[awaitingfall]

01.03.26

Haven't weighed in a bit - my period is about to begin and I just started Chloe Ting's 2019 2-week shred again, so I'll be weighing in about a week after my period ends. I took my measurements about a week before Christmas, so I'll also be using those numbers as my starting point. I'm feeling more motivated than ever now to get my body back to a healthier weight and just be the best version of me possible. I'm looking forward to the warmer weather and I want to be able to enjoy it and live fully in the present moment without constantly being uncomfortable with how my clothes are fitting, or being out of breath and tired all the time.

I ordered a new planner for the year. I stopped using my planner in August last year because of all the stress from the roof installation incident. I just didn't have time to sit down and plan out my days/weeks/months. I was too stressed to even care. I just wanted to rest. But that led to really letting myself go in a lot of areas. I feel like I've been so lazy since then and I never want to do anything except sit on my ass on my days off and scroll through social media. So with my new planner, I'm hoping it'll help motivate me to find time to work on my hobbies and my health again. I want to get back into art, I want to be more physical, I want to spend more time in nature, and I want to also learn more. I've been doing well keeping up with Duolingo every day and reading non-fiction books.

E is going to be going abroad for work for 2 months soon. I'm aiming to really get myself on track during that time. I can just focus on myself and create good habits without any distractions. Just me, the cat, and all the time in the world to do whatever I want to do, when I want to do it (except when I'm at work...). I just can't let my anxiety get the better of me. I need to remind myself that the time will fly by quicker than I expect and I really need to prioritize MYSELF in that short amount of time. This is the perfect opportunity to get myself back to where I need to be in order to achieve my goals. Just alone time for self-care and focus.

[awaitingfall]

12.14.25

Long time, no see!

I've been through quite a lot this year. I left my sedentary job back in April and started a new, more active job, hoping that would help with my weightloss...except the house decided to give us more trouble than we ever could've imagined and I ended up at the doctors twice in 2 months from the immense amount of stress I was under from mid-June to late September :( and all that stress caused crazy weight gain. I was 143 at the beginning of the year, and now I'm 155.8. 12.8lbs doesn't seem like a lot, but I'm super short so it's incredibly noticeable 😢 Feels more like a 30lb gain. I can't wear anything but sweatpants and oversized tee's, and those pants are even starting to get tight.

So I'm deciding to lock in now. I've had the last 2 months to recover from the stress and work on fixing my blood pressure and thyroid levels - now it's time to work on my weight and appearance.

I'm going to be tracking my exercise, as well as the food I eat every day. I'm not going to go crazy with calories - I just want to write down everything I eat so I can look back each week and see what I could've done better (1 less snack? did I eat too late? etc.) I know what foods are healthy and unhealthy, so I don't want to get caught up in numbers so much.

And for my exercise, I used to follow a lot of Chloe Ting videos, but I think they get too repetitive and I dread them after a week of the programs, so I'm going to do my own routine that I can switch exercises in and out everyday. I'll also be including lots of jumping squats and lunges, some weights, and resistance bands to really work my muscles. I've been feeling so weak recently, and some days at work I struggle to stand back up after squatting down low. 30 years old is starting to feel like 60 😭

My first goal is to lose 5lbs by roughly mid-January. That's 1 month. It'll be the hardest, since I'm basically starting from scratch, so I won't be upset if I don't reach the goal by that exact time. As long as I'm heading in the right direction and still have motivation to keep pushing through, that's all that matters!

I'll update again soon, hopefully!

[awaitingfall]

01.22.25

143

Woo! Lost 1.1 lbs. Finally seeing some progress. I did a 10 min Chloe Ting a video in the middle of the day yesterday and then I ran on the elliptical for about 25-30 mins around 5:30pm. I also didn’t eat anything after 3:30ish.

- - -

Almost had a small panic attack this morning when my alarm went off because I was dreading going back into work today. And to make it worse, the temp this morning was -3 when I went out to go start my car. And my car almost didn’t start 😭 Wish it didn’t start so I could’ve gone in late…or not at all 😔

- - -

I’m going to do the same Chloe Ting video tonight after I get home from work, but skip the elliptical since I’ve been walking around at work a decent amount today. I’m going to keep that routine for the rest of the week and then on the weekend I’ll do that video as well as elliptical, unless I go out for a walk or hike (which probably wont happen this weekend anyways since it’s so damn cold). I would run on the elliptical tonight, too, BUT I really want to finish ACOMAF by the end of this week so I want to give myself time to read a little tonight before I pass out in bed.

