, but it’s been a long time since last post.
Today is Thanksgiving. Technically, it will be, in about 3 minutes. I hate cooking turkeys. They are so big and awkward and heavy and sticking my hand in something that cold fucking HURTS! But I couldn’t talk the family out of having a bird, so I’m cooking one. Along with all the rest of the crap that goes with it. Thankfully, I hate pumpkin pie, so it won’t be as bad as it could be. I still got stuck baking them, but at least I don’t have to eat any.
I’ve lost a bit of weight finally. Took a while, but I did it. I’m now 287 (the scale actually said 285.8lbs the other day but I was a bit dehydrated so I’m not counting that), down from my highest of 327, so that means I’ve officially lost 40 pounds!
I can finally fit into the smaller jeans I’ve had stuffed in the back of my closet for the past few years. Problem is, they were old and worn when I put them there, and one of the three pairs fell apart after about a month or so of wearing them regularly. So now I have a pair that are tight (I think they are actually a size smaller than they say - they are all the same brand/style/size, but the blue ones are super snug) and a pair of light blue ones that I put a bunch of studs down the sides. I love them, but they don’t go with everything.
I can’t wait for tax refund time so I can go get some new clothes! Maybe if I don’t overdo Christmas, I’ll be down another size (or 2!) by then.
I just have to survive the bullshit that is today.
How the crap did I get to 2016 at over 300lbs?! What the fuck is wrong with me?
I hate Thanksgiving, but ended up having to not only participate, but host it. The original plan was for my kid to go to her grandmother’s and have dinner there while hubby and I chilled out at home. That didn’t happen. Instead, my mother ended up having cancer surgery and couldn’t cook, so I did instead.
There is almost no part of a Thanksgiving turkey dinner that I look forward to, as none of it is anything special to me. I tried to get away with making burgers or something, but family wasn’t having any of that. So $100 or so that I hadn’t budgeted for later, we had dinner. I’m not a turkey meat person, but the stock I made the next day with the carcass and some veggies was beyond delicious. Turns out, that shit’s really healthy, so I think I’ll be doing more of that. I did manage to pick up a second cheap turkey that’s in my deep freezer now.
Christmas followed, and as much as I actually like it, it doesn’t like me. My mom still isn’t up to doing the cooking, so that’s on me. I heated a ham and we did sandwiches like usual. (We learned some years back that Christmas is much more enjoyable if you aren’t stressed and stuck in the kitchen.)
But baking. That is my undoing, I swear. Everyone puts in their requests (make this cookie! make that cookie! don’t forget puppy chow! can you make fudge? etc, etc...) and I, being the eternal pushover that I am, comply. But then I end up with tons of sweets in front of me, and no willpower to avoid stuffing myself sick with them. I know it’s wrong and disgusting and unhealthy (and any other crap someone else might chime in with) but I don’t know how to stop myself. I give in, eat like shit, feel like shit, and eat because I feel like shit. Same thing I used to do when I was still actively bulimic without the purge stage.
God only knows how many calories I’ve stuffed into my face this December.
I’ve heard somewhere that the average person can gain 15lbs over the holiday months. I’m not sure how true that is, and thankfully I haven’t hit that number. But I have gained about 5 according to my scale. I don’t know how much is fat and how much is water weight (My period is due in about 2 days and my boobs are swollen so much they hurt and feel like they are going to burst) but it doesn’t matter. 5 lbs to me might as well be 50. I look in the mirror and see the next candidate for ‘My 600lb. Life.’ (I know I’m not 600lbs, it just fucking feels like it.)
It’s just another indicator of how much I’ve screwed up.
Been too long since I’ve been on here. I need to start doing this more.
Went to my doc for my flu shot yesterday, and he said I’ve lost 9 lbs since the last time I was in back in April, from 310 to 301 lbs. Yay!
Bought one of those mini stepper things too, to try and get moving. I don’t have room in my apartment for anything bigger, or even enough space for doing a workout video really. I thought it might be a good thing to try, and my daughter will get some use out of it too. Her doc says her muscles in her hips are underdeveloped and she’s had problems since she was a baby because of it. Since it’s a simple easy exercise that she seems to want to do, hopefully it will help us both. I did 5 minutes on it (100 reps) this morning and my hips and legs are sore, so it must be doing something.
