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Artist & Author - Clexa fanfic writer "Hold Me Down" & "Is It Over Now?" @kb_1811 both ao3/wattpad She/her | 30s | Bisexual

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“Is It Over Now?” || A Taylor-Swift Inspired Clexa AU

Clarke & Lexa are celebrities in LA's Hollywood scene, & have been broken up for a while, but can't quite move on from each other. Their pride & egos keep getting in the way & they bicker about absolutely everything - especially the reason they broke up in the first place.

No matter how many times Clarke tries to tell herself that this thing....whatever it is between her & Lexa is over for GOOD this time... is it ever really?

or

The one where two idiots wanna have a contest of who can act like they care less… 😑

An Archive of Our Own, a project of the Organization for Transformative Works

[ariesrin]

Arguments That Are Actually Foreplay

❃ Arguing over who started it when both of them know exactly when it turned personal.

❃ Standing far too close just to prove a point.

❃ Crossing arms, uncrossing them, then using the table for balance.

❃ Storming off with the expectation of being followed

❃ Disagreeing just to keep the conversation going.

❃ “Say that again.”

❃ “Don’t look at me like that.”

❃ “You’re not listening to me.” “I am. You’re just wrong.”

❃ “Don’t touch me.” “I didn’t.” “You were about to.”

❃ “You're so annoying.”

❃ “You're enjoying this.”

❃“You love pushing my buttons.” “You love that I know where they are.”

❃“You’re playing a dangerous game.” “You’re the one who taught me how.”

[luna-azzurra]

Most writers don't have a writing problem. they have a finishing problem. and finishing is its own completely different skill that has almost nothing to do with talent. finishing requires you to be okay with the thing being real, being done, existing in the world where people can have opinions about it.

And a lot of people would rather keep it unfinished and perfect in their head than done and flawed and out there. an unfinished draft can still be anything. once you finish it, it becomes one specific thing with specific failures that specific people can point to. so you keep tweaking. you keep saying it's not ready. you go back to the beginning again.

And the years pass and you are a person who is always working on something and never the person who made something. and those are two completely different people with two completely different relationships to this thing they claim to love.

[unsolids-your-snake]

My favorite thing about fanfic authors is they can identify any gap in a canon timeline where characters are offscreen and exploit the ever living fuck out of it

They see a time skip of any length and go

[icy-spicy]

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“So Lexa is on a journey of needing to come to terms with….”when do I finally shed this persona… when do I stop living to please everyone else…stop being what everyone EXPECTS of me… Bc this poor girl is getting eaten alive from the inside out living such an inauthentic and performative life…except the moments she’s with costia, where she’s just overcome with guilt about feeling too damaged and broken to ever give Costia the love she actually deserves from someone. “

😭

I love your writing and this world you’ve built 💖

How does she feel in the moments she’s been having with Clarke? Does she feel performative then too or just guarded?

You nailed it 🥺😭🎯

When she’s with Clarke, early on it was such a visceral release everytime, like an addict breaking years of sobriety simultaneously falling back into the addiction and rush of it all - while at the same time skeptical that there really WAS any true meaning behind their flared-up sexual tension. So early on she certainly is still hiding behind the performative-ness of it all with their cat and mouse banter and tension.

As we see Luna become a more prominent figure in Clarke’s life…. Lexa remains mostly guarded in a majority of their interactions. She’s become so used to everyone around her using her for their own means & ends, to where even now she’s overly cautious whether that’s all this is between her and Clarke as things really heat up….bc part of her truly believes any real chance of getting back together has been fucked up beyond repair…especially considering the public(and friend group!) reactions/backlash to any attempt at public reconciliation….and while she’s terrified to voice her feelings because of how harshly she was rejected by Clarke in the flashback(s) following their breakup, eventually we see her soften and start feeling safe enough again to be vulnerable in those quiet moments, or through her signature gestures like leaving little notes, the valentines get-well basket/gesture….and showing up at Clarke’s gallery showcase🥺

The Costia stuff….phew, man….yes it’s guilt because Lexa does feel far too damaged with her self-deprecation, and knows Costia deserves SO MUCH more, but also part of that guilt is Lexa knowing she could never love Costia the way she loved Clarke anyways so even if she wanted to go all-in, her whole heart would never be fully in it.

