At War With a World that Never Loved Me

Trying to figure out this strange thing called life, but it's more difficult than I originally planned.

[reforge]

you've heard of harrison ford, get ready for

BaldDad Toyota

[troyler-wbu]

[assume]

[awkwardstoryofalonelyguy]

I'd come to your funeral

thanks!

[awkwardstoryofalonelyguy]

tw major suicide, negative thoughts, whatever else i forgot because i’m a fucking piece of shit. seriously just don’t read it. it’s the worst stream of consciousness you’ve ever fucking seen in your fucking life. or fine open it and read whatever you want, but i don’t want to waste your time.

I think I’m most afraid of dying a failure. Not really of death itself, but dying because I failed at something easy. Something that everyone else can do but I can’t because I’ll just fuck it up. I seriously don’t know why I haven’t done it a long time ago. I’ve had so many opportunities. 

Sometimes I wonder about winter break. Like I’ll be in between schools again and nobody will care at either because 1) I’ll be too far away from here for anyone to come to any fucking funeral for that kid that never said anything productive in any discussion even though I’m supposed to be a ‘leader’ even though my mom is like “please do something else besides LGBT stuff” so there’s that. Honestly, I’ve been going back to the line “remember the time I spilt the glass of apple juice on the wall, please tell mom this is not her fault” because honestly I don’t really care about much, but I can’t do that to her. And 2) I won’t know anyone in my new neighborhood/campus. So I’ll keep swimming through my own shit at least until then. It’s sorta interesting being alone tho. My most common phrase is probably “thank you” to the people who make my sandwiches and at the store on campus. Otherwise “sorry” whenever I do just about anything cause I just fuck up everything and I can’t.

I honestly think depression is chronic because the only cure is suicide or accidental death. Depression isn’t a temporary problem. Everyone is lying about that - I can’t remember a time I haven’t felt at least mildly depressed. Stop saying that suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary situation. It’s not going away. I’m going to be a depressed, anxious loner for the rest of my life. No one is going to want to deal with me, fuck, I don’t even want to deal with me. honestly sometimes I just want to give a big fuck you to everyone. anyone who hasn’t held the door, who hasn’t thanked someone who worked at a service job, who stayed open late to help you, who let you have the better end of a deal just because, who has talked in the quiet part of the library, who has told me about some exciting event and then didn’t invite me, to anyone who’s ever purposely taken advantage of me (and i allowed it because i’m not worth anything).But then again, I have to give a big fuck you to me too. Because I’ve never been good at anything. I guess I’ve pretended to care about a lot of big things, but I’ve never done anything about them. I’ve never been able to make a difference in anything. I just do what everyone else wants me to do and I’ll just go along with it. It doesn’t matter. I don’t matter. I’m not going to make any changes that are going to help anyone. I’ll be forgotten within a year after I die, I promise.

[awkwardstoryofalonelyguy]

Two blackbirds on a highway sign are laughing at me at four in the morning. They played the war drum out of time so I’m not sure where I’ve been marching. I wanna be strong. I wanna be strong, but it’s not easy anymore.

“Devil In My Bloodstream” - The Wonder Years

[awkwardstoryofalonelyguy]

Grit your teeth, pull your hair, paint the walls black and scream, "Fuck the world 'Cause it's my life, I'm gonna take it back," and never for a second blame yourself.

“Missing You” - All Time Low

[disuses]

[melisica]

Amanda Gill

[awkwardstoryofalonelyguy]

I'm feeling kind of lonely lately and I'm wondering if you have any song recommendations that I can add to a playlist. Thanks!

Hey anon, I’m a big fan of pop punk and a lot of their songs tend to be about loneliness. Check out Real Friends, specifically “Sixteen” or Neck Deep’s “A Part of Me.” If you want something a bit uplifting about how the world is fucked up, but you’ll manage to get through (and I believe that you will :) ) check out Neck Deep’s album, “Life’s Not Out To Get You,” but specifically Gold Steps. And of course...The Wonder Years. Regarding loneliness, check out “And Now I’m Nothing” and honestly my all time favorite: “I Just Want to Sell Out My Funeral.” If you like TWY, I’d love talk about them off anon, if you want.

I have a lot of suggestions if you’re looking for more pop punk. Generally I’m into more acoustic/slower pop-punk (Neck Deep, Real Friends etc.) but I also like The Story So Far, and the Wonder Years is my absolute favorite. So yeah, hopefully this helps.

[awkwardstoryofalonelyguy]

Are you a UVM student or recent alum? If so, please send me an ask. I’m debating attending and I’d really appreciate some info!

Bonus points if you are/were involved in psychology, anthropology, asian studies, philosophy, LGBTQ+ club(s), the ski/snowboard club, and/or the outdoors club.

Even if you are/were not involved in any of the above, please send me a message!

[therelatableimages]

[ohsoswiftly]

[strawberryfck-deactivated201711]

“I ATE MY DOG. TASTE WAS GOOD”

[shitshilarious]

I HATE MY GOTHIC HAMSTER

[frankarnstein]

I NEED IN MY COFFEE SOME SUGAR

[nottonight-imonfire]

I CAN MAKE ALL THESE HAND MOTIONS

[hurtless-deactivated20201102]

I DEMAND ALL THE DAMN SHOE

[justdoitdaily-fitblr]

Sunday nights can be pretty rough. Try not to let yourself get too sad or anxious about the week ahead. You can get through anything that’s going to happen this week. You will do marvelous things and it’ll be WONDERFUL.

[awkwardstoryofalonelyguy]

/hopes I get my decision this week so I can start awkwardly saying bye to people even tho most people (everyone) won't care/

[champagnemanagement]

[onesokrock]

gold steps › neck deep