- - -

I’m really hoping to see 142 on the scale tomorrow 🤞🏻🤞🏻🤞🏻🤞🏻

[awaitingfall]

01.21.25

144.1

Not really sure how I haven’t lost even just a tiny bit of weight and I’m actually getting a little concerned…😓

- - -

I woke up around 5:30 this morning and had some kombucha, then ate a bagel with cream cheese around 7:30. After that I set a timer for 30 mins and read until the timer went off. Then I started working on unpacking the boxes we had in the living room. I cleaned up and vacuumed and finished that up around 9:30. My stomach is already starting to growl, but I’m going to wait until 11 to have some yogurt with berries and nuts.

I’m going to also read tarot at some point but I think my mom might call me soon and her conversations can last 2 hours easily so I might do tarot later after I work out. I wanted to exercise this morning, but I wasn’t expecting to wake up as hungry as I did.

- - -

I really feel like just sitting and reading until 11, but that’s not going to help me drop the weight. I need to stay in motion for the majority of the day if I want to see actual progress 😭 I can’t believe I had gotten to 133.7 and now I’m 10lbs heavier in just a few short months. Truly depressing. I knew getting a desk-type job was going to change my lifestyle from active to almost completely sedentary and I KNEW I was going to hate it 😭

Just gotta keep an eye on the job openings. That other screen printing job that was located across the river is no longer up on indeed. Kind of regret not reaching out to them, but also I know I would’ve regretted taking a job across the river again and spending so much in tolls every day and having my commute be absolute hell. My mom suggested I ask my boss if they could get me a standing desk because her boss at the college she worked for did that for her when she asked. But I know they wouldn’t do that for me since they can’t even swap out my computer for one that doesn’t freeze and shits the bed every 3 hours. They also won’t give me a label printer so I can’t even do a big part of my job because I need to print labels for the packages! They’re too lazy to do anything to help their employees.

But…………at least I don’t have to work late until 9pm like some people I know irl.

[awaitingfall]

01.20.25

Didn’t weigh

I wanted to weigh this morning but I forgot to before I ate. I will remember to weigh tomorrow morning, though. I’m also going to start Chloe Ting back up this week. I’m not going to stick to a hard schedule, I just need to start somewhere because I’ve become way too sedentary and it doesn’t feel good. I’m not sure where my yoga mat went during the moving process, so I’ll just use a blanket and lay it out in my art room tomorrow morning. Maybe I’ll do a workout before I eat breakfast. I usually like to start my mornings on the calmer side, but I know I’m not gonna a want to do it at the end of the day. So I’ll wake up, weigh myself, get in a CT workout for however long I can last, then make some coffee and breakfast. Actually I might skip on the coffee and just have my kombucha instead. I feel like the acidity from my coffee has been bothering my stomach more lately.

- - -

I didn’t get to read too much today. Like I said, I’ve become more sedentary than I’d like and it didn’t feel good sitting on my ass for a 3rd day in a row just reading. I couldn’t focus, I felt like I needed to move. So I took care of tidying up the bedroom a little more since we’re still in the unpacking process. We’ve got a few more kitchen boxes to go and then E needs to unpack the rest of his game room stuff but I know that won’t happen cuz as long as he’s got his PS5 set up, then he’s good and those other boxes can stay packed for another year until he finally decides to get around to it 🙃 I really be questioning why I’m attracted to men sometimes… Speaking of which, I feel like I need to start focusing a little more attention back on myself like I used to when I was ending my last relationship. I was super happy then, just doing things for ME and not having to baby another person because they didn’t know how to take care of themselves as a grown adult. Difference is this time E knows how to be an adult. I just get too sucked into wanting to do everything with him and a lot of the things he wants to do are stinky boring boy things and then I just wait around being bored until he wants to do something fun together. When really, in those moments, I should be doing things that I wanna do and that I think are fun! I just have to find those things again. I tried getting back into tarot but it just didn’t feel the same…

- - -

I’m like 99% sure I’ll be calling out tomorrow - I already gave my boss a heads up that I’m still not feeling better and might be going to urgent care. Just to give myself one more day to chill and not get taken advantage of on the busiest work days like how it has been. It just so convenient for them to let me get stuck with all the heavy lifting and counter work because my desk is the only one that’s located right in the mail room - everyone else has the luxury of hiding at their desks in the copy center where they can’t be seen or harassed by students. So tomorrow, when they’ll be busy with extra mail from the holiday and weekend, they can get off their asses and actually do some work for once instead of sitting off to the side listening to me struggle as I do the work of 3 people and not offering help.