**I’ve really tried to use the Lostia evolution to showcase how important and strong platonic love can be in people’s lives also. The way Lexa says multiple times how much she just genuinely cares about Costia, even without any of the sex. How she could see Costia being in her life as just a friend and being just as happy. (Intimacy with Lexa in this story is just… a bit fucked up and tbh a lot of those struggles are closely tied to my own abnormal relationship to intimacy…the end of “New Romantics chapter when Lexa is laying on top of Costia hits me extra hard because I didn’t realize when I wrote it how much that moment came from my own experience)

Ultimately, all Lexa wants is for Clarke to just finally SEE that real side of her never went anywhere. It’s right here if that’s what Clarke truly wants too… but it’s definitely fragile and only shown in small glimpses, because poor Lexa just cannot handle much more Clarke-related pain😩 so yes there’s still that tendency to want to keep her at arms-length out of self-protection until she sees that authenticity reciprocated by Clarke.

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Haven’t seen you post in a while hope you’re good!

How long after the break up was it when they first saw each other in person and what happened?

Hey!! 👋🏻 Yes I’ve been good, just busy with normal life stuff….perpetually trying to find a rhythm and time it takes to fully step back into my creative writing headspace.

To answer your question - There’s a flashback at the end of the chapter “Mine (Costia’s version)” that shows their first face-to-face interaction post-breakup, which was about 6mo after the infamous “premier” incident.

Lexa was able to get from Anya the event Clarke would be at, so she could try to talk to her. (Spoiler, it doesn’t go well) with Clarke leaving the event abruptly once she notices Lexa there, spewing some pretty harsh words in Lexa’s direction as she waits for her ride.

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Hi 😊 I Love your fic! I was just wondering in this universe does someone like call her daddy exist. Would Lexa do a podcast like that and talk about the break up in any way or would she never publicly address it? 💖

Oooohhhhhhh well if THATS not a super fun idea that may or may not have just given me some rejuvenated inspo 🤭🤭🤭

I’d imagine Lexa would agree to do that sort of podcast as part of a promo run…. But that would have to be for a certain kind of movie she’s starring in, so perhaps she’d finally making some crossover into like a true Rom com role getting to step out of the apocalyptic/action/thriller badass roles she has become famous for.

Podcaster prods how it feels having to channel a much softer side (perhaps she even has to play opposite a male love interest?) 🤭 and the host(s) have fun getting into the weeds about her REAL mess of a love life (seemingly) and even joking offer her the chance to speak on the years’ worth of speculation and rumors…. Perhaps they ask about her and Costia…. Bc they will DEF ask about her past with Clarke, and what their affiliation with each other is now…

depending on where that might fall in the story from where we’ve left off and where I plan to take it would affect how Lexa responds. (And to give examples or context would by default give spoilers for where the story is still yet to head soooooo 🙈)

I love love LOVE you for posing that question bc this idea actually makes perfect sense for this story!!🙌🏼 And I’d love to credit that prompt accordingly when the time comes (if you wanted….)🫣

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Was there a specific moment she started painting again? Working with her students or does it coincide with her and Lexa talking again?

Since we know Clarke hasn’t produced any new work of her own since the breakup…. We know it’s not that she STOPPED painting… so while it’s not specified, sometime likely around the time she broke up with Niylah about a year later she was finally ready to sit back down in her studio….

A few parts of the story point out every time Clarke sits down to paint…since it’s her form of therapy pretty much…. Her hands just move on their own and she gets lost in her thoughts…. And always finds herself painting this same sort of thing/image… alluding to a memory we have not yet seen in the story 🫣

…refresher when she’s giving Luna a tour of her gallery and gets nervous she will go look at the group of canvases covered up in the corner… (which she also worries Lexa may have seen the night of the student showcase)👇🏻

….and then here’s the painting session (ch. “Modern Idiots pt2- Nostaligia is the minds trick”) when she gets lost in some old memories of her and Lexa (doing super short memory snippets in that chapter were so fun🥺 giving tiny peeks into their past)👇🏻

the photo should be familiar…since it’s Clarke’s fav one of Lexa (from this not yet seen memory she refuses to let her mind dwell on🥺)

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its been a while since I read the story, so please forgive me if I'm remembering this wrong or if I'm misconstruing anything, but when I first read about Lexa buying the artwork, I had this expectation and build up in my head of this being something that brings them closer or even has a profound impact on clarkes misunderstandings about Lexa and her big heart. Lexa having bought the paintings seems to have done nothing but caused a minor panic/upset/guilt trip? in Clarke and nothing else. This excellent plot point, seems to have lost its fantastic-ness in other plot points. We've moved past it from between these two, maybe if the friends or raven know of it, it'll be reason to bring it up again, maybe. I'm so sorry, if I'm being annoying. I love your work.

