I need to scream this shit into the void. I'm so angry.
You cheated on me. And i hate you for it. I don't want you to hate yourself and idw you to be sorry. I want you to be better. I want to trust you. And I want her to stop existing. I can't handle the fact that you love and miss her and want her back. I hate her fucking guts and if it weren't for your feelings for her I'd happily day dream of her getting fun over by a fucking train. And every time I think about what you out me through I feel like I deserve better than you. I still love you and I still enjoy my time with you but only until i remember what happened. I hate her and I hate you for doing this to me and I have no idea if I will ever be able to move past it. I do know that as long as you actively love her and wish she was in your life that I will not be able to forgive you. I don't ever want her in my life again. I don't care if she magically changes. I don't want her ever cross my mind for as long as I live and yet she does. Almost every single day. Every time you're in a bad mood, every time you break down, every time I use your fucking disney+ or hulu. Every time I hear songs that used to make me think of us all I can think of now is her and everything you did and it makes me sick. It makes my skin crawl to think you had the fucking audacity to TOUCH ME. You had no fucking right to use me like that. You disrespected me. You treated me like a fucking sex doll. You were selfish and grubby and horrible. You violated me emotionally and physically and you haven't even begun to make up for that. Idek how you can. I love you and I hate your guts and I'm fucking tired of it. You aren't forgiven and idk if you ever will be but I care too damn much about you to act on my feelings. Cause while i sit here crying writing this out, part of me wants to hug you but most of me wants to beat your face in and scream at you until you feel as bad as I do.
And I'm fucking over not being able to talk to my friends a out this because you're worried about how they'll think of you. that's some selfish fucking bullshit. You don't get to pretend this didn't happen! Fuck. That. You don't get to guilt me into not telling my friends that you FUCKED UP. You're a fucking pathetic piece of shit. Thinking you're such a good guy when you aren't. You don't get to be a "good person" if you keep doing bad things. You don't get to be angry at me for reacting to the ways you've treated me and telling me that I'm wrong for thinking of you like that. MAYBE YOU'RE WRONG FOR BEING THAT WAY IN THE FIRST PLACE YOU FUCKING ASSHOLE! You don't deserve my love, you don't appreciate just how fucking wonderful I am and i get it. You're fucking torn up over her but guess what bub, you have to be better. Because you. Do NOT deserve me and I'm sick of waiting for you to turn into someone who does. I hate your fucking face and i hate that I love you. I wish I didn't. I wish I could just fucking be done with you and idk why I can't. Idfk what's wrong with me that I stuck around. I think it just means I'm weak.
