A Whole Croissant

/ ˈɑ hoʊl krəˈsɑnt/ (n.): A thing that no one needs

[awholecroissant]

The Truth Behind Rick and Morty (Updated)

The long awaited follow up to my original legendary post. 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pcHkzsJ7eAQ

[awholecroissant]

Pokémon: Detective Pikachu

Though I have not played the last two generations of Pokémon games, I still consider myself a Pokémon fan, so any review of “Pokémon: Detective Pikachu” is likely to be heavily biased. Therefore, to be balanced, I have a series of pairs of Pros and Cons.

CON: Ryan Reynolds instead of Danny Devito as Pikachu PRO: Pikachu is not PG-rated Deadpool, but its own fun character.

CON: Only two short 1v1 Pokémon battles. PRO: Jigglypuff sings a person to sleep, Machamp as a traffic guard, Charmander uses tail to heat stir fry, Loudred as speakers.

CON: Lickitung is unnervingly gross PRO: Lickitung is unnervingly gross, as a realistic small, pink, squishy dinosaur with a tongue twice its size should be.

CON: Katheryn Newton’s ridiculous overacting PRO: Katheryn Newton’s overacting reminiscent of the anime

PRO: Mr. Mime CON: Not enough Mr. Mime

CON: Why is Snorlax so small? PRO: Snorlax is actually only 6’11’ (2.1m), so it is an accurate depiction of its size. Most people think Pokémon are a lot bigger than they actually are.

CON: Only one scene of a Pokémon evolving, and it is shown almost as an afterthought PRO: Bill Nighy and the weird evolution scheme

CON: Recycling Mewtwo as an antagonist (sort of) PRO: Recylcing Mewtwo as an antagonist (sort of) and lots of other fan service for older fans: Pikachu, Psyduck in prominent roles and Togepi and Jigglypuff sightings, all of whom had prominent rolls in the anime. The MacGuffin is formula R (for Team Rocket)

BUT there is one, disgustingly upsetting flaw, that does not have any Pro to balance it with. I get you cant have all 809 pokemon in the movie. They decided to go with about 60 different species. I am disappointed that Dunsparce, Shuckle, and Probopass weren’t included, but I accept that. They have to save something for the sequels.

But they decided to have:

Audino

a boring... something

But no Vanillite

Graveler

A stupid rock with hands

BUT NO Vanillish

Emolga

An electric rodent no one cares about

BUT NO Vannilux.

Unforgivable.

0/10

[awholecroissant]

What Ever Happened to Baby Jane?

Blanche, the more successful sister is held captive by her 'caretaker' and younger sister Jane. She isn't being held against her will per se, rather she is disabled and stuck in a wheelchair on the second floor. Unlike in another movie with a similar premise Misery, they aren't in the middle of nowhere. They have neighbors. Blanche's actions become frustrating; all she has to do is yell out the window yet she tries instead to through notes or other ineffective means.

There are a lot of aspects of the film, due to the era it is from, that feel dated now. In general, the score is in a pivotal role in horror movies and thrillers more so than many other genres. What Ever Happened to Baby Jane? has a contemporary orchestral score that at times is over bearing and detracts from the experience rather than increasing the tension. There are also several 'dramatic reveals' punctuated by zooms which have almost vanished from cinematic language nowadays. They come off as childish and somewhat silly not frightening. The Edwin subplot is underdeveloped and barely necessary. If I had to guess it was a decision to at least have some men in the movie too. How Victor Bruno got nominated for an Oscar for that role is beyond me. 

The movie somewhat falls flat as a thriller, but it is more about the performances, mainly the titular Jane. Bettie Davis inside and out. She wonderfully walks on the edge of a evil villain and sympathetic tragic figure. Joan Crawford's performance as Blanche is overshadowed by Jane who is far more interesting and dynamic. Baby Jane is a memorable and fascinating movie villain.

The premise is solid and the performances are exceptional. What really cements this as a classic is the ending, an ending that is brilliantly foreshadowed at the beginning. Thinking back it is almost too obvious. As a child Baby Jane demands ice cream, though bizarrely she is portrayed negatively for this reason. Meanwhile her sister Blanche is offered ice cream and refuses. It all comes back full circle in the glorious ending. 

