for a good three years, we were the only two that uttered these words to each other. these words that till today, get me weak in the knees. we are separated, we are apart, we've been with other people, but by no means have you left my heart. and i hate that. i hate that you're still here. i hate that you still encompass my every being. and on top of it all, i hate that i somehow find comfort in you still.
most days, i'm too thrown into work or trying to better myself to dwell in thoughts of us. but there are moments, quiet moments that i have to myself where everything hits me. all at once. how much i still miss you, how angry i am sometimes that we aren't meant to be. how i fight against these memories that just won't leave me. yet, i don't want to forget them. i want to remember. as you can tell, i am conflicted in its entirety when it comes to us.
we brought out so many things in each other, that in hindsight, we should've been more thankful for. how you deduced my insecurities, things i try so hard to keep hidden from the world. and how you protected them. how i saw through your defensiveness. and how i got to your vulnerability and protected it with all i had. and that protective nature of yours, something that so rarely comes out, something i had the honour of being on the receiving end of, is what kept me fighting. it's what i miss the most.
i miss how you protected me. how you kept me safe when we were together, when i was thousands of miles from home in a city alone, how you took care of me when i fell sick in australia, how you saved me from myself.
i miss how silly we could be together. how i could make funny mutant squirrel faces and have you laugh so hard. how you did a voiceover of a clip of penguins looking for beer and i laughed till i cried. how we wrestled in the kitchen. how we had intense FIFA13 matches on the playstation. how you celebrated the one time i scored a goal. how we watched the 2012 European Cup finals between our teams Spain vs Italy - and you know, Spain thrashed Italy (naturally). i could be myself around you, not a hint of insecurity or doubt. just, me. i miss that.
we've shared many moments and we've spilled much words over three years, you and i. kind ones, nasty ones, unforgivable ones and beautiful ones. we fought against each other, and we fought for one another. most importantly, we fought for us. but everything we did wasn't enough. love, wasn't (isn't) enough.
all people know are the nasty things i've said about us, or you. for these are the things i can't keep to myself. i kept all the good things, in hopes i'd protect them from the world. and i feel guilty, knowing what's out there in the world are things that don't do us any justice. they don't know, how i'm so thankful to you for so many things. the most, is how you made me brave. you taught me honesty, and how not to fear whatever happens as long as i'm truthful to the ones i love. you taught me courage, to stand up and fight for a family that was falling apart. and in turn, i showed you love in its endlessness. that i never stopped loving you no matter what. that i put you first before me, always. i showed you how one person can love you more, so much more, than what you think you deserve. because you are, in all its raw forms, a beautiful soul. it's damaged and broken, but it's ever so beautiful.
and all this begs the question, one that i've been asking myself over and over again - what if i never love someone as fiercely as i loved you? as fiercely as i love you. how am i supposed to let someone else in this way. this kinda love doesn't happen twice in a lifetime, does it? l'amour fou. it's crazy, it's tiring, it's all-consuming, but it burns a fire in your heart that you never thought would ignite. will the rest of my life be just a series of attempts at reliving this with someone else? or never-ending 'close enoughs' and settling for something ordinary? do i want ordinary? i don't know. all i know, is that this fire hasn't gone out.
but we do the best we can for now, to keep each other as close as we can without hurting one another. we move on with our lives, the way we're supposed to, the way people expect us to. we come back to each other when we need to. we stay away to keep each other safe. and this is the best we'll ever be. it's not enough and it'll never be. but tell me, what else can we do? we can't fight something that's not meant to be.
maybe someday it'll make sense to us.
but know, as i move on with my life, that i still love you.
ever yours,
P.
