kat’s corner

diary of a neurodivergent queer 23, she/her

[atypicalsapphic]

Welcome to my blog

Hey guys, I'm Kat (she/her). I've dabbled in blogging multiple times throughout the past few years, but none of my blogs ever lasted because I always ended up losing the inspiration to keep up with it. But I'm determined to see it through this time. So welcome to my (hopefully long-lasting) blog!

Here's a little bit about me. I was born in '03 and I come from a tiny island in Europe called Malta. I graduated university with both a BA and an MA in International Relations, and I recently started out my career as a journalist. I am a political enthusiast and so this job is the perfect fit for me, and I am very happy to be doing what I'm doing.

I also happen to be autistic and lesbian, and although those identities don't define me, they form a big part of my life. My autism has made it difficult for me to form and maintain relationships with people. As a result I've experienced long periods of loneliness. But today I have a wonderful group of friends, and although that loneliness hasn't completely vanished, I've made peace with it.

Being a lesbian oftentimes means that you're the only girl in the room who isn't attracted to men, and that in and of itself is an isolating experience. And it certainly makes dating harder. But I consider myself extremely lucky to have experienced romantic love in my life, and I am confident that I will find it again.

What do I plan to write about on this blog? Well, anything really. I want to write about my thoughts, my feelings and my experiences. I want to document my growth as a person navigating her career, her social life, and maybe even her love life.

That's all from me today. Thanks for reading, and I hope you enjoy my work.

[atypicalsapphic]

Take control of your life

I don't believe in waiting for the right moment, because in truth the moment will never be right. So whatever it is that you want to do, start. Start that degree, start learning how to code, start planning your next trip. Because the time will pass anyway, so you might as well start.

I'm happy to say that I've adopted that mindset and I'm taking control of my life. Things might not be exactly how I want them to be right now, but I have faith that I'll make it there one day. There's nothing holding me back.

[atypicalsapphic]

If you really love someone, no matter their baggage, you will never see them as a burden.

[atypicalsapphic]

Imposter syndrome

When I was studying International Relations at uni, I used to get that dreaded imposter syndrome that made me feel like I wasn't in the right place. Everyone in my course knew more about geopolitical affairs than me. I also wasn't the best at writing essays, in fact, the experience made me realise that my brain is probably wired better for maths-related subjects.

But I graduated, and now I'm working a job that I love, so all's well that ends well I guess? I really can't imagine myself working in IT or something of the sort, which was what I initially planned to study when I was 16. Maybe I would have been better at it, but I wouldn't have been passionate about it, and that's what really matters.

I am right where I'm supposed to be.

[atypicalsapphic]

Out of my control

For like the first time in forever, I'm living my life by just letting things happen rather than trying to control them. There are things I'm worried about, of course. I'm worried my friendship with Mia will fade into oblivion, I'm worried that Sam not inviting Jade or Lisa to his birthday party will lead to our group falling out, I'm worried I won't like someone romantically for a really long time. I'm worried about all these things yet I'm just letting them play out, because at the end of the day, they're out of my control.

Of course, I do my part. I message Mia every time she's in Malta to plan a hangout. I swipe through Tinder and Bumble and go on the occasional date with the girls I match with. I do what I can control, but the rest is in the hands of god.

And so I don't get angry when Mia leaves me on delivered for days at a time. I don't get upset when a romantic encounter doesn't work out. Because what is meant to be will happen, and all I have to do is keep my head up high and be patient for what's to come.

[atypicalsapphic]

Travel

If I could do anything over the next year and no one else knew about it, I'd travel. Quit my job and spend all my savings visiting different places and meeting new people. I know in the past as a dumb teenager I took travel for granted. But now that I'm older and working full time and I know how valuable a holiday is, I find myself counting down the days till my next trip.

If I could, I'd start a travel-themed TikTok page and document my journeys. I'd visit places far away, like Japan and China. I'd stay in hostels where I could meet fellow travellers and we could go sightseeing or bar hopping together.

I know the idea of spending all of my money on a big adventure like that is insane, and unfortunately, unfeasible. But a girl can dream, ok?

[atypicalsapphic]

On being single

As I said in my previous post, I'm happy being single for the time being. Key phrase, for the time being. While I'm not in any rush to settle down into a relationship, it still feels like my life is 'unfinished' without it. I don't think I could be fully content and fulfilled as a single person, especially knowing how much meaning a loving relationship could bring to my life.

Some might argue that this is an unhealthy way of thinking, that another person can't 'complete' you, and that you should learn to be happy on your own. Sure, but I think it's only natural to dream of spending your life with another person. Maybe even building a family with them.

In that sense, singleness is kind of like a transient phase. It's a state of uncertainty, not having a clue how your life will unfold. People in relationships have a sense of stability and comfort that I just don't have yet.