10/10 big strawberries

Shown, mentioned, multiple scenes. RT: 92% IMDB: 8.1

[awholecroissant]

Borg vs McEnroe (2017)

Two people compete for a singular goal. You know from the beginning, that one has to lose, despite both being worthy: that is the inherent drama of a VS film. It isn’t a film of protagonist and antagonist, but rather two protagonists.

Björn Borg (Sverrir Gudnason) and John McEnroe (Shia LeBeouf) are perfect subjects for dual-protagonist. They are each other’s foils: one is a proven winner, emotionless and never faltering juxtaposed by the hot-headed rising star bursting with passion. And through the course of the film, you see that the two aren’t that different in their core. It is difficult to have a true 50-50 split, showing each character equally, this film doesn’t come close; it is more like 85-15. It isn’t “Borg vs McEnroe” as much as it is “BORG (… andmcenroeisinthemoviealso)”.

That being said, the movie works well as a Borg biopic. Most films follow the scrappy underdog, but there is plenty of drama with Borg. Because he won four straight Wimbeldons, everyone expects him to win his fifth and losing would be seen as a failure on his part. The numerous flashbacks show how he got to be where he is and who he is. McEnroe isn’t an equal protagonist, but more of a ghost taunting and haunting the Swede. Adding to this specter-feel is the fact that the two don’t have a meaningful interaction until the tennis match at the end of the film. Which, after the whole film is spent hyping it up, is surprisingly a letdown. I blame it more so on the difficulty of portraying a sport like tennis in a dramatic way. Janus Metz tries his best to show the matches in visually interesting ways, but there’s only so much he could do.

That is the deepest and fundamental flaw of the film. It’s not that it glossed over 90% of the titular characters’ rivalry or it not really being a rivalry film in the first place, it is the final tennis match. It doesn’t really matter who wins. Either one could hold up the winning trophy in the end, there would still be the empty sense of nothing truly being accomplished. Is a piece of metal really what all that mental anguish had been for? As the great philosopher Demetri Martin once said, “I used to play sports. Then I realized you can buy trophies.” And to add to that: why buy trophies when you can buy ice cream?

0/10 Swedish Phish Food

IMDB: 7.2 RT 74%

[awholecroissant]

Stoker (2013)

The director of this film, Chan-wook Park, is best known for writing and directing Oldboy (the original, not the lazy Hollywood remake). Though he did not write Stoker, it is unsurprising that he chose to direct this film. It’s delves into the minds of messed up people, strange familial relations, and twisted violence and sexuality. Seems to be his thing.

Uncle Charlie (Matthew Goode) shows up shortly after India Stoker’s (Mia Wasikowska) father’s funeral. It doesn’t take long for things to get tense.

And with that simple interaction, the tone of the film is set. There is prevailing sense of unease that does not let up. Matthew Goode, who plays Uncle Charlie, does such a wonderful job at being rigid, emotionless, and off putting in this (as well as in Watchmen), that  I can’t help but wonder if he actually is a robot.

Adding to the unease of film, as it explores the grotesque side of people, is the camera. It is rarely stagnant, and there are numerous strange, almost vertigo inducing camera movements. The narrative itself unfortunately cannot keep pace with the atmosphere which causes this thriller to lose a lot of its impact. The tension and unease build and build as it should with a good thriller, but they have to build to something. Was the final act of the film satisfying? No, not really. But at least the journey was delicious.

“Sometimes you need to do something bad to stop you from doing something worse.”

10/10 The swirl kind

IMDB: 6.8 RT: 69%

[awholecroissant]

Infinitely Polar Bear (2016)

Warning! There are no, I repeat, no polar bears in this movie!

