( * &. ━ NEW GIRL SENTENCE STARTERS
‘ you’re a terrible person. it’s hilarious. ’ ‘ you ruined it. you’re a dumb raccoon. ’ ‘ i hate your mustache because i miss your upper lip, okay? ’ ‘ anything in pairs makes me choked up! shoes, socks… chopsticks. ’ ‘ it’s legal meth. medical meth for my… cramps. ’ ‘ ahh! son of a bi– penis! …that wasn’t better. ’ ‘ i hope you have a minor career setback, learn from it, relocate, and ultimately have a very nice life. ’ ‘ i don’t play by your rules! i can drink at 11:00… a.m. ’ ‘ this is my only face! i don’t have a lot of faces! ’ ‘ i’m pretty sure i’m having a heart attack and i haven’t arranged for anybody to clear my internet history… i wasn’t building a bomb! i was just curious! ’ ‘ i just think long distance relationships suck. i once broke up with a someone who lived only thirty minutes away. ’ ‘ the enemy is the en-e-my. the enemy is the inner me. ’ ‘ shawty, what that thing do? ’ ‘ i don’t want nobody to eat me! i have thick thighs! i got a fat ass! ’ ‘ i know what it’ll feel like when i stop drinking so i’m just gonna stay a little drunk… forever. ’ ‘ i’m gonna have fun because there’s nothing wrong with who i am. ’ ‘ if you don’t like that then tough tater tots, tooter. ’ ‘ i want to be someone that somebody is looking for, but what do i have to offer? ’ ‘ that’s easy, you’re the cute one. ’ ‘ what happened? i don’t know what hap… i blacked out. ’ ‘ don’t boop him! ’ ‘ i’m literally not moving. i’m so not worried about you. ’ ‘ i am a grown woman that is in love with her ex-boyfriend that has a girlfriend… and i’ve been stealing my neighbor’s wi-fi. ’ ‘ my checks have baby farm animals on them, bitch! ’ ‘ i hope you like feminist rants ‘cause that’s kind of my thing. ’ ‘ oh, my gosh! look, it’s food! i love food. i can’t even remember what we were talking about. ’ ‘ i’m probably fine, but i also might be dead. ’ ‘ i feel like i want to murder someone, and also i want a soft pretzel. ’ ‘ they’re on a flip phone. i mean, they’re either poor or a time traveler. ’ ‘ i swear to god i will scream sing every last word to les mis!! ’ ‘ i look at you and i see a stunning physical specimen. it’s like you were created in a lab full of gay scientists. ’ ‘ i’d trust beyoncé with my life. ’ ‘ what a wonderful day. quick reminder: we’re all dying. ’ ‘ my funeral is my time to shine. ’ ‘ stop being so mean to me or i swear to god, i’m gonna fall in love with you. ’ ‘ please let me hate myself and everything that i have created! ’ ‘ as a matter of fact, i am tired and i am hungry. ’ ‘ am i attracted to murderers? ’ ‘ it is perfectly fine to watch tv all day. ’ ‘ i’m not convinced i know how to read. i’ve just memorized a lot of words. ’ ‘ this place is fancy and i don’t know which fork to kill myself with. ’ ‘ do i regret it? yes. would i do it again? probably. ’ ‘ i like getting older. i feel like i’m finally aging into my personality. ’ ‘ saturday is a day for sleeping and damn it, you will not take that from me. ’ ‘ you know, i’m just staying positive, but i’m pretty sure this is where we die. ’ ‘ i have a cat. he’s not ready to have a relationship with you, so just don’t try to force it on him. ’ ‘ you got hurt. that doesn’t mean you stop trying. ’ ‘ if you tell anyone we held hands, i have two people in my phone that will kill you. ’ ‘ girl, i’mma marry you. ’ ‘ damn it! i can’t find my driving moccasins anywhere! ’ ‘ can we take a moment to celebrate me? ’ ‘ i just looked down and i thought, this girl must be wearing sneakers with shoelaces