This summer has sucked. I bought a brand new beautiful bike at the beginning of the year, but because of the temp going over 100 degrees or the town being choked in smoke from the wildfires, I still haven’t had a chance to take it out for a quick test ride, let alone go anywhere on it. Hopefully the weather will act like fall soon and I’ll get the chance.
Since it's been almost a year since last post, I'll update-
-I'm growing my hair out long, and it's decided on its own to be curly and I like it.
-I got my lip pierced October 17 and blew it out yesterday trying to switch from a hoop to a stud, so the healing process has to start all over again.
-My mom moved out of her trailer and into an apartment nicer than mine. My little brother moved to Florida, but he's living with our dad and stepmom, so HAHA. Sucks to be him.
-The kid is now in 3rd grade, and I'm fucking OLD.
-Walked to Walmart yesterday (about 3 miles) and shopped for about 2 hours, only to now have my hips hurt like I've been hit by a truck.
-Got on the scale today to see it hit 310. Pissed me off. I know a couple of those pounds are from PMS because of how close I am to being due (happens every month and they go away after the first day or two) but still. DO NOT WANT!
-I bought a bike (finally!) and as soon as I get a chance, I'm going to take it for a spin. Probably only around the block, because I put it together myself with no instruction manual and I'm sure I'll need to tweak a few things. I had a bike a few years ago, but it was a 26" and while it seemed okay in the store, actually riding it around was really hard because my legs weren't quite long enough. So now I have a 24" cruiser (a Diamondback! It's so PRETTY!!!) and hopefully that will make a difference.
Hopefully, given that it's a new year and all that jolly good shit, I'll do better at keeping up with this, and with trying to drop a few pounds. I'm realistic. I know I'm not going wake up tomorrow and be a size 6. But someday a size 16 again would be nice.
Got on the scale today and was thrilled to see 299.8lbs. It's the first time I've seen a scale below 300 in a few years. I would jump for joy if I didn't think it would kill me.
Went to the kid's school carnival last week. Regretting it now. Too many people crowded in one building.
Damned school children with their damned plague germs. I feel like shit. I hate being sick! This is why I'd rather stay home.
Exhausted. Spent the whole night watching the back of my eyelids, hoping I would eventually fall asleep. I did, but the sun was coming up already. not good. I have to go get the kid and take her to her dentist later, so if I go back to sleep, I'd only have about 3 hours tops before I'd have to get up and get ready to go.
Scale said 301.8lbs. I'm exhausted. Fuck everything.
Sent the kid to school. Didn't sleep hardly at all last night, so hubby let me go back to bed. Problem is, he let me sleep until 3:30pm. I needed it, but that means I didn't eat anything until then, or get on the scale.
When I finally did, it said 302.8lbs. So, happy for that. It puts me officially over 10 pounds lost. Now I just have to do it a dozen more times or so.
I hate food based holidays. My mother takes them over completely, and since I have a kid, I don't have the option to not participate. I couldn't get out of her house fast enough. She was constantly trying to shove food at me (mostly high calorie crap that I don't like - like sausage for breakfast and potato salad later - even without trying to lose weight) and then she'd get all guilt trippy if I didn't at least taste it. Ugh.
Thankfully, the rest of the family decided to eat dinner (late lunch) outside. I managed to avoid that by the amount of bees that were out (I'm not sure if I'm allergic, I was tested once as a kid. The test wasn't clear so the doc said if I was ever stung to go to the ER just in case. I've never been stung, and I'd like to keep it that way.)
Because she couldn't see what I ate (we did kind of a sandwich/veggie tray buffet thing) I got to eat what I wanted with getting bitched at. So, yay!
Also got to see my favorite aunt for the first time in almost two years. She recently moved back to town.
I didn't get on the scale this morning. I totally spaced it, having woken up way too early in order to get to her house before 6:30am. I wasn't even really awake. I'm just happy I managed to get my shoes on the right feet.