I appreciate your thoughts, and will admit a lot of my favorite threads that are meant to weave throughout the length of the story (like this song Clarke is writing in pieces…… and these mystery canvases covered up in the corner of Clarke’s art studio) suffer from the overall length the story is being drawn out into 🤦🏼‍♀️

in another universe I would have kept this story much more concise and not gotten so carried away with all these fun side-arcs lol so that these plot points sprinkled along would be closer together and easier to follow…. But it’s my fav things that will play off in this home stretch…so perhaps when it’s fully completed it might be easier to see the threads all tied together upon re-read.

Clarke discovering the paintings was meant to just be one of those early feathers-in-the-cap of Clarke seeing signs that maybe Lexa DOES still genuinely want her, still genuinely miss her. What Clarke is struggling most with is seeing Lexa through the “public” lens, as this persona she’s adopted for publicity (and self-preservation) versus the “old Lexa” that she misses and thinks she’s lost.

Clarke was the one who ‘bought into’ all the rumors leading up to that fateful premiere, and stopped trusting Lexa and got paranoid and made assumptions…. And that sense of betrayal fueled a lot of Lexa’s antagonizing behavior (admittedly not great coping/responses but our girls are both flawed okay!) …because the few times Lexa made earnest attempts at reconciliation (ie: the flashback after game night in ch. “Mine(costias version)” Clarke kept viciously hurling hurtful things at Lexa… (… “everyone wants a piece of you and you’re so eager to give it to them like the good little marketable asset you are…”)😬

So Lexa is on a journey of needing to come to terms with….”when do I finally shed this persona… when do I stop living to please everyone else…stop being what everyone EXPECTS of me… Bc this poor girl is getting eaten alive from the inside out living such an inauthentic and performative life…except the moments she’s with costia, where she’s just overcome with guilt about feeling too damaged and broken to ever give Costia the love she actually deserves from someone.

CLARKE’s journey is to be able to see all these flashes of “old” Lexa… (her buying the paintings, her sending the care package on Valentine’s Day….her showing up to Clarke’s showcase…**the softness and mini panick attack just HOLDING Clarke when she comes over after Anya’s dinner😭💔) To recognize HER Lexa has always been in there….hurt and betrayed that Clarke ever thought otherwise… and Clarke has to overcome her own prejudice, her own judgements and most of all overcome all of these OUTSIDE opinions of Lexa and see through all the bullshit because no one has ever known Lexa like Clarke did. Clarke’s journey is to realize her own part that she played in ruining what they had… her own part she’s played in creating what Lexa became…. And to be someone to finally reach out to this girl that’s barely keeping her head above water and finally say “I’m here…I see you now…I’ve got you…I’m not going anywhere this time.” 🥺

…of course will Lexa actually NEED saving by the time Clarke has that moment of realization..? 🤷🏼‍♀️🤭

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Has Lexa been at any of Clarkes other art shows since the breakup or just that one we see in the story? When did she start secretly buying her paintings?

No Lexa hasn’t been to anything, because it’s mentioned in the story that Clarke hasn’t done (or at least showcased/published) any NEW work in the two years since the breakup (there’s a tweet leading up to her showcase stating she wants the focus and spotlight to stay on her students right now)

Lexa only “secretly” bought the paintings at the Auction @ Raven’s charity gala……(since as mentioned, she hadn’t done or published any new work) and the only one Lexa had unwrapped right away that Clarke saw when she peeked into the spare room after their hookup was the one that resembled her…. (The photo from ch. 4 “I bet you think about me” when Clarke was painting it in her studio vs the part when she discovers it in the Penthouse later on….(ch 22 I think? “…Ready for it?”)

….but let’s be honest…. If Clarke was in fact regularly still creating and publishing pieces….It would surprise NOONE if Lexa had secretly been buying ALL of Clarke’s art under different Aliases or contacting other collectors to buy them on her behalf (always paying an extra bump for their cooperation of course) 🤭

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Hey!

Has Taylor’s new album inspired any changes/new additions to your story?

Maaaaaan if I ever go back and do any major editing…. “Actually Romantic” just…. Woulda been 🤌🏼*chefs kiss* perfect for like the name of the opening chapter lol and throwing in a bit more banter to include maybe Clarke rattling off some of Lexa’s headline-catching antics with women since the breakup with Clarke very snarkily commenting on it with something like “It’s actually pretty romantic….the lengths you’ll go to try and get my attention…” then (lie🤭) say how she doesn’t even THINK about Alexa anymore so she should go on and get back to her “date”

I don’t think anything else specifically jumped out at me, though admittedly I haven’t given it that many play-throughs as I mostly only like ~3-4 songs (personally)🤷🏼‍♀️

I’m sure ‘Cancelled’ can be applied/inspire some bits for Lexa’s little crew of Lauren + Marie & co…. lol

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I think it’s Lexa than needs to make the first move

Feel like Lexa’s been making ALL the moves!! Or am I going crazy??? What has Clarke done?!?