and those shoelaces are tied together because this girl is straight up trippin’, yo. ’ ‘ i’m a squirrel. you’re my nut. winter’s coming. i’m gonna store you in my cheek, girl. ’ ‘ the economy sucks, bees are dying, movies are pretty much all sequels, and i have a broken penis. don’t pretend to know my pain. ’ ‘ the good news is i’m feeling sober. the bad news is maybe i’m too sober. ’ ‘ exes are a part of the past. you burn ‘em swiftly and you give their ashes to poseidon. ’ ‘ nothing is ever truly broken. ’ ‘ i know this isn’t gonna sound well, but the whole middle part’s gonna be awesome. ’ ‘ wanna get married? ’ ‘ the very fact that socks exist is proof that shoes don’t work. ’ ‘ please put your shirt back on. don’t make me laugh at you. ’ ‘ we’re having a baby. i really didn’t think it was going to happen for us. ’ ‘ the only reason i said no earlier is because i needed to show you how much i wanted to say yes. ’ ‘ you’re just the most throat-punchable boy in all the world. ’ ‘ love is never what you think it’s going to be. ’ ‘ i just got you and i’m not letting you go. ’ ‘ i have your back, no matter what. ’ ‘ i can buy my own pizza! …can somebody please loan me $15? ’ ‘ what kind of taco mean do you bitches have? ’ ‘ i’m gonna be fine. i am. you know why? cause i met you. that’s why i’m okay. ’ ‘ i’m the voice of reason, that’s why you brought me with. ’ ‘ he’s my best friend. what if he gets into an accident? what if he’s horribly disfigured and i have to identify him and all that remains are his private parts? and i’m standing there saying, ‘no officer, i can’t help you because no, i haven’t seen his penis.’ and then boom! he’s buried in an unmarked grave. ’ ‘ i am not a successful adult! i don’t eat vegetables and/or take care of myself! ’ ‘ i was put in an awkward situation and i reacted poorly. ’ ‘ i’m gonna hit your ass with a ski. ’ ‘ you realize i say ‘goodnight’ to you every night and you never say ‘goodnight’ back? what is your problem? do you not want me to have a good night? ’ ‘ i’m a color blind american citizen and i can’t do puzzles. ’ ‘ i want to cover everything up on my body with bubbles. ’ ‘ how cute am i? ’ ‘ maybe if we get drunk then magically everything will just happen. ’ ‘ give me cookie, got you cookie! you gave me cookie, i got you a cookie, man! we’re even! ’ ‘ shall i compare thee to a summer’s day? no, a summer’s day is not a bitch. ’ ‘ i like to improvise with my body. i’m a sexual snowflake, each night is a unique experience. ’ ‘ hahaha. what a dumb idea… do it! ’ ‘ if i had a dollar for everybody i couldn’t hang out with because they hated you, i’d be so rich. ’ ‘ what it be, girl? what you got going on, ma? it’s the freakin’ weekend. ’ ‘ you can’t choose who you love, sometimes they choose you ’ ‘ i thought god just didn’t give me abs. ’ ‘ i don’t mean to be laughing, but are you okay? ’ ‘ pink wine makes me slutty. ’ ‘ i just want to listen to taylor swift alone. ’ ‘ i will shred myself! i will shred myself in the shredder! ’ ‘ i haven’t gotten a non-text message in two years. ’ ‘ the point of dating is just to keep on dating and then never stop. it’s like burning fossil fuels or seeing a therapist. ’ ‘ are you sure you’re okay? you’re walking like a disney witch. ’ ‘ your life’s like gossip girl… only everyone is old and poor. ’ ‘ men suck, remember? ’ ‘ actually, that’s not fair. she might be a really nice ho. ’ ‘ should i add a ‘woo-hoo’ or is that too bitchy? ’ ‘ i am a woman. the smartest species of them all. ’