The past two days, I've stayed under my calorie count, but not by much. I have it set much lower than what I've seen it should be, but given how miserable it's made me feel, I can't imagine eating much more.
Hubby starts his new earlier work hours tonight, so hopefully I'll be able to stay awake long enough to do some squats. I'm picking up 30ds tomorrow night. We walked to my mom's and walked back, so I don't really feel too guilty about being lazy tonight.
So I've been doing a little research on this whole calorie counting thing, and apparently I've been eating only about half the amount of calories I should be for my height and weight. And I should be eating more often. Oops. That might be why I've been hovering about the same weight for a week or so. That might have contributed to feeling weird while working out last night. I'm going to skip 30ds and just do squats tonight to help even things out, and then start eating a bit more tomorrow.
I don't really feel hungry though. Or maybe I just like the feeling of an empty stomach too much. That used to be an issue, so I should probably be a bit more careful about that.
I lost weight in high school, but it was only because I was too busy to eat more than once or twice a day and I was walking EVERYWHERE, several miles a day, instead of actually being in class. So needless to say, my stomach was empty a good chunk of the day. (Occasionally I would get a Ritalin from a friend, but that was really pretty rare, usually only if I had a test or something I had no option to skip. I have a hard time paying attention to shit like that and sitting still long enough to finish, and it helped a lot.) And I didn't eat at home because my step-mom liked to make a scene, telling me that I shouldn't be eating that day because I didn't deserve it and hadn't earned it. She physically pushed me out of the kitchen (she's 6' and a 200lb+ black belt - I didn't have a chance in hell against her) on more than one occasion and it just wasn't worth it after while.
Besides, my dad gave me $3 a day for lunch/breakfast/bus fare a day, so if I was hungry I used that. Plus, I had a student bus pass, so I only paid half of what my dad thought I did. I usually just saved it though. I would have a pretty good chunk of cash they didn't know about (usually singles though) at any given point. I used it to buy new clothes once in a while when my old ones got too loose to wear, among other random teenager things like accessories and smokes. (Thankfully I've quit since then.)
Yes, I realize what she was doing would be considered child abuse, and it was completely fucked up, but it is what it is. She's the reason I had to move back in with my mom on the other side of the country. I wasn't 18 yet, and I didn't have any other choice. I didn't meet the state requirements for emancipation.
I now have to learn the right way to do shit now, instead of the way I did back then, and it's not easy. I have no idea what the fuck I'm doing, and no one to point me in the right direction. I have to go by what I'm reading online and try to decipher the dangerous bullshit from what's healthy, safe, and works.
Talk about walking around blindfolded in a mine field.
I got on the scale this morning and found that I've gained 2 1/2 lbs overnight. I don't know why, but it pisses me off and makes me feel like everything I've done is useless and not going to work for me.
I'm having a hard time finding the motivation to do anything productive today. All I want to do is sit on the couch, have a few beers, and binge on crap and an entire season of The Simpsons. The last thing I want to do is work out.
- I want to be able to wear normal clothes. I hate the fact that I'm too big to even fit in most of the clothes that are for plus size women. I wear anywhere between a 26 and a 28, and most places with the pretty plus size clothes only go up to a 24, and it's usually a fairly small 24. I can only seem to find clothes at Onestopplus, and I'm tired of dressing like an old woman.
- I want to be able to walk around town, on any day of the year, without huffing and puffing and yawning to try to get my breath. Also, My hands and ankles and face swell up like a bright red balloon when it's anywhere above 50 degrees outside. I'd like to go for a walk on a nice day and not feel like I'm going to die after a quarter mile.
- I have all kinds of health issues, from thyroid to GERD. I've had acid reflux since I was born so I don't think that will ever go away. I made it worse when I was a teenager with binging and purging and herniating my stomach. I'm hoping if I lose weight it will help that, and I can stop taking the pills everyday that have been shown to give you cancer if you take them for a long enough time.
- I want to be able to walk down the street and not have people moo at me from their cars as they drive by, or yell out insults or throw things at me. I don't know if I want them to whistle at me as a good thing either, but it might be better. I've never had the chance to know.
