summary: Gerard and Frank always had a speical friendship, until Gerard met Lyndsey. Everything had changed between them and it hurt Frank more than he wanted to admit. When they get into a fight after a show where Gerard shoves Frank off of him, everything comes out and leaves neither one of them satisfied. They push everything away and forget about it, though Frank always wonders what could have been.
a/n: this one is kinda sad and i kind of hate it.. i couldn’t stop thinking about this but i also couldn’t get my idea across right, it’s supposed to be based off the song night shift by lucy dacus but genuinely shows no resemblance to it so uhh… whoops
warnings: angst, slight internalized homophobia?, Gerard being an asshole, one sided love?, slightest TINIEST mention of throwing up, idrk man..
word count: 1,738 lowk not that much but a lot for me so yaya!!
DISCLAIMER: this fic is in no way meant to be an insult to Lyndz and has nothing to do with my opinions about her.. since i know some people get heated over this shit thought i’d make it clear.
Frank and Gerard had always been.. closer than usual. They weren’t just friends but they were also nothing more. On stage, they were all over each other, and behind the scenes they shared many intimate and vulnerable moments. From Frank consoling Gerard after a rough show to them cuddling just because it was chilly out.
Frank knew what he wanted, but he also knew what they had wasn’t anything more than casual. Frank was okay with being gay if it meant being with Gerard, but Gerard was only okay with being with Frank if it didn’t mean he was gay. It’s not that he didn’t support queer people.. he just never imagined that life for himself. Everyone had talked about the life he would have, his future wife and kids, and even if that’s not what he wanted Gerard knew it was what he would have. Settling for a good life was easier than risking everything he had built for a perfect life. Gerard told himself that Frank was just his best friend who he happened to be really close with.
It was the start of the Projekt Revolution tour and like always Frank and Gerard were all over each other during the performances. The fans ate it up. Every time they were within two feet of each other the crowd would go wild and it brought Gerard was a rush he would do anything for. When they eventually kissed during a show, the way the fans went crazy for it quickly became Gerards new addiction. He loved the attention and he enjoyed what he had with Frank.
That was until he met Lyndsey. They had met once from a mutual friend but it was a quick greeting. Now, she was on tour with them and they had quickly become friends. She was the most beautiful woman Gerard had ever met. Every time he looked at her it was like nothing else in the world mattered. All the shitty things he’s been through, the horrific words people had directed towards him, all became just noise in the background when she was near. He was falling and he was falling fast. She was the perfect match for him. She understood the life of a musician and most importantly she didn’t see Gerard for his addictions and mistakes, she saw him for who he was inside. They quickly got together and everything was perfect. He had never been so happy before, in fact he was so happy that he didn’t notice how his best friend was slowly falling apart.
Frank knew one day Gerard would find a girl and settle down, but it still hurt. He had always hoped it would be them in the end. They had something special, right? Well, whatever they had was quickly burning out. Anytime Frank tried to do anything with Gerard, Lyndsey was there. Gerards world slowly started to revolve around her and it seemed like he had no time for Frank anymore.
Frank wanted to be upset, to yell at him about how it was unfair, but- it wasn’t his place. They weren’t together, they were never more than friends and Frank had to keep reminding himself that. Everything special Frank thought they had quickly stopped. No more late night talks, no more holding each other, they barely even spoke anymore. Despite all of that, Frank didn’t think anything would change on stage. Gerard had a big thing for consistency and he lived for the roar of the crowd. There was no way he would give all that up just because he was in a relationship. It wasn’t like him. So, Frank looked forward to that. Maybe his best friend wouldn’t give him a second glance off stage but his on stage persona was obsessed with him.
The show had been going great, the crowd was amazing and My Chem was on fire. Every song was better than the last and Frank had completely forgot about everything going on in their personal lives. Tonight had felt like they were back in someone’s basement playing a show to 4 people. They were playing for the love of the art and not for the paychecks.The chords for The Sharpest Lives strikes up and the fans go wild. Mid way through the song, Frank struts over to Gerard, like usual. He hadn’t thought anything of it but when he started to get on Gerard, he got shoved off. Frank stumbled backwards, looking at Gerard with confusion and anger. He was hurt but also angry, I mean it was embarrassing to get rejected like that on stage. Even if none of the fans knew the meaning behind the shove, frank knew. He wasn’t completely shocked, but he was hurt.