Though not a polar bear Cam (Mark Ruffalo) is a bipolar man. He is more manic and less depressive: instead of fluctuating between highs and lows, he alternates between high and even higher. There are only a couple low energy points for him. This make Cam’s almost constant ridiculously high energy levels make this film into almost a spectacle. You can’t help but ogle in amazement as if it were some circus freak show. That doesn’t mean that the subject matter isn’t dealt with in a respectful way. Everyone, at least somewhat, understands how a depressive state can wear down relationships, but I doubt that many people on an intuitive level would think that a high energy person, who, in the spur of the moment, decides to spend all night sewing a dress, is all that terrible.

Though the roaring man is very hairy, it does make him a bear. 

 Unfortunately, the dramatic beats aren’t as impactful as they could’ve been. As is Hollywood tradition, no main characters are really poor (unless it is a film explicitly about poverty). The family struggles with finance, but Cam’s family is wealthy, though stingy with money, so there is always the safety net seemingly available which deflates the fear of complete failure. Also, the main drama about Cam being in Boston and his wife, Maggie (Zoe Saldana), working in New York away from their kids, seemed strange. It is never really explained why Cam and the kids can’t follow her to New York. And then you have few snippets of social commentary about race and gender in society, instead of focusing on how the family deals with the very polar man.

The main drama of the movie doesn’t make sense. Look at Cam enjoying ice cream with his children. So how bad of a guy could he really be?

10/10 sugar cones

IMDB: 7.0 RT: 7.9

Written and directed by Maya Forbes

[awholecroissant]

I scream, you scream, we all scream for the Apocalypse

“The third movie is always the worst one.” This line was meant as a wink to the audience, referencing the universally disliked X3 which followed the highly praised X1 and X2. It’s ironic then that X-Men: Apocalypse, the third film in the new X-men series is the worst of the bunch. Is it ironic? I don’t want to misuse the word ironic, because that would be ironic….right? Anyways, while Apocalypse isn’t as bad as X3, it isn’t anything great either, sans a few memorable moments.

Apocalypse is an ancient all powerful blue colored (because there aren’t enough blue people) mutant who wants to destroy the world, because that’s what all-powerful beings do. But this movie isn’t about him. It is of course about Magneto and Professor X once again, like every other X-men movie. Magneto is mad and is about to murder some people. And Professor X tries to convince him that it is a bad idea. While McAvoy and Fassbender are great actors it would be nice to change up the formula a bit. Though I guess having that central dynamic is nice, considering all the clunky jumping around from character to character and place to place. The beginning of the film is just one character set-up to the next lacking any cohesion,

Speaking of characters, this X-men film, fails like all the rest, with picking mutants from the impossibly vast universe. Magneto, Prof X, Beast, Mystique are obligatory at this point. But then you have Cyclops - as boring of a character as in the previous trilogy. Angel - he is just some dude with wings - probably the most mundane power. At least awkward teenager Nighcrawler poofs about, and Quicksilver makes a return whizzing about and being funny. At least there was Nightcrawler poofing about and Quicksilver dashing to and fro, both providing plenty of laughs.

But where was Eye Scream?! Sure, Apocalypse is a powerful mutant, but can he turn himself into any flavor of ice cream? No. So what’s the point? And despite all her transformative abilities, neither can Mystique. There was no one to fear, or root for. The only explanation for this repeated blunder by Sony is that there are major negotiations with Marvel and all the other movie studios for exclusive rights to this most important mutant.

0 out of 10 blue flavored ice cream

IMDB: 7.6 RT: 53%

[awholecroissant]

10 Cloverfield Lane (2016)

Everyone has had thoughts of, "Wouldn't it be cool/hilarious/awesome if there was a movie where *insert premise here* happened?" Often the answer is "No.” Yes, the idea of it could be interesting, but a lot of ideas aren't engaging for a 100 or so minutes, they remain better as just ideas. That is not the case with 10 Cloverfield Lane. It takes an fascinating idea and creates an engaging and tense experience around it that is enjoyable beyond just the premise.