- - -

What else…

Idk I’m so tired now. I’m gonna go buy some jewelry clasps and beads on amazon or something cuz I’ve been wanting to make my own jewelry for a while now and I have some of the things I need, but I forgot a few important things, like clasps, to actually put the necklaces together lol so yeah, I’m gonna do that now and then watch a movie with E before bed.

Goodnight!

[awaitingfall]

01.19.25

144.1 :(

Yeah, so that was super expected after eating so many treats this week at work. But it was enough of a kick in the ass to get serious again. I called out sick from work on Friday just to take a relax day off with E and finish ACOTAR. Yesterday, Saturday, was my weekend shift this month so I had a decent breakfast and only snacked on a few bites of trail mix while I was doing the mail run, just for some energy. Then, when I got home around 1:15pm, I went straight to go run on the elliptical. It’s still freezing in the garage, so I bundled up. But then I was sweating so much after just 10 mins. I only lasted 15 before calling it quits because this job has gotten me SO out of shape and just the elliptical feel like a crazy workout. Then I attempted to fast after eating dinner aroundd 3:30, but I was super hungry before bed so I had some sourdough hard pretzel bites and a clementine.

- - -

Today I did better in terms of eating/fasting as well as exercise. I was able to last 20 mins on the elliptical this time before it felt like I was gonna have a heart attack 😀 so cool. Breakfast was a small egg sandwich, lunch was a toasted bagel with cream cheese, and dinner was Greek yogurt with pecans, walnuts, blueberries, and some dark chocolate. I could’ve eaten a little less carbs, but still..I’m not mad about it. We did our grocery shopping today and I initially wanted to make my sweet potato soup again to help me with the weight loss, but since I’m only going to be at work 4 (maybe 3) days this week, I decided I would just take sandwiches. So I got sourdough bread, turkey, fresh mozzarella, roasted red peppers, and cucumber to slice on my sandwich. But I think next week I want to make my soup again. I feel like I need more veggies in my diet!

- - -

I got through a good chunk of ACOMAF today. I’m actually really enjoying the series so far. I really didn’t think I’d like it, but I’ve had a hard time putting the book down for more than 30 mins to go do something else productive lol

I feel like I could easily finish the book if I just dedicated tomorrow and Tuesday (if i call out from work again) to just reading.

- - -

Plan for tomorrow is try and fast longer in the morning, start my day with some kombucha, then have my plain Greek yogurt with nuts and berries for breakfast. Then read some more ACOMAF and attempt to run on the elliptical for more than 20 mins. Then probably shovel the driveway for more exercise. I think for lunch I’ll have an egg sandwich on a bagel. Idk what dinner will be but maybe I’ll just fast after lunch since I’ll be pushing breakfast back a little.

[awaitingfall]

01.16.25

Didn’t weigh

I ended up fasting last night, finally! I stuck with my fasting hours for the day and was so happy when I woke up and realized I didn’t snack at all last night even though E asked if I wanted to have some hot cocoa with him. I politely declined 😌 BUT I’m not proud of how I ate during the day. WAYYYYY too many desserts :( I had 2 slices of cake - one chocolate mousse and one banana with toasted marshmallow, then the student worker brought in the desserts she made which was donut holes filled with chocolate ganache and a s’mores ice cream dessert…sooo really not proud of that. I need to practice saying “no”. I should actually keep a tally of how many times a day I have to decline food - cuz I feel like there’s way too many instances where I’m offered food at work. I’d fill up a whole page in my journal with tally marks of how any times I’m offered food in just one week 😭 This job is honestly a nightmare to someone in recovery, I’m always so worried it’s going to make me go back to starving myself from gaining too much weight from all these tempting foods. I don’t want to be the person I used to be, smashing plates of food on the ground and crying because I want it so bad but I don’t want to gain weight…

But I think I’m a lot stronger now, mentally, and can handle it better. It hasn’t gotten me yet!

I WILL actually keep track of me saying “no thanks” to food being offered, though, because that’s good progress and I can look back and see how disciplined I’ve been about it in correlation to my weightloss.

