Awkward, Table For Two...

Welcome to my brain.

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I'm really going to miss this view.

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My sister ruined me forever.

My sister and I are opposites in almost every way possible. I'm sarcastic; she's sweet. I'm tall and lanky; she's small and petite. I'm a pale brunette; she's a rosy little strawberry blonde. I'm loud and outspoken; she's quiet and charming. I'm a brat; she's an angel. I'm an amazon queen; she's a fairy princess. We are about as polar opposite as you can get. People don't believe that we're related. They haven't since we were little.

Let me tell you about my sister.

When we were younger, my sister was super gullible and I was a total troll, which proved to create an interesting sibling dynamic between the two of us. Whenever my sister slept in my bed with me, I would get a kick out of waking her up in the most abrasive manner I could think of. I would shake her and say something along the lines of:

OR:

OR:

She would always wake up in a panic and I would lie there and pretend to be sleeping while she tried to figure out whether she had dreamt that or she really needed to be concerned that God knew she hadn't brushed her teeth that morning.

I was a choch and a half, let me tell you.

And my sister is the cutest human being on earth.

But don't let her angelic countenance fool you, she was just as much a troll as I was, maybe even a little deadlier because she could sneak around the house without making so much as a sound. There was a significant difference between the way we tortured each other. I would play pranks on her, but she would play head games with me, stalk me, hunt me, then take me down like a lion taking down a zebra. I never felt safe.

Whenever I thought I was in a room alone, she would be hiding under a table waiting to trip me and drag me into her lair.

She knew exactly when to let me think the coast was clear, then she would pounce. I would be innocently walking up the stairs, then I would hear a creak behind me.

  I would turn around and there she would be at the bottom of the stairs, looking wickedly up at me. I'd try to slowly inch my way to the next step, but her instincts were like a wild animal's; she would immediately sprint up the stairs, and I would try my best to scramble away from her while holding in the contents of my bladder.

To this day, no one in my family, except for Maggie, knows why it terrifies me so much to walk up the stairs with someone behind me. That kid has scared me into a state of eternal paranoia. All of my strange fears are a result of the way she messed with my head when we were younger. I will never recover.

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Look, I made a GIF, yo. ... ......... 

Yeah. I know. I'm going to bed now. Just leave me alone forever. 

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I Happened Upon A Paralyzing Realization Today

I was browsing through my facebook news feed just now when I saw a post that said, "'LIKE' if you know who they are" accompanied by a photo of the Olsen twins in their Full House days.

Initially, I was confused. I thought to myself, "This is dumb. Everyone knows who the Olsen twins are."   Then I saw the comments... "I don't know who the heck they are." "What movie are they in?"  "Aren't they in Harry Potter?" "It's obviously Nicole Richie when she was a kid, photoshopped with herself. Didn't she play the twins from The Parent Trap?" Etc.

Don't get me wrong, there were plenty of people who were able to identify them, but over 3/4 of the comments I read were written by people who had no clue. That's when I realized that we have entered a period in time where people don't immediately know who the Olsen twins are by sight, where it's common for children to have cell phones, where people don't really purchase physical CDs (or tapes) anymore unless they were born prior to 1993, where kids will never have the pleasure of experiencing The Power Rangers or Street Sharks, where no one under the age of 20 knows the meaning of "I really really really wanna ziggah-zig-ah", where Will Smith doesn't rap and is merely known for his roll in I Am Legend, and the shelves of every preteen isn't stuffed full of TY beanie babies.

It was at this point that I realized:

I'm one of THOSE people who will reference Boy Meets World and then have to say "Never mind, you're too young for that," in response to the blank stares of the young adults who have no idea what I'm talking about. 

As this realization scrambled madly into my unsuspecting brain like an animaniac, I sat motionless on my bed for a few moments, trying to digest the news that I'm not a kid anymore, despite the fact that I still feel like one (or felt like one, up until about 20 minutes ago.)  What am I going to do? I still make fart jokes and laugh at the word "poop"... 

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I had the day off, which I ended up spending alone at the last minute. I was feeling grumpy and more than a little ticked off at my state of aloneness, so I decided to make a self portrait. Photography is therapeutic. When I'm in a mood, fiddling with my camera and creating something new always makes me feel a little better.

