Transcript under cut. It’s long, but included here for easier mobile access.
Narrator [fairly deep, masculine voice]: Your black friend is sitting in a coffee shop. He’s eating a po-boy from a deli around the corner, even though he knows he’s not supposed to. He’s hoping the white guilt will keep the barista from confronting him about it.
Your black friend is listening to a conversation between a nicely dressed rich white lady and the barista.
Rich White Lady [probably the same voice actor as the narrator, but now with a false high, pretentious, nasal tone]: I saw this sketchy guy coming out of his backyard with a bike, and I called the cops right away.
Barista [again, probably the same voice as the narrator, but slightly higher and more inquisitive, though lower than the Rich White Lady, nonchalantly]: What did he look like?
Rich White Lady: Oh I don’t know… Like, black, and tall, with dreads, and black [more emphasis on “black” this time]. The bike was blue… with drop bars, a broken spoke, and a brown leather saddle.
Barista [inquisitively]: Was the house on France Street? Did he have a nose ring?
Rich White Lady: Yeah, I dunno…
Barista: That sounds like Darren. He comes here all the time. That’s his house. [on that last sentence, there is a vocal uptick on “house.”] That’s his bike. [vocal uptick on “bike”]
Narrator [with an explanatory tone]: This is an important moment. Your black friend has seen this many times: a white person, normally unaware of their racism, blunders in a moment in which it is totally undeniable. He knows that this woman does still not see it, though. She is equally afraid of black people and the realization of that fear. It would take someone like the barista, seemingly woke and race-savvy, to clarify what has just happened for the rich lady.
But your black friend knows, the barista will say nothing. What white people fear the most… is making things awkward.
Your black friend would like to say something to the racist lady, but doesn’t want to appear to be that angry black man.
[around “black friend” in this last sentence, the rich white lady starts typing on her smartphone, and quiet typing sound effects are added. They become inaudible when it cuts to the black friend.]
He knows this type of person expects that from him, and he will lose before he begins. “This is why I have white friends!” he thinks. White people are allowed to be both angry and listened to, while he is expected to be mad calm. He wishes he could make you understand this and so many other things.
[The scene changes here, and there is a bit of a “woosh” sound effect as it happens, quiet, but with the same quality as an airplane flying low to the ground.]
Your black friend wonders if you know that, unlike you, he has to constantly monitor his speech, affect, and dress relative to his environment. A misreading could mean the difference between being the “black friend” and being “that black guy.”
[the scene changes again and the same “woosh” effect is played.]
Your black friend wishes you understood why he hates it, Hates it, when the barista calls him “baby,” like she’s his auntie, or any other black woman over the age of fifty.
[There is emphasis on the second instance of “hates it.”]
Your black friend wishes you’d play more than Beyoncé.
[here there is emphasis on “wishes” and “Beyoncé.”]
There are more black performers than Beyoncé! And he is worried that you do not know that.
[that last sentence is a bit rushed, seemingly in a manner of poking fun.]
Your black friend Hates it that you slide into black presentation thoughtlessly. He feels like you’re mocking him with your “blackccent,” but knows that you are totally unaware of it.
[This next sentence is said more somberly, and a quiet beat comes in mid-sentence.]
Your black friend feels like a man without a country. Your black friend knows that he’s valued by both black and white people for his close proximity to “whiteness,” but it also totally devalued by it simultaneously.
[Light, cartoony sound effects, like glasses clinking together, are used when the group of white people blinks.]
He is lost in this contradiction and held responsible for it.
Your black friend would like to forget all his fears and frustrations around race, but it’s always impossible.
[In the last sentence, when the police car’s lights flashed, the sound of a police siren was played. The scene changes and the beat stops. When the black friend looks up, there is a cartoon sound effect, followed by the sound of the rich white lady giggling. Her giggles fade into a screeching noise, like microphone feedback, before she speaks.]
Rich White Lady [lightheartedly and playfully]: I think that I deserve a mocha today.
[As the black friend stands up, his chair creaks, and his friend audibly goes “hm?”]
Black Friend: Hey, uh, excuse—
Barista [interrupting]: Hey baby… You can’t have that sandwich in here.
[Silence for a few beats until credits roll and the sound of laughter is heard. The voice of the narrator chuckles. When the credits change to show the comic, logos, and production date, a low voice quickly says “nice!” then, it is silent as the video ends.]