The less you know about the plot going into it the better. The basic plot is that some lady (Mary Elizabeth Winstead), after an accident, wakes up in a bunker owned by some creepy dude (John Goodman) who says that nuclear war has erupted. There is also a third guy. It is a perfect setting for a claustrophobic thriller. Mary is great at being a paranoid, yet capable wreck. Her last mainstream movie was The Thing where she played a similar character type. She is a strong female protagonist, which apparently is something that needs to be pointed out even nowadays. Her performance is great and believable. And then there is John Goodman. Or should I say John Creepyman. *pause for laughter and applause*

The film is filled with tension, some of it is forced a bit much. The camera cuts between the same few closeups as the music builds as if the director was trying to tell us ‘hey, remember this thing that created tension 10 seconds ago, well I am going to show it again in case you forgot.’ The situation is nerve-wracking enough. 

The final third of the movie is bonkers and its great. Some might be disappointed by it. It is somewhat justifiable, though I encourage those people to understand the concept behind it. "Wouldn't it be awesome if there was a movie where *insert spoiler here* happened?” Yes, yes it would.

I know what you are all thinking at this point, the big question on your minds. I’ve been beating around the bush for a while now. Let me assure you, that yes, despite his creepiness and bizarre behavior and personality, John Goodman’s character was decent enough to stock his doomsday shelter with ice cream. Maybe the situation isn't so bleak after all..

10/10 vanilla, in a cone or bowl.

IMDB: 7.7 RT: 89%

[awholecroissant]

Koyaanisqatsi (1982)

Koyaaniwhatchamacallit isn’t really a movie. It is a dance between music and image that creates a unique experience. There is no ‘plot’ though there is an implied narrative about the humanity and society. It beats you down relentlessly with its repetitive shots as well as minimalistic music by Philip Glass. I don’t mean that in a negative way at all. The film piece of art lulls you into a state of pure absorption. QuranOrGatsby could’ve actually been a half-hour shorter or half-hour longer, it would’ve been just as impactful. The music is hypnotizing and the image is mesmerizing, time no longer exists.

 Some juxtapositions have obvious meaning behind them (see above), but overall the film is vague. Only after it is over, when the final title card comes on screen do you get any confirmation as to what the filmmaker was implying. Up until that point there is a lot of personal interpretation to be had. And though a lot of it is very pessimistic – explosions, destruction – there is still a sense of hope. The angelic choirs at time breathe in positivity. It can be disheartening or awe-inspiring. I choose the latter, especially with the film presenting us with something to be optimistic about:

One of the more prominent and memorable scenes.

GoPawnACatsuit  is not for everyone. It probably isn’t for most people. The first third is especially slow and might even put off people who know what their getting into. But if you give it a fair chance, you’ll have some laughs and some tension. At worst you’ll enjoy great music for an hour and a half.

10/10 Strawberries

IMDB: 8.3 RT:  89%

[awholecroissant]

The truth behind Rick and Morty

Rick and Morty is a show held in very high-esteem. It is a brilliant meta-humor sci-fi show that doesn’t hold anything back. Science fiction likes to delve into the question: What is the meaning of life? Rick and Morty is no exception, you just have to look hard enough. While Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy’s answer to that question is 42, Rick and Morty has a much more logical answer: Ice Cream.

The first two episodes are the usual for a new show – the pilot introduces the characters (cynical, depressed grandpa Rick, his alcoholic daughter Beth, her retarded husband Jerry, and their two kids: typical teenage girl Summer, and the burlap sack full of turds Morty) and sets the tone for the show, and the second episode (Lawnmower Dog) is the standard Inception/Nightmare on Elm Street/Lawnmower Man parody. The third episode (Anatomy Park) is when the show really caught my attention. On the surface it is another mundane episode this time it is a Christmas episode crossed with a Jurassic Park spoof. Sure, it also includes implied sexual violence and a giant naked sky Santa exploding, but that isn’t what I want to highlight. Two-thirds through the episode, 12 14-year old Morty, Annie, as well as Dr. Xenon Bloom are enjoying what they assume will be the last moments of their life. The two youths are lustfully exploring each other’s bodies as they await oblivion. They are young and they believe that to be the best escape the despair when faces with mortality. Dr. Bloom, who Rick himself refers to as a genius and the only one who could create a theme park inside of a person, is older, wiser, and a well-educated amoeba. He understands true happiness and pleasure, so he spends his last moments with several cartons of ice cream. He greedily seeks mindless bliss such that he even ends up spilling a spoonful of ice cream in his eagerness.

