[awesehun]

I’m tired. And I don’t mean the superficial sense of the word. I mean I feel an ache in the spot between my rib cage and there’s a dull thudding in my head. I mean I feel the weight of the world on my shoulders and I want it off.

#63 - Sometimes I wish I didn’t have to wake up

[phoebebridgersarthistory]

the banquet by rené magritte / “me and my dog” by boygenius

[awesehun]

I get incredibly selfish sometimes.

I want to shout at you at the top of my lungs, want to ask - no, demand that you come home to me right this instance.

I go somewhere and all I can think about is God I wish you were here, with me, seeing what I’m seeing, feeling what I’m feeling.

#62 - Instead I’m here alone and everything fucking sucks.

[xiaoguiwang]

1. Langston Hughes // 2. The Last Days of Judas Iscariot ▹ Stephen Adly Guirgis // 3. 真的傻 Foolish Love ▹ 徐佳瑩 Lala Hsu // 4. Letters from Medea ▹ Salma Deera // 5. 知足 Contentment ▹ 五月天Mayday // 6. Good Wife ▹ Mika // 7. The Beatrice Letters ▹ Lemony Snicket // 8. 叛逆者 Pan Ni Zhe ▹ 朱一龙, 郎朗 Zhu Yilong ft. Lang Lang

transcipt under cut

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[awesehun]

Almost every night I dream of you. I know they’re fragments of our memories, of days gone by, but when I dream I feel alive, because it’s like I can really hear your voice, feel your hand in mine.

Almost every night I dream of you, and almost everyday I get mad at myself for waking up.

#61 - Aren’t dreams the tiny whispers of our hearts?

[heavensghost]

Poke - Frightened Rabbit

[awesehun]

Will you still love me when my mind feels like chaos, when my mouth spills out poison, when my eyes glare at you with the fire of a thousand suns? Will you love me when I hate every fiber of my being, when I can’t bear the thought of existing anymore?

#60 - If you will, can you teach me how?

[heartlessqueen]

this journaling page is brought to you by my dramatic ass and is literally about plants dying

[awesehun]

losing her felt like a hand clenching my heart, nails digging deep and drawing blood. it was like forgetting how to breathe and clawing at my throat while gasping for air.

#59 - death is inevitable, but it doesn't mean it does not hurt.

[haleyincarnate]

“no more half loves” by Chloë Frayne

[awesehun]

i must've done something good in my past life to have you in this one. i promise to be good in this life too, so i can have you in the next.

#58 - past, present, future

[hazyaffection]

this will break both of us

[awesehun]

she is sixteen. her days revolve around high school and the boy she loves. she sneaks out of her house twice a week, while both her parents are busy at work, and runs off to meet him. she is sure of who she is. she likes books, and drawing, and writing, and she knows she isn't the best but that does not bother her. her world is small still, and that is okay.

she is eighteen. during her birthday party, the boy she loves dances with her in front of her extended family. she is proud, and happy, and her worries are stored silently in the very back of her mind. sometimes they pop up, but she shoos them away with a wave of her hand. she is strong, and there is still a hint of who she used to be. (it is like a dim lamp, barely there but still shining.) her world is growing bigger and she does not know it yet.

she is twenty. she is lost, and confused, and she does not seem to remember who, or how, she used to be. she feels like a liar, unsure, like a moth swearing up and down that it was supposed to turn into a butterfly. she cannot read, or draw, or write anymore - her heart is gone and her head is stuck somewhere up in the clouds. but the boy stays, and he pulls her hand down when he feels she might float away, and he tells her it is okay to not be the best because the best is overrated anyway. he says he will accept her, help her find her old self or discover a new one in the process. he will give her his heart in exchange for the one she can't find, and in it she will find the bravery she needs to look at how vast her world has suddenly become. "i am here," he tells her, and she believes him, just a little bit. that was enough.

#57 - when jupiter becomes a moth

[etherealyrics]

destination // leanne & naara ft. asch

[awesehun]

"i don't feel so good these days," she tells him as she sits on her bed, phone pressed tightly to her ear.

the sky is dark outside, the rain biding its time.

he could feel her anxiety rolling off like waves on the beach, imagining how cold the foam must feel on bare feet.

"you've just been cooped up in your room too long," he replies gently. "why don't you spend some time in your garden once the sun's out?"

"it's not that," she says. "i just... don't feel like me."

she sighs and he winces, and there is silence, because really, when someone tells you that, what could you possibly tell them back?

it goes on for a while, and just before she apologizes for bothering him with her silliness, he says, "that's okay, i'll keep you company then, even if it's just through the phone. you can talk about anything, about your planets and your greek gods and why you think you don't feel like you, and i'll listen, i'll be patient, and i'm sure somehow, along the way, amongst the many, many words you're sure to say, we'll find the answer. let's find it together."

#56 - jupiter's storms

[book-caps]

Carrie Fisher, Wishful Drinking

[awesehun]

"where are your flowers?" they ask, their hands holding red and white roses and orchids and sunflowers. their faces are flushed and their smiles are wide, their eyes twinkling almost comically, but she could not find the strength to smile.

"there won't be any flowers this valentines day," she replies, her words careful and soft. "i told him i wouldn't accept it unless he gave it to me in person. he's nine thousand kilometers away from me though, so that's not happening any time soon."

#55 - roses and orchids and sunflowers