Bernard: So, last week when you were having a panic attack...
Tim: Yeah..?
Bernard: I asked if you wanted me to call your Dad, and when you said yes, I went to do so...
Tim: Yeah?
Bernard: WHY do you have SEVERAL people saved as "Dad"?
Tim: What do you mean?
Bernard: . . . Dick was "Dad", Jason was "Toxic Deadbeat Dad", Cassandra was "Dad #2", Stephanie was saved as "Daddy" for some reason I don't wanna know.
Tim: It was—
Bernard: I don't. Wanna know.
Bernard: Damian was saved as "Daddy Issues"?? Kon was saved as "Backup Daddy", Bart was "Backup Daddy #2" Cassie was "Original Daddy"??
Tim: I don't see the issue.
Bernard: Bruce. Was saved. As. "Employer."
Tim:
Bernard:
Tim: Okay, I admit, it looks a certain way.
Bernard: I only figured this all out because I had to go through and call. Every single person. Labeled under. Dad. And Daddy.
Tim:
Bernard: I don't know how to feel about the fact I accidentally called my own phone six times.
AU where timber's date goes normal and tim doesn't think real hard about it until they're a few months in, holding hands and tim's like "!!" and texts the YJ group chat like "hey hypothetical question, what do you do if you find yourself dating a dude?"
and everyone gets his ass because what do you mean "what do you do if you find yourself dating a dude?" did you slip into him?
Tim's like "I don't know what happened! We met up for dinner and we kept meeting up and he started staying the night and we hold hands and cuddle and share a blanket but I just thought he was super tactile like me. and we haven't talked about it so it's still very possible that sharing a drink right now is platonic"
so of course everyone is telling him to go in for a kiss while tim is like "i don't even know if he likes boys!"
meanwhile bernard is like "I didn't think I would get this far, but he hasn't made up a girlfriend yet so if we keep on track, we'll be kissing by the time we're 40. so long as he survives every rogue in gotham wanting this twink obliterated"
Did we all collectively agree that Tim chooses to have a public feud with Red Robin as a way to cover his identity?
___
Reporter, pushing a microphone on RR: What are your thoughts on Tim Wayne's recent kidnapping?
Red Robin, deadpan: He's an asshole cosplaying a feral racoon and whiny bitch.
-Later that day-
Tim, watching the news: Well fuck you too *flips off the TV*
Batfam: *concerned*
___
Bernard, who's publicly in a relationship with Timothy Drake-Wayne, was caught kissing RR on a rooftop. Kon-El, who the world thinks definitely has a thing with RR, was seen carrying Tim back to a penthouse at night.
This leads Gotham city to believe that Tim and RR stole eachother's boyfriend. Thus fuelling another war between RR and Tim on twitter.
It didn't help when a picture of Bernard and Superboy having a date was posted online.
___
Tim: *requested and funded a Red Robin joint to be built in Gotham city *
A video of RR staring at the building offended and distained from across the street went viral.
"Batman birthed all his Robin's" but Dick gaslit himself (and othere) into believing it was true to some extent.
—
Dick, eight years old, staring a reporter in the eye: What?
Reporter: Rumor has it that Bruce Wayne and Batman have been seen together.
Dick: Well DUH!
Dick: Batman gave birth to me :)
Bruce, choking on his drink in the background:
—
Later, Jason sitting in Dick's apartment, playing a video game: Any reason reporters think Batman and Bruce are dating?
Dick, not paying any attention: Didn't he give birth to you?
Jason: ???? What the F*CK!?
—
Much later, Jason being told Catherine wasn't his bio Mom before seeing his birth certificate: Oh my god. Batman gave birth to me.
—
Bruce: I'm fine, Nightwing.
Dick: Sure you aren't pregnant again?
Bruce:
Bruce: What?
Dick: You really gotta start using protection.
—
Dick, half asleep during movie night: Can't believe you slept with Willis Todd.
Jason, a full adult: Both my Dad's are hoes.
Bruce: . . .
—
Timbin: Hi, Mr. Nightwing Robin Dick Grayson Sir!!! I'm Tim Drake—
Dick: I KNEW BRUCE SLEPT WITH JACK DRAKE!!!
Timbin: . . . Clearly you're still deeply affected by the death of Jason Todd.
—
Tim, after spending a week with Dick: . . . Dad?
Jack: Yes, son?
Tim: Did Bruce Wayne give birth to me?
Jack:
Jack: Are you doing drugs with Ives??
—
Stephanie:
Dick: I—
Stephanie: Make the joke and I'll make sure you lack your namesake.
Dick: Understood.
—
Tim, walking into the cave: Alfred said Bruce won't be patrolling tonight. I think he was complaining about stomach cramps.
Dick: All the pregnancies really did a number on him.
Jason: Probably Tim's fault, on his medical records it said he was born nearly ten pounds.
Dick: What happened, Tim?! You're so tiny now.
Jason: To bad he didn't consider abortion.
Tim: I wish he aborted you!
Jason: He probably tried to abort you! Your a#& just dodged the hanger.
Tim: Maybe you should've taken note and dodged that crowbar.
