AutumnThatcher

[thepeacefulgarden]

[autumnthatcher]

I LOVE this saying. I actually want to get it tattooed on my wrist to always remind me.

[autumnthatcher]

I'm to the point that I'm barely happy at all. The happiness to misery ratio is probably around 30-70, where it used to be probably 80-20. Andit is so freaking sad to me that the tie that I have kids happens to be the worst time in my life. And it's not even them that's causing it. It's our living situation. Living with my mother-in-law is ruining my life. Helping my mother-in-law with her foster kids is ruining my life. I have felt more stress and anxiety in the past couple months than I ever have before. The weight of it is weighing so heavily in my chest. I don't know how much strength I have left to carry it. The exhaustion physically, as well as mentally, is unreal. How do I keep going? How can I? What happens when I can't anymore? When does it end? What if it doesn't? What if it's like this forever? What if I brought kids into the world just to suffer because I can't get my crap together? Or because I wasn't able to get it together before they came into the world? Now we are stuck on this hellacious living situation. And I can't do much about it right now. If ever. I feel crushed to bits.

[autumnthatcher]

I hate it when people aren't understanding or sympathetic towards retail or food workers. They're just trying to makea living. They don't make the rules or policies. I mean, sure, they do have attitudes sometimes and they should be better with customer service sometimes. But they are doing what they gotta do. They can't change the rules. They can't change the prices. And you shouldn't arrive right before closing if you don't want to be limited on time or options. Closing time is closing time. And it's so rude to show up there when they are closing and expect happy, friendly employees ready to serve you with whatever you need. They want to go home. Not spend another hour at work because you decided to wait until the last minute to go somewhere.

[autumnthatcher]

You know you've experienced hard times when you've mastered the art of crying silently.

[autumnthatcher]

Today's complaint- My mother-in-law. Apparently I yell at all the time. 🙄 And she never yells at me. 🙄🙄 I never yell. I may raise my voice. And I never talk to her any differently than she talks to me. She says it happens especially when I'm on my period. 🙄 My period has nothing to do with it. It happens period or not. Because I'm so freaking exhausted and stressed and overwhelmed that I'm in a constant bad mood. And so is she. (In a bad mood I mean. She has no reason to feel overwhelmed or anything because I'm doing everything for her thats why I'm overwhelmed.) I keep thinking things are going to get better. They never do. If anything they get worse everyday. I'm failing in a lot of ways as a mother and a wife. My life is not supposed to be completely taken up with taking care of her kid, and her and the house. I need time for MY kids. I need time for my marriage. I need time for myself. I need time for my living spaces. I am freaking drowning.

[autumnthatcher]

Hey anyone out there who is actually taking time out of their day to read boring, not exciting posts. So my brother-in-law has a friend that is a masseuse. She came over today to give some of us massages. I've never had a massage in my life. I was second in line. And it was kind of awkward to be shirtless with a friend in the room. Lol. She was very professional of course. So she starts massaging me and I'm stressing about whether or not I should be talking to her. I kept telling myself that if she wanted to talk she would ask me questions or something. Then I tell myself that she probably doesn't want to disturb my peace. So I wonder if I should say something first. Then I don't know if I want to disturb my peace. So I remain silent but still wonder if thats awkward. Then I'm wondering if her hands are hurting. Or if it was weird to start massaging people. I wondered if she's massaged gross people. I wondered if she thought my back was gross. And she massages the top my butt a little bit and I'm all worried about her seeing my gross, stretch marky butt. And then I keep telling myself that she doesn't care. But then I think, "What if she does?" And then she moves to my legs and stressing because my legs are HAIRY!! The main reason I don't shave often is because when the hair grows back my legs get torturously itchy. It's miserable. Plus it takes and energy that I don't feel like using for something that's mostly anesthetic. And it kills my back. And if you think Im gross or whatever for not shaving, screw you, I don't care. Im using an alias for a reason. Anyway, so she's massaging my legs and I'm so afraid she's going to pull my pant leg up to do it. She didn't though. She massaged my legs through the sheet and my pants. And then she massages my feet. I had slipper socks on. So I'm worrying my feet might be sweaty or stinky. Again I tell myself she doesn't care, she's probably had worse. She has me roll over to my back. She does my neck and shoulders some more. Then she starts my arms. So now I'm worrying about my armpits. Because yes, my armpits are hairy too. For the same reasons my legs are. Leave me alone. But the way she did it, I don't think she even noticed. Hopefully. So this whole experience was both beyond relaxing yet stressful. It was odd to be both be so relaxed and also so stressed. The joys of living with anxiety. On the plus side though, my body feels amazing. Im.just now starting to feel a little soreness. And my massage was 3 hours ago. I would definitely do it again. And hopefully not be worrying about stupid pointless crap the whole time next time.

Kudos to you if you actually stayed tuned for that story and double kudos of have read my other posts as well.

[autumnthatcher]

So the biggest annoyance in my life now is my mother-in-law got these poodles. Puppies. Right before we moved. Those dogs have been the biggest problem since we got them. And we haven't been able to properly train them because we've been to busy moving and then getting the house ready. Plus we 4 kids under 4 so that takes a lot of time. Well now my mother-in-law's friend said to have them in separate crates and hand feed them twice a day all keep them crated except when they're being fed and give them 20 minutes to go to the bathroom and then put them back in the crate. Well my brothers-in-law are annoying and even though they don't take care of the kids they don't want to do more than anyone else with dogs. 🙄 So the schedule is dumb and annoying and puts my husband out more even though my husband and I are busy with the kids all day. So now those dumb dogs are in the back room barking and woke up my baby when she's trying to nap. I don't understand why they can't just be outside. Anyway, taking care of them has been nothing but a nuisance. I dont know why my mother-in-law couldn't have waited until after the move and we got the house set up and settle to get the dogs. Now I'm afraid by the time we are able to train them and have them around the kids and everything it's going to be too late. It may already be too late. They're huge and hyper and jump up and all that. Needless to say I am very anxious about having them roam free in the house and be near the kids. I don't want to have more scheduled stuff. Why can't we just live a carefree life? Let them out when they want. Let them eat when they want. I hate not being able to be carefree and always having to mindful of the time. Plus I don't like big dogs. I don't like not being able to easier control them if they're doing something they shouldn't. And if they jump up on you, that's awful. My mother-in-law wanted big dogs to be guard dogs which I get they're such a freaking pain. We have too much going in our lives to deal with them or give them the proper training and attention they need to BE good guard dogs and just well behaved dogs in general. Sigh. I really wish we were able to just move out. My life would be so much simpler and less stressful and miserable.

[autumnthatcher]

So if anyone has been really been following my posts, which is unlikely, here's an update. So yesterday morning despite deciding I was just going to wait until next week to see if my period instead of testing and stressing every day, I did the First Response test. Even though I was afraid I was going to waste it by testing too early. But, I argued with myself, those tests are for 6 days before your missed period and that was exactly how many days I was away from my potential period. Well the test was negative. And so I really started thinking that I must not be pregnant after all. Despite all the symptoms. Then around 2:00 in the afternoon I started spotting. And it was very light spotting for 4+ hours. So I was starting to panic and freak out again. Maybe this was implantation bleeding. Or my period came 4 days early. Which didn't seem likely because while my period is often irregular, it never comes early, only late. I couldn't know for sure until the next morning depending on how much blood I had. I kept going back mover all my symptoms in my head. Ironically the symptoms of early pregnancy are also signs that your period is on the way. Fun right? Bloating, cramps, fatigue, tender breasts or nipples. The couple symptoms that had me leaninf more toward pregnancy were the increased appetite and stuffy nose. I had both of those with my previous pregnancies. The increased appetite makes sense but the stuffy nose does not. But for whatever reason it's an actual symptom of pregnancy. I dont understand it. My nose drove me crazy my second pregnancy. It was so bad. Well, anyway, I am definitely on my period. My flow has certainly increased. And this entire experience has been one hell of a roller-coaster ride. I have thought I was pregnant so many times since I've been married. It's ridiculous. I hate it so much. All the stress and waiting. Whether you want a baby or not the waiting game is the worst. And even though having another baby right now would be absolutely crazy and insane, I am still a little disappointed. And that is so stupid. I guess one of the main reasons, besides actually wanting another baby (not right now, eventually), my husband doesn't want anymore kids. He's been teetering with being sure about adopting our son. So if I had been pregnant, then it's out of our hands. It would be happening and my husband would just have to deal with it. We'd figure it out. It would have forced us to have another and I know I'd be happy if even a little stressed and all that. But my husband would not have. I'm not saying he wouldn't have loved the baby because of course he would. But he wouldn't be happy.

Sidenote- now that I was googling implantation bleeding, my Facebook has been having ads for pregnancy and baby stuff. So annoying.

[autumnthatcher]

I've continued to do pregnancy tests the last few days, all negative. But, it's only been two and a half weeks since the sex. I probably should stop with the tests and just wait to see if I get my period next week. But with the continued symptoms growing in number, it's hard to be patient and not know. I have a few more cheap strip kind and one First Response test left. I've been afraid to use the first response because I don't want to waste it by testing too early. Perhaps I should just wait to use that one next weekend if my period hasn't come by then. The hard part with that is that my periods aren't regular. So I don't really know if the aex was during my fertile window or not. And I'm on a non hormonal birth control but we moved recently and between the move and the chaos of the holidays I missed a couple doses. The birth control I'm on, if you miss a dose, you're supposed to be protected again after 48 hours of taking it properly again. And I THINK I was in the clear when the sex happened but it's hard to say. And with my periods not being regular it's hard to know if it's late or just not here yet when I have it. Another disadvantage to taking non hormonal birth control as opposed to the hormonal options. Which is what makes it all the more frustrating when I experience symptoms. I've had so many pregnancy scares over the years. Maybe I'm just crazy. I probably am. Considering I secretly very much want this to be a pregnancy. And that is crazy because things are way to hectic and chaotic for another baby to brought into it. It's not ok for the baby, my husband and I or our other kids.

[deeplifequotes]

“Pay attention to what people say out of anger, they’ve been dying to tell you that.”

—

[autumnthatcher]

Dude, this..... I freaking felt this..... And it kills me...

[staystrongandalwaysloveyourself]

[autumnthatcher]

I have a bad habit of dwelling on things I absolutely can not do anything about...

[valentina-poem]

[autumnthatcher]

This is a hard one. All the what ifs have a tendency to chase each other around in my head a lot. It's agonizing.

[thewanderingmillennial]

What will be will be.

[autumnthatcher]

Something I need to remember...

[catscafecomics]

Weathering the storm (part 5)

[autumnthatcher]

The storm shall pass...

[remanence-of-love]

[autumnthatcher]

This is so true. The only time of the day that I can do what I want.

[justablueumbrella]

[autumnthatcher]

Love this. I know that someday I'm going to look back on all the hardships I've faced in my life and in the last 10 years in particular, and I will feel so amazing, so happy and so accomplished and know that every single second was worth it.

[remanence-of-love]

[autumnthatcher]

I hope so...