rvncorns:
there were more times than not that noah wished he could just take stephen’s hand and the two of them could just disappear. he never gave much thought to where they’d go or what they’d do, but if it were just the two of them together, without the threat of war looming, without the ghosts of his mistakes and his family haunting him, things would be so much better. he loved stephen, he did. some days that was the only thing he could be certain of. he squeezed stephen’s hand, too, comforted slightly.
he sat up, swinging his legs off of stephen and moving so they were now sat side-by-side. he let his head rest on his boyfriend’s shoulder. “ i’ve never been the sort to put so much thought into anything, ” he remarked glibly. “ maybe that’s what’s causing me pause. ” he let out a short but sharp exhale through his nose, a feeble laugh following. it wasn’t. they both knew that. “ i don’t — the longer it takes for me to do this, the longer people think i’m just death eater spawn too, you know ? i don’t want that either. ”
noah’s shoulders fell at that admission. maybe it was selfish to say that, that he cared about what and who people saw him as, but he knew that the rest of his reasons for wanting to join dumbledore’s army were solid and sound. he hated death eaters. he bristled seeing their pictures in the daily prophet, and his stomach turned with every mention of their atrocities. he didn’t agree with them. he hadn’t, not now and now ever, he thought. with this year, and even some of the most recent few past, he had become friends with those who weren’t pureblooded. the idea of losing them hit hard. he couldn’t think on that too long.
“ i had almost forgotten about that. ” he still remembered how he felt at the walk-out. there was a rush of emotions that day. fear, bravery, anxiety. it felt like forever ago. a part of him didn’t recognize the person he was then. he was still acting to piss off his parents, he was still trying to prove he wasn’t a monster to stephen. “ i didn’t regret it. ” at least, he didn’t after the night had passed, rest providing him the energy to quell the rush of regret he felt when it initially was over. “ i still don’t. ”
he let out a laugh and a smile finally pulled at his lips. he leaned over, pressing a kiss to stephen’s cheek before letting out a soft exhale. “ i don’t know what i’d do without you. ” this rang true, and noah found himself nodding to support his words. for as much as noah had to grow for himself, stephen was still an anchor in his life, keeping him rooted to something good and something strong. “ whatever rules you’re following to be a good boyfriend, ” noah couldn’t help but snort, “ keep following them. you’re doing a damn good job. ”
stephen shuffled slightly as noah relaxed against him. on one hand, he couldn’t really empathize with whatever ostracization noah could end up facing for this decision - all that he had personally had to deal with was stern conversations from sally anne and wayne when they had found out about him in dumbledore’s army. so it was possible that he wasn’t the best person to give any advice on the matter. but noah trusted him enough to share this information, and stephen was going to do his damn best to help him.
he stayed quiet, listening until he was sure that noah had gotten all of his thoughts out. “i mean, if people still think of you poorly or get angry at you or whatever after you join da, then perhaps they’re not meant to be in your life,” he pointed out. “you can’t control what people think of you or how they see you - but you can control who you keep in your life. and frankly? if anyone still wants to think you’re death eater spawn, then fuck ‘em. because you don’t need that kind of energy in your life. the people worth keeping around are the ones who will support you, even if they don’t understand.” he kissed noah softly, quickly, before pulling back. one of noah’s comments from earlier was still bugging him - and stephen was never one to let things go.
“i know you don’t like to hear it, but...” he started to speak, before trailing off, smiling slightly as ran his thumb lightly along the curve of noah’s cheekbone. “i really am proud of you, noah. i hope you know that. because you deserve to hear it,” he murmured - even though they were alone in the common room, stephen kept his voice soft in case anyone else may have heard them. there were certain things that needed to belong to just him and noah, and this conversation was one of them. “not just about dumbledore’s army but - everything. i mean, hell, you’ve changed so much since i met you, and i... i don’t know.” it was difficult, especially since noah seemed to be harder on himself than anyone else was. but there was also a need for stephen to express how he felt about noah.
tilting his head slightly, he paused. “sometimes i just wish you could see yourself in the way that i see you, even if it was only for a moment” he added quietly. stephen knew that his own view of noah and noah’s view of noah would be dramatically different. “i imagine it would be a bit of a shock to you.” if there was one thing that he felt was a necessity, it was to continually remind noah that he was good and kind, that he’d believe people when they told him they were proud. stephen briefly wondered if it would’ve been different if he’d really gotten to know noah sooner at hogwarts, perhaps helping to break down whatever damage the runcorn family had already done. during this conversation it had crossed stephen’s mind that he’d want to protect noah from whatever negative opinions their classmates would have of him regarding anything - but not until now did stephen realize that some of those opinions were going to come from noah himself.
stephen leaned forward again, pressing his lips against noah’s. he stayed still, even keeping their foreheads pressed together once he’d moved away from the kiss. “you’re a good person, noah. and i hope you’ll eventually love yourself even half as much as i love you.”