I knew that this show was for me after that point, but after several episodes of no more ice cream sightings, I began to lose hope. Perhaps it was just a blind luck: even a broken clock is right twice a day, a thousand monkeys on a thousand typewriters, etc. It wasn’t until Something RIcked (S01E09) before ice cream was shown for the 2nd and final time of the eleven episode season. Rick and Summer get revenge against the Devil by beating the shit out of him. They continue their vigilante justice in the post credits scene – they go from neo-Nazi to schoolyard bully, to a member of the Westboro Baptist Church to animal abusers. Why does the playground bully deserve the same harsh treatment as the other vile people?

It isn’t actually about the child and his emotional scarring. The victim is, or that is to say, was enjoying an ice cream cone, pure-childlike glee on his face. The bully doesn’t just knock the cold dessert to the ground, rather shoves it in the victim’s face. He mocks the very notion of ice cream, perverting it like an ironic punishment one would find in Dante’s Divine Comedy. This bold symbolism is impressive. I awaited season two with much anticipation.

And the second season did not disappoint. The show focused a lot more about building and explaining Rick’s character - his nihilism, depression, apathy - and more importantly, ice cream. The season starts off with a bang with the first episode’s (A Rickle in Time) B-story being about ice cream. Rick needs to get rid of Jerry and Beth, so he gives them $500 to go get ice cream. It is an offer they (not any other sentient being) can’t refuse. Jerry claims that if there is a single thing out of place when he gets back, his love of ice cream won’t save Rick. I, for one, highly doubt that. Also, it is interesting to note that Morty’s father is named Jerry as in Ben & Jerry’s, the ice cream company (and Beth is suspiciously similar to Ben as well). Jerry ends up spending $480 at Coldstone Creamery, most of it as tip. Even the dumb, simpleminded Jerry realizes the gift that such establishments gives the world, so when he has the means to, he pays his respects. He gets too distracted by the godsend cuisine that he even hits a deer.

Remember kids, don’t eat ice cream and drive (or operate heavy machinery)!

The B-story is wrapped up when Coldstone Creamery shows up, sets up a makeshift operating table and their lights, which are usually reserved for basic ice cream work, which allows Beth to save the deer’s life. Even though Jerry is an imbecile, he has many of the show’s most profound and memorable quotes including: “Life is effort and I’ll stop when I’m dead!” and “Have you ever tried to relax? It’s a paradox”.  He adds to his catalog by ending his storyline with the poignant and succinct: “Thanks to Coldstone Creamery.”

There are several other instances of ice cream throughout the second season, but I am going to jump from the first episode to the season finale, The Wedding Squanchers. Just as the season started with ice cream, it ends with ice cream. Rick’s final exchange with Morty is telling him that he is going to get some ice cream from the Gloppydrop system (a lie akin to Redgren Grumbholdt in S02E01). He leaves Morty with this nugget of profound wisdom:

Morty doesn’t know what Rick is going to do, but he realizes Rick is leaving and not coming back. Rick implies that he is going to a better place, a place with ice cream. He is instead turning himself in, and, in his mind, doing his family a favor. He guarantees that Morty and the rest of the Smith family back to a better place, a place where ice cream actually is – Earth.

Earth might be the only place with ice cream, for now. This may seem rickdiculous, but there is enough evidence if you look for it. This revelation had me rethinking the entire series up until this point. Rick’s deep rooted cynicism and depression could all be explained by his knowledge of the state of the multiverse. He knows how devoid of ice cream all of reality is.