- I want to not sweat so damn much. I hate that I sweat through my clothes when it is even the slightest bit warm, when everyone else is just enjoying themselves. It's mortifying.
- The county fair this year happens in August, which is one of the hottest months of the year here. Seether is playing this year, and I want to go. I don't want to have to be taken out by an ambulance because I had a heatstroke or a heart attack. I want to enjoy the day and see everything and make it through the concert that night.
- My brother has a bicycle and goes all over town for the day on it. He tells me some of the cool places he goes, and I'd like to be able to go with him sometimes. I can't do that now. Even if I could find a bike that could hold my weight (not easy since most have like a 200lb weight limit, unless I want to shell out several hundred for one to hold me now) I don't have the strength or stamina to ride it. I also remember how much it hurt the bones in my pelvis when I rode a bike at 120lbs lighter. I think if I were to do it now, I would literally break my ass.
- I want to wear high heels. I want to be able to put on the kind with a skinny heel and not have to worry about it snapping under my weight or wearing down the tip in one or two wears. Don't get me wrong, I love the heels I have now, but they are low, and the heels are chunky. They are cute and look fine, but I feel like a cow on stilts. Plus, they fucking hurt with all the pressure on my bones. Come to think of it, why the hell do I love them so much?
- I want to be able to go into a store and buy a pretty bra that supports without hurting my back. I hate having to wear front hook bras simply because I can't get my arms twisted enough to hook them in the back. I hate having to choose between white, beige, or black as my only color options. I don't want a granny bra. I want something pretty, maybe even matching panties to go with it. And I don't want them buried under an apron of stomach flab.
- I want to move to Florida someday. I was born there. I grew up there. And I want to go back and not be ashamed of myself when I go to the beach. I don't want to be worried that someone is going to call Greenpeace to roll the whale back into the ocean. I'd love to be able to wear a two-piece bathing suit for the first time in my life, maybe even a bikini.
- I want to not be ashamed to put my picture on Facebook. My friends haven't seen my face in 10 years and 100+ pounds. I would love to at least get down to close to my high school weight. I was heavy then too, but the fact that it's only gotten worse makes me feel like shit.
- As stupid as it is at my age (I'm 28) I would love to get my belly button pierced. I couldn't imagine doing it now. Besides the humiliation, I'm not sure it would heal. I have a few tattoos I want, but I don't want them sagging later because I got them before losing weight. I'd love to get snakebites, even if I am too old for them. To me, they are so fucking sexy, but they wouldn't be on my at this size. However, I scar funny, so I don't know if they will ever be an option. I have to do more research on that.
- I want contact lenses, but I feel like my glasses help balance out the fat in my face. I feel like my eyes disappear into everything without them. Maybe they will look better when my face thins out a bit.
- Neck fat. I hate having a double chin. It feels like I'm being choked 24/7, and it's worse if I'm on my back or looking down, because it just pushes the fat upwards. Plus, I'd love to wear a necklace and not lose it under a fat roll. Don't get me started on the gross sweat thing either.
-I want to be able to play with my daughter. She's 8, and I'm missing out on playing outside with her, and she's missing out on having a mom. It's not fair to either of us.
- Sex. I'd love to be able to top once in a while, but as big as I am with the fact that hubby is pretty big too means that I can't put my knees on the bed if I straddle him. I don't want to hurt either one of us, but I want to try something different once in a while.
- I want normal furniture without worrying if the piece I sit in is going to collapse underneath me. It's happened before. I also want chairs that don't pinch my thighs because I'm too wide for the seat.
- I want to fly and not worry that I'm going to have to pay for an extra ticket. Or that I'm going to need a seat belt extender. I don't want to fly with my legs crossed for several hours because I won't fit in the tiny bathroom to pee. Also, on a side note, I want to fit in a regular bathroom stall and not have to use the handicap one in public.
- I want to play my guitar without having to shove a boob out of the way, or have the guitar flat in my lap because my gut is too big to hold the guitar correctly. I'd love to be able to play properly. Maybe I'll even learn how to play for real instead of just screwing around with it once in a while.