- - -

I hope today will be slower like yesterday and I hope we get a student worker in. I’m pretty sure we will be, but I’m not sure what time. I just hope she’ll be here for the bigger student rush times.

I really wanted to bring my book in to read more, but I don’t think I can bring ACOTAR into work without everyone judging me lol

- - -

Just gonna chill for now and watch some YouTube before it gets busier

[awaitingfall]

01.15.25

Didn’t weigh

I ended my night poorly yesterday after a super stressful day of work the past 2 days - I ended up eating a full meal after I got out of work and then E and I influenced each other and we went on a grocery store run for cookies and hot cocoa. Eating all that food and sugar right before bed was a terrible idea and I ended up waking up super hungry. The more I eat before bed, the hungrier I feel in the morning. Which sucks when I’m trying to prolong my fasting in the morning. And to make it worse, I ate 2 more cookies to calm my hunger until breakfast…which I didn’t even get to eat much of because I woke up late and was running behind. I ended up getting into work 20 mins late, so now I can only clock out for a 10 min break if I want to make up for that time I lost this morning.

UGH - I’m so over this week.

- - -

I can’t wait for the summer. I threw on my Spotify recommended after I got into work since it was a bit calmer here compared to to the last 2 days and I started journaling and a super summery chill song came on and just made me start CRAVING summer. So I texted E my plan I came up with. You ready? I suggested we take 2 days of vacation (or sick) time each late spring/summer month to go out on a less busy weekday to enjoy the outdoors and make more memories. Last summer we tried going on hikes on the weekends because we used all of our vacation time for a long week trip to the lake, but the weekends were always PACKED with people from the city (being influenced by these upstate NY travel tiktoks) and it was NEVER enjoyable. Made me miss the covid lockdown days when no one was outside lol Anyways, we don’t have hotel-vacation kind of money now after the house, so I suggested we spend those vacation days broken up into little day trips during week days so it’s not so crowded. And then that way, when everyone else is out on the weekends crowding up the trails and being annoying, we can be home working on our yard - cuz holy shit there’s a lot of yard work that’ll need to be done. So I think my plan is a good one! That way we don’t lose this summer to just house work and boredom/being stuck going out on busy days and ending up miserable and not enjoying it (update: E finally texted back and he thinks it’s a great idea! I was worried it would be hard to convince him to take random days off cuz he doesn’t like calling out of work - but then what’s the purpose of our jobs giving us those hours to take off? Make it make sense! Well I’m glad he’s on the same page as me! Now we need to start coming up with some cute day trip ideas and I need to start taking my weightloss a little more seriously if I want to go to the beach this summer)

- - -

Ugh work is picking up again now and I won’t be getting help until 2pm 😭

[awaitingfall]

01.13.25

141.9

Not the goal I was aiming for, but it’s still a loss so I’ll take it. My goal for the end of this week is 141. Small baby steps. I’m also trying to introduce a longer intermittent fasting schedule. I prepped my breakfast egg sandwich ahead of time and then reheated it right before I left for work so I can give my body more time in the morning to move and get the blood flowing before I start putting food on my stomach. That way it can digest a little better.

- - -

I set up my art room this weekend and it came together really nicely <3 I love it so much. I got to sit in there and journal and read - it was so nice and calming. It’s the same location in the house as my old bedroom was growing up in my parents house, the furthest front facing room, so it made me feel at-home.

- - -

It’s been crazy at work today already and I’ve been stuck with about 99% of the work so far. I almost started crying cuz I dropped someone’s packages right in front of them while trying to balance them all on my own cuz I had no help :(

Super stressful.

I’m gonna call out this Friday and take a chill day with E at home just to relax because we’ve been so busy unpacking still. And then I have Monday off for the holiday and might take Tuesday off just to avoid being the person that gets all the work forced onto them cuz I know it’s going to be busy. The last few days I’ve been left alone to man the entire mail room while everyone else just hides at their desks and goes wandering around the halls and going to the cafeteria, etc. And I injured my shoulder last week doing the mail run by myself and now it’s re-injured and hurting really bad from being the only one in here to lift packages and sort mail away.

I’m the hardest worker in this office - I deserve a break. I’m actually starting to think they’re taking advantage of me because they’ve acknowledged how quickly and efficiently I work. And suddenly they’ve been leaving me to pick up their tasks as well.