The point of this post is not to complain about being single. I'm only 23 and I have loads of time to find the person I'd like to settle down with. But I just wanted to explain that my life feels a bit uncertain because of it. I yearn for more, and I know in my heart that the right person is out there somewhere.

PS, for those of you that were wondering how the date went, she was lovely but I don't think I really envision myself being with her. One day I will find the right person, but until then, I will wait.

[atypicalsapphic]

What if I never fall in love again?

That’s a question that I keep asking myself. Don’t get me wrong, I’m perfectly happy being single for the time being. I just got out of a relationship and I don’t necessarily feel the need to jump right into another one. 

However, something that bothers me is that my last relationship wasn’t love. I liked her as a person, but that spark, that feeling that you’re completely enamoured by a person just wasn’t there. I wanted it to be, but from my end it just wasn’t, and I couldn’t force those feelings to take shape, so I ended it. 

Sometimes I worry that I will never fall in love again. When I was 18 and madly in love with my then-girlfriend, I didn’t know how rare that feeling would be. I am envious of those who find love by just walking out of their front door. But I am not one of those people. I don’t connect with others easily. I’m a bit of a ‘loner’ as one might say. 

I don’t necessarily think that asking this question is a bad thing, if anything I think it’s a valid concern. Nothing is certain in life aside from death, so isn’t it natural to worry that your desires, your idea of a happy life, won’t come true?

Life is all about these uncertainties, at the end of the day. Just a few months ago I was asking myself, what if I never find a job that suits me? And now here I am. So I guess the lesson is not to lose hope. 

While we’re on the topic, I’m actually going on a date tomorrow. We’ve been talking on Instagram for a few days and we agreed to meet for a coffee. She’s really smart, definitely smarter than me, and we have a lot in common. I’m excited at the prospect of us dating, but I still do fear that it will be all for nothing and that it won’t be love. But I have to try at least. Who knows?

I’ll keep you guys updated. 

[atypicalsapphic]

Maria

We bumped into each other last week. You were a barista at Costa and I, unaware of this fact, stopped by with my colleague so that she could get an iced coffee. When you saw me you hid at first, but then you came back out and I nervously approached you to say hello. You pulled me to the side of the counter and we chatted for a good 5 minutes while my colleague waited for her coffee. We hugged and then after I left you added me on Instagram and sent me a message. We texted for a bit, just like old times, and now your name sits in my inbox.

I've since promised myself that contact between us will not become a regular thing. I can't be swept into you again. I've outgrown that phase of my life where you were my everything, and I was yours.

Then again, it's difficult for me to completely let go. I could have ignored you that day we bumped into each other, but I didn't, because I couldn't bring myself to. How could I pass up the opportunity to see how you're doing? To say hello to the person who I once called my best friend?

Even though what we had ended up in flames, you once gave me something invaluable: the knowledge that I am loveable, that I can be someone's first choice. I thought it was genuinely impossible until you came along and showed me it wasn't true. And for that, I will forever be grateful. A part of me still feels a bit stupid for letting you go, but what's done is done, and there's no use ruminating about it now.

You've served your purpose in my life, and you were an amazing experience. I will always think of you, I will always remember you. I might even slide up on your stories every once in a while. But, for my sake and for yours, I let you go.

[atypicalsapphic]

When I feel most like myself

For the first time in a long time, I feel like myself again. I’m happy, stable, and excited for what the future holds. I think the biggest factor that is making me feel this way is my job. Sure, working isn’t necessarily ‘fun’, but when you’re passionate about the field then it can be quite fulfilling and meaningful. 

Being surrounded by people who share the same passion as me makes me feel at home. I enjoy discussing politics with my like-minded colleagues. I also get to learn about the intricacies of the political system from them, and I find myself slowly building up an expertise on Maltese politics. 

Journalism sparks my curiosity in a way that no other field would be able to do. It has turned me into a determined, hard-working individual who cares about her work. And for that, I am immensely grateful. 

Last summer I worked a boring office job at a finance company, and I was absolutely miserable. Even though I’m now working for a smaller team with a lower salary, the difference it has made in comparison to my last job is phenomenal. I am now proud of my work and I come home feeling like I actually contributed something to society.

At the end of the day, you spend most of your waking hours at work, and so it has to be something that you somewhat enjoy or else you’ll be living a sad life. So my advice is pick a career that won’t make you dread waking up in the morning, but will instead fill you with pride. 

[atypicalsapphic]

What I keep avoiding

A few years ago, I acted incredibly immaturely and toxically as a result of a falling out between me and my ex, who was also my best friend. I'm not even going to go over what I did or said because frankly the memories are either too painful or too cringe. But there's this sinking feeling of guilt that I've been carrying for years that I've never really been able to let go of. I was never even able to discuss it in therapy because the shame surrounding these events was just too strong.

