pure imagination.

Courtney | ♀ | 21 | INFP | Wandering "I know tomorrow is going to come because I've seen it. Sunrise is going to come, all you have to do is wake up. The future has been at war, but it's coming home so soon. The future looks like a child in a cape. The future is the map and the treasure. The future looks just like gravity: everyone is slowly drifting toward everyone else. We are all going to be part of each other one day. The future is a blue sky and a full tank of gas. I saw the future, I did, and in it I was alive." - Neil Hilborn, "The Future" ____________________ var sc_project=11280236; var sc_invisible=1; var sc_security="bf69b90e"; var sc_https=1; var scJsHost = (("https:" == document.location.protocol) ? "https://secure." : "http://www."); document.write("");

[pglang]

someone airdrop me a hug a mf going through alot

[okay]

I’m too romantic and unrealistic

[beelzbat]

[charismatic-cannibal]

[avatarjaeger]

every time I come back to tumblr to rant I know I’m going downhill

aaaaaah shit, here we go again

[commanderxreyes]

i miss the overwatch glitch where if you died in mystery heroes but didnt respawn by the time the match ended, you would be on the victory screen as your new character but the pose would be the character you died as

bring them back, blizzard

[no-chill-at-all]

[sergeant-grumbles]

No not really

[kvchudon]

[avatarjaeger]

I want to try my best and be positive because it’s amazing that I’m alive and in school and wow there’s so much good and I should be happy.

But at the same time I feel like I’m so anxious and depressed and holy shit my PTSD is getting worse and my relationship is shit and just about over and aaaaaaaaaaaaaa and therefore I am so so so so so ungrateful for how much better my life is right now.

I don’t have the strength to do this myself and aaaaaaaa

[avatarjaeger]

I settled for a relationship because I feared loneliness more.

[avatarjaeger]

I intended on going to this Mental Health Leadership meeting later this week, but right now I feel like an absolute fucking mess.

It’s times like these where I really do think I’ll never get better. I’ll go through periods of being fine, maybe even confident and positive, and then I’ll be like *this* again.

Passively suicidal, doubtful of every choice I made along the way, beating myself up, running in circles of “don’t beat yourself up; no don’t beat yourself up for beating yourself up”.

stupid

fucking

shit

I never will be get better than this. Barely holding it together, always on the edge of depression and anxiety and trauma over and over again.

[ellenent]

bunny positivity!

also available at my redbubble!

[her-minds-a-mess]

Okay but imagine never struggling with mental illness

[hyrude]

you fuckinng dumbasses are wearing glasses during sex?

am i expected to find the g spot by echolocation? 

[avatarjaeger]

I could rant endlessly about my discoveries of Mosu’s incredible intolerance and bigotry, but honestly I’m too tired and I want to just give up and end it all. It’s quite bad.

simple minded fuck.

[avatarjaeger]

the people around me are just

too loud;

it’s not that they don’t bother

to listen,

they simply cannot hear me

over themselves.

[sarahconnorjr]

[avatarjaeger]

I feel so shit talking to my friends about my PTSD, so I’ve decided to speak about it only in the context that I comes with something positive I’ve learned from it. I try, at least.

Like, most people now see me as a confident and positive person who has learned from trauma. I’m glad I can leave a positive impression on people like that.

But fuck, it doesn’t feel good. It feels very isolating.

People don’t know how much pain I go through every single day trying to be just a half-decent person. People don’t know how my flashbacks and nightmares are still just as bad today as they were two years ago. People don’t know how hard I try to make sense of it all.

But like— I can’t let people know. I always feel like once I open up about my suffering, I push people away. Not through any fault of anyone just— it’s a lot for ME to handle. How can I expect anyone else to handle it? I can’t and shouldn’t expect that much from anyone.

I just feel like people see the ‘pretty’ side of my trauma. It’s what sits well with them.

It feels disingenuous, almost fake.

I dunno. Part of why I appreciate Bountheng so much is that he wants to understand all of it, and I never have to apologize for feeling the way I do. I never have to fear pushing him away because he knows and I know that I’m not trying to use him as an emotional table. He understands that what others see as wisdom has come at a very heavy cost. He respects the cause, the process, and the result.

I wish I could just be like that with everyone. I wish I could just talk to all of my friends like that. I feel most comfortable and most at ease like that.

But that’s just not possible. If it’s suffocating for me it must me suffocation for others listening to me.