In The Ricks Must be Crazy (S02E06), Rick takes Summer and Morty to another universe. “There are pros and cons to every alternate timeline. Fun facts about this one: it’s got giant telepathic spiders, eleven 9/11s, and the best ice cream in the multiverse!” Some might say that is a heavy price to pay for ice cream. Those some are wrong. During the episode Rick has to fight for his and Morty’s life inside of his microverse battery. He is nearly killed by his own creation. Bruised, exhausted, but still alive he still takes his grandchildren to eat ice cream. His face lights up once he gets the cold cone in his hands. “This is what it’s all about. This is why we do what we do,” he exclaims gleefully. Yet when he bites into the ice cream it is filled with flies! The same rage that Rick felt as he fought with his would be murderer comes out of Rick as he berates Summer for somehow ruining ice cream. The flies were there because the humans and spiders of this Earth decided to cooperate, so the president decreed that all ice cream is for all beings, no matter how many legs.

Is that the fate of ice cream for all Earths? Are humans the only species to discover the culinary masterpiece that is ice cream? Other species have their own foods like Chabos, Flurbos, Skarlog poppies, blugies, and so on. Perhaps the ambitious Zigerian scammers couldn’t comprehend ice cream. Unable to render it in their simulation, they resorted to the next best thing: basketball playing pop-tarts. The brain parasites from Total Rickall (S02E04) on the other hand had a slightly better grasp of the concept. Though they didn’t utilize it, they at least understood the power of the imagery.

Even in Unity’s peaceful utopia, there is no ice cream to be found. In contrast on Earth, even as giant heads in the sky caused madness amongst the people, they cope with fear in a way that involves a festival and homemade ice cream. 

Season two ends with Rick in prison and the Smiths in a place where ice cream is. But for how long? Earth of dimension C-137 is now part of the galactic federation. All evidence points to any non-human interference with ice cream ruins and destroys it. There are only perhaps a few dozen realities where ice cream actually exists. Hopefully, there won’t be one less in season three.

The horrors of non-human Ice Cream

[awholecroissant]

The Revenant (2015)

Snow, snow, everywhere, but not a speck to eat.

The Oscar's are approaching and it would seem that it is finally Leo DiCaprio's time to shine. His performance in Iñárritu The Revenant is stunning (as is the camera work by Iñárritu himself). However, great acting and cinematography can only get you so far. The Revenant marks one of the biggest blunders of recent history.

It seems Iñárritu focused too much on creating engrossing and breathtaking long-takes and figuring out the logistics of filming on location in a wintery forest using only natural light. I give him all the credit it in the world for what he was able to achieve. But it is all empty work, when in the end you forget the key components to a great film - ice cream. Surely, all the cold snow everywhere would've reminded him, right? Apparently not. If they can CGI a bear to basically murder DiCaprio and not make it look like a bad SyFy movie, then surely they have the technology to CGI a hot fudge sundae.

Perhaps that was the point. Hugh Glass (DiCaprio)  is able to persevere against the elements and despite everything, survive the brutal wilderness - fighting off both man and mother nature alike. However, there is no ice cream waiting for him at the end. Which begs the question: was it really worth it? All the pain and suffering was for naught. I would like to believe that that was the intention. But looking back at Iñárritu’s filmography, there is no reason to give him the benefit of the doubt.

0/10 snow cones

IMDB: 8.2 RT: 83%

[awholecroissant]

The Choice (2015)

Look at the poster for a second. Just look at it. Something is not right,  Having a slightly-off movie poster is a bad sign for the quality of the movie. As is uninteresting, inconsistent, and unlikable characters. Or a complete lack of conflict for 2/3 of the movie. Or really anything remotely resembling entertainment.

It would be a safe bet to come to the conclusion that the newest Nicholas Sparks adaptation is a dumpster fire of a movie of a movie. But that is only if you look at the surface of the movie (or in depth). Which is unfortunately what most people seemed to do as it sits at completely justified 8% on Rotten Tomatoes. What you’re not looking at is the really important stuff.

There is an scene early on in the movie with ice cream. And it isn’t just mentioned and consumed. No, it’s much more than that. It serves as a punchline for several ‘jokes’ and might even serve (what would generously be called) the plot. Sometimes genius comes from the most unexpected places.

And that’s not all! In the second half there is yet another scene of people eating ice cream. I did not anticipate such ambition form director Ross Katz.

11/10 spoonfuls of mint ice cream

IMDB: 5.8 RT: 8%