This weekend, I was supposed to be having a hang out with a good friend from a far away land. Unfortunately for the both of us, all of the airlines simultaneously decided they hated us and he was unable to make the journey to Canada. It wasn't his fault in the slightest. I just have my suspicions as to whether or not he actually exists. What if I made up this man from across the continent and the reason I never get to see him is not because of anything other than that he can't possibly show up if he isn't real.

Anyway. Now I'm sitting here by myself, taking lonely, dramatic photos of myself. Enjoy.

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Sweet mother of mashups, your ears are going to thank me for this.

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I am not inconvenient.

Today was one of those days that I really like, where I get closure and learn something new about myself in the process. Someone, who was long ago very important to me, walked out of my life today and I realized, as I hugged him and said "Goodbye", that I couldn't care less. I don't want to surround myself with people who don't care about me and who will step on me when I'm no longer useful to them. I will not waste my time on people who think a relationship with me is inconvenient. If I'm not exactly what you are looking for, then step aside, because you aren't what I'm looking for either.

I don't deserve anything in life, but that doesn't stop God from wanting to give me amazing things, my job is to anticipate the good things and not to settle for anything less than what He thinks I deserve. I've set the bar higher for myself. Today, I realized I need to expect greater things from and for myself. Why would I wait around for something that kind of meets my minimum requirements, when I'm within reaching distance of something wonderful that exceeds my wildest dreams? Why wouldn't I want to improve myself in order to obtain something that will end up being one of the greatest treasures in my life?

I'm so ready to stop panicking because I'm alone. All I have to do is go after what I want. So I'm making this promise to myself right now: I solemnly swear that I will not settle for anything less than amazing, because I am amazing.

And there you have it.

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My sister is home from Vietnam! I missed her face like a lot. SO here's a picture of it. You're welcome. 

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Today I underwent the dreaded wisdom teeth surgery. I'm substantially less wise now, because of it. (I'M SO FUNNY)

I have a tennis ball sized lump on the side of my face and it's impossible to eat or drink properly. I've been reduced to awkwardly dropping jell-o, pudding, and instant mashed potatoes straight into my mouth from a high angle. It was embarrassing having to shop for all these soft and not particularly healthy foods. I could tell the other people in line were judging me.

On another note, my pharmacist and I are like super tight buddies now. The day before my surgery he chatted with me about what to expect for like half an hour. It was very informative. Then today, he laughed out loud at the site of my tennis ball cheek and drool face when I went to pick up my antibiotics.

I just want to say really quickly, Jenessa is the BOMB. She stayed the night last night and didn't let me eat or drink anything past midnight, even though I was so tempted to drink water. Then she got up nice and early so that we could be at the surgeon's for 8:45 a.m. And to top it all off, she stayed with me most of the day partially to ensure that I didn't accidentally swallow my own tongue and die, and partially to film my drugged up rambles, which aided in the making of this short video.

Here is a short list of some of the other things I said that didn't make it on the video:

"I can't yawn. My body forgot how to. I'm never going to be able to yawn ever again!"

"Mom?" *immediately after being woken up by the nurse in the recovery room*

"You can just rip the tape off, my arm hair is like whatevs." *prior to the removal of my IV*

"Roommate is just jealous that she's not here to witness this face" *circles own face with finger*

"Are you sure this isn't a smoothie?" *referencing what was clearly a freezie in my hand*

"I don't remember how bad the shirt was, but I think there was purple involved, which is weird because I really like purple." *discussing the man from my dream*

"I can't smile even MORE now..."

"He was tall. And he had arms. And he had hair. But it wasn't this colour." *gesturing at own head while I explain to Jenessa what the cute nurse looked like*

WELL THERE YOU GO. You get an inside look at my horrible wisdom teeth experience. I hope you enjoyed it. I looked like a swollen lump! Geeeeze

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So this happened to me a while ago. Here's a drawing.

  I was so caught off guard that I didn't even know what to do. I've never had a cute little old man ever try to sell me weed before. Did MY grandpa ever try to sell weed to an unsuspecting furniture saleswoman? 

