okay so I'm like 90% certain I'm reading into things and like also kind of living younger meâs dreams but Thursday night when I had to go see a play for my program I ended up sitting next to this guy Iâve been sort of had this vibe with for the two hour ride in and the two hour ride out and like we shared his headphones and listened to some really weird, really awesome experimental music and talked and shared stuff. it was super personal and super sweet and I feel incredibly close to him now but I'm not sure if Iâve caught feelings straight up or I'm so starved for intimacy that I needed it ???Â
I'm still with Eliott in a way. like weâre open because heâs so far away and heâs not going to be home till March so I donât think I've entirely committed a bad, but it still feels like I've somehow done something wrong
like I know he won't be here for the holidays, for Valentines. heâs missed so many lows and I hate that I feel like I'm always just waiting for him to come home, but knowing that heâll only be back for a few months before leaving again is making everything feel so raw
the thing is, and I hate to admit this cause it feels really shitty, but those couple hours felt more intimate and more special than literally my entire relationship with Eliott and Iâm not even entirely sure I like Jared. like okay yes I like Jared, and Iâve probably liked Jared for a lot longer than Iâm willing to admit, but Iâm an adult now and I know that if it was going to happen, it wouldâve happened already. what was a really intense, sweet moment for me might not have had that same effect for him and thats honestly 100% okayÂ
idk. idk what Iâm doing.
but I'm pretty sure I'm going to end up breaking up with Eliott soon. he deserves a lot better than this
