Frank slowly walked back to his usual spot, continuing the song. He put as much emotion into his playing as he could but nothing was able to take his mind off of what had happened. Every time he looked up at Gerard, his eyes would linger on the words written on his neck with eyeliner as they glistening with sweat. It reminded him of Lindsey and how she had managed to get everything he had ever dreamed of with Gerard. Something tangible, something real. He had to force his eyes away, not wanting anyone to see the hurt and pain in his gaze. He put his all into his guitar, and as he played his sadness morphed into anger. How could Gerard do that to him, push him off as if he was some stray dog who meant nothing.
The show had finally ended and everyone was exhausted, Frank had even almost forgotten about what had happened. As My Chem made their way back stage everyone split up, Mikey and Ray headed towards the water fountains and Frank headed towards his dressing room. He stopped in his tracks as he felt a hard shove against his back, quickly spinning around to see who it was.
“What the hell was that for?” Gerard says incredulously, his face showing mostly anger and confusion.
“What are you talking about” Franks asks, he was pretty sure he knew but with Gerard he could never be sure.
“Oh I don’t know maybe when you decided to climb all over me?”
“I don’t understand why you’re so mad- we’re like that on stage all the time, its practically apart of the set at this point.” he explained, he didn’t want to fight- not really.
“that was before Frankie, things are different now!” Gerards voice was laced with spite.
That’s what made Frank snap. Gerard had always called him Frankie when no one was around and they were both vulnerable. So to now hear that nickname thrown back at him in a tone of anger, it hurt more than words could describe.
Frank scoffs, “Don’t Frankie me! You don’t get to call me that anymore”
“You’re-“ Gerard starts before being quickly interrupted.
“Stop! I’m talking. You can’t call me Frankie and act like we’re still friends when you’ve been a jerk recently. I mean you barely hangout with me anymore and we don’t even talk that much! Ever since you started dating Lindsey it’s like you’ve completely forgotten about me.” Frank spews, he had tried to keep his emotions in check. He didn’t want Gerard to know how upset he truly was. His efforts to bite his tongue were useless when he became as upset as he currently was, all reason going out the window.
“Oh my god Frank, are you serious? You’re angry because I’ve got a girlfriend? Did you genuinely think we were just gonna be two loners together forever?” He almost laugh when he asks, his tone mocking. He looked at Frank as if he was childish and unreasonable for feeling this way.
“Yeah Gerard, i might’ve! I thought it was gonna be us because I thought we had something special!”
“Special? we aren’t together Frank! We never were and we were never going to be, I don’t get why you can’t get that through your head!”
That stops frank in his tracks. Gerard was trying to pretend like they never had anything going on between them. Like every spark Frank had felt was in his head.
“So what.. those nights we spent together meant nothing? Fine. Tell me the kissing on stage, the closeness, was all just a performance. I can accept that. But you cannot tell me the countless nights where I held you because you were upset over some bullshit, or the nights when you dragged me home from the bar and sat in the bathroom with me while I threw up, meant nothing.”
“Well they did Frank. They meant nothing because I don’t have feelings for you. I like-.. I love Lindsey and nothing we could have ever possibly have would ever compare to what I have with her.” Gerard says. he didn’t mean it, not at all, but his pride was far too meaningful to him to admit it. He would fight with frank for hours before dare admit that he liked him at all.
Franks eyes well up with tears that he wouldn’t dare let spill, Gerard didn’t deserve the satisfaction of seeing his words affect him.
“Okay then, enjoy your nine to five life with her. Even though we both know deep down it’s not what you want.”
Frank walked away and that was it. It took a while but they eventually made up. Frank found a girl who he loved.. almost as much as he loved Gerard. Gerard married Lindsey backstage at the end of the tour, which hurt Frank but he kept it to himself. Even though they didn’t had any moments like that again it always lingered in the back of Franks mind. The what-ifs. What if Gerard hadn’t found Lyndsey, would him and Frank have ended up together? What if Gerard didn’t deny everything they had, would it have hurt less? Questions that Frank would never get to know the answer to because not knowing hurt less than never seeing Gerard again. He knew if he tried to bring it back up it would ruin everything they had pushed down and forgot about. Part of him wished he never had to see Gerard again, he wouldn’t if he could help it, but Frank could never stay away from him for too long. Gerard was like the oxygen Frank needed to survive.
thx for reading :P anyone notice the byler reference…