[awaitingfall]

01.07.25

142.5

Not as bad as I thought it would be! My last weigh in was December 24th and I was 141.2. So considering how much takeout I’ve been eating and how much stress I’ve been under, I’m surprised I didn’t gain more. But I’m not complaining, that’s for sure!

My goal for this week now is to lose 1 pound and I need to start intermittent fasting again. I would’ve done well last night except I was craving a cup of hot cocoa with my book. Only issue was I drank all the hot cocoa and didn’t read a single word in my book - I got side tracked on instagram. That’ll be another thing I work on this year, less social media. I really like using insta to find new recipes to try out, but there’s too many other useless posts that pull my attention away a little too much and I just end up wasting time 😭

- - -

Work was pretty rough yesterday just because I was here alone in my half of the office up until 1pm, and it being the first school day back for students made it pretty chaotic. So my hips are sore now from fast walking and going back and forth from standing and sitting in my uncomfortable office chair. But at least I was active yesterday! I miss being more active at work…and doing actual fun things at work like screen printing…and I miss having Fridays off…I just miss my old job again 🥲 But definitely not my boss. I wouldn’t go back to that specific job just because of him. Idk we’ll see. I’ll keep a search going and just chill where I am for now.

- - -

I had some pretty wild dreams the first few nights after moving into the house and one of them was that my grandma died. I told my mom about it cuz I was worried since I’ve had dreams before about death and they’ve been true - like how I dreamt about my aunt passing from cancer back in 2022, she ended up dying the following morning from it. And I dreamt about a woman with dark curly hair having a miscarriage and my old bosses girlfriend, who has super dark super curly hair had a miscarriage about a week after that dream.

And now I’m actually getting worried because the day after I had that dream about my grandma, they had to take her to the ER and she was admitted to the hospital with RSV and severely labored breathing. SO 👏 still a little creepy that I’m having these dreams about death that are basically visions 😬 They were supposed to release my grandma yesterday, but apparently she’s doing worse so they’re keeping her in the hospital to let the RSV run its course while they keep an eye on her because she’s a heavy smoker so she needs to stay on oxygen.

- - -

Anyways! Today’s been a little better so far, but it’s still just the morning. I’m expecting it to get crazy again in about an hour.

Today will be a good day!

[awaitingfall]

01.06.25

Didn’t weigh

Good news! My period is almost over and I was able to find my scale (and it didn’t break in transport)!

I’m so exhausted today because I didn’t sleep all that well, so I’m just focusing on how tired I am and all the negatives going on around me - like how today, and the rest of this week, is going to be HELLA busy at work because the students are back after winter break. But I want to break that habit again. I was doing so well focusing on positives but fell back into the negative cycle since the job change and moving process took over all the free space in my mind.

So here are some positives:

- It may be getting busier at work again, but that just means it’ll make the days fly by AND I’ll get to be more active at work. I was sitting way too much during down time the last 2 weeks and gave myself terrible back aches from it.

- I found my scale and can get my start-of-month weight recorded for the new year this week once my period is fully over! I’m excited to re-start this journey and I won’t be upset no matter how high the number on the scale is. Just means I have a bigger challenge, but it’s nothing I can’t handle since I’ve done it before! I’m actually so ready for the challenge of losing weight - I think I just have the classic ‘new year, new me’ trope stuck in my head, but hey, at least it’s getting me motivated!

- The kitchen in the house is now useable and I was able to meal prep for work lunches yesterday! It may not be the healthiest meal in the world, but it’s home-cooked and it’s way more nutritious than eating Dunkin breakfast sandwiches for all of my meals. (I made a simple pasta salad with olive oil, salt, pepper, garlic powder, cucumbers, cherry tomatoes, artichoke hearts, pepperoncini, olives, and fresh mozzarella. It’s actually fairly healthy, just a lot of pasta. But again, it’s home-cooked food made with love ❤️).