In the short term, avoidance of these memories allows me to live my life as if I've moved on from it all. I can bury it deep and act like everything's ok. Since then I've made new friends, dated new people, and built a life for myself that's completely separate from the person I was in the past. But in truth, deep down I am still the same person. And I'll never let myself forget that.

What might change if I addressed it directly, even in a small way? I honestly don't think it would make any difference. Whether I talk about it or not, it will always bug me a little bit. Maybe that's a good thing, maybe that means I've changed. If your past bothers you, then surely that means you've grown as a person, right?

I will keep avoiding it till the day it becomes such a distant memory that it doesn't even matter anymore. Maybe that's not the healthiest way to go about things, but it's the only way I can.

[atypicalsapphic]

Dear Kat one year from now

I hope you’re doing well. There are so many questions I want to ask you. Are you still happy at work? Are you dating anyone? How’s the friend group doing? What trips are you planning next? Are you feeling okay mentally? How’s your chess ELO? 

Apologies, I’m getting a bit ahead of myself. The reason I want to know all this is because things have been really good on my end, and I want to know whether it will last. I’m happy at work and I see myself working here long-term, and so I’d love to have the peace of mind that nothing will come in the way of that. I hope you’ve finally gotten rid of that pesky imposter syndrome that creeps up in my mind every now and then. And I also hope that you’ve gotten better at taking notes while the ministers talk really fast during press conferences. 

You and I both know how hard dating can be for us, and so chances are that you’re probably still single. But that’s ok. You’re still young and you have many years to find your soulmate, so don’t sweat it. It will happen when the time is right. 

Right now, I’m not really seeing my friends much because Mia and Sam are abroad and the rest are at stuck studying and doing assignments. But we still chat everyday and I even have plans to go abroad with them next month. I hope the group is still as strong as ever in a year from now. These are the people I want to share my life with and it would break my heart if we drifted apart. 

I hope you’re making use of your 27 days of vacation leave to visit some cool places. I’ll be going to Sicily, Florence and Porto this summer. I feel like I’ve definitely developed an appreciation for travelling ever since I started working full time. Back when I was a student I didn’t appreciate it much because I had so much free time especially during summer, Christmas and Easter that I didn’t really understand the value of a vacation. But now that I only have 27 days off a year (excluding weekends of course), I want to make the most of it. Despite working a 9-5, I am determined to strike a good work-life balance that leaves me fulfilled.

As of late my mental health has been really good and I think I’ve managed to let go of the things I’ve been holding on to for the past few years. I hope it stays that way of course. I know chances are that over the next year I’ll have a few bad days, but I hope they remain simply that, and don’t extend to a longer period of time. But if I continue taking my meds every day, it shouldn’t be an issue. 

With regards to chess, I feel like I’m at a bit of an impasse. I’m not really getting any better. Someone I met at a tournament once told me that in order to really improve I need to hire a coach, but I don’t really have the motivation to do that. I like chess being my little hobby that I don’t take too seriously. So if I had to make a guess, I’d say you’re still stuck around the 1400 mark. But who knows? Maybe you’ll prove me wrong.

I think that covers everything. I look forward to hearing from you!

Regards,

Kat

[atypicalsapphic]

I am a lonely person

Something that I've come to accept as true over the past 2 years is that I am a lonely person. I spent many years fighting it, surrounding myself with people just to avoid solitude, but that hole in my heart was never quite filled.

This all started to make sense when I got my autism diagnosis at the ripe old age of 21. It explained why I struggle so much to make friends, why people often get annoyed or put off by me, and why I just felt so out of place in every social situation I found myself in.

After many years, I've finally made peace with it. I don't mind keeping to myself anymore. I don't mind being single, and I don't mind spending my weekends alone at home.

Of course, the danger with being so at peace with being lonely is that it becomes a bit of a self-fulfilling prophecy. I know I struggle to connect with people, so I end up not trying. Because I don't try, then I don't connect with people. And because I don't connect with people, my belief that I am 'destined' to be lonely is reinforced.

And so my acceptance of my lonely state could simultaneously be helping me grow whilst also holding me back. It's a bit of a paradox. It's nice to finally be confident in myself, rather than being desperate to be someone I'm not. But at the same time, should I be so comfortable in my own skin that I've accepted such a somber fact about myself, instead of trying to change it?

Now, don't get me wrong, the fact that I'm lonely doesn't mean that I don't have any friends. From an outsider point of view, I might not seem lonely at all. I have a fantastic group of friends who love me, but sometimes even that isn't enough to make one feel whole. Even though my friends are wonderful, the feeling of being an outsider still lingers, and the hole in my heart still aches.

But at the same time, I'm confident that this feeling won't last forever. Slowly but surely, I'll find my place in this world.