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"Violins" Boys Before Flowers

Do not, I repeat, DO NOT listen to this song when you are alone and feeling sorry for yourself. It will make you cry and feel like you will be alone forever.

I listen to it when I'm lonely, because I secretly like being miserable. It makes my life seem so much more dramatic than it actually is.

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Playing with light and self portraits. This is what I came up with. (I know you're super jealous of my sweet overalls.) 

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Grumpy Pants

I'm angry. No one was nice to me today. It's sounds stupid, but I need at least one person to be nice to me in order to not hate everyone. 

I left my apartment feeling happy and fresh, only to have my heart crushed by the first person I talked to.

Sure enough, the first and only person I talked to all day, yelled at me for not paying attention in the grocery store. That's the first time that's ever happened to me. People don't yell at me! I'm intimidating as hell! And of course, this person ruined my entire day and has made me mad at everyone. Nice going, jerk.

On an unrelated note: I drew this one out for you. Lucky ducks. I'm trying my hand at it. I'm very aware that these drawings are crude and the man in the 3rd panel is swearing at me in Christmas colours, but this is the best way for me to be expressive through drawing. If I'm not worried about accuracy or anything like that, my drawings have so much more life.

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I'm here to announce another thing I probably won't stick with!

I'm considering starting a webcomic about me. Yup. All about me. That's going to be really exciting... I'm sure the drawings will progressively get more and more crude as the comic develops. But I would like to think this is a decent initial representation of myself in stickman form (because, let's face it, I can't draw anything else.)

I call this a web comic, but I feel like it will actually be more of an occasional blog post with illustrations.

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May 21st, 2012

9:00 a.m.: Alarm goes off. Hate life. Ignore alarm.

10:00 a.m.: Jerk awake, realizing I didn't set another alarm.

10:01 a.m.: Maybe if I punch myself in the face, I won't have to go to work.

10:04 a.m.: Nope. Too much of a wiener. Get out of bed.

10:10 a.m.: Remember that I forgot to lock the door last night.

10:11 a.m.: Immediately check behind shower curtains, around corners, in roommate's evacuated room, under beds, etc, in case a serial killer snuck in in the middle of the night and is lurking around waiting to fill me full of holes with his battery powered drill.

10:15 a.m.: Satisfied that I'm not likely to be murdered while I do my makeup, I return to my bathroom to finish my morning rituals.

10:45 a.m.: Leave cookies and milk out in case there IS a serial killer and he gets peckish while I'm gone (I'm always looking out for others.)

10:46 a.m.: Clamber into elevator. Needlessly scan key FOB and press the 15th floor button, despite the fact that that is the floor I'm currently on.

10:46 a.m.: Chuckle.

10:46 a.m.: Still chuckling when another patron boards the elevator. Try to stop. Can't.

10:47 a.m.: Exit the elevator, ready to begin my trip to work.

10:59 a.m.: Begin work day.

5:00 p.m.: WORK OVER. Go home with full intentions of being productive and getting life in order.

5:12 p.m.: Walk through front door. Immediately eat snacks.

5:15 p.m.: Stare at laundry. Do nothing.

5:18 p.m.: Stare at dishes. Do nothing.

5:23 p.m.: Stare at disarray of living room. Do nothing.

5:30 p.m.: Take a bath.

7:04 p.m.: Contemplate the meaning of life while sitting on the floor, staring at pile of shoes which has accumulated in the hallway.

7:16 p.m.: Laugh at cats on the internet. Silly cats.

9:30 p.m.: Consider going to bed early for once in my life.

2:49 a.m.: LOL NAWT!

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I'm having a panic attack for no reason

Something is nagging at me, and I don't know what it is. It's causing me to have a phantom panic attack, but I have no idea how to fix it because my method for fixing panic attacks is to stop and think about what I can do to change the situation I'm in. How do I change an imaginary problem that has yet to show its face? All I know is that I'm sitting here, freaking out, and the feeling isn't going away. What did I forget? Am I running out of time for something? Did I lose something important? Do I owe someone money?

This is worse than regular panic, by a long shot.