- I happened to look out the window at the perfect time this morning and caught the most beautiful vibrant pink and orange sunrise - less than a minute later the clouds rolled in and covered it up. I felt so lucky catching that and sharing the moment with E 💜)

- E and I are going to focus on sealing up the garage a little better so we can use it as our home-gym temporarily until we get the back man-cave shed fixed up well enough to move the equipment to there. So we’ll have a nice little separate gym area to help us both achieve our goals 😊

- My art room is coming together! It feels so cozy and I’m going to take my parents’ recliner that they don’t use anymore to put in the corner so I can have a comfy place to read all my books, too, and not be stuck in bed reading and getting a back ache

- The days are starting to get longer again and soon it’ll be spring! Even if we don’t get to do a garden this year, we’ll still have so much yard work to do and make it feel like an oasis in our own backyard. I’m incredibly excited to have a yard. And it’s a really nice size for hosting BBQ’s and definitely a lot of space for a nice full garden.

Ugh I’m so excited for warmer weather already - I was so looking forward to winter this year but I’m over it now 😂 I’m ready to enjoy my new backyard!

So yeah! There’s my list of positives for the future, both near and far. Work is starting to pick up now so I’ll leave it at that!

Today will be a great day!

[awaitingfall]

01.02.25

Didn’t weigh

Happy New Year!

We’ve been officially living in our new home since Saturday night and handed over our apartment keys on Tuesday. I cried SO much the last few days we were at the apartment. I really don’t know why, considering I hated so much about it like the terrible neighbors and the constant smoke smell and maintenance that did nothing but sit on their asses and LIE - but I think it was from a mix of feeling like we were leaving memories behind with it, as well as my emotions going crazy cuz my period was about to start in a few days lol but also maybe just from stress because every time I tried to hold back my tears it felt like I was going to start hyperventilating. So I just cried it all out. I’m doing much better now that we’ve been getting most of the rooms put together. It’s starting to feel like home and seeing my cat open up to the new location is making me feel better too. She was definitely scared at first, which made me feel terrible about moving her, but she’s already plotted out her racetrack for her morning zoomies 😂

I’d say the house is about 60% put together - we’ve got the bedroom, kitchen, bathroom, game room, and living room semi-setup. We still have to finish cleaning up the kitchen cabinets and putting down contact paper and shelf liners cuz the old cabinets are kinda rusty since they’re metal - also who tf chooses metal cabinets in the kitchen 💀 Our first big projects are going to be re-doing the bathroom and also the sunroom. I want the sunroom to be a livable space so that means: tearing out the nasty carpet and laying down tiles, putting insulation in the walls, giving everything a fresh coat of paint, replacing the broken storm doors…i think those are the only big things to get the room in better shape.

- - -

I haven’t been focused on my weight since we started packing up our lives into boxes, and unfortunately I have no clue where E put my scale so I have no way of checking the damage done by eating take-out for almost every meal for 2 weeks straight. Hopefully I’ll come across the scale in one of our millions of boxes that still need to be unpacked sooner than later 😭 And hopefully I can get back to meal prepping and working out, especially now that I took my mom’s elliptical cuz we have space for it FINALLY 😍

I don’t know how this month is going to go since there’s a lot that needs to be done around the house, so I’ll make my goals achievable:

For the month of January I’d like to lose 2-3 lbs from whatever I weigh at the time of finding my scale, I’d like to get into a routine of working out every day - from anywhere between 15 mins to 45 mins, I’d like to start meal prepping again and eating more veggies. I’ve also gotten more into reading, so I’d like to have a goal to read a little every single day, as well as keep up with language.

Eventually painting will be part of my monthly goals, but for January I think just focusing on the basics of getting back into my old routine while settling in the new house is good enoug. I can worry about art next month or maybe in the Spring.

I’ll probably update on here once I find my scale and can start tracking my weight again.

[awaitingfall]

12.19.24

Didn’t weigh

I’ve just been sticking with the flow that I’ve been in the past few weeks. But today I ended up cooking a garlic and spinach pasta dish in the morning to bring for lunch cuz I’m so tired of having deli meat sandwiches or yogurt. I miss having a nice hot meal 😭 I can’t wait to get back to meal prepping once we move. Should be another week and a half until then.

- - -

I’ve never been into fantasy books, like EVER, but I think the reality of buying a house and all the stress it comes with is getting to me and I feel like I need to escape. So I bought the box set of ACOTAR since it was on sale and the B&N edition of One Dark Window and Two Twisted Crowns. Ugh they’re so pretty. I brought the book with me to work since yesterday was pretty dead - but of course it’s super loud here today so I probably won’t get to read it until later.

