Today was HARD. I woke up to a very vivid and weird dream, but I was determined to set some good intentions and let the day unfold all of its wisdom. BIG FUCKING MISTAKE, or rather, I just wasn't ready or willing to take anything in. I was in a terrible mood, bumping into everything and dropping things, and essentially just an utter mess. I showed up at work an hour and a half late, and I felt absolutely terrible about myself. Then my day started, and oh boy, what a day it was.
There were no revelations besides those of a negative sort. Rn, I'm completely bogged down in the non-leadership at my work, and even my brilliantly talented and experienced coworker felt what I've been feeling. The two people who are basically in charge of the public image of my organization have completely checked out because of stress, but they aren't letting go of decision making and leaving it to the people who are actually doing the work, which makes things incredibly stressful. We don't hear anything from them for weeks, but we're expected to produce things that are essential and have to have their approval...things that needed their approval weeks ago. And then when we call a meeting, they flip-flop from their original positions that were discussed extensively. It's really hard to follow leaders that don't lead. So today I took matters into my own hands, and actually, it was very liberating. The downfall is that I know for a fact that these same leaders are calculating our failures that are a result of their own inability. It's a sick and twisted game, and I am honestly at my wits' end. It had a really, really negative effect on me, and I was tempted to break, but I didn't. I'm really sick of letting bullshit people and situations control my behaviour, or rather, I'm sick of letting that happen. I cannot control everything or anything really, around me, and I need to start overcoming these things. I don't want to let them affect me so deeply. I have a soul that clings to negative things, negative emotions, and negative thoughts, so it's really hard for me to separate myself from anything or anyone that embodies that energy, but I know I need to in order to feel okay. It's something I've worked on for almost three years now, and I'm just glad I'm recognizing and acknowledging it because that's a step (or a few) in the right direction.
Anyways, I gained some weight during my "breakup bingeing," but I'm back down to where I was when I left off: 195 lbs...which is also terrible.
Another tid-bit, I took "before" pics this morning before jumping in the shower even though that before was 10 lbs ago, and I was horrified with what I saw. It's funny because body dysmorphia works both ways...when I was very, very thin at 140 lbs. I thought I was still the most disgusting person on earth, yet, today at 195 lbs. I look in the mirror and think I look alright. Then I take a picture and things become crystal clear...I've 1000% let myself go, and I don't look alright. This is the time I should be most disgusted with my reflection in the mirror, however, that's not the case. Sometimes I even think I look beautiful. I know differently, and the images tell me so. I honestly don't know wtf that's about, but I think maybe I'll talk to my counselor about it next Thursday because it's disarming.
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