-idk if actually showing up to game night actually counts, but I was just re-reading and the part where Alexa’s with Anya in the studio and goes “Why am I here? I didn’t need to come for this….why did you push me?” Broke me inside… bc she clearly thought it would be a tiny chance being around Clarke again in a space that was so significant and special to them… (and we all know how THAT night derailed)….

-the Valentines’ gesture both the day of when Clarke was sick…. Then the day after with the insane floral display on the porch…

-the sexy invite at the end of the night at Grounders to see if Clarke would in fact, come to the penthouse….

-showing up to Clarke’s student showcase ready to “make a scene”…

-looping in Murphy to get Clarke to an event that kicked off Cruel Summer….

-booking the air bnb in the most recent chapter….

….i know Lexa has her Costia stuff that’s clearly at the center of what keeps Clarke skeptical, but if the two of them, I personally think Lexa’s done FAR more to at least show Clarke she does in fact have all these feelings still in a genuine way (even tho half the time Clarke is seeing these gestures through her own lens)

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It just occured to me, how does Lexa maintain her abs when all she seems to do is partying outside of filming? 😂

Sending lots of love! Hope you’re doing well :)

Short answer: Sex. Lol

…but also part of her contract is having a personal trainer so several times a week she’s reporting early to set for her workouts before filming starts. Esp when they incorporate her fight-training ahead of certain scenes.

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please let the Luna and Lexa interaction be something where Luna says something juvenile and Lexa takes the high road. Please don't embarrass Lexa.

I will not be embarassing Lexa any more than the current outline may or may not already plan for. If anything, it would be a scene to show either yes- Lexa taking the high road after a jab similar to ones Luna has thrown out at both the charity gala and at game night…

or (if this interaction is one without Clarke around) Luna being entirely mature and saying something wholesome or sincere that only leaves Lexa herself THAT much more conflicted, bc she sees herself as broken. Perhaps she starts thinking (who am I to be fucking up Clarke’s chance at such a good thing? How selfish can I be? To think any of this is ever going to lead to what we had planned for us years ago?)

Both girls won’t deny the feelings are still there, it’s their fear over the reactions/influence of the outside world (+their friends!) that’s dictating everything to them…. Sooooo the cruel summer arc is simply building to that boiling point of what’s gonna give first? What’s going to be the tipping point?

…which of them is going to be the one to say “fuck it I don’t care what anyone thinks….i can’t NOT have you”…?!? (Obviously anyone familiar with the song itself gets the idea of where this all is building towards…. But WHO will be the one to voice the song’s dramatic bridge?!?” 👀😬🤭

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I need to reread everything….I can’t remember has Costia seen Lexa and Clarke together? Or is it just Lexa pulling away from her and knowing she’s spending time with Clarke that she knows she doesn’t stand a chance. Can’t remember if she’s seen their chemistry/dynamic in person or if she’s always been kept separate.

No-Costia has not seen Lexa and Clarke together. Almost everything between them has been in secret or only around the friend group, plus the handful of events they’ve attended over the cruel-summer chapters Costia was not present at either (yet🤭🫣).

also it’s not that Lexa is pulling away persay…. Their relationship is just settling into a much more platonic dynamic (and Costia trying to assure Lexa it’s OKAY for her to be wanting Clarke too…as seen in one of the last scenes after the Lauren-and-Marie little game night).

costia fears Clarke is only going to hurt Lexa again…but she knows she can’t be the one to express caution against it. She knows Lexa needs to lean into whatever she needs to, and Costia keeps herself positioned as that steady rock ready to be there to catch her after another inevitable fallout btwn the two exes.

[blondesuicide]

HALSEY - GASOLINE

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Will there be a moment between Luna and Lexa? Either Luna telling her to let Clarke go or maybe even to push her to tell Clarke the truth. Is that something Luna would do or would she fight for Clarke?

sounds way too clean and straight forward for these idiots 🤭💀

But maybe I can be inspired to fit in some sort of Luna-Lexa scene or interaction 🤨🤷🏼‍♀️ besides the one I have planned that’s not necessarily focused on those two directly….

What kind of scenario sounds juicy for these two to happen to cross paths? Lexa playing not-so-low-key stalker around L.A. when she knows Luna’s in town? or more trying to look her up and stage some casually-obvious drop in during one of Lexa’s promo trips out East? 😬🫣

orrrrrr something else? (Thinking a larger friend event is out bc let’s be honest no one in that friend group would allow that to happen…)