- - -

Last night, E and I finished painting the ceiling in the kitchen. Today, the furnace guys are coming by to replace the furnace, the gutter guys are coming to take a look and see if they can patch part of our roof as well as put on gutters, and our new washer and dryer are being delivered. So there’s going to be a lot going on today - thankfully my parents are able to be there. Then tonight after work E and I are going to prep and paint the first layer on the kitchen walls. Tomorrow night we’ll get the second coat on. And then finally we can start moving furniture in over the weekend 😁

Next week our new stove and dishwasher will be installed and we’ll have the water softener guy stopping in to get the OG softener that was left in the house all set up and serviced so it’s working again. Then the final weekend of December is move-in time!

- - -

I can’t wait to get back to an actual routine again. But I guess it’s fine that I’m on a loose schedule now cuz my work hours are about to change for the next 2 weeks. So that would’ve thrown a wrench in my routine regardless lol

[awaitingfall]

12.12.24

DIdn’t weigh

I went overboard at work yesterday and had 2 slices of cake and an apple tart and 2 donuts. I was just so exhausted from the last few days we spent working on the house and sugar just sounded so good. I will do better today, though.

- - -

This house is costing us more than we were hoping for. W found out our furnace is broken and leaking so that’s $5,000+ to replace. We need a new water softener and we’re trying to get quotes on that but that’ll be another couple thousand $$$. It was also physically taxing trying to paint all the walls, 2 coats each, with only 2 people (E and I) in just one day. But at least the painting is done and the floor sanding company came in and finished quickly. All that’s left is water softener, furnace replacement, gutters, Wi-Fi install…….and finish painting the kitchen and bathroom…..okay that’s more than I thought. We also need to buy new appliances like washer and dryer and dishwasher and sink…and maybe stove. UGH we also need to remodel the whole bathroom cuz it’s old and nasty and moldy. But that won’t be until January after we move in. Which might be an issue cuz we only have one bathroom in the house, so idk what we’re gonna do about that 🥲 at least E’s parents are 5 mins down the road…

I’m so tired, I just want this to all be over already 😭 This would’ve been a lot easier to manage if we could’ve taken a whole month off from work to just really get everything done. We could’ve probably done the bathroom remodel before the end of the month if that was the case…

- - -

Tonight we have to go back to the house to set up a Radon test to make sure the radon mitigation system is working properly. Then Saturday I have to work in the morning, but I’ll be back at the house to let the wi-if install guy in and close up the radon test to mail back out. And Sunday will just be packing at the apartment. Maybe we’ll start bringing things over to the house and get the Christmas tree set up there 🥹 I’d be so sad if we didn’t get to put up the tree this year.

- - -

I’ll be back to a normal routine in no time.

[awaitingfall]

11.25.24 update

Okay, I sent E a text talking about all the stuff I wrote on here earlier basically and I told him I wanted to talk about it with him, specifically the religious trauma thing, and he agreed with me about how he feels fearful towards them and agrees that he wants to talk about it more in depth later. So that’s a big relief.

- - -

I think I finally got the house closing situation sorted so everything should be good for the closing tomorrow and we should HOPEFULLY get the key at closing and not later in the day or on Wednesday 🤞🏻

- - -

I’m doing okay with food so far today. My co-worker brought me a cookie earlier when I was heavily dissociating and stressing out and I almost cried. I ate it out of stress and appreciation ❤️ But other than that I’m doing fine. I had a small/medium sized sweet potato with 2 eggs for breakfast this morning. Then I picked at a plain bagel when I got into work. And then I had a banana and some Greek yogurt for my lunch. I’m gonna TRY and fast the rest of the day, but I also have a small back-up sandwich with turkey and cheese on sourdough to eat when I get home in case I’m starving. That way I can have enough energy to do my workout for the day. Speaking of which, the workout scheduled for today is a 15 min back and arm routine, as well as a 10 min daily ab routine. So not as long as yesterday’s workout, which is a relief, so I can definitely get through today’s with ease!

[awaitingfall]

11.25.24

138.8

The only thing I feel joyous about today is the fact that I lost weight and stuck to my workout goal for yesterday.

Other than that EVERYTHING else is going downhill.