Dick: Guys, stop making abortion and death jokes! But to be technical I was the easiest pregnancy—
Damian: WHAT IS EVERYONE TALKING ABOUT?!
Tim, grinning at Jason:
Jason, clearing his throat: I think it's time you found this out Damian...
Dick, dramatically placing a hand on Damian's shoulder: Bruce gave birth to us all.
Damian:
Damian: What?
Jason: Think about it. Who would be insane enough to not abort Tim?
Damian: . . . Father.
Tim: Do you really think Talia Al Ghul would spend nine months undergoing the hardships of pregnancy?
Damian: I . . . No . . . Wait . . .
Dick: Jason didn't die searching for his birth Mother, Dami.
Jason, trying not to laugh: The Joker was jealous that he wasn't the Father, Damian. He killed me because I wasn't his.
Damian: You're all liars!
Jason: It's true! Batman and The Joker were in a very committed relationship!
Dick: My Dad is actually the Joker.
Damian: . . . what .
Dick: Who do you think gave me my love of the circus, Dames?
Tim: It was before the acid incident, obviously.
Jason: Batman cheated on him, that's how I was born.
Damian: . . . Batman gave birth to me?
Tim: Batman gave birth to all of us, Damian.
Duke, in the background: I am not a part of this!
—
Damian, the next time he meets with Talia: Mother?
Talia: Yes, my heart?
Damian: Is it true that Grayson was the Joker and Batman's child and that Todd was born out of wedlock from Batman which is what led to him being murdered and their divorce and that Timothy was birthed by Batman from an affair and that you got Batman pregnant and he also birthed me?
Talia, taking his face in her hands:
Talia: I wasn't supposed to tell you until you were older.
—
Bruce: Dick, Jason?
Dick: Yeah, B?
Jason: What?
Bruce: Can you please stop telling your siblings elaborate stories regarding me birthing them?
Jason: No.
Dick: What? No harm no foul!
Bruce, inhaling sharply: Damian beat the Joker within an inch of his life today, screaming "Why couldn't you love Todd as your own?" And then, as he was being taken to Arkham, shouted, "Do you know what the divorce did to Grayson!?"
Jason:
Dick:
Bruce: Tim still thinks I slept with his Father.
Jason: Didn't you?
Bruce: Jason.
Jason: Bruce.
Dick: Okay, so, maybe it's a little bit out of hand...
Bruce: Damian think you're a child of divorce between me and the Joker! Harley Quinn keeps asking why the Joker didn't even get weekends with you!
Jason: Maybe you should've thought about that before getting the divorce.
Bruce: Jason. Peter. Todd. Wayne.
Dick: Look, B, it's not that bad! It's funny. Dami will grow up and realize it was a stupid prank.
Jason: The story bits yeah.
Bruce: . . . Jay, what do you mean the story bits?
Jason: He'll still know you birthed us all.
Bruce:
Dick:
Dick: Jason. You know that Sheila is the one who actually gave birth to you, right?
Jason:
Jason: Dick. You told me that you picked out my middle name.
Dick:
Bruce:
Jason:
Dick: Now you're f*cking with us.
Jason: I could be. I could not be. But either way, betrayal happened in this room tonight.
Bruce: Dick.
Dick: Okay, fine, I'll stop telling people you birthed us and let the Joker raw dog you...
—
Meanwhile, many years earlier, the one time a reporter interacted with Alfred:
Alfred: I birthed the boy myself! I do believe I am fit to be his caretaker!
Gotham Rogues hate - or at least have history with - the Bat, his string of Robins and extended allies. That is known. That overgrown cosplayer and his gaggle of twerps have been knocking out goons, wrecking shipments and foiling plans since they squeezed themselves into those damn spandex costumes.
But other rogues from outside of Gotham? They better not touch their Bat or his Robins. Imagine if you will:
Lex Luthor arriving into Gotham and cornering the Bat only for Harley Quinn to show up, kneecap Luthor with her hammer, nod politely to Bats and walk off into the night like nothing happened.
Nightwing has been shot in the side, he's dragging himself to safety before Deathstroke can find him. A car pulls up, door pops open, it's Don Falcone, "get in kid".
Red Hood is caught with no bullets, empty holsters Lady Shiva closing in and he's down some alley, where a door opens and it's Two Face, jerking his head for Jason to get his ass inside.
Robin is about to get taken out by a sniper sent by the League of Assassins, the Joker drops an anvil on their nest because he's the only one who kills Robins in this city.
Dr Psycho is targetting Red Robin and Killer Croc bursts out of the sewers, snapping him up like the "fucking mosasaurus in Jurassic World" according to Tim later on.
Rogues hate the Bat and his brats but if anybody is going to take them out, it isn't going to be some hicks from Metropolis or that pile of shit they call Bludhaven.
I figured that Tim, as a skateboarder, would emphasize the value of protective equipment. Steph normally wears a helmet afaik, but maybe she likes to annoy him.
In other news, I realized I'm a little too invested in Stephanie Brown for someone who has read very few of her comics. Obviously, the only solution is to read more of her comics. Recommendations, anyone?
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