January 3, 2016 3:45am
How the crap did I get to 2016 at over 300lbs?! What the fuck is wrong with me?
I hate Thanksgiving, but ended up having to not only participate, but host it. The original plan was for my kid to go to her grandmother’s and have dinner there while hubby and I chilled out at home. That didn’t happen. Instead, my mother ended up having cancer surgery and couldn’t cook, so I did instead.
There is almost no part of a Thanksgiving turkey dinner that I look forward to, as none of it is anything special to me. I tried to get away with making burgers or something, but family wasn’t having any of that. So $100 or so that I hadn’t budgeted for later, we had dinner. I’m not a turkey meat person, but the stock I made the next day with the carcass and some veggies was beyond delicious. Turns out, that shit’s really healthy, so I think I’ll be doing more of that. I did manage to pick up a second cheap turkey that’s in my deep freezer now.
Christmas followed, and as much as I actually like it, it doesn’t like me. My mom still isn’t up to doing the cooking, so that’s on me. I heated a ham and we did sandwiches like usual. (We learned some years back that Christmas is much more enjoyable if you aren’t stressed and stuck in the kitchen.)
But baking. That is my undoing, I swear. Everyone puts in their requests (make this cookie! make that cookie! don’t forget puppy chow! can you make fudge? etc, etc...) and I, being the eternal pushover that I am, comply. But then I end up with tons of sweets in front of me, and no willpower to avoid stuffing myself sick with them. I know it’s wrong and disgusting and unhealthy (and any other crap someone else might chime in with) but I don’t know how to stop myself. I give in, eat like shit, feel like shit, and eat because I feel like shit. Same thing I used to do when I was still actively bulimic without the purge stage. God only knows how many calories I’ve stuffed into my face this December.
I’ve heard somewhere that the average person can gain 15lbs over the holiday months. I’m not sure how true that is, and thankfully I haven’t hit that number. But I have gained about 5 according to my scale. I don’t know how much is fat and how much is water weight (My period is due in about 2 days and my boobs are swollen so much they hurt and feel like they are going to burst) but it doesn’t matter. 5 lbs to me might as well be 50. I look in the mirror and see the next candidate for ‘My 600lb. Life.’ (I know I’m not 600lbs, it just fucking feels like it.)
It’s just another indicator of how much I’ve screwed up.