-I want to get on the public bus and not feel the damn thing tip heavily to the side. I want to be able to walk down the aisle without turning sideways or bumping into people. I hate when people do that to me, and I hate that I do it to others.
-I want to learn to drive. Last time I got behind the wheel of a car, my stomach pushed into the wheel and the seat was all the way back. I don't think that's a safe way to drive.
- I want to go out to eat and not feel like everyone is staring at me.
- I want to be able to run, for fun or exercise, or just because someone or something is after me, without my boobs bouncing or my stomach slapping so hard I can't breathe. It might be the difference between life and death some day.
- I don't want to be miserable anymore.
- I don't want to die just because I like pizza too much.
Did my 55 squats for day two of the squat challenge. Did day 3 of 30ds, and almost blacked out. Fun.
I started a new medication today and was told it might screw with my blood pressure. Apparently it is. I had almost as hard of a time today as the first day and my legs just refused move. My vision got screwed and black at the edges, like when it's insanely hot outside (triple digits) and I've gotten very dehydrated. I made it, but it fucking sucked. It was worse doing the up and down than doing something in one spot. Not very good for motivation to continue.
Still going to do it tomorrow. I'll stick it through the next week or so, and if it's still a problem, the doc's getting a phone call.
Did day 2 of 30ds last night. Woke up not as sore but dead tired since I was only able to get a few hours of sleep (yet again.) Got the kid fed, dressed, and on the bus to school then I went back to sleep for a few hours. I woke up (the second time) and got on the scale. 305.2lbs. Yay!
Tonight - day 2 squat challenge - 55 squats, day 3 30ds.
Hopefully hubby goes to work early tonight. I need to be able to get this shit done earlier so I don't get stuck being awake until midnight or later. Thankfully his shift will start an hour earlier after Easter.
Told myself I wouldn't watch Glee tonight until I finished. And since I LOVE Glee, not watching it is just not an option.
Anyway, still couldn't quite keep up, but I did a bit better having an idea of what was coming and when. Sweaty and gross, but I suppose that's a good thing. We'll see how much it hurts in the morning.
I don't know. Maybe I'm a masochist, because being sore and barely able to walk the next day feels good.
I never realized how hard those damn things were. My legs are burning and I was breathing harder than I thought I would be. It only took a few minutes, but damn.
Okay, I was bad. Sort of. I didn't do day 2 of 30ds last night like I was supposed to. Hubby and I had gone out earlier yesterday to get the kid some things to put in her easter basket and we would up walking around town for like 2 hours. Add that to being insanely sore from the night before, and I was barely able to walk down the hall let alone do 30ds.
I was still really sore this morning, but I had a dr's appointment so I had to go out. It's only a half mile to the bus stop, so I managed that fairly easy. It's not like it's the first time I've taken the bus.
I wound up missing the bus home by about 5 minutes and I had no desire to wait by the side of the road breathing in car exhaust for an hour to wait for the next one. So I started walking. Went into one of the shops downtown, looked around, etc, and wound up walking all the way home, so about 2.5 miles, mostly uphill.
When I got home, hubby asked why it took so long to get home. I told him I walked. He told me that it shouldn't take that long to walk home from the bus stop. I told him I walked the whole way home, and he called me a liar. He didn't believe me until I showed him how swollen my fingers had gotten (something that happens if I'm working out or walking a long time or if it's hot) and how I couldn't get my wedding ring off. Then he believed me, or so he said. Not sure how to feel about that. Does he really think I'm lazy, or am I so fat that it's just unrealistic for me to walk somewhere?
I feel okay for now. If I don't later, I'll take something. One way or the other, I'm doing day 2.
Did anyone get the number for that semi truck that just fucking hit me?
OMG, ouch. Can barely move this morning. Going to be worth it though. As much as everything hurts, I've been here years ago when I was just starting martial arts in junior high. I was much lighter then, so this is way better I guess. It kicked my ass then too but it fucking WORKED so I'm happy. A few ibuprofen and I'll be fine. Not looking forward to doing it again tonight, but I will anyways.
