avdunstar @avdunstar-blog - Tumblr Blog

he is exactly the poem i wanted to write

Mary Oliver

161116

With days shortening, fall arriving, listening to arcade fire and moving back to my mom I'm more nostalgic than ever. I’ve moved back to my mum this weekend, after experiencing some rather tumultuous events in my own new home I’ve lived in since February. I’m not sure if tumultuous is the right word to use here, but it looks pretty so I felt like using it. Even though moving back to your parents house feels a little silly, or as slightly failing in adult life, by moving back my stress level has decreased by a thousand. Despite the fact that this place I grew up in makes me relive bad memories, I feel a certain calmness now, inside. When I was younger I always thought a home is a scar-free environment where it’s warm and full of loving people but ever since I’ve lived away from my old home and family I realised that returning to here might be what a home really is. I always feel like I don’t have a home - it definitely wasn’t my new place and my new roommates - but I now realised I can only find this ultimate comfort what I think a home might be, at my parent’s house. Even if that means being comfortable with the unhealthy relationships I might have had with my family. My home is the cold floor in my bedroom, staring at the broken light bulb that still isn't fixed, reliving childhood memories, molt on the bathroom ceiling, postcards of lost friends, it's thinking it's all my fault, being unsure how to act and feeling really at ease by that - how disturbing it all may be. Thinking about this it all makes sense though, as we tent to surround ourselves with people in our lives that are alike the ones in relationships we’ve had before, and we take on the role of how we’re used to be treated. I may often get the blame of irrelevant stuff, because I’m used to getting the blame and wouldn’t know how to act not being the one to blame. Obviously this doesn’t mean it’s your fault when people treat you badly, but it does explain why the same issues often appear in different relationships. I don’t really know if this makes sense, but it’s something I’ve been thinking about lately.

#thoughts