I had to call in late to work to make a phone call to my attorney and hopefully get the issue we ran into on Saturday figured out. But no. Now it’s turned into an even bigger issue and E’s family is starting to overwhelm me even more :( I can only handle so much and I’m just trying to get this house thing figured out and now I have to listen to them try and get random buddies to come by and fix things on the house for us without consulting with us about it first. Like…I know they’re coming from a good place and trying to take some of the stress off our backs, but it’s really just adding more stress. This is mine and E’s house. Not his parents’ house. They can provide help if they want to, but E and I are calling the shots. They’re just there to be an extra set of hands for support. Not run the show. Then his mom started talking about her helping raise our future children and ALL they were talking about at the final walk-through of the house were where the kids rooms were gonna be and the future dog house and all these things that E and I haven’t fully discussed ourselves. They’re already trying to rush us to have kids and do all these things. THIS IS MINE AND E’S HOUSE AND FUTURE FAMILY, NOT HIS PARENTS’ NOR MY PARENTS’. I sent E a very long message about it this morning and I hope he reads it and understands and agrees. I think a lot of the time he just says yes to his parents because he’s afraid of being confrontational to them. But he’s his own person now. His starting his own family now. They need to detach a little bit and respect his life choices. It’d be one thing if he was living an immoral life of robbing banks and killing people. But no. He’s just choosing to do things a little differently than they did and they shouldn’t get upset about it. They have 2 other sons living at home anyways, they need their help more than we do.

We’re also going to be living just 5 mins down the road from them now, too. They BETTER not show up at our doorstep unexpected or unplanned whenever it conveniences them. Absolutely not. Again. This is our house. They need to be invited.

I just need to have a civil conversation about the whole thing with E, maybe tonight, and come to a solid agreement and solution that will make both of us feel more at ease throughout the rest of the house and moving process.

- - -

I really think E’s scared of his parents and it makes sense. They’re incredibly religious and not tolerant at all when it comes to any other religion than their own. They only approved of him dating me because I was raised Catholic. He still hasn’t told them I’m not practicing anymore (because my mom let me be my own person once I grew up, unlike his). It’s a little sad because they preach all about peace and kindness and then in the same sentence will say shit like “if you don’t believe in Jesus, you’re done for. That’s it. Your life is ruined” WHICH is literally something his dad said last month. So I know E may be dealing with religious trauma from his parents and may not realize it. But I want to try and get him to talk about it. I think he also thinks it’s okay to let them say that to his face and he just nods his head in agreements because they’re the people who raised him so he owes them that respect. But where is the respect for your own child - who is not even a child anymore, he’s now a man and starting his own family? It’ll be a touchy subject to talk about but I want to show him that I’m there to listen and not judge, because I want to get this sorted out before it’s too late and causes more problems in the future with our children.

[awaitingfall]

11.22.24

139.2

Left work early yesterday because my stomach be tryna embarrass me. Ugh I hate being a girl with tummy problems 😔 I think I’ve been eating too much fruit or something and my stomach has been being INCREDIBLY loud trying to digest it. Like, how you gonna gurgle like that in a completely silent room and do me dirty 😤 so I just left cuz I wasn’t about to go through 2 more hours of that.

But I ran on the elliptical as soon as I got home! And I fasted the rest of the night! So yay for me! I finally stuck to my plan!

It’s the first snow of the season today 😍 Snow is just so magical - it never fails to excite me. It could be snowing for a week straight and I’ll still do a happy dance the next morning when I open the blinds again and see it falling. Even if it’s just the slushy kind like today, I just love it so much. It makes me wanna be all cozy with some hot cocoa and a blankie and candles and Christmas music 🥰

- - -

E has a work dinner today to say goodbye to one of the Japanese co-workers cuz he got promoted but has to move back to Japan for the position 😪 But good for him! And at least he’ll get to see his family again!

But that means I’ll be home alone and I really need to try my hardest to not snack out of boredom. My plan is to come home, run on the elliptical, shower, and then maybe I’ll play some Elden Ring. I played a little last night and it was distracting enough to keep my mind off of food. But I was also a little nauseous at the time…so that also helped me stay away from food too 😅 If anything I’ll just get in bed early. That literally always works. It’s just that sometimes I don’t like getting into bed too early because E calls me a grandma and lazy 😭 like..my guy, I’m literally just trying not to binge at night. I need to stay ✨skin-tea✨

- - -

I miiiiiight have to do the outdoor mail run today - the girl is in, but she’s taking care of the indoor mail run for the other girl that’s out today. I’m glad I brought my snow boots if I do end up having to! Part of me is not looking forward to it because everything will get wet and icky, but the upside is I’ll get to be out in the snow and enjoy the prettiness of it 🥰