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ZOO-WEE MAMA ! here’s a starter-call to celebrate my return! please specify when liking as this is a multi-muse, length may vary.

#starter-call.#i did the ones on my stranger thing's blogs so i will do these now!

annerocious

Dear Men Writers

Lesser known facts when writing women:

High heeled shoes don’t become flats if you break the heels off.

The posts of earrings aren’t sharp.

Nail polish takes a long time to dry and smudges when wet.

You can’t hold in a period like pee.

Inserting a tampon is not arousing or sexual in any way, ever.

Feel free to add your own.

deliciouspineapple

- Bras leave red marks on the skin under and around boobs and it is a magical experience when taken off.

- Make up can take anywhere from 5 to 25 minutes depending on how skilled you are.

- Taking hair out of a ponytail after wearing it for hours does not make it perfectly straight when it comes down.

- Hair when wet sticks to the skin it no longer flows, idiot.

-When women with long hair kiss, turn around, do anything, their hair falls in the way.

- Stockings are itchy and tear like wet paper bags.

ivegotthetriforce

- Pantyhose, tights, leggings, and stockings are each different. - Waxing hurts and leaves red skin for a while afterwards while shaving leaves stubble - Most can’t run in heels unless they have been VERY worn - Insecurity in appearance doesn’t mean “buy me a drink” - EVERYONE HAS DIFFERENT TASTES IN EVERYTHING

drmistytang

-Having large breasts sucks. It sucks beyond belief. If a garment happens to fit your large chest, odds are it won’t fit the rest of you. Underboob sweat is real and terrible. Bending over for extended periods of time will tweak your back out. Running can be painful due to boob turbulence. Bras are hella expensive. Big breasts are not fun.

jennytrout

We have never, ever looked in a mirror and silently described our nude bodies to ourselves, especially the size/shape/weight/resemblance to fruit/etc. of our breasts.

nireblue-deactivated20181218

Boob turbulence

wineauntgenna

-When thinking about sex or trying to have kids, we never think the word “seed” instead of cum

-Showers aren’t a sexual experience. We wash our bodies, not put on erotic displays when nobody’s around

-We don’t wear sheer lingerie to bed on average nights when we’re not planning on getting laid

-Lesbians don’t imagine “big, strong men” as they’re having sex with girls. We don’t just have sex with women just because there’s no men around to fuck us

-We aren’t oblivious when men stare at our bodies- we’ve been dealing with men creepily staring at us since we were young girls- and we generally don’t like it

-brushing our hair for a slightly longer amount of time than usual doesn’t have the same effect as straightening it or curling it or any other method of styling it

-girls who aren’t “girly” aren’t that way because they hate other girls or think they’re inferior to men

-the clitoris > the vagina in terms of sexual pleasure. Take note of that for your writing and real life, male writers

-please, when describing mothers’ bodies, don’t go on about how “despite her age and having given birth to four children, her skin was still smooth, her waist trim, and her breasts round with only slight sagging”

loptrcoptr

- for the love of god water DOES NOT flow into the vagina when we swim or bathe! That’s not how gravity works my dudes. So no more of this “she shivered as the water entered her” type crap. You are embarrassing yourselves.

-if during sex a woman in your story “mews”, “whines”, or some other simpering derivation thereof, we as readers will all know you’ve been watching too much hentai and have no friends

- periods are disgusting and, for most, uncomfortable and often painful. And blood comes from the VAG not the URETHRA.

- heels hurt to wear. Boobs hurt when they bounce too much (boob turbulence!). Ponytails hurt the scalp when they come down. Our pants don’t have pockets. Tampons can hurt when inserted. Birth control is not a pill you pop when you want one, like an aspirin, it’s a prescription medication that you take daily. And no hot young twenty-year-old is going to fall in love with your pudgy retired cop in his forties, thank you